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| One “ancient courtesy rule is the practice of breaking bread, rather than biting into a whole slice”, as it “was customary to collect table leavings for the poor.” |
Centuries-Old Customs Continue To Mold Manners
Once upon a time knights in armor opened their visors when meeting someone, to determine if they were confronted by friend or enemy. From this stems today's custom of tipping the hat. In medieval days a man walking or riding on the right had the advantage of being able to unsheathe his sword quickly with his right hand. The position of deference is still to the right of the host or hostess.
“Although their practical purpose has vanished, many such etiquette traditions continue today,” says Esther B. Aresty, whose new book, “The Best Behavior,” traces the course of good manners from antiquity to the present. Some customs that have outlived their usefulness, however, have been abandoned, such as the prohibition against cutting salad with a knife. This originated, Mrs. Aresty explains, before the advent of silver or stainless steel blades, when acid in the salad dressing would discolor knives then in use.
But other regulations laid down centuries ago remain valid to this day, notes the author, who researched hundreds of rare old courtesy and etiquette books. The earliest was “Instructions.” written about 4,000 years ago by the Egyptian Ptahhotep.
“Deference to elders was preached in this ancient papyrus scroll and is one of the oldest rules of civilized mankind,” she points out. “Another ancient courtesy rule is the practice of breaking bread, rather than biting into a whole slice, apparently because it was customary to collect table leavings for the poor. This was even called for in the Talmud.”
Earlier books were general, stressing courtesy and human relationships rather than specific rules, Mrs, Aresty says. At the beginning of the 19th century, etiquette books, while they contained some elements of the courtesy books, became volumes of regulations.
However, Mrs. Aresty thinks that conforming to such regulations is not the basis of good manners. “You can put the forks on the right side and the knives on the left side of the plate you may confuse your guest but all you've done is violate a regulation. But if you sit at the table with curlers in your hair and don't give your guest a chance to talk, then you're guilty of bad manners.
“Anything that offends is bad manners and you can define good manners in just three words: consideration for others.” she states, “Manners are what separates the herds from the leaders, the savages from the civilized.” While admitting that today's fast-paced life necessitates more informality, she contends that elimination of the niceties, especially in the area of man-woman relationships, is a “shattering loss.”
“It's a great pleasure to be a woman and have a man look after you,” declares the author, who confesses, “I'm not a women’s lib gal. Women are emasculating men in this country and women’s lib is delivering the coup de grace.” The trim, well-groomed authority on manners of the past is particularly outspoken in her criticisms of children’s manners of the present. Noting that manners were taught in school around the turn of the century, she adds that it would be a good idea for schools to reintroduce such a program.
“You must teach manners; they're not instinctive. The public school system must become surrogate parents in many ways because children are growing up without parental supervision,” says Mrs. Aresty, the mother of a grown son and daughter. “In this country etiquette writers have always complained about the behavior of children,” she goes on. “The tantrum is an American phenomenon. In Europe you rarely see the squalling cutups that are commonplace here.”
In other ways, too, European and American manners differ, Mrs. Aresty says, though the distinction is blurring with the prevalence of international travel. “There was a long tradition in America of not being fancy and not copying European ways,” she comments. “Although the fork came into use in England in the late 17th century, in America most people shoveled food into their mouths with knives right into the 19th century. Well past the Civil War, readers were still being advised not to put the knife into the mouth when eating.”
Men were the arbiters of manners in Europe, since they had plenty of leisure and social life centered around their needs. Thus they wrote the earlier etiquette volumes; but in America women became the custodians of manners and here they wrote the books. The rules of etiquette change constantly, Mrs. Aresty points out, and what is accepted at one period can be considered wrong at another time.
“A period of primness in language began in the 18th century in England and swept from here to this country,” she relates. “Refinement meant that women at American tables would not ask for a piece of breast when fowl was served. They would say ‘I'll have a slice of bosom.’ Even table legs were known as limbs.”
Other bits of advice have remained constant. For example, Mrs. Eliza Farrar, one of the earliest American etiquette writers, warned a lady never to appear before anyone while wearing curl papers. “There is no more frightful appendage to a woman than they are,” she wrote.
In an article in Harper's Bazaar in the late 19th century, Maude Howe suggested this method for entering society: “Give liberally to charity, go on committees and meet there the educated and well-bred. Keep your eyes open to the way they do things, and soon you are able to play the game.” – By Joy Stilley, New York, 1971
“Deference to elders was preached in this ancient papyrus scroll and is one of the oldest rules of civilized mankind,” she points out. “Another ancient courtesy rule is the practice of breaking bread, rather than biting into a whole slice, apparently because it was customary to collect table leavings for the poor. This was even called for in the Talmud.”
Earlier books were general, stressing courtesy and human relationships rather than specific rules, Mrs, Aresty says. At the beginning of the 19th century, etiquette books, while they contained some elements of the courtesy books, became volumes of regulations.
However, Mrs. Aresty thinks that conforming to such regulations is not the basis of good manners. “You can put the forks on the right side and the knives on the left side of the plate you may confuse your guest but all you've done is violate a regulation. But if you sit at the table with curlers in your hair and don't give your guest a chance to talk, then you're guilty of bad manners.
“Anything that offends is bad manners and you can define good manners in just three words: consideration for others.” she states, “Manners are what separates the herds from the leaders, the savages from the civilized.” While admitting that today's fast-paced life necessitates more informality, she contends that elimination of the niceties, especially in the area of man-woman relationships, is a “shattering loss.”
“It's a great pleasure to be a woman and have a man look after you,” declares the author, who confesses, “I'm not a women’s lib gal. Women are emasculating men in this country and women’s lib is delivering the coup de grace.” The trim, well-groomed authority on manners of the past is particularly outspoken in her criticisms of children’s manners of the present. Noting that manners were taught in school around the turn of the century, she adds that it would be a good idea for schools to reintroduce such a program.
“You must teach manners; they're not instinctive. The public school system must become surrogate parents in many ways because children are growing up without parental supervision,” says Mrs. Aresty, the mother of a grown son and daughter. “In this country etiquette writers have always complained about the behavior of children,” she goes on. “The tantrum is an American phenomenon. In Europe you rarely see the squalling cutups that are commonplace here.”
In other ways, too, European and American manners differ, Mrs. Aresty says, though the distinction is blurring with the prevalence of international travel. “There was a long tradition in America of not being fancy and not copying European ways,” she comments. “Although the fork came into use in England in the late 17th century, in America most people shoveled food into their mouths with knives right into the 19th century. Well past the Civil War, readers were still being advised not to put the knife into the mouth when eating.”
Men were the arbiters of manners in Europe, since they had plenty of leisure and social life centered around their needs. Thus they wrote the earlier etiquette volumes; but in America women became the custodians of manners and here they wrote the books. The rules of etiquette change constantly, Mrs. Aresty points out, and what is accepted at one period can be considered wrong at another time.
“A period of primness in language began in the 18th century in England and swept from here to this country,” she relates. “Refinement meant that women at American tables would not ask for a piece of breast when fowl was served. They would say ‘I'll have a slice of bosom.’ Even table legs were known as limbs.”
Other bits of advice have remained constant. For example, Mrs. Eliza Farrar, one of the earliest American etiquette writers, warned a lady never to appear before anyone while wearing curl papers. “There is no more frightful appendage to a woman than they are,” she wrote.
In an article in Harper's Bazaar in the late 19th century, Maude Howe suggested this method for entering society: “Give liberally to charity, go on committees and meet there the educated and well-bred. Keep your eyes open to the way they do things, and soon you are able to play the game.” – By Joy Stilley, New York, 1971
🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia
