Defining Edwardian Etiquette

Ask yourself the question. “What is it that binds society together?” and we get the answer, “the unwritten laws of etiquette.” What would we be without them? Where would be the check on rudeness and bad manners, and those people of whom unfortunately there are plenty, who are only polite because they are obliged to be so? Obliged? And by what? By these social laws, that we call, for want of a better name, “etiquette.” Without such an unwritten law they would behave as rudely and as disagreeably as their elemental impulses dictated.

— photo source, Pinterest

From the Social Mirror

The Standard dictionary defines etiquette as “the formalities or usage required by the customs of polite society or professional intercourse; the conventional ceremonial of polite society” and we have accepted such a definition without question until we read the following words of a well known writer, recently written upon the “Sins of Etiquette.”

“Etiquette is the foolish and insincere science of ceremony. From a mere conventional form, it has degenerated into tyranny.” Later when alluding to social life, she says: “Etiquette has the appetite and talons of an eagle, and civilized mankind is its prey.” 

Such radical assertions cause us to stop and think just what etiquette is, what it really means to us as an individual and as members of cosmos society. We cannot help but wonder just what society would be like in all its ranks, and just what sort of manners would be prevalent amongst its various members, if the restraining influence of etiquette were removed and everyone could do exactly as he or she saw fit; If, in fact, every person was a law unto himself or herself in all daily matters that have to do with social life. 

Ask yourself the question. “What is it that binds society together?” and we get the answer, “the unwritten laws of etiquette.” What would we be without them? Where would be the check on rudeness and bad manners, and those people of whom unfortunately there are plenty, who are only polite because they are obliged to be so? Obliged? And by what? By these social laws, that we call, for want of a better name, “etiquette.” Without such an unwritten law they would behave as rudely and as disagreeably as their elemental impulses dictated. 

These social laws or “etiquette” as we term them, have not been made at any given period nor laid down by any one person, class or people, but have grown into their present form, bit by bit as the necessity arose for their use and as time and custom required. We look them over closely and find that scarcely one of them as practiced today can really be called useless, foolish or unnecessary. Like so many other things, the laws of etiquette should be used and not abused; but, of course, this is what many people seem to forget. 

There are some who are absurdly formal, even among old friends, but theirs is the fault, not the social laws which they have followed too strictly. Laws of etiquette have not been made so hard or fast that they cannot be relaxed when among our friends, with whom too much ceremony is foolish. Etiquette is made up of social obligations that none of us can deliberately neglect without risk of being considered discourteous, and I doubt if there are many of us who agree with the quoted writer’s definition of meaning of the term “etiquette.” — The Humboldt Times, 1909

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia©️ Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Pinning Sweethearts

Some of the “unwritten laws of etiquette,” like those for the “pinning” or “lavaliering” of college sweethearts, are passed on generationally in fraternities and sororities. –“Ever since society allowed young people to see one another in a romantic setting, dating formalities have existed from gentlemen callers to today’s less formal art of ‘hooking up.’ Somewhere in between lie two levels of commitment familiar only to Greeks – lavaliering and pinning. Lavaliering is a Greek tradition born out of various dating rituals going back to a pre-Penn State era. An actual lavaliere is a necklace with the fraternity's letters on it. The level of commitment varies from fraternity to fraternity and school to school. Some fraternities don't recognize lavaliering, and others don't allow members to pin the women they date. But if a fraternity allows members to lavaliere their partners, it adds a more concrete commitment to the relationship than what existed in the past...” – Pictured above, a Sigma Phi Epsilon fraternity pin- Quote from The Daily Collegian, 1992

“Pinning” is Social Security for College Students

Sometimes a mother is upset by the news that her daughter has accepted the fraternity pin of a college beau. But there are several reasons why this campus custom can mean much to the future happiness of the boy and girl involved. Pinning is a kind of social security in the years before marriage. Less binding and more private than an engagement, it is an attempt to find someone to depend on. 

For hundreds of years a woman could only be single, engaged, married, widowed, or divorced; pinning has created a new social status. You won't find the rules of pinning in the etiquette books, many parents have never heard of it; society doesn't recognize it; but those most concerned honor and understand it. – San Bernardino Sun, 1953

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Women’s Etiquette and Smoking

In foreign countries where women have always smoked openly, one may do as one pleases about using tobacco. Smoking is fashionable, therefore inconspicuous. In America, it has always been associated with women whose existence refined families refuse to recognize, so the woman who permits the public to see her while indulging in the doubtful habit, is not spared censure and loss of respect, even with wealth and name at her back. The world is getting used to black sheep from respectable folds.

We have accepted many innovations, but I doubt if the men of our families ever permit us to indulge the habit of smoking in public. There is a host of women who take a cigarette with husband or brother, but they are generally too discreet, too careful of appearances to lay themselves open to criticism on a matter that savors of the halfworld. Appearance we must observe, my friends. We must conform to the customs of the place in which we live, if they represent decency. In foreign countries where women have always smoked openly, one may do as one pleases about using tobacco. Smoking is fashionable, therefore inconspicuous. In America, it has always been associated with women whose existence refined families refuse to recognize, so the woman who permits the public to see her while indulging in the doubtful habit, is not spared censure and loss of respect, even with wealth and name at her back. The world is getting used to black sheep from respectable folds.

The daughter of a family in a small and rather straight-laced city went to a large city to earn her living. Her brother had preceded her, and both broadened rapidly in the unfamiliar atmosphere. They were so accustomed to dining at hotels that the difference between the unwritten laws of etiquette in home and large cities escaped their memory. The brother had been away from home so long as to he almost forgotten, and when he and his sister paid a visit to their home he was not recognized on the evening he escorted his sister to the dining-room of the principal hotel in the place. But she was, and it required just twentyfour hours for the news to reach the ears of the mother, who was quite as shocked as anybody in the city. 

She had been called away to a sick relation and expected the pair to eat dinner at home. They saw the chance for a bit of pleasure elsewhere, and took it without a thought of the manner in which the act would be looked upon. Only strangers could dine at that, or any hotel there unnoticed, and the fact that the man was taken for a stranger made it look worse for his sister. Both made light of the matter, as might be expected, but they never repeated the experiment through fear of public opinion which, after all has weight. I presume there are women who enjoy being conspicuous— I judge so from things they do —but the great majority prefer to keep on the side of good taste —and good sense. Smoking taints the breath and discolors the teeth —some physicians declare that it injures health —but if women want to take all these risks, and the men nearest them do not object, there is really nothing to he done save to appeal to them to spare the feelings of the public. –Betty Bradeen, 1909

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia