Who Pours at Tea?

More etiquette for pouring at tea: If the hostess for a formal tea is pouring, she need not rise when guests come by the table to bid her farewell. She bows and perhaps offers her hand. If the hostess is not tied to the tea table with duties, but has friends pouring for her, then she should be sought out by departing guests who thank her for her hospitality.

Let Members Pour at Women's Club Tea

DEAR Mrs. Post: Our women's club is giving a large tea for approximately a hundred and fifty guests. Would you suggest that it is better at a tea of this size to let the hotel do all the serving, or do you think it more friendly to have members of the committee preside at the tea table?

Answer: At a tea for as many as fifty the details of serving are more often than not taken care of by the caterers, or by the servants in a private house. However, in your case, if sufficient members of the committee take turns at pouring, it should not be too tiring for any one of them, and there is no question that club hostesses at the tea table would create a more friendly atmosphere. In any case, all the other details of replacing used cups and saucers with fresh ones and replenishing sandwiches and cakes. and passing them will be taken care of by the hotel.– by Emily Post, 1937

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

More Etiquette from Emily Post

One of the better known writers on manners, with her first book of etiquette published in 1922, is Emily Post. Though she died in 1960, her extended family (most notably her late-granddaughter in-law, Elizabeth Post) has successfully continued on with her legacy of  nearly a century of etiquette books, news columns and social media contributions. – Above, “Emily Post” by Miguel Covarrubias for Vanity Fair, December 1933 
– Image source, Pinterest 

Dear Mrs. Post: May a young woman who is going out with a young man for the evening, wear a corsage sent to her by some one else? 

Answer: I think a man who has very little money and who had wanted to send her flowers and was not able to afford it, might feel not only embarrassed but distressed. A so-called “gilded youth,” meaning one whose purse is more man usually deep, would not be likely to notice the flowers. If he does, he'll probably say, “Oh, I'm sorry,” and remember to send her some at another time.

Dear Mrs, Post: Mr. and Mrs. Graham are both medical doctors and both practising. How shall I introduce them socially and how can I let strangers know that they are man and wife? To say Dr. Mary Graham and Dr. John Graham might give the impression to some that they are brother and sister. 

Answer: Introduce them as Dr. Graham and his wife, Dr. Mary Graham. In this particular case it is best that the wife be introduced second rather than first, because to say Dr. Mary Graham and her husband, Dr. John Graham, does not sound as well as the other way about.

Dear Mrs. Post: Would it be sliding over one's obligations to give a dessert bridge in return for the other people's lunch party invitations? I am indebted to so many people and I cannot afford to give a real lunch party but that I might have a dessert bridge instead, if that could be considered a fair return. 

Answer: It is not necessary to repay hospitality in kind, but a fraction of a lunch in return for many complete luncheons would be a less happy choice than another type of party altogether. Therefore, I would rather suggest a buffet meal, either lunch or supper, and not just the last course of a luncheon. However, if a buffet meal is too much of an undertaking, it would be entirely proper to give a bridge party and serve afternoon tea with little sandwiches and cakes. According to best form, nothing more than this should be served at a bridge party, ever.

Dear Mrs. Post: At a dinner for 200, to celebrate a silver wedding anniversary, would the guests be seated with place cards at the small tables? 

Answer; I think most people find themselves more at ease if they have a definite place to go to, but it would not be easy to seat as many as 200. In other words, It is entirely correct to seat all the tables and on the other hand all right just to seat your own table, which includes yourself and the original bridal party and any others whom you would like especially to have with you. —Emily Post, 1939

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia©️ Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Ladies’ Hats

Should the ladies pouring at a formal tea wear hats? Common sense seems to be the basis of your etiquette, and in my humble judgment hats at this time do not sound sensible.

Good Taste Today ...

Shall I Wear a Hat With Afternoon Dress in the Evening? When Pouring Afternoon Tea?

Dear Mrs. Post: We seldom wear formal clothes in our simple community, which fact I contend is no reason why the ladies here may not go to evening parties wearing afternoon dresses and no hats. Don’t you agree with me? There are several new residents who have been turning up on such occasions with hats on. 

Answer: The general rule is if you wear an afternoon dress (meaning a dress not suitable for general wear on the street), in the evening, then you should go without a hat, but if you are wearing a street dress, then you should wear a hat But whether the hats you describe are bad form or not, depends entirely upon their type. In other words, if they are an indoor type of hat, they are quite as suitable to wear with afternoon dresses as to go without. In fact, they are decidedly a fashion of the moment.

Dear Mrs. Post: Should the ladies pouring at a formal tea wear hats? Common sense seems to be the basis of your etiquette, and in my humble judgment hats at this time do not sound sensible. 

Answer: This question is best decided by the arbitrary custom of each community. In New York, for example, a deputy hostess always wears a hat unless she is a house visitor, and even in this case she is likely as not to wear one. Neither dress or hat for a deputy hostess should be too tailored. – Emily Post, 1937

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

BBQ Etiquette for Grillers and Guests

"The barbecue is not something new.  Since the time when men were hunters and gatherers, the meat of their hunt was cooked or roasted over an open fire for their families and other members of their tribes to enjoy.  The word "barbeque" is derived from the word "barbacoa," a word used by the Taino Indians in the Caribbean to describe an elevated wooden rack on which they slow-smoked fish, lizards, alligator, and other game." —Margaret Visser 

From colonial times up until today, while different countries around the world have their own version of barbecue, the United States has really taken it close to heart and made it a very "American" culinary expression.

Every region has their own "style" of barbecue; from Memphis to Mississippi to Texas to Louisiana, etc... regardless of the region, the passion of barbecue is so vast and diverse, it would be difficult to try to explain, much less understand it.  It goes from major competitions where men will have a special brand of hickory wood chips shipped in, so that the smokey flavor of their ribs will have their distinct signature, to men donned in aprons in their backyards, overseeing slabs of meat and hot dogs on a grill, while conversing with other men, while the women stand guard over the macaroni and potato salads.

Guest Etiquette for BBQ's:

Dress Code: If you are planning on being sociable and enjoying yourself, please don’t wear white.  Any other pale colors that won’t camouflage, or coordinate well with splotches of BBQ sauce, aren't a good idea either. You may have impeccable manners, but the casual environment of a BBQ simply invites stains to join you and whatever you're wearing for the ride home.

Stay in the "No Grill Zone": Unless invited in by the chef, please stay out. For some, that grill, and all that it entails, is "sacred ground." So hands off the grill and please offer no suggestions to the host about how to handle the grill.

Host or Hostess Gifts:  These are always appreciated, but keep the item in the range of a bottle of wine, serving plates or serving trays, or even something to be added to the dessert offerings.  A gourmet BBQ sauce or an expensive BBQ rub might can wrongly imply that you think you have better taste in BBQ offerings than what the host or hostess is serving.

Offer an Extra Hand: Enjoy yourself but make sure you are not adding to the stress of your host or hostess. If they need a hand, offer to assist if you are able (Bring out extra ice, help restock snacks, etc.)

Use Table Manners: You might be wondering, "How do I eat this without making a big mess?" You may not be able to do that. Accepting it early on, will give you the comfort that you'll need, in order to enjoy your meal. Use a lot of napkins, if they are provided.

Whether you eat with your hands or a fork depends on the cut of the meat. Food like sausage and brisket are fork dishes, while ribs are usually eaten "caveman-style." If your host has provided utensils and you feel you'd be more comfortable using them, even though everyone else is using their hands to eat, go ahead and use the utensils.  If, however, you host or hostess has not provided knives and forks, do not ask for them.

If you’re at a BBQ that is serving meats with a dry rub and you don’t see any sauce sitting around, don't ask for any sauce.

If you are vegan or vegetarian, keep your opinions regarding meat to yourself.  If you feel obligated to reform others, do your host and hostess a favor and do not attend a BBQ where meats are being served.

Drink Responsibly: When it’s hot, our thirst increases and before we know it, we have had 4 Margaritas in less than two hours, so watch your alcohol intake.

Show Gratitude: Be sure to thank your host and/or hostess for a great party as you leave. A handwritten, and mailed, note of thanks always shows your good manners.

The "McRib" Sandwich : The fast-food giant McDonald's started as a BBQ restaurant..."McDonald's Barbeque Restaurant" opened at 14th and E streets in San Bernardino, California in 1940. With a staff of 20 carhops, the McDonald brothers opened the joint as a conventional drive-in, serving ribs, beef and pork sandwiches. It soon became a teen hotspot, since E Street was the area's cruising capital at the time. The place was packed, but teens could be a pain. The restaurant had to contend with racing engines, peeling tires and cussing. By 1948, the McDonald brothers decided to revamp their BBQ eatery by adding speedy service to appeal more to the young family market. The "fast-food" business was born. In the 1950s, entrepreneur Ray Kroc convinced the brothers to let him franchise McDonald's, and he later bought the brothers out. The original restaurant was eventually demolished and today the site is home to the McDonald's museum. 

Some Tips If You are Hosting a BBQ:

• Theme BBQ Parties are a great way to make them memorable. Perhaps you can include games or contests to add to the fun.
• A filthy grill is a turn-off for guests. Make sure your grill is clean with fresh charcoal. Have a clean work space if you are having guests to dine. 
• Different tongs and spatulas for raw foods and cooked foods are a must, to keep your guests healthy and happy while they are there.
• Try to have appetizers ready for your guests when they arrive, especially if they have driven a long distance to get to you.
• Try to have all foods ready at about the same time. That way, things do not risk spoiling by being out for too long.
• If you possibly have vegetarians or vegans attending, offer some vegan choices like Boca-Burgers, and have lots of fruits and vegetables on hand.
• Provide lots of extra napkins and utensils.  Not everyone wants to eat their meat with their hands.  Wet wipes for your guests are a thoughtful touch, especially those with kids along!
• Provide designated drivers for those who've over imbibed.  They need to get home safely.
• One final note... Whatever you do, please don't serve BBQ at your next Afternoon Tea!

Reportedly, on Martha's Vineyard, Emily Post was accused of “losing it” when she served members of the Garden Club barbequed meats, rather than the anticipated tea sandwiches.  When town members gossiped about her social gaffe, she responded that grilled meats seemed more festive for the occasion than “old-fashioned ladies food.”

From Demita Usher of Social Graces and Savoir Faire

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia