Holiday Party Etiquette

There are socially appropriate ways to mollify the snubbed hosts, says Maura J. Graber, who owns RSVP Institute of Etiquette in Ontario. Thank them profusely, explain the situation, apologize and send a bouquet, a gift certificate, chocolates or wine the day of the party, she says.

“First Invite” Rule is Golden

ETIQUETTE: Deciding which soirees to attend and how to decline others does matter, experts say. Socialite Pattie Daly Caruso of Palm Desert hates to miss a holiday party. But if several conflict, she resorts to the "relatives first" rule, opting for family gatherings.

"It's important to determine which parties you need to go to," says Caruso, host of the "Valley Views" talk show on Time-Warner cable channel 10 in the Coachella Valley. If two close friends are each throwing simultaneous bashes, she tries to show up at both.

But what if the soirees are counties apart at overlapping times? Go with the first invitation you've accepted, says VictorSeitz, grooming and etiquette author and a professor of marketing at Cal State San Bernardino.

There are socially appropriate ways to mollify the snubbed hosts, says Maura J. Graber, who owns RSVP Institute of Etiquette in Ontario. Thank them profusely, explain the situation, apologize and send a bouquet, a gift certificate, chocolates or wine the day of the party, she says.

She advises holiday party hosts to mail invitations earlier next year, even in October, because December weekends tend to fill up quickly. "There are always friends who will be terribly hurt and expect you to get out of your other plans," Graber says.

What if there's no other party to attend but you want to weasel out of a bash anyway? anyway? "Just decline," says Seitz. "Just say you have another obligation. You don't have to justify a 'no.' But do RSVP. Most people don't even respond. It's sad and disrespectful.”

“Learn to be evasive,” says Graber. “Always thank the person, but don't go overboard. The less said, the better. ‘Oh, too bad. I wish the party were another night, is okay,” she says. “Keep the emotional stuff out of it.”

There's no need to be brutally honest. Sitting in front of the television clipping your toenails definitely constitutes “other plans,” she says. Curling up with a book and a cup of tea could be construed as “family matters. You're part of your family,” Graber says.

Don't let yourself be guilt-tripped. “Some people's feelings will be hurt no matter what,” she says. “There's so much we already feel guilty about, especially around the holidays. We don't need to pile on more.” — By Laurie Lucas, Press Enterprise, 2004

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Cruise Line Dining

   Above, perusing and photographing a very small portion of the midnight buffet – It became obvious on the cruises I have taken that the majority of passengers take cruises simply for the food. The midnight buffets are extraordinary, and the menus are now offering a more lighter fare for the diet and the fitness conscious.

When it to comes offering fun to vacationers, while also educating them on how to be polite at the same time, the cruise lines have the market cornered. For example, they tell you when to tip, how much to tip, and will strongly suggest what they consider to be appropriate attire.

About the only thing on the ships not explained are the confusing table settings. But, in all fairness, the cruise ships, in an effort to accommodate the many nationalities and customs of their employees and guests, have had to come up with unique ways of serving foods, clearing dishes and utensils, and keeping thousands of people happy.

Not an easy trick. The last cruise I took was on a ship booked to capacity. Over 1,800 people were on board. The meals, routinely scheduled with an “early” and “late” seating for breakfast, lunch and dinner, were served to over 900 guests in the dining rooms, with every guest fully expecting his or her dish to be served at the proper temperature and tasting fabulous.

Our head waiter was from Italy, our waiter from India, and our assistant waiter was from Jamaica. Each was responsible for several tables.

I noticed how often they were asked questions, and I even quizzed them myself for more clarification after the meals were finished. 

The following is what you should know about cruise ship dining:

“In this business, hospitality is essential.” was the word from our waiter. “On the ships we have to sometimes compromise between the cultures.

“Where in the United States foods are served from the left and plates are removed from the right, and the opposite holds for the European countries, we have found it easier and more efficient to serve and remove from the right... Everything.”

Our assistant waiter was constantly removing unused utensils from the place settings that should, or could, have been used to that point in the meal. Always polite, he answered the same question over and over again as to why he did this. “Because you will not need these any longer,” he would say with a huge grin, not wanting to: (1) point out that the diner had used the wrong fork for a particular course (which is exactly what I had done), or (2) get into lengthy table setting instructions unless the diner asked for them (which I also did!)

The table settings can be confusing! While according to the dining room director of Norwegian Cruise Lines their table settings are more traditional European than other cruise ships, they still attempt to fit the needs of their guests

“We only have two knives at the setting on the right of the plate. We deal with a lot of Europeans who tend to use more knives than Americans. We will replace them as needed throughout the meal.”

With regard to typical place settings, the dessert fork and spoon are placed above the plate Both Norwegian Cruise Lines and Royal Caribbean, however, put two spoons above the plate and one fork The extra spoon is for coffee, and the Royal Caribbean fork is for the appetizer.

This came as quite a shock to me. With three dinner-size forks to the left of the plate and one smallish fork (in between the size of a salad fork and a cocktail fork) above the plate, I figured the setting complemented the menu rather well.

Some of the appetizers were quite large, and I don't oppose to eating salads with a larger fork than I am accustomed to. European flatware is generally larger than its American counterparts.

“If you remove other silver from the table that I've not ordered the course for, why haven't you ever removed the fork from above the plate if its intended purpose is the appetizer?” I asked after being told I didn't know the setting as well as I had thought. I had never seen the appetizer or cocktail fork placed there and assumed it was for dessert.

Prior to the dessert course, if I'd only ordered the entree and used one fork to the left of the plate, the other two beside it were whisked away.

The only answer that seemed to make sense was given to me by the dining room manager, who said: “We make it your choice. If you use it for an appetizer, that's fine. If you save it for dessert, that's okay also. We leave it up to the guests and don't say anything unless they ask.”

As previously stated, Norwegian Cruise Lines ships are more traditional and set from the far left of the plate a cocktail fork, a salad fork and a dinner fork; from the far right a soup spoon, and moving toward the plate is a knife that is sized so that it can be used for a salad or an appetizer, then replaced if needed for another course, and then the dinner knife. 

The bread plate and butter spreader are also placed differently on Royal Caribbean. Theirs is placed to the left of the forks, with the blade of the spreader facing the diner to the left of the setting, in an "aggressive" manner while Norwegian's plates are above the forks with the blade facing the diner it is intended for in a “nonaggressive” manner. But, in all fairness, every time I dine out I see confusion as to whose bread is whose, so this may be Royal Caribbean’s way of leaving it up to the diners as to who eats from where.

It became obvious on the cruises I have taken that the majority of passengers take cruises simply for the food. The midnight buffets are extraordinary, and the menus are even now offering lighter fare for the diet and fitness conscious. If you’ve got a cruise booked in your future, I wish you a bon voyage. — By Maura J. Graber, for Inland Empire Magazine, July 1994

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Spotlight on Maura J. Graber

 

Meet Etiquette Enthusiast, Teacher, Author, Historian and Etiquipedia© Site Editor and Founder, Maura J. Graber of 

The RSVP Institute of Etiquette

The Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia was an idea that took shape in late-2011 after an Etiquette Instructor Trainee was lamenting the fact that there wasn’t a free, online resource, where factual etiquette information could be found, along with the reasons behind the etiquette rules. Maura J. Graber decided then to start such a site. Beginning in 2012, Maura’s first posts were rather long, but there were only seven of them, as she was still focused on a personal etiquette blog, “The Etiquette Sleuth.” By 2013, she had tripled the number of posts. By 2016, she was posting hundreds of articles a year. Since 2020 she has posted many more articles and her goal is to post one new article every day, There are now about 3,500 articles on the site.

Though Graber offers classes to all ages, working with teens and young adults is especially rewarding for her. She says that they are the most vulnerable to depression, peer pressure, and social media. She also loves to speak on proper table setting and antiques for the table. She is a popular speaker for museums and historical groups. She has also worked as a consultant for Julian Fellowes’ show, “The Gilded Age” on HBO-Max

Below are links to just a few of Maura Graber’s articles on etiquette which you’ll find on Etiquipedia:

• Etiquette, Regrets and the RSVP
• Q & A on Passing Food at the Table
• The Polite Thanksgiving Guest – 12 Tips
• Hosting Thanksgiving – 12 Top Tips
• Ten Tips on the Art of Small Talk

The following is a Q. & A. with Maura:

Along with teaching etiquette, Maura was the Table Top Spokesperson for a chain of 9 high-end department stores in Southern California in the mid to late 1990’s, traveling from store to store doing talks. By the time the chain merged with another chain of stores in 1999, expanding to 5 states, Maura decided her children were too young for her to be traveling as much as she would need to, so she continued her busy schedule of after-school etiquette classes throughout several counties and took on a role not only on-air, but producing news segments and reviews for a local PBS station. Her stories highlighted  philanthropic organizations and “feel-good stories.”

What was the impetus for starting your Etiquette business?

After working a few different jobs in high school and college, including as a part-time, Princess House Crystal consultant selling dining and entertaining wares, working in retail sales and also as a telephone operator, I took a position as a restaurant manager in Newport Beach, and got used to watching how people behaved and ate in such a public setting. It was eye-opening. I felt most comfortable selling women’s clothing and accessories though. I was quite good at dressing women, and soon opened my own boutique in 1984. By 1990, with a growing family, I was looking for an old-fashioned charm school but couldn’t find one anywhere, I decided to branch out again and opened my own etiquette school. I quickly became so busy teaching etiquette, I left the fashion business behind me within a few years.

An old modeling photo from 1989, wearing an outfit from  her “Timeless Knits” line.

What do you enjoy most about teaching etiquette?

I found out rather quickly that teaching others etiquette and good manners is very rewarding in a way that most other jobs and businesses are not. Knowing you have given someone social self-confidence and the right tools to navigate their ways throughout all of the societal pitfalls they will likely encounter, especially as teens and young adults, is extremely rewarding.  I have also amassed a large collection of antique dining utensils and have written several etiquette history books, featuring the unusual utensils and their uses.

Maura’s latest book is out on Amazon. In “Yesteryear… More of What Have We Here?” the etiquette authority, social historian, and collector of unusual dining implements, treats readers to a trip back in time through various unusual objects for dining and living, along with the etiquette and social tools that once made up an everyday life in Western society and many that still apply today. Curiosities spanning from prior to the Georgian era, Regency era, Victorian eras, the Gilded Age, throughout the Edwardian era, up until the Mid-20th Century, which describe in a fond clarity, not only how we once socialized, dined and lived, but how to entertain today using antiques and making simple but unique choices.  

Screenshot of Maura on PBS demonstrating and talking about special dining utensils for those with physical challenges, circa 2006.

What type of classes do you offer?

I offer very personalized, one-on-one classes, along with group classes for children and adults. My afternoon tea etiquette sessions are very popular, for all ages. I also offer classes via Zoom for clients who are overseas, though some people will also fly to Southern California to work with me.

What age group do you enjoy working with most? 
Teens to young adults are my favorite group to teach etiquette, though every student, aged 5 though to 85, is unique and special. 

Which are some of the older etiquette authors or authorities you enjoy reading? 
I love reading old books by Lillian Eichler, Letitia Baldridge, Amy Vanderbilt, Elizabeth Post and Judith Martin, aka Miss Manners, and of course, old newspaper and magazine articles on etiquette.

If you’d like to reach Maura, you can call her at 909-923-5650 or (inside the United States, 800-891-RSVP), you can visit her RSVP Institute of Etiquette website or email Maura at rsvpinstitute @gmail.com or etiquipedia @gmail.com

Talking etiquette at an evening program for the Ontario Museum of History and Art in 2017

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette: Tent-Style Place Cards vs Flat

 

Place cards are used for seating arrangements and should never be tampered with if you want to be invited back. Hosts/Hostesses go to a lot of trouble and time to make sure the seating arrangements are proper and that everyone's tastes and feelings are accommodated. Sit where a place card has been set for you (the one with your name on it) and mingle with others you didn't sit with afterward.

Dear Maura:

What is the proper way to include a placecard at a formal table? Where is it placed? Is the name only written on one side of a “tent- style” card, or both sides? — K.E., Ontario

Dear K.E.:

The correct usage of place cards deals solely with the intent of the usage. If you are hosting an affair with people who do not know one another, tent-style cards are a wonderful way of letting one know which place at the table is his. Tent-style cards with a name written on both sides allows others at the table to not have to fumble to remember the names of those sitting nearby them.

Both sides of the card should have the name on them and the card should be placed above the place setting in clear view of other diners.

If your meal is a get-together of friends or family who all know one another, flat place cards can be placed at each setting, on the charger, service plate or place plate to signify where one is to sit. Tent cards can also be used.

And by no means should place-cards ever be removed or rearranged by guests. Protocol and etiquette dictate that certain people be seated at certain places. Hosts and hostesses going to the trouble of following the rules in those situations are to be commended. A guest should never take it upon himself to “improve” the seating arrangement. — By Maura Graber for Inland Empire Magazine, 1993

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

An Etiquette New Year’s Resolution

“All too often written thank you notes are overlooked when they should be second nature to us. Busy schedules and "relaxed" standards are usually blamed. Unfortunately, lack of knowledge and undeveloped social skills to make people feel appreciated is the real culprit. Life for many of us has become so hectic we feel we can cut back on certain things and still acquire or retain the quality of life we want to have. However, a handwritten or even typed (if for professional purposes) note or letter will help retain bonds of friendship, professional ties necessary for profitable businesses, and a reputation for not taking others for granted that can undoubtedly improve the quality of anyone's life.” –Etiquipedia Site Editor and Director of the RSVP Institute, Maura J. Graber, 1991

Resolved: Write Notes of Thanks 

Before the year gets a day older, Christmas thank-you notes ought to be written. But cheer up, the experts say they may be brief.

Take up the quill, they admonish, and try to recapture that pleasurable moment when the tissue paper fell aside to reveal the marble cigarette box, the toaster or the cashmere sweater.

The greatest pleasure of Christmas, to most of us, is viewing someone'’s delight over the gift we have selected. This is the spirit that should govern the thank-you’s to those who could not be there.

The stationery selected for the occasion may be your usual correspondence paper, personals or a card in the form of a personal with “Thank You” *(or other suitable sayings) on the front flap with space inside for a message. Etiquette experts decry the use of a printed card requiring only a signature.

A quick look at the stock available in the shops shows that the strict “thank-you” notes come in many varieties. Colorful lettering, interesting script styles and handsome striped: backgrounds are included.– From The New York Times, 1957

✍️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Dining Etiquette History Bits

“Now” is always a good time to brush up on inoffensive dining habits and how they evolved. If you know how a rule came about, you will most likely remember the rule, rather than tuning it out of your mind as being ridiculous.

Let's start with the table and how it is set. Would you set your table with forks, spoons and handguns? Probably not, unless yours is some type of “theme” event which I do not want to dwell on.

The question of handguns is out of the question for those of us who consider ourselves civilized. But this was a problem European forefathers faced when it came to knives at the table.

Before forks and spoons arrived on the scene, the only implements for eating were knives and one's fingers-a problem, because knives were the weapon du jour and someone who had consumed too much grog I might take offense to another diner’s remarks during the course of the meal. And according to old literature, many people were done away with during dinner time.

Once Europe decided to become more civil, rules for knives at the table had to be created. The blades must be rounded, Cardinal Richelieu decreed, after watching dinner guests pick at their teeth with the pointed ends of their knives.

It was also decided that knives could only be used if they were necessary for a particular fare. Soft foods had to be eaten with the hands (breads, pasta before sauces were added, etc…). Knives laid at the table were to have the blades facing the plate or the diner they were set for, as opposed to facing toward another diner in an aggressive manner.

The placement of the silver, or flatware, is what everyone seems to get confused with in modern society. We still eat with the utensils farthest from the plate first and work toward the plate as we continue the meal. And the utensils above the plate are reserved for dessert, with two exceptions: the salt spoon and butter spreader.

Salt cellars are small dishes containing salt, and hopefully a salt spoon, which is a tiny thing that looks as if it belongs in a dollhouse.

And gesticulating (waving one's knife in the air) while talking was and still is frowned upon. When eating with one's hands, one finger was kept extended and out of the trencher (the bowl the food was served in) to remain free of grease. That finger could then be used to dip into the salt without tainting it. Once it was determined your fingers could touch nothing at the table except for the bread or utensils, you could no longer use your finger for the salt.

The little things are what tend to add up to one big faux pas, so I will list in order of importance the basics of the table and settings that most people find confusing:

• Your bread plate is above your forks to the left of your plate.
• Your glasses are the ones above your knives and spoons to the right of your plate.
• The fork is the only utensil that can be at all three sides of the set ting: three on the left, one above, one on the right.
• Coffee is never served with the meal if the meal is a formal one. It is only served after the meal, away from the table.
• Nothing is to be spit into your napkin at the table. Spitting has not been allowed for at least 100 years.
• Shoving your plate away from you to let others know you are done isn't done in polite dining.
• The charger or service plate is customarily removed prior to the serving of the entree, but can remain on the table through to dessert.

From an article by Maura J. Graber in “Southern California Magazine,” 1993

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

19th C. Changes to Dining Forks

The spoon is now pretty well subdued also, and the fork, insolent and triumphant, has become a sumptuary tyrant. The true devotee of fashion does not dare to use a spoon except to stir his tea or to eat his soup with, and meekly eats his ice cream with a fork and pretends to like it.

Until 1922, proper etiquette demanded that specialized forks be used for eating ice cream. Not everyone was happy with this fad. As Florence Howe Hall, the the granddaughter of Julia Ward Howe, complained in 1887:

The fork has now become the favorite and fashionable utensil for conveying food to the mouth. First it crowded out the knife, and now in its pride it has invaded the domain of the once powerful spoon. The spoon is now pretty well subdued also, and the fork, insolent and triumphant, has become a sumptuary tyrant. The true devotee of fashion does not dare to use a spoon except to stir his tea or to eat his soup with, and meekly eats his ice cream with a fork and pretends to like it.

The more diners resorted to the fork, the more they noticed its limitations. A two-tined fork may be useful for spearing, but it is not a good tool for eating delicate foods like flaky fish or pastry. To meet this need and other presumed ones, flatware manufacturers stepped into the breach, paying greater attention to the shape of the utensils as they related to food. Although multi-tined forks had periodically been manufactured for centuries, dinner forks were now regularly made with several tines (usually three or four, but on occasion up to five or six) rather than with two long, widely spaced straight ones. 

In this way, the diner could spear food without having to twist the fork and risk damaging a delicate morsel or, worse yet, having the food fall off the tines or slip through the space between them. The additional tines, now molded in a slightly curved fashion, helped to scoop up food like a spoon, and the curve allowed for a clearer view of the food being cut. Fish forks were designed with four tines, of which the outer two curved slightly for ease in picking up flaked pieces of fish. A special pastry fork, or “cutting fork,” was patented in 1869 by Reed & Barton, with one thick outer tine sharp enough to cut the pastry. Its remaining tines functioned like those on a regular fork to bring the food to the mouth. — From “Feeding Desire,” 2006

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gilded Age Specialty Utensils

Etiquette class students of mine have always been terribly confused as to why everyday fruits and vegetables, like tomatoes and cucumbers, would have utensils made specifically for them. I have to explain that these were perishable and without refrigeration, would spoil quickly. Perishable vegetables and fruits were also quite expensive. Showing them off by using beautiful utensils to serve them was another way of gilded age “one-upmanship” and showing off one’s wealth. The photo and the information below, is from the book, “What Have We Here?: The Etiquette and Essentials of Lives Once Lived, from the Georgian Era through the Gilded Age and Beyond...” from Etiquipedia Site Editor, Maura J. Graber

What have we here?

Gilded Age, sterling cucumber and tomato servers. The smaller, cucumber servers (and in some patterns these were sold as “cheese servers”), have little “teeth” that tomato servers normally don’t have. These servers fell out of fashion as refrigerators became more common in people’s homes. Perishable foods were no longer a tremendous concern. The round servers which once served up tomato slices were found to be perfect, however, for serving slices of canned, jellied cranberry sauce at holiday dinners, and soon they were being marketed as “cranberry servers.” — From What Have We Here?: The Etiquette and Essentials of Lives Once Lived, from the Georgian Era through the Gilded Age and Beyond..., 2021

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

What Have We Here? 18th–20th C. Etiquette

What Have We Here?: The Etiquette and Essentials of Lives Once Lived, from the Georgian Era through the Gilded Age and Beyond...

I have spoken about writing this book for the last few years, and finally the book is now here, available on Amazon. It was a labor of love and I enjoyed every moment of photographing the items I carefully chose to write about, many of which are on the front cover.

There is a lot of information on Gilded Age etiquette (in anticipation of the upcoming Julian Fellowes’ program now filming for HBO in New York) along with Georgian Era and Regency Era etiquette, etc… 

The crazy thing is that it took me several weeks to receive my author copies, but during my wait, people around the world were posting the most wonderful reviews on Instagram! Especially in Italy, where I have made several new friends.

Of course there are plenty of utensils in the book. Favorites are Edwardian era cayenne pepper spoons, like this sterling example below, from 1905.
                   

Gilded Age chocolate spoons with a chocolate muddler, demitasse-sized trembleuse and pots de creme cups.Many other items which are not utensils, but were part of everyday lives, are shown coming from the 1700’s through the early 1900’s. And, of course, there is a lot of etiquette included throughout, including place settings and proper use of glasses and dishes.

The Graber Olive House and beautiful late Spring weather offered a perfect backdrop for much of my photography.

Etiquette for gloves and glove stretchers like this Bailey & Co., sterling silver glove stretcher in the form of a duck, is one of my favorite items. Gloves and glove etiquette figure prominently in the book. And the section on napkins and gloves in the Gilded Age with the appropriately named, “napkin burrito,” is a must read and see!I want to thank all of the readers who have already purchased the book. Your incredible reviews online and Instagram have meant more than you know and make what I do all the more worthwhile.

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia