1930’s Mourning Etiquette

By the 1930’s, after the enormous loss of lives in WWI and the worldwide Influenza Epidemic of 1918 and 1919,  many rules of mourning had fallen by the wayside. One of these was black trimmed mourning stationary, which was seen less and less frequently. As people persevered and life went on, especially in large, growing cities, the previously watched social regulations for those in mourning, became enforced less often. – Above, a 1913 letter signifying a death is mailed, using black trimmed mourning stationary.

 

Question: What is the etiquette in regard to mourning apparel?

Answer: Regulations for mourning are no longer as strict as those prevailing several generations ago since many today do not believe in going into mourning at all. Some prefer it as a protection against thoughtless remarks.

People do not put on black for aunts, uncles or cousins unless there is a deep tie of affection. Today many omit the long mourning veils and crepe.

Lustreless silks and plain, quiet garments constitute mourning. Children, if wearing mourning at all, are usually dressed all in white. A man’s mourning apparel usually consists of a black band on the hat or left sleeve. – Imperial Valley Press, 13 May, 1931

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Undertaking Etiquette: What is Done

A black-bordered envelope is what is most properly used for correspondence by those in mourning — All kindred and intimate friends should be notified of the death either by telegraph or letter without delay, while a notice of the funeral should be inserted conspicuously in the local papers. 

Usually after a death in a family all friends and acquaintances make a call of condolence during the first month. Very intimate friends call at the house as soon as they hear of the death, before the funeral. Others, a degree less intimate, make a point to call immediately after the funeral. 

All kindred and intimate friends should be notified of the death either by telegraph or letter without delay, while a notice of the funeral should be inserted conspicuously in the local papers. Letters of condolence need not at once be answered, and they are sufficiently acknowledged by a visiting card with the words “Thanks for sympathy” written thereon.

The undertaker and his assistants prepare a body for burial, unless some member of the family knows how to do this and assumes the duty. Trained nurses are taught how to perform this last sad office, and they are able to relieve the immediate mourners of the heart-breaking work of bathing an inanimate form, arranging the hair, and putting on the last garments that shall ever be worn.— From “Good Manners for All Occasions,” 1890

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

More Mourning Etiquette

“To go to the opera, or a dinner, or a party, before six months have elapsed, is considered heartless and disrespectful. If one chooses, as some do, to wear no mourning, then he can go, unchallenged, to any place of amusement, but if he put on mourning he must respect its etiquette.”– Scarlett O'Hara seemed to be in mourning through a third of the film, "Gone with the Wind," yet she still sought amusement at social gatherings.

The duration of a mourner’s retirement from the world has been much shortened of late. For one year no formal visiting is undertaken, nor any gayety. Black is often worn for a husband or wife two years, for parents one year, and for brothers and sisters one year; a heavy black is lightened after that period. Ladies are beginning to wear a small black gauze veil over the face, and are in the habit of throwing the heavy crape veil back over the hat. It is also proper to wear a quiet black dress when going to a funeral, although not absolutely necessary. Friends may call on the bereaved family within a month, not expecting, of course to see them. Kind notes expressing sympathy are welcome from intimate friends; and flowers, or any similar testimonial of sympathy, are thoughtful and appropriate.

Cards and note-paper are put in mourning, but very broad borders of black are in bad taste. A narrow border of black is correct. The use of handkerchiefs with a two-inch square of white cambric and a four-inch border of black is to be deprecated.

Mourning which soldiers, sailors, and courtiers wear is pathetic and effective. A flag draped with crape, a gray cadet-sleeve with a black band, or a piece of crape about the left arm of a senator, a black weed on a hat, are in proper taste.      

Advertisement for mourning attire from a Victorian publication

Before a funeral the ladies of a family see no one but the most intimate friends. The gentlemen, of course, see the clergyman and officials who manage the ceremony. It is now the almost universal practice to carry the remains to a church, where the friends of the family can pay the last tribute of respect without crowding into a private house. Pall-bearers are invited by note, and assemble at the house. They, accompanying the remains, after the ceremonies at the church, to their final resting-place. The nearest lady friends seldom go to the church or to the grave. This is, however, entirely a matter of feeling, and they can go if they wish. After the funeral only the members of the family return to the house. It is not expected that a bereaved wife or mother will see any one other than the members of her family for several weeks.

All the preparations for a funeral in the house are committed to the care of an undertaker, who removes the furniture from the drawing-room, filling all the space possible with camp-stools. The clergyman reads the service at the head of the coffin, the relatives being grouped around. The body, if not disfigured by disease, is often dressed in the clothes worn in life, and laid in an open casket, as if reposing on a sofa, and all friends are asked to take a last look. The body of a man is usually dressed in black.

The custom of decorating the coffin with flowers is beautiful, but has been overdone, and now the request is frequently made that no flowers be sent.

No one in mourning for a parent, child, brother, or husband, is expected to be seen at a concert, a dinner, a party, or at any other place of public amusement, before three months have passed. After that one may be seen at a concert. But to go to the opera, or a dinner, or a party, before six months have elapsed, is considered heartless and disrespectful. If one choose, as some do, to wear no mourning, then he can go, unchallenged, to any place of amusement, but if he put on mourning he must respect its etiquette. –From How to Behave and How to Amuse, by G. H. Sandison, 1895

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Victorian Manners and Mourning Etiquette

Circa 1875 portrait of a young, "Master Hackett." He is wearing a black armband – a signal that he was mourning the recent death of a close relative. An important aspect of Victorian etiquette was to wear black clothes, black armbands or "mourning jewelry" for a defined period. This was a sign of respect for the deceased and a way of conveying the news of a bereavement to others.

MOURNING

Those in mourning for parent, child, brother, or husband should not be seen at any public function or private entertainment before six months have passed.

CARDS

These are the same size as visiting-cards. A black border is used, the width to be regulated by the relationship to the deceased relative. They should be sent to indicate temporary retirement from and re-entrance into society.

Within a month after death in a family friends should leave cards. The persons receiving the same should acknowledge the remembrance and sympathy when they are ready to resume their social functions. This may be done by letter or card.

MEN

Mourning cards are the same size as visiting-cards, and a black border is used, the width to be regulated by the relationship of deceased relative.

Victorian mourning brooch.

WOMEN

Mourning cards should be sent, to indicate temporary retirement from society. Later cards should be sent, to indicate return to society.

CHILDREN

Children under twelve need not be dressed in mourning, though they often are. Only the lightest material should be used. Girls of more advanced age do not wear veils, but crape may be worn in hat or dress, according to taste. For parent, brother, or sister, mourning is worn for about one year. 

MEN

Men wear mourning one year for loss of wife. A crape band should be worn around the hat, its width being determined by the nearness of the relative mourned for. It is usually removed after eight months. A widower wears mourning for one year, or, if he wishes, eighteen months, and for a brother, sister, parent, or a child, from six months to a year, as he desires. For the loss of other relatives, duration of mourning is generally regulated by the members of the family.

The wearing of a black band on the coat sleeve in token of half-mourning is an English custom, and is somewhat practised in this country.

STATIONERY-MEN

A widower uses a black border about one-third of an inch on his stationery, and this at intervals is diminished. All stamping should be done in black.

WOMEN

A widow's stationery should be heavily bordered, and is continued as long as she is in deep mourning. This is gradually decreased, in accordance with her change of mourning. All embossing or stamping should be done in black.

WEDDINGS

Mourning should never be worn at a wedding, but it should be laid aside temporarily, the wearer appearing in purple.

“Carson says, ‘The universality of human desire for symbolic signs of private emotions is ever standing. The emotion of grief at the loss of relatives and friends by death has found in dress fertile fields for expressing the desire. Black, death’s particular emblem, has been used for this purpose certainly since the early part of the 14th century. Chaucer and Shakespeare give occasional allusions to it to use, particularly in the case of the widow.’ He tells us also of a curious custom of giving away black gloves to be worn ‘in memoriam.’ In 1736 at the funeral of Gov. Belcher of Boston more than 1000 pairs of mouning gloves were distributed. At the funeral of Andrew Faneuil 3000 pairs were given away.” From Lillian Eichler’s “The Customs of Mankind”

WIDOWS

A widow should wear crape with a bonnet having a small border of white. The veil should be long, and worn over the face for three months, after which a shorter veil may be worn for a year, and then the face may be exposed. After six months white and lilac may be used, and colors resumed after two years.

WOMEN

The mourning dress of a woman for parent, sister, brother, or child is the same as that worn by a widow, save the white bonnet ruche--the unmistakable mark of a widow.

For parents and children, deepest mourning is worn at least one year, and then the change is gradually made by the addition of lighter material or half-mourning.

For other members of the family--as, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, etc.--black clothes should be worn, but not heavy mourning.

Complimentary mourning is worn for three months; this does not necessitate crape and veil, but any black material can be used.

WOMEN, FOR CHILDREN

For a child, mourning is usually worn for six months, thereafter substituting black and white.

FOR BROTHER AND SISTER, ETC…

Mourning for a brother or sister, step-parents, or grandparents is the same as for parents, but the time is shorter, generally about six months. For an aunt, uncle, or cousin the time is three months.

The city of Toronto's proclamation for a day of mourning befitting Queen Victoria

FOR FIANCE

In the event of the death of a woman's betrothed shortly before the date of the wedding, she may wear black for a short period or full mourning for a year.

FOR HUSBANDS

Mourning cards are sent out, to indicate that they are not making or receiving calls.

Mourning is generally worn for two years, and sometimes much longer. Woolen material of the deepest black and crape should be worn during the first year. When out-of-doors a crape veil should be worn for a year, or at least three months, covering the face, or, if preferred, the veil may be thrown over the shoulder, and a small one of tulle, or other suitable material, edged with crape, worn over the face.

A crape bonnet should be worn, and a very small white ruche may be added if desired. After the first year a gradual change to lighter mourning may be made by discarding the widow's cap and shortening the veil. Dull silks are used in place of crape, according to taste. In warm weather lighter materials can be worn--as, pique, nun's veiling, or white lawn.

Black furs and sealskin may be worn. Precious stones, such as diamonds and pearls, may be used if mounted in black enamel. Gold jewelry should not be used. A woman should avoid all pretensions to excessive styles.

FOR HUSBAND'S RELATIVES

A married woman wears mourning for her husband's immediate relatives.

FOR PARENTS AND GRANDCHILDREN

Mourning for these persons is generally worn for one year. During the first six months, black material trimmed with crape is used, and also a deep veil, which is thrown over the back of the head and not worn over the face, as for a husband. After this period the mourning may be lightened, according to taste.

From W.C. Green, “The Book of Etiquette”

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia