Etiquette and E. Azalia Smith Hackley

Emma Azalia Smith Hackley was an extremely accomplished, African American woman. A teacher, newspaper editor, concert soprano, and a political activist, she promoted racial pride through her support and promotion of music education for African Americans. Her book, “The Colored Girl Beautiful,” published in 1916, was said to have been written as a a "how to" of sorts, for becoming a refined African American lady. She died in Detroit in 1922 at the age of 54. —Public domain image of Emma Azalia Smith Hackley 

The Colored Woman Beautiful

In spite of everything to be said on the subject the womanly woman is always the strongest magnet whether she is called beautiful or not.

If the colored girl has not been taught by her mother or guardian to train herself for a beautiful maturity even after she has passed girlhood, it is not too late to train herself.

Good begets good, so she will exert herself to make a wide circle of friends altho she will be careful not to grow too intimate with any. She may be a real friend without undue intimacy.

It is conceded that most women "must talk" to someone but too much intimacy means too much freedom and this often destroys friendship.

One cannot argue, quarrel, or criticize and still expect real friendship. One definition of a friend is, "One you know all about and still like." One should not try to "make her friends over" and one never says disagreeable things to her friends nor does she make unfavorable comments about their personal attire or weaknesses. She lets her friends learn all unpleasant things from others. "The links of the chain of friendship are held by a very delicate thread." The tiniest word, doubt or action may sever the links.

The colored woman beautiful will try to love that she may be loved. She believes that "man is his brother's keeper" and she has ideals and visions for the race. She has a moral obligation; she reaches out a helping hand to others. She can mix without being mixed. We can not help others unless we mix. There must be close contact-touch to lift up others.

The colored woman beautiful believes that everyone who gets up must pull up, or else she will be kept down by the weight of the racial burden. Each one's welfare is closely bound with that of the masses. The race as a whole must progress and prosper, or else no unit may prosper. The colored woman beautiful gives the best in her for race advancement. She works, thinks, and reads to be ready for the need of the tomorrow and its problems.

The colored woman beautiful will not carry "chips on her shoulder," looking for slights and insults. If she carries the thought too strongly it becomes catching and someone will take up the idea. She will set into motion lesser vibrations in the minds and bodies of others and the things she imagines will happen.

She should resist thoughts of suspicion. She must not think about the things she wishes to keep secret, for thoughts are contagious.

The colored woman beautiful does not call another woman "bad" just because she does not measure up to her ethical code. She must be so persistent in being good herself that everyone else seems to look and act good. If God loves the lowest, she can afford to do likewise. She follows the rule, "Judge not that ye be not judged." She does not make the mistake of criticising those who have not her strong will power, lest having stronger projection this unkindness may return swift and sure to her. To permit the absent to be disparaged or depreciated in her presence is almost as harmful to herself as if she had said things.

What is "good" in (another) woman? What is "bad" in (another) woman? These are two difficult questions to answer and a woman must not judge by her own standard for herself. Women are inclined to be too narrow in their viewpoint in judging other women. While one may boast of her virtue of virtues some women may have a bundle of lesser virtues of which to boast. It takes more than one virtue to make a good woman. Many women are unduly vain of their escape from the "sin of sins" and some of these may have known no temptation.

When one notes how many good friends a so-called "bad" woman may have, one wonders why it is. Those who understand the law of vibrations recognize that the woman has projected something of herself which has brought her a rich return in spite of her one weakness.

It is a terrible thing to be a bad example along any line to young girls, so every colored woman should try to conquer herself and live down any weakness or error. She should give out the best that is in her that she may be a good example to younger women. She lets the light of love and purity shine in her face and transform it, and it will reflect in the faces of others and make her own soul the happier.— From, “The Colored Girl Beautiful,” by Emma Azalia Smith Hackley, 1916

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

1920’s Capital Etiquette of Washington

When there’s love at home: “Illustrating Etiquette in the Home.”

A FEW GENERAL RULES

Nothing so plainly shows a lack of breeding as to converse while some one is entertaining the company with music or recitation. It also is proof of extreme selfishness on the part of those guilty of this breach of etiquette.

Ladies, bear in mind that "Familiarity breeds contempt."

Gentlemen should always rise from their seats when being presented to members of either sex; with ladies this is not necessary.

When playing cards or any other game, carefully avoid any public demonstration of annoyance at a run of bad luck.

Gentlemen do not give expensive presents to ladies unless a degree of unusual intimacy exists. Candy and flowers are always proper gifts.

Gentlemen will always raise their hat when a lady acknowledges some act of courtesy as a response to such acknowledgment; likewise after assisting her into a carriage or automobile.

It is unpardonable to cut a person deliberately on the street unless for some extremely good reason, and the reasons are extremely few. If a person has been so unfortunate as to have disgraced himself, the true gentleman or lady will go out of their way to speak kindly to their erring friend or acquaintance. It is very easy to show an undesirable person that you are not willing to be on any but the most formal terms with him by coldly bowing or other means.

Gentlemen should never offer to shake hands with a lady, particularly if the acquaintance is slight; this is the lady's prerogative, and she may use her own judgment as to when it is proper to extend her hand in greeting. Except in exceptional cases, the lady should not offer to shake hands on the street.

Avoid talking about your personal affairs and petty troubles; you will soon gain the reputation of being a bore; never, urder any circumstances, air your family grievances in public; nothing shows poorer taste.

Do not be too inquisitive; no matter how curious do not try to pry into the affairs of your friends and acquaintances. You will be spoken of as a busybody and shunned by everyone if you do.

Avoid gossip, particularly avoid speaking unkindly of any friend or acquaintance who is absent. This is one of the most common breaches of etiquette, and many things said at random, with no intention of actual harm, have wrought havoc in the lives and reputations of others.

Should a lady's shoe become unlaced, a gentleman may, with perfect propriety, offer to fasten same.

Do not whistle or hum to yourself when on the street. Avoid onions or tobacco when you contemplate making a social call on ladies.

Above all things, do not pick your teeth, clean your finger nails or scratch your head in public.

Ladies are not expected to take a gentleman's arm when promenading in the day time.

Individuals so fortunate as to be able to entertain by reciting, singing, playing or in other ways should respond gracefully when asked, unless for some really plausible reason. Only a very inexperienced person waits to be urged. Be careful not to occupy the limelight and show off for too long a period as to have your efforts become monotonous. It is far more tactful and satisfactory to stop before the company has heard quite enough than to go to the other extreme.

Gentlemen should not smoke at any time in the presence of ladies without requesting and obtaining their permission in advance. If the permission is given with apparent reluctance, the perfect gentleman will have sufficient diplomacy not to take advantage of the privilege. Under no circumstances should a gentleman smoke when walking with a lady on the street; the fact that this is done frequently does not alter the fact that it is a breach of etiquette.

Gentlemen should be careful to extend all possible little courtesies, such as picking up a glove or handkerchief, fetching a chair, assisting her in and out of street cars; nothing so endears a man to the feminine mind as the strict observance of these small but important matters.

Avoid affectation; be simple and natural. If the company in which you are spending an evening is a little lower than your own social plane, do not adopt superior airs.

Do not read personal letters or papers in company unless absolutely necessary; at such a time, request permission to do so and apologize for the necessity.

If visiting a sick friend, above all things be cheerful; do not insist upon relating how many of your friends have been likewise afflicted, and how much worse they were; avoid talks of friends who have been seized with the same malady and fatally attacked.

Do not force your opinion and insist upon being heard when your superiors are talking.

Avoid speaking of melancholy and doleful matters at the table or at social gatherings.

If a person appears in public with bruised countenance or other blemish, do not gaze at the unfortunate individual fixedly, nor inquire as to how it happened. It is generally bad enough without having to add unpleasant explanations.

In case of argument, remember there are always two sides, and do not treat your opponent with scorn and strive to give the impression that he is of unsound intellect; possibly the company are entertaining the same sentiments towards yourself. Be ever courteous to every one, no matter what his rank and station in life may be.

Never speak in a frivolous manner of sacred things.

Do not permit yourself to become annoyed or disturbed at trifles.— From Edward S. Green’s, “The National Capital Code of Etiquette,” 1920

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Why Another Book of Etiquette

Run by Charlotte Hawkins Brown, the Palmer Memorial Institute in North Carolina, by the 1920’s was an established and successful boarding school. It attracted students from around the country. Brown gained national attention for her efforts there, and lecturing frequently at colleges throughout the United States, while receiving numerous honorary degrees. Several of her former students went on to become educators themselves . In 1941 she published the etiquette book, “The Correct Thing To Do – To Say – To Wear,” while committing many of her philosophies, her life lessons and her maxims in print. All the while, Brown was active in national efforts to improve opportunities for African Americans, including the Commission on Interracial Cooperation and the National Negro Business League. She was the first African American woman named to the national board of the YWCA. She was an honorary member of Alpha Kappa Alpha sorority. Brown continued to run the Palmer Memorial Institute until she retired in 1952.– Image of Charlottes Hawkins Brown from Wikimedia

INTRODUCTION

From the book, “The Correct Thing To Do – To Say – To Wear,” by Charlotte Hawkins Brown

Dear Friend:

“Of the making of books there is no end.” Then why, should another book of etiquette be added to the scores of those already on the market? Out of the hearts of a humble people has come the desire for recognition of those vital qualities of soul which they feel and cultivate from time to time, but are thwarted in their attempt to express for lack of the knowledge of the best means of expression. I write in answer to the hundreds of questions asked me by my own students, for many of my associates who give evidence of much learning without ease in their social approach to life.

The practice of fine manners is an art, but it should always be so natural that there be nothing of affectation about it. The habit of being one’s best self daily in the little courtesies at home, to those nearest to one, so establishes the individual’s expression of fine and gracious personality that meeting a stranger at any time has, for him or her, neither fear nor dread.

This little book which I send forth out of years of experience and observation is not intended to put one on his guard in company but rather to help one to know and practice the art of kindness, the art of graciousness, the art of expressing one's best self when alone, thus developing the habit of doing the correct thing without effort or apparent notice.

Some people are born with charm, that essential, airy, indescribable something without which all else sinks into insignificance in an attempt to establish in any measure our place in human society. However feminine the word “charm” in its essence, no man feels underrated when he is said to possess a personality of great charm.

This book offers no miracles for sudden metamorphosis. It does, however, set down certain definite principles upon which charm depends and by the practice of which a more desirable and pleasing personality may be achieved.

One studies to become efficient in music, versed in literature, and accepted in art. Versatility adds to one's ability to entertain, makes one more sought after and gives greater satisfaction to one's self in the larger activities that go to make up happy wholesome living. It adds greatly to one's admirers. So it is with the natural and unaffected practice of the social graces, little courtesies which combine thoughtfulness of others and forgetfulness of self into a unified and unconscious effort we create an atmosphere of happiness and contentment in pursuit of those things which keep life always on a high level.

I, therefore, offer my gratitude to the many friends of my childhood in the New England area who, in schools and homes teeming with cultural atmosphere, gave me an opportunity to observe the fine art of living.

To my mother first who taught me as a child in her own way, to be kind, polite and generous under all conditions and circumstances; to my teachers in the English High School at Cambridge, Massachusetts, who met the established attitude with greater interest in developing it to a higher level; to the inspiring and helpful friendship of Mrs. Osborn W. Bright, Mrs. Charles M. Connfelt, and Mrs. Charles S. Guthrie, all of New York City, who for more than twenty-five years gave themselves so untiringly in fellowship and understanding in the shaping of the ideals and policies of the cultural life of this institution; to the warm sympathetic interest of that first friend in this vicinity, who expressed belief in the possibility of achieving nobler ends for a minority group, Mrs. Charles D. McIver, of Greensboro, North Carolina; to Mrs. Galen L. Stone, of Brookline, Massachusetts, for her personal friendship through the years and her appreciation of my every endeavor to set up high standards without regard to race or creed evidenced in the large financial support given me; to the members of the faculty of the Palmer Memorial Institute, present and past, who have assisted in such research as was necessary to answer the many questions so persistently asked by our students.

Finally, but not less gratefully, I acknowledge the painstaking effort at research into the records of the teachings of the Palmer Memorial Institute, its established code of ethics, the various assembly and chapel talks, the quiet hours of discussion, the social program and the subsequent compilation and arrangement of this material by my assistant and collaborator, Miss Cecie R. Jenkins, without whose devoted service and continuing enthusiasm this effort might not have been achieved.

                                Sincerely yours, 

                                            CHARLOTTE HAWKINS BROWN.

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia