Gilded Age Etiquette of the Napkin

A silver plated napkin ring, festooned with cherries and commemorative monograms of dates and initials. — “Napkin rings should be abandoned, or relegated to the nursery tea table.”

• A napkin should never be put on the table a second time until it has been rewashed, therefore napkin rings should be abandoned, or relegated to the nursery tea table. 
• At a fashionable meal, the guest does not fold his napkin. 
• At a social tea or breakfast, he may do so if the hostess set the example, but there is no absolute law governing that branch of the subject. 
• Never fasten your napkin around your neck; lay it across your knee, convenient to the hand and lift one corner only to wipe the mouth. 
• Men who wear a mustache are allowed to “saw” the mouth with the napkin, as if it were a bearing rein, but for ladies would look too masculine. 
• Nothing is more unpleasant than a damp napkin. 
• Never allow a napkin to be placed on your table until it has been well aired. - From Mrs. John Sherwood’s, “Manners and Usages,” 1887

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Napkin Folding Etiquette

“If the monogram was placed in the corner, she turned in three corners of the square to give a shield shape. Sometimes she folded in two corners, which gave a six sided figure.”

Fashions in Folding

Followed by “Nancy Page”

When Nancy came to arrange her new linen closets, she decided that she might as well settle upon some definite rules for folding her freshly laundered linen. Then having settled that it would be easy to keep the shelves looking neat and tidy. She had small napkins of tea size, napkins used for breakfast and luncheon and the larger dinner napkins. 

In addition, there were the tiny fruit or cocktail napkins, but these small bits of linen needed no folding. She instructed her laundress to fold the tea napkins in triangular folds. The breakfast napkins were folded into squares and then diagonally across. The dinner napkins were folded into thirds, length-wise and then thirds, cross-wise. Sometimes she placed them folded this fashion on the dinner plates. Sometimes she gave them a narrow long appearance by turning in the two sides of the large square. 

If the monogram was placed in the corner, she turned in three corners of the square to give a shield shape. Sometimes she folded in two corners, which gave a six sided figure. All of these last folds were done loosely at time of setting the table. She instructed the laundress to fold towels so that they could be hung on racks with no refolding, and sheets were to be folded into thirds. length-wise and then in as many cross folds as necessary. This always brought the monogram on sheets in center top. – “Nancy Page” is by Florence La Ganke, 1929 

Etiquette Enthusiast,Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

French Etiquette Peculiarities

Beautifully monogrammed, French Damask linen napkin – It is more universal, perhaps, than elsewhere, in families, hotels, restaurants and all places where meals are served, to furnish any person with a serviette at table. If it is a place one is in the habit of frequenting, he is expected to fold his serviette, and mark it in some way to be retained for him till he comes again, as this saves washing and such.

French Habits and Peculiar Customs?

We have no idea that our customs and habits are peculiar or different from those of anybody else till we see them described by someone to whom they are familiar. Indeed, it is more universal, perhaps, than elsewhere, in families, hotels, restaurants and all places where meals are served, to furnish any person with a serviette at table. If it is a place one is in the habit of frequenting, he is expected to fold his serviette, and mark it in some way to be retained for him till he comes again, as this saves washing and such. But if one is invited to dine once, or only occasionally, it is almost an insult to fold his serviette on leaving the table, as this is as much as to say he expects to be invited again soon.

A gentleman who did not know this custom, dined and returned home without suspecting that he had failed in any point of etiquette. The next day a servant came to tell him that dinner was waiting. “Dinner,” he exclaimed in surprise, “but I did not know that anyone expected me to dinner; I have received no invitation.” “Why, you folded your napkin yesterday.” This information only increased his amazement, as he had no idea what the act had signified. In some parts of the country it would not have been a hint that he expected to come again the next day, but only that he hoped to come soon. I was saved from such a mortification by hearing a family exclaim one day after some guests had departed: “What vulgar people; did you not see they folded their napkins.” I had not remarked it, of course, as I did not know that it was a matter of any consequence, and should certainly have done the same myself the next day, where it would have been almost a disgrace, had I not been thus put upon my guard.

On speaking of it to a lady who had been in America, she said it was a custom similar to ours of putting the teaspoon in the saucer, if one wished another cup of tea, and leaving it in the cup to call signify the contrary. Not knowing this she had been served with two or three cups of tea more than she wished the first time she had been invited among strangers to partake of this beverage, yet it never occurred to us before that it was anything peculiar. – Daily Alta, 1863

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Absurd Napkin Etiquette

A 1902 cookbook, extending its branches of information in many directions, was responsible for the following ridiculous etiquette advice; “Always pin your napkin to your dress when at dinner, that it may not fall under the table. It may be pinned so that the pin cannot be seen.” Even this young girl knew better. 

Nothing is so humorous as the writings upon etiquette, by people to whom such knowledge is a “sealed book.” A cookbook, which extends its branches of information in many directions, is responsible for the following etiquette advice; “Always pin your napkin to your dress when at dinner, that it may not fall under the table. It may be pinned so that the pin cannot be seen.” Imagine a dinner table full of men and women returning to the drawing room, each wearing a serviette apron which he or she has forgotten to unpin! —New York Times, 1902

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Napkin or Serviette Etiquette

An origami, flower-folded napkin, rests in the plate for the first course of an informal, luncheon table. More formal or simple, napkin folds are recommended for more formal settings.

Modern Day Napkin Etiquette

Paper napkins can be very decorative, but they can also can be flimsy. If you choose to use, or must use paper napkins, it is okay to use more than one. 

Paper napkins are generally recommended only for the most casual of dining, or for large parties when crudités and other types of small finger foods are being served.

In a pinch, a paper towel can be used as a napkin for a small child. 

Tablecloths are no longer napkins. They were at one time in history, but that was very long ago.

Your wrists and the backs of your hands are not napkins.

Napkins are never a part of your clothing, so never use your shirt sleeve or shirt tail to wipe your mouth. 

Napkin rings are placed to the left of your fork(s), after you have first removed your napkin from a ring. 

Place your napkin in your lap when you first are seated at the table. It should be folded in half and lays across your lap with its fold closest to you and the open ends pointing away from you.

Once you are old enough, and/or able to eat on your own, napkins should never be dipped in a water glass to then wipe your face.

A napkin stays on your lap the entire time you are seated to eat.  If you have to leave the table for a moment and others are still eating, your napkin goes on your seat until your return. 

Napkins do not go back on to the table until everyone at the table is finished eating. Placing, or crumpling and tossing, your napkin upon the table while others are still enjoying their meals, is tantamount to throwing down the gauntlet and challenging the others in your party to finish their meals as rapidly as you.

Paper napkins can be crumpled and put on your plate when you are done, if the plate will be thrown away, as well.  Cloth napkins go beside your plate, to the left.  

Unless you are a member of a family with whom you are dining, do not put your napkin back into a napkin ring after dining, unless you have been advised to do so by your host or hostess. Napkins to be reused by the same family members over the course of several meals, are usually identified by the monogram or design on each family member's ring.

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia