Etiquette of Different Faiths

Depiction of a traditional Jewish marriage ceremony, by R. Taylor. —“People of all cultures are coming into contact more frequently, and that includes at one another’s religious ceremonies,” says book publisher, Stuart Matlin. “We all have relatives of different faiths. It is increasingly common for people we know, and people we work with, to invite us to their life cycle events. We all want to do what is expected of us.”

What Miss Manners Didn’t Tell You

The things Miss Manners forgot to tell us about religion are enough to fill a book.

But despair not. Much of what’s missing can be found in “How to Be a Perfect Stranger” (Jewish Lights), a new guide to religious etiquette that helps guests avoid the ecclesiastical equivalent of eating a blintz with a berry spoon.

Picture it: You go to the graveside service of a Quaker funeral and discover you’re not invited. It’s for family only.

You fail to attend the internment ceremony of a Mormon funeral. Later you learn that the family expected you.

“People of all cultures are coming into contact more frequently, and that includes at one another’s religious ceremonies,” says the book’s publisher, Stuart Matlin. “We all have relatives of different faiths. It is increasingly common for people we know, and people we work with, to invite us to their life cycle events. We all want to do what is expected of us.”

The book focuses on special-occasion rituals rather than weekly services. Along with a brief description of the rituals and the beliefs behind them, the guide explains appropriate behavior for guests, including proper attire, gift giving, the correct time to arrive and leave, and whether to sit, stand or kneel.

For the most meticulous, the guide provides a list of suggested reading. For others, there is information about which denominations do and do not allow picture taking during services. (Greek Orthodox churches say it’s OK; most others say it’s not.) Every category is included under each of the 20 faith traditions in the book, which makes interfaith comparisons easy.

As expected, America’s largest denominations are included (Catholic, Baptist, Muslim). So are the mainline churches (Episcopalian, Presbyterian). But what qualifies as good behavior for smaller religious traditions is also described.

“We didn’t find that most people in this country have a lot of contact with Quakers and Hindus,” Matlin says. “But there was so much interest, we decided to include them.” Correct form at a Hindu cremation ceremony includes proper attire. Black clothing is not right; most Hindus wear white.

Quakers have special requirements for guests at their traditional Quaker meetings, where members give spoken testimony of their religious experiences. No one is allowed to leave the meeting house during a meeting--especially when someone is speaking.

Some of the most useful advice relates the correct way to greet clergy at a religious service. For example, a Muslim leader is addressed by the title, imam. Ministers and preachers in the Church of Christ do not use any titles; they simply use their proper names.

Some questions the book answers were not easy to get.

“There were some things no one we interviewed wanted to talk about,” says Matlin, who explains that all facts and figures were gathered through questionnaires filled out by a religious leader from each tradition.

“People felt awkward talking about the appropriate amount of money to put in the collection plate,” Matlin says. Still, they did talk. The usual amount is $1 to $5.

There is also the delicate matter of which parts of a service are not open to guests. At some Christian services, church members share bread and wine, or juice, as a communion meal. One tradition considers the meal sacred while another sees it as a symbol of sharing. This affects whether communion is offered to everyone, or only to Christians, or only to members of one particular denomination. Lutherans invite only Lutherans to take part in their communion. Presbyterians invite all. The United Church of Christ varies from parish to parish.

The most sensitive topic in the book has to do with grieving, Matlin says. “There are enormous subtleties in the ways different religious traditions pay respects. In Orthodox Judaism, for example, sending flowers would be a terrible mistake. The custom is to personally come and express condolences.”

A resident of rural Woodstock, Vt., Matlin was a management consultant before he founded Jewish Lights publishing five years ago. His frequent invitations to Catholic and Protestant ceremonies, his wish to say the right thing to his Christian in-laws on their holy holidays, and his travel experiences encouraged him to publish “Perfect Strangers,” which was edited by Arthur J. Magida.

“In the past, this country was less open to outsiders,” Matlin says. “My parents had no friends who were not Jews. There was seldom a non-Jew in our home, and certainly not at our table.” If there had been, they might have consulted the book’s section on proper greetings. At Friday night supper, the Shabbat, visitors to the house greet their hosts with, “Shabbat shalom.” It means “peaceful Sabbath,” in Hebrew.

For his next interfaith project, Matlin plans a sequel. This one will highlight faith traditions with a small membership but a high fascination factor.

The idea came to him when he was visiting relatives in New Mexico. “In Santa Fe, Native Americans are having a problem because visitors don’t know how to behave at their religious ceremonies,” he says. They bring video cameras, walk around when they’re not supposed to, and make a lot of noise, he explains. “Tribal leaders are talking about closing their ceremonies to visitors from now on.”

Maybe not, if perfect stranger II gets there first. — Los Angeles Times, 1996

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