An Etiquette Argument for Bowing

Reminded of the well-defined etiquette bearing on the subject, women are likely to add: “ I know that very well; but no woman wants to take the initiative. Men should do that; it’s their business; it doesn't belong to us. No one expects us to make ourselves so bold...”

Who Should Bow First ? —Who has not heard ladies express mild surprise because some man who had been presented to them had not bowed to them on the street, at the theater, or in the drawing room? If you ask them, “Did you recognize him?” they will be apt to reply, “ Oh, no; of course not. He should have spoken first.” Being reminded of the well-defined etiquette bearing on the subject, they are likely to add: “ I know that very well; but no woman wants to take the initiative. Men should do that; it’s their business; it doesn't belong to us. No one expects us to make ourselves so bold.” The truth is, the majority of women are naturally accustomed to men paying court to them; to his making the first advance in everything; that they can’t find it in their sexual sensitiveness, in their conventional selves, to obey a mandate they originally issued, and still insist on perpetuating. 

Not one woman in ten thousand has any fault to find with the rule; in fact, we have never known a woman to object to it. Nevertheless, she seldom follows it in her own case. Sometimes a woman says, as a sort of self justification, “Supposing I should speak to a man, on meeting him after an introduction, and he should not remember me. How awkward I should appear; how overwhelmed I should be with shame to observe that he did not recognize me. I can’t afford to place myself in a position to seem to be cut by any man.” If any number of women feel thus, the point of etiquette should be changed in order to save their sensibilities. In truth, however, the objection is not well made. 

There is not the smallest danger that any man, presuming him, of necessity, to be a gentleman, at least in respect to his observing the ordinary forms of courtesy, would refuse or hesitate to return the acknowledgement of a woman, even though he might not have the remotest recollection of ever having seen her before, or though he were convinced she had confounded him with somebody else. And the fact that he had been recognized by a woman would be the strongest presumptive evidence that he had been presented to her. Men are not likely either to forget their feminine acquaintances, or to mistake Mrs. Thompson for Mrs. Robinson, or Misa Blank for Miss Dash. – Sonoma Democrat, 1876

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Table Etiquette of the Well-Bred

The well-bred woman seats herself without fuss, removes her gloves, opens up her napkin and places it on her lap. She keeps her hands from the table and does nothing for herself because the waiter is paid for service and expects to give it without assistance. 

Betty Bradeen’s Daily Chat

Ease at table is the distinguishing mark of good breeding, and it comes from a thorough knowledge of table etiquette and familiarity with the forms which govern it. If a woman is accustomed to be heedless in the privacy of home life, she is likely to be found wanting in manners when subjected to public inspection, for habits will crop out in the face of ordinary vigilance. Eating in public is an increasing habit which affects other than high-class society. 

Women go to hotels and tearooms after a shopping tour or as a finish to a matinee. The well-bred woman seats herself without fuss, removes her gloves, opens up her napkin and places it on her lap. She keeps her hands from the table and does nothing for herself because the waiter is paid for service and expects to give it without assistance. 

If soup is served she eats noiselessly from the side of her spoon, dipping from her and never attempting to fill the spoon to the dripping point or clean her plate. This may seem an unnecessary statement, but from recent observation I am inclined to the belief that if all women know these things, they do not practice them. 

Fish is generally eaten with a fork, which is sufficient to separate the flesh from the bones. It is allowable to use a knife when necessary, and it is usually provided for the purpose. There are innumerable other dishes when nothing more than a fork is necessary, like omelettes, croquettes and creamed meats or vegetables and salads. It is obvious that the fewer the implements at the table, the easier the process of eating, and if knife, fork and spoon are reserved for their separate uses, there is less likelihood of blunders. It is safe to use the fork wherever possible and neglect the knife when it can be done without discomfort and awkwardness. 

Spoons are necessary with liquids or semi-liquids, and that ought to be easy to remember. It ought not to be necessary to say that only small portions of food should he conveyed to the mouth and that speech should he tabooed until the morsels are swallowed, but here is just where serious fault can be found. Perfect chewing is done with closed lips and in silence, but the great majority are not doing either. There is chatter from beginning to finish, and so we hear of bad cases of indigestion, and accusations of bolting the food. 

Refinement in eating and drinking cannot be too strongly dwelt upon, and the importance of beginning the training in childhood cannot be over-estimated. Feeding is not a pretty process at its best. There are small points in table etiquette which change from time to time and one may be pardoned for being unfamiliar with them. Any woman of ordinary perception can pick them up by merely waiting till she sees somebody do the correct thing. If there is a single article on the table whose use one does not know, it is best left in its place—neglect will easily pass for intentional in such a case. 

If a woman knows that she is not graceful with tea or service, she will do better to leave the pouring to the others, for it is good form to shirk service if one wishes. There is everything in this set of rules to stamp one with refinement if she heeds them, and nothing which could not, and should not, be a part of the simplest home life. —Betty Bradeen, 1909

Etiquette Enthusiast Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette for Handkerchiefs

The romance of the handkerchief embraces the etiquette of it. A girl may take her kerchief off her throat and wave it at the incoming guest. She may lightly toss a signal with it at departing friends. She may, if on the water, wig-wag with it and she may follow the the fashion of the country in the manner of manipulating it, in code style. 

The Lady and Her Handkerchief

There is a romance about the handkerchief. Efforts have been made to introduce the black handkerchief, and the one made of blue and white stripes, and the handkerchief that is all bright red or all deep green. But these have failed and the delicate thing of white, linen in the middle and lace around the edge, is the only one permissible for nice occasions. 

The romance of the handkerchief embraces the etiquette of it. A girl may take her kerchief off her throat and wave it at the incoming guest. She may lightly toss a signal with it at departing friends. She may, if on the water, wig-wag with it and she may follow the the fashion of the country in the manner of manipulating it, in code style. 

But when she comes indoors the etiquette of the handkerchief changes. And no article, not even the fan, is as rigidly ruled as the handkerchief. And very susceptible to treatment is the little lacy square. It can be made to denote a great deal or nothing at all. It was at one time thought not very good form to show the handkerchief at all, for it was regarded as an article of toilet, not of display. But this argument proved utterly futile in the face of the exquisite little lace creations that were offered, and woman, in her vanity and in her love of the beautiful, decided that it was far too effective a weapon to be so hidden. 

Moreover, the handkerchief offered something for the hands to do, so woman argued. And when she laid it away she lost one of the most attractive little features of her dress and of frivolity. The handkerchief, the fan and the little wrist bag are all very much a part of the society woman. To handle them well is a triumph of culture and breeding. 

Do Not Abuse the Handkerchief

While liberty is given in the handling of the pocket handkerchief, one must be wary of its abuse. Never on any account take it and tuck it in the front of the gown. You would not handle any other article in this way; then why the handkerchief! In a day's search you would never see a lady unbutton her dress and thrust a purse in her bosom, or a pair of gloves. Then, why should she do so with the unoffending handkerchief?

• Do not carry in the parlor a vivid handkerchief. Do not carry in the evening one that is loudly lettered with a colored initial. 
• Do not carry, a handkerchief that suggests a sheet, and do not carry one that looks like, a rag. 
• Never, on any consideration put the handkerchief into the mouth. 
• Chewing the end of it is very bad form, yet you do sometimes see ladies do it. 
• Do not bite or tear at the handkerchief. 
• Do not mop the mouth with it. 
• Of course, never rub the forehead and head with it. 
• And do not wipe the hands on it.

You can, if so please you, delicately touch the lips with its lacy edge and one may sniff it ever so lightly, to get its sweetness. But it must not be put to utilitarian uses, for the parlor handkerchief is an ornament, not a thing for use. To blow the nose with enthusiasm is exquisitely bad form. 

Do not flirt with the handkerchief. This is not good. It must not be tossed in the hand, nor flourished in the parlor. The handkerchief can match the lacy trimmings of the gown and then it is a thing to be tucked in the belt, the sleeve or even In the finger ring, for there are rings built for this. 

If necessary to shed a few tears, the handkerchief can be used to lightly dry the tear drop. It is bad form to weep with abandon in the handkerchief; the emotions must be controlled into picturesqueness. Don't treat the handkerchief as though it were a weapon. Don't play hide and seek with it. Don't let it drop to the floor. 

Don't lay it down upon the table or chair. Don't stuff it into your collar. Don't wind it between your fingers. And don't, of course, carry a handkerchief that is not delicately pristine in its beauty. 

What She Can Do With It

The handkerchief abused is a thing of hissing and a byword. But treated poetically, it becomes a thing of romance, as suggestive in its attractive possibilities as the fan, and one that offers as good a weapon for woman's art.

Let the handkerchief rest in the lap, use it for the fingers, lift it if so please you, but let it not be treated outlandishly. Few women understand the etiquette of pocket handkerchief. But all ladies do. It's treatment may be a matter of instinct, but more often, it is one of studiously acquired art.

The making of a handkerchief, its embroidering and its hemstitching is a thing that is dainty in the extreme, and the belles of these days are embroidering the monograms under the light of the parlor lamp, to the admiring looks of the masculine caller. 

The lady and the pocket handkerchief figure largely in the romantic annals of the world's history; and the tear shed at the right time, the whiff of rose, the manipulation so as to display the taper fingers, all assist in the work of love-making for which the world was created. The real lady will never tie articles in the corner of her handkerchief, nor will she use it as a mop or a duster. On the contrary, she will treat it as the most treasured bit of bric-a-brac in her possession. —San Francisco Call, 1902

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Edwardian Women's Etiquette

Tsk, tsk! Sprawling over the dinner table is neither graceful nor refined behavior for a young woman! She must be located in steerage. She certainly won't be found here in 1st Class.

The table manners of the twentieth century woman are being widely criticised and the worst thing said of them is this—they are not up to the standard of dress and cleverness exhibited by up-to-date femininity. It is true that women have made rapid strides in improvement, but there are those will declare that development has been one-sided. 

Women have learned to dress becomingly and take care of their bodies. They go about a good deal, which gives them self-possession, and read to give them a smattering that passes as smartness. But they are backward in real knowledge and lack the rudiments of politeness which every child used to learn. 

I have occasion to eat often in public places and there I meet instances of ill-breeding that are in marked contrast to the personal appearance of those responsible for them. It ought not to be necessary to be informed that is the first rule in eating and that small mouthfuls are better in more ways than that of comfort. 

Modern etiquette allows women to lean upon their elbows whenever they sit, but sprawling over the dinner table is neither graceful nor refined. The other night I saw a well-dressed woman powder her face with the addition of a tiny mirror before she left a public dining table. Another combed her front hair and others did things quite as baffling. 

It was at a fashionable restaurant where the bad manners were exhibited, and the young women were good-looking and well-dressed. Imagine their home life when they can be so careless in public! If mothers are careless—that is the first cause of bad breeding. They are too busy and too worried to consider the little things of life, they say, so girls grow up without any desire to remedy the maternal faults. 

Their only desire is to have pretty clothes. Generally they must earn them—and while as imitative as monkeys in matters pertaining to dress, they never attempt to copy the marks of good breeding which must come under their notice every day. 

It is so easy to teach little ones the simple manners of refined eating, and habits formed in youth remain so persistently with man or woman that it is unfair to deprive them of so valuable an equipment. One can never tell what piece of good fortune the future has in store, and being prepared to receive it saves both time and uneasiness. 

Good society is rather a stickler for forms, but the fine points of etiquette can easily be added to a bedrock of common rules, their manners should be as fine as our clothes, at least. — Betty Bradeen, Sacramento Union, 1911

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia