Gilded Age Dinner Party Invitations

Etiquette for Dinner Party invitations from Mrs. Mary Ronald’s 1895 “Century Cookbook”

Invitations are sometimes sent out a month or three weeks in advance, but ordinarily two weeks is sufficient time to secure the guests one wishes to entertain. Courtesy requires a dinner invitation to be answered at once, certainly within twelve hours, but better in less time. This enables the hostess to fill the vacancy in case the invitation is declined. Unconventional people are sometimes unmindful of this obligation, but as a rule those who are accustomed to entertaining recognize the importance of a prompt reply, and answer a dinner invitation immediately.

It is well, when convenient, to send the invitation as well as the reply by hand, so that there may be no uncertainty of prompt delivery; to send either of them by post is, however, permissible.

The answer should be definite, and where a man and his wife are invited, if one of them is unable to accept, the invitation should be declined for both. An invitation should be precise in expression, therefore the prescribed form given below should be exactly followed. It does not belong to the order of social notes; it is simply a formal invitation, and an acceptance should be of the same character. 

Any deviation from the prescribed form is uncalled for and likely to cause criticism. In declining the invitation, however, it is considered more gracious to answer the formal note informally, and, by stating the reason, show that the regret is not merely a perfunctory expression.

Verbal invitations or replies should never be given for formal entertainments. R. S. V. P. should not be put on a dinner invitation. Every well-bred person knows an answer is necessary, and it is a reflection upon good manners to assume that no reply would be given if the request for it were omitted.

It is important also that the reply should repeat, in the same words as the invitation, the date and hour of the dinner, so, if any mistake has inadvertently been made, it may be corrected, thus establishing an exact understanding.

A dinner engagement is the most exacting of any social obligation, and no greater discourtesy can be shown than to break it except for serious cause. – Mrs. Mary Ronald's Century Cook Book, 1895

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Proper Etiquette Requires Response

What was on the fashionable Gilded Age or Victorian Era dinner sideboard? See the image above— No R.S.V.P. is used on the dinner card, for every one knows that a dinner is a solemn occasion, calling for the utmost punctiliousness in etiquette. The invitation sent out two weeks before the dinner, demands an immediate answer, on account of allowing the hostess to invite another guest in case you decline, and the engagement once made, the same rule holds good that maintains in following your partner's lead in trumps; only sudden death releases you. 
— photo source, Pinterest 

English Dinner Ideas 

The Latest Conventionalities Dictated by Fashion

If you would entertain according to the latest London idea, says the New York Commercial Advertiser, you will send out for a dinner an engraved card, bearing the formula: Mr. and Mrs.______ request the pleasure of company at dinner on at _____ o’clock, with the address in the lower left hand corner. No R.S.V.P. is used on the dinner card, for every one knows that a dinner is a solemn occasion, calling for the utmost punctiliousness in etiquette. 

The invitation sent out two weeks before the dinner, demands an immediate answer, on account of allowing the hostess to invite another guest in case you decline, and the engagement once made, the same rule holds good that maintains in following your partner's lead in trumps; only sudden death releases you. It will be noticed that the invitation reads Mr. and Mrs. request the pleasure, etc... In balls, concerts, everything but a dinner, the invitation goes out in the name of the hostess only. The form may be engraved on a card, a folded sheet, or for small dinners be written on the sheet by the hostess or her secretary. 

Unpunctuality is without excuse at a dinner, and in some London houses the guests go into the dining-room promptly at the hour, whether the party is complete or not, and, as a rule, at such houses there are no delinquents. In London, too, thanks to the universal use of cabs, a woman, even if she keep no carriage of her own; is not supposed to require any preparation for entering the reception-room, and a maid relieves her of her wrap in the hall without showing her to any room. 

Of course, the lady enters the room first, as the old custom of coming in arm in arm has quite gone out. In the first arrivale are strangers, they are introduced, and the hostess also introduces the gentleman to the lady he is to take into diuner, if they are strangers. Young ladies are not invited with their parents to formal dinners, and it is usually arranged to have an equal number of ladies and gentlemen among the guests, though often a man may be included who has no one to take in. 

Following the usual custom, the host, when dinner is announced, leads the way with the lady guest of honor, the hostess coming down last of all with the gentleman of most importance. If the dinner is large, the hostess may introduce the gentlemen to the ladies they are to take in a short time before the announcement. If the company is small, she says simply, “Mr. H., will you please take in Miss R. ?” and the name at the places seat the guests. Dinner à la Russe is served in London at fashionable houses with everything carved off the table by servants. Even the soup tureen is placed on the sideboard. In the matter of wines, sherry is served after soup, hock with the oysters, champagne is handed round with the first entrée, and may be continued through dinner, and placed with other wines before the host when dessert time arrives. 

Occasionally, a bowl of rose water is handed round, into which guests dip their fingers, wiping them on their own serviettes. When the dessert has been handed round,  the servants leave the room, and when it is finished the hostess must catch the eye of the lady sitting by the host, and making a slight inclination, rise and stand near the door, which one of the gentlemen holds open, until all her guests have passed through. Coffee is then served in the drawing-room to the gentlemen. No other refreshments are served, except the fashionable liqueurs, which are brought round directly after the coffee, though few ladies take them. English hospitality provides a tray of wine in the hall-room where the wraps are left, to be offered as a stirrup-cup when the guests depart at 10:30 or 11 o’clock. —Mercury News, 1893

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

R.S.V.P.s and Good Manners

“To use them (R.S.V.P.) is, of course, the equivalent for suggesting to one whom you invite to be your guest, that some doubt exists as to whether he knows enough of good society to answer an invitation.”
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In other words, putting R.S.V.P. on an invitation, is tantamount to saying, “As you have no manners and normally won’t respond, please do respond this time. Okay?” Because receiving most invitations should be seen as an honor. A simple, “Thank you! I would love to attend.” or an, “I’m sorry, but I will have to miss your event. I hope it is a great success.” are both easy to say and don’t leave hosts or hostesses in the lurch, waiting for replies. To not reply when invited exhibits poor manners. Many snubbed hosts will drop those who don’t reply from future guest lists.

“R.S.V.P.,” “Rsvp” or “RSVP?” 

They are all correct ways of asking for a reply 

The initials R.S.V.P. are still seen upon many invitations, but by no means as often as was once the case. To use them is, of course, the equivalent for suggesting to one whom you invite to be your guest, that some doubt exists as to whether he knows enough of good society to answer an invitation. That they are falling into something of disfavor augurs well for our growing good manners and familiarity with the customs of polite society.— San Francisco Call, 1886

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia