Etiquette for Extra Outer Envelopes

“When invitations are sent by post, an extra outer envelope is always used, and one such may enclose all of the invitations addressed to one family. When delivered by messenger, the outer wrap is no longer used.” 

Using the “Post” 

Manners and Customs Practiced in Polite Society

The post has become as suitable a method as any for conveying social messages. In the stately English etiquette, which our people have so largely adopted, it is considered thoroughly respectful to send cards and invitations by post. It is certainly as complementary to send them by post as by the dirty fingers of a hired messenger. 

In all countries, a card sent by private hand in an envelope is equivalent to a visit. In England, one sent by post is equivalent to a visit, excepting after a dinner. Nothing should ever be penciled on a card sent by post except the letters P.P.C. 

When invitations are sent by post, an extra outer envelope is always used, and one such may enclose all of the invitations addressed to one family. When delivered by messenger, the outer wrap is no longer used. A messenger was once considered the only courteous medium for delivering a ladies social messages, but the conveniences of the postal delivery have made it an approved and satisfactory substitute. — San Diego Bee, 1887

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Epitomized for Women

Woman's redingote, c. 1790. Silk and cotton satin and plain weave. Los Angeles County Museum of Art

1905 in “Winter Women’s World”

A New Walk 

“A new figure and a new poise have been called into existence by the winter fashions. A slow, languorous movement of the limbs is therefore cultivated, as being more conducive to grace when wearing the long redingote coat and the newly introduced ‘Princess Styles.’ The new walk is just a little suggestive of the ‘Gibson Girl,’ but in a modified form. 

“The figure is held upright at the shoulders, with the slightest forward bend at the waist, the head is erect, the chin in, and the legs swing from the hips. The practice of sleeping on the back or one side is fatal to the new poise. If the woman of fashion would look tall and stately she must sleep face downwards, with a small pillow tightly wedged under her chin in order to avoid suffocation.”

Etiquette Epitomized

A written reply to the hostess is required to a written invitation to a dinner luncheon or card party.

The first invitation from a new acquaintance should always, where it is possible, be accepted.

When rising from the table at a dinner, luncheon, etc., It is not necessary to replace one’s chair.

At the leave-taking, it is permissible, and an act of friendship and courtesy, to shake hands with your hostess. – Los Angeles Herald, 1905

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Japanese Etiquette

Bowing when one is seated on the soft mats of a Japanese house (by far the politest method) is much more complicated. 

Why the Japanese Are Called
 the “French of the East”
 👘⛩🗾🎏👘⛩🗾🎏

They Even Pass Beyond the Gauls in Their Excess of Formality

The Japanese are called the French of the East, and their complicated system of etiquette is indeed not unworthy of the most polished nation of Europe. The old-time ceremonies were long and laborious, and have to a great extent disappeared with the present busy era. But the every-day etiquette still remains, and many of the forms are pretty and quaint, and especially interesting to the foreign traveler in Japan as being so peculiarly oriental. 

It is especially curious to see how even the lowest classes, the coolies and the jinricksha men, keep up a form of etiquette among themselves and are exceedingly polite and ceremonious while pulling their two-wheeled vehicles or pursuing the lowest trades in the humble walks of life. 

One from the West would hardly expect to find a coolie bowing profoundly and apologizing to another in the most courteous of language for some mishap, or shouting out some expression of sympathy when a heavy burden was being carried or pushed along, and yet these are common, everyday occurrences in Tokyo.

In learning the etiquette of Japan a stranger will always do well to remember that self-abasement and humility to the extreme must be the guiding principle on which all actions are to be ruled. In America it is often the duty of a guest to accept little courtesies from his host, not because he thinks it is due him as a superior, but because he is simply the guest, and he receives them as a kindness which hospitality extends to him, and which he cannot refuse without appearing ungracious. 

In Japan the laws of hospitality for the host are no less rigid than in America, To welcome the coming and speed the parting, to entertain with the best that one has in the kindest and most friendly manner, to see that the guest lacks nothing which thoughtfulness might provide—these are rigidly the duty of the Japanese host.

The duty of the guest differs in that each separate act of courtesy, even though accepted in the end, must be met with many protests and expostulations, and must on no account be simply accepted. The extreme to which this is carried would no doubt seem tiresome to those accustomed to the free-and-easy etiquette of American life. 

Tedious Expostulations 

Every Japanese parlor has its place of honor and its honorable and less honorable side, the latter being usually toward the door leading to the other apartments, the bedrooms and the kitchen. The seat of honor is in the part removed from the door, and is in front of a raised alcove, where are placed a hanging scroll, a vase of flowers and the few ornaments which a room possesses. 

It is a matter of time, energy and many bows before a guest can be induced to take this place of honor, and it is a contest in which the host must be the victor in the end, or, if not entirely successful, he must at least persuade his guest to sit in the more honorable side of the room, so that he himself may take the humblest place on the other side. It is also a matter of importance as to who shall precede in entering a room, and much time is spent by two people, one waiting for the other and each refusing to enter first. 

In entertaining many guests the host's duties are arduous, and as each separate guest is bound to consider himself the humblest of all the company, it is no little work to persuade him to the contrary.

There is a great deal in the etiquette of bows. Handshaking is a foreign innovation, and bowing hitherto has been the only mode of salutation. When two acquaintances meet in the street a bow is made by placing the hands in front as far down as they will reach, and then bowing from the waist downward until the upper part of the body is almost at rignt angles with the lower. 

One bow is not usually sufficient at a meeting, for if words are exchanged a bow must accompany each expression of good-will and friendship. Bowing when one is seated on the soft mats of a Japanese house (by far the politest method) is much more complicated. One is not expected to hurry through as in the street, and there is no excuse for the omissions of all the formal phrases of courtesy, each of which must be accompanied by bows made with the hands placed on the floor and the head bent down to them. 

There must always be an exchange of congratulations on the continued good health of the families, thanks for past kindnesses or favor shown by any member of one family to the other, and very often a visit is accompanied by a gift, which is formally presented and accepted. —Sacramento Daily Union, 1897

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Evolving Social Customs

On Technology – "While I counsel conservatism in these changes, I am convinced that the new dynasty of wire and wireless is destined to dominate us; and as discovery continues and inventions multiply, the time is near when immediate communication will be had at long range..."  
On Invitations – "It is still considered better to adhere to the more respectful written form if there is any doubt about the new way being acceptable to the party of the second part." 

“The universal use of the telephone is another factor in the modification of social customs. Among familiar friends, the little chat over the 'phone largely takes the place of the informal call. Also, invitations to any but strictly formal functions are now sent by telephone, if agreeable to both parties; though it is still considered better to adhere to the more respectful written form if there is any doubt about the new way being acceptable to the party of the second part. 

While I counsel conservatism in these changes, I am convinced that the new dynasty of wire and wireless is destined to dominate us; and as discovery continues and inventions multiply, the time is near when immediate communication will be had at long range; possibly telepathy—who knows? Or, possibly tele-photography with it—why not? Then, the slow, laborious writing of messages will be as much out of date as the super-annuated stage-coach.

But—not yet; we are still in the process of evolution. It is still safe to heed Pope's famous advice:

"Be not the first by whom the new is tried,
Nor yet the last to lay the old aside.”

– From Agnes H. Morton's, 1919 book, “Etiquette.”

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Lurks in Closet

Etiquette was the skeleton lurking in the diplomatic closet! 

RED TAPE NEARLY SPOILS BIG SHOW

Lack of Formal Invitations Keeps Few Consuls From Meeting Secretary Knox

Reception to Foreign Consuls by Secretary Knox Marred by Breach of Code

There is a skeleton in the closet of the Panama-Pacific International Exposition company. It made its fearsome presence known yesterday for the first time, when it stalked into the midst of the ceremonies surrounding the visit of Secretary of State Philander C. Knox. By valiant effort on the part of exposition officials and members of the California Development board it was routed yesterday, but it threatens to become a frequent visitor before the gates of the great exposition are finally closed.

The name of this skeleton is Etiquette. Its ways are dark and its habits mysterious. It has bothered around in the open to a certain extent before, but never until yesterday did it threaten to disrupt the best laid plans of the men, who, in the name of San Francisco, are to be hosts to the world in 1915. Yesterday it raised the very deuce.

As Chief of the Department of State, Secretary Knox extended the official invitation of President Taft to the nations of the world to participate in the 1915 celebration. As a matter of courtesy to Secretary Knox, it was decided by those in charge of the arrangements for the latter's visit to San Francisco to invite the foreign consuls in San Francisco to meet the Secretary formally at a reception yesterday afternoon in the rooms of the California Development Board in the Ferry building.

For several days the plans for the entertainment of the Secretary have been given publicity through the newspapers, and one of the features of the program, as published, has been the reception of yesterday afternoon at which he was to be the guest of honor and the foreign consuls were to be presented. Monday afternoon the consular corps met, and it was then that the skeleton Etiquette broke from its closet and took a seat at the consular board. A member of the corps suggested that all foreign consuls should attend the reception in a body. "But have you been formally invited?" interrupted Etiquette. There was dead silence. 

Slowly the gravity of the situation dawned upon the local repreaentativea of the foreign powers. The meeting promptly went into executive session, but Etiquette stayed within. It was a solemn conclave that was held. Would It be proper to attend a reception to the Secretary of State in an official capacity without the most formal sort of a government invitation? Would it not be the safe way for the consuls to remain absent? Would it be better, possibly, to go as individuals and not as officials?

Etiquette moved to the head of the table and sat there chuckling. It was just the forerunner of many similar occasions which are bound to arise in San Francisco before the universal exposition passes into history. Etiquette was causing all sorts of trouble and paving the way for more. The meeting broke up without any definite decision.

Yesterday morning it was learned by the official hosts of Secretary Knox that Etiquette had escaped and run amuck, and there was a scurrying and a hurrying that betokened the utmost activity. All the consuls were telephoned to, and some of them promised to attend —but not ln an official capacity, mind you. The reception was held and the consuls were there—some of them. France. Russia, China. Japan and Argentina were among the nations represented, together with a dozen others, while Great Britain. German. Italy and several others did not answer to the roll call.

One explanation given was that no invitation at all had been extended other than that given through newspaper publication. Another explanation, however, was that Etiquette was entirely responsible. According to this rumor. Etiquette was peeved because a prescribed formula had not been complied with, and this formula was as follows:

First, the consul should have received an Invitation to meet Secretary Knox, whereupon a meeting of the corps should have been held, then a telegram should have been dispatched to the State Department in Washington setting forth the desire of the local foreign representatives to call upon the Secretary; the State Department should then have wired to Secretary Knox in San Francisco asking for an appointment for the consuls; Secretary Knox should have wired back to the State Department setting a time for the reception; the State Department should then have telegraphed the local consular corps of the decision, and the invitation should then have been accepted. This procedure was not followed. 

Some of the consuls said yesterday that it wasn't necessary at all. Others declared that it was overdrawn. Still another was mean enough to intimate that his confreres were putting on the airs of Ambassadors. In any event, Etiquette sat around yesterday afternoon and grinned. The skeleton in the closet. —The San Francisco Call, May 8, 1912

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and RSVPs

      

“Good breeding demands that an answer always be given to a question, unless the question be impertinent.” 

On Social Life and RSVPs

This week the question comes, “Is it necessary to send acceptance or regret to an invitation for a come and go reception?” Up to the present writing no definite answer to that particular question has been found in any books of etiquette that were accessible. However, perhaps a suggestion will be acceptable in lieu of a mere incontrovertible reply; and the suggestion is —“put yourself in her place.”


You have sent, out four hundred invitations bidding your friends come to you on a certain day or evening, you receive regrets from one hundred. Does that mean that three hundred are coming, or one-hundred-and-fifty, or in other words how many gallons of ice cream are you going to order; how much chocolate, or coffee or both shall you have made, and how many chickens, or lobsters, etc..., etc..., etc... ?


Mrs. J. Sherwood and various other authorities on the subject of social etiquette refer to the manner and style of wording acceptances or regrets to functions of one kind and another, as if the fact of answering in some way went without saying—it probably does. A matter of two minutes, a sheet of paper, envelope and postage stamp and the mailing is done. Why question it? Good breeding demands that an answer always be given to a question, unless the question be impertinent: why not then a reply to an invitation which is almost the least civility that can be paid to an invitation which is usually meant to be a courtesy?

Long before a stamped envelope and a reply card were added to wedding invitations, it was good manners to send a handwritten reply– “A matter of two minutes, a sheet of paper, envelope and postage stamp and the mailing is done. Why question it?” 

Mrs. Sherwood says: "In our new country the relations of men and women are necessarily simple. The whole business of etiquette is, of course, reduced to each one's sense of propriety, and the standard must be changed as the circumstances demand." Notwithstanding which, if you meet a friend in the street and she says: “I want you to meet some friends in my home such and such a time,'” you don't stand and stare at her, nor turn on your heel and leave her. Should not written invitations, even to a “come and go reception,” have as much attention as one given by word of mouth?
— Los Angeles Herald, 1895



Whether an answer's requested or not by the letters R.S.V.P. (repondez, sil vous plait—" answer, if you please"), it must be sent in a day or two, and written in the same formal style as the invitation, the acceptance of which may be thus expressed: "Mr. T. accepts with pleasure the polite invitation of Mrs. A. for the evening of _______ ."
A refusal should be written as follows: "Mr. T. regrets that he can not accept the polite invitation of Mrs. A. for the evening of ________."When an invitation is accepted, it must be, if possible, faithfully complied with. It is not seldom that an invited person takes an uninvited friend to a ball or evening dancing-party, but he ought not to do so without first asking permission of the giver of it. As he is not likely to be refused, he must hold himself entirely responsible for the character and conduct of his companion, who, previous to and after the party, should send a card. From “Bazar Book of Decorum” 1870

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia