Oyster Forks and Oyster Spoons

Malindy may have been very familiar with oyster forks, but clearly she hadn’t heard of the ‘oyster spoons’ used in France. — Above is a pretty Limoges porcelain, floral oyster plate along with an Art Deco-style pattern, Cirta Strie, Christofle oyster spoon. Oyster spoons are rare in the United States. The spoons all feature a notched bowl. Some spoons are notched on the left side of the spoon bowl. Others are notched at the tip of the spoon bowl. The notch is helpful for easily and gracefully dislodging the bivalve mollusk from its shell. A notch at the top tip of the bowl is especially helpful when one’s guest is left- handed.

Eating Oysters

Long, long ago, in the pre-world-war era there was a brisk and efficient old lady who had a tobacco farm in Kentucky and a residence on top of a high hill on the same. In her bailiwick she ran things with a high hand, but her hospitality was famous and much sought. In the early years of our marriage my husband and I were often guests there. We’ll call her ‘Malindy.’ It wasn’t her name but it should have been. 

Malindy liked people, but she also liked her linen and her furniture and, especially, she liked good table manners. On a certain Thanksgiving day she served raw oysters to be followed by oyster soup, with trimmings. At that time and place, oysters in any form were hard to secure and the guests were delighted to have them. But, woe betide, one guest was not posted on the etiquette of oyster eating. He began on the raw ones with his soup spoon, but it was not a great success and presently he was chasing oysters round his plate with the spoon and getting nowhere.

I was sitting where I could see Malindy’s face and I was conscious that something was brewing. She fixed the offender with her great piercing eyes, her lips a straight red line in her gray old face and presently she asked: “Mr. Watson, didn’t the maid give you a fork?” With the question, a vast silver fork was catapulted across the table to the side of the embarrassed Watson who stammered: “W-h-a-a—oh yes. Of course. It’s here.” “Then use it, man. use it. Raw oysters were never meant to be eaten with a spoon.” 

We looked at the guest; we looked at the hostess and then everybody, including Watson, burst into friendly laughter. But I’ll bet a ginger cake against anything you like, that Watson never again ate raw oysters with a spoon. And I’m sure he didn’t mind very much. The element of humor saved the day. — From “The Log of Life,” by Estelle Lawton Lindsey, 1942

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Parents’ Manners and Character

“… no hired governess, no relative, no servant, can or does have the interest in training a child or the understanding of the task that a mother has” and may Etiquipedia add, “or that a father has?” as families and the sexes have changed quite a bit since this article was first written!
– Image source, Etiquipedia private library

Marital Error Brings Problem Into Home Life

WHEN YOU HAVE given your children the wrong kind of father the least atonement you can make is to, yourself, train them, even at a sacrifice of things you feel you had rather do. Those of you who read “Careers Limited” do. 

Those of you who read “Careers Limited” in Scribner's magazine must realize that no hired governess, no relative, no servant, can or does have the interest in training a child or the understanding of the task that a mother has.

Especially is this true if children have been given a bad heredity or have lived their tender years with the example or have lived their tender years with the example of an irresponsible or disloyal father before them.

It is important that their mother be at home to watch their development and see that their emotional reactions are curbed and wisely directed, their manners are what the manners of well bred people should be, that they learn habits of punctuality, application to the task in hand, that they are taught pride in truth and in meeting responsibility.

Character does not just happen. It is built in by education, example and environment. A child whose father has run off or shirked the duty he assumed when he became a father, has set a very bad emotional pattern before his children. He has left much for the mother to undo, if the misery caused by the father is not be to repeated in the homes of the sons.

That being so, the best service you can by any possibility give them is your personal association and guidance during their formative years Don’t welch. You made a foolish mistake when you married. Don't make a worse one now.– From “The Log Of Life” San Pedro Pilot, 1938

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Valued in Hotel Work

From the 1962 book, “The ABC’s of Courtesy for Hotels and Restaurants,” by Janet Lefler

Q– I am a middle-aged woman and find it difficult to get work because of the demand for young girls. I do not want to work in somebody’s kitchen, but would prefer the work of hotel hostess. –Signed, Bonnie

A– The work of hotel hostess requires a special training and a background which would fit her for such duties. There is really no course of training that would fit the average woman for this work.

She must make a good appearance and be familiar with the rules of etiquette incumbent upon one holding such a position. You will find books in the library on the subject which would give you some idea of this work. – By Estelle Lawton Lindsay, 1936

 

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Dining Without Hands

Ten years later and one would have thought that Estelle Lawton Lindsay had been dining with the exceptional war veteran-turned-actor, Harold Russell, the Oscar winner from the unforgettable film, “The Best Years of Our Lives.” Canadian-born Russell had enlisted after the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor in 1941. He lost both of his hands in that war. He gave such a memorable, poignant and yet uplifting performance in the WWII film, that he was rewarded with both a Best Supporting Actor statuette and second, special Oscar for “bringing hope and courage to his fellow veterans.” His acting in the film brought it two of the overall nine Academy Awards it received. – Public domain image

The following article was posted first back in 2021 on Etiquipedia, but we felt it was worth a Second Debut, so we are reprinting the post with a different photo:

“Two metal hooks where his hands should be was the distinctive feature of the man who sat opposite me at dinner last night. He was a strong, husky chap between 25 and 30, well groomed, but coatless and he walked into the French restaurant, was shown to a table, pulled his chair out and sat down without a motion that would single him out from the rest of the diners. Fortunately he sat opposite me, offering me opportunity not to stare at a man who fed himself with two iron hooks, but to look with admiration on a person, who has successfully made one of life's most difficult adjustments.

“Of course, I didn't and don't now know his story. I didn't have to have him tell me that to know that there was a day, either in his boyhood or young manhood, when he awoke to the realization that his hands were gone. In a case like that one can entirely set aside any attendant physical suffering, and dwell upon the mental and nervous shock and the necessary adjustment that only the individual himself can make.

“Life is going to go right on for a person in a fix of that kind, and he himself must decide if he is going to go right along with it.

DECISION COMES FIRST

“This decision must come first... And after the decision is made there is the nerve-racking process of developing a new way of living that will approximate the normal course of things.

“There were no awkward moves as this fellow-diner of mine deftly adjusted the hook on his right arm with the one on the left. He picked up his napkin, unfolded it and placed it on his lap.

“When the soup was served he picked up a spoon and ate without spilling a drop. He broke French bread, which he seemed to enjoy, and now and then wiped his lips with his napkin and sipped water from the glass at his place.

DEFIANT LOOK IN EYE

“He served himself salad and ate it, also the crisp potatoes and peas, and he was just as American in eating fried chicken with his “fingers” as you and I. But he didn't stare at anyone else for everyone was staring at him. However, he wasn't embarrassed, in fact I caught a defiant look in his eye and sensed an attitude of the satisfied victor.

“I wanted to shake his right hook, but I don't believe he would want commendation any more than sympathy. A person who makes a difficult life adjustment as successfully as he has, doesn't need either.” – By Estelle Lawton Lindsay for “Log of the Good Ship Life” in the San Pedro Pilot, 1936

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Dining Etiquette with Physical Challenges

 

(Above) A pie, pickle or even a “Nelson fork” — Some fork designs were sold for different purposes in different regions of the U.S. and in Europe. Other utensils were modified a bit to suit new foods, as foods that were considered delicacies, fell into and out of, fashion. A “Nelson fork” was a fork adapted for eating with one hand, after British Vice Admiral Horatio Nelson lost his arm while fighting Napoleon at Tenerife.

Two metal hooks where his hands should be was the distinctive feature of the man who sat opposite me at dinner last night. He was a strong, husky chap between 25 and 30, well groomed, but coatless and he walked into the French restaurant, was shown to a table, pulled his chair out and sat down without a motion that would single him out from the rest of the diners. Fortunately he sat apposite me, offering me opportunity not to stare at a man who fed himself with two iron hooks, but to look with admiration on a person, who has successfully made one of life’s most difficult adjustments. 

Of course, I didn’t and don’t now know his story. I didn’t have to him tell me that to know that there was a day, either in his boyhood or young manhood, when he awoke to the realization that his hands were gone, in a case like that one can entirely set aside any attendant physical suffering, and dwell upon the mental and nervous shock and the necessary adjustment that only the Individual himself can make. Life is going to go right on for a person in a fix of that kind, and he himself must decide it he is going to go right along with it.

 DECISION COMES FIRST 

This decision must come first. And after the decision is made there is the nerve-racking process of developing a new way of living that will approximate the normal course of things. There were no awkward moves as this fellow-diner of mine deftly adjusted the hook on his right arm with the one on the left. He picked up his napkin, unfolded it and placed it on his lap. When the soup was served he picked up a spoon and ate without spilling a drop. He broke French bread, which he seemed to enjoy, and now and then wiped his lips with his napkin and sipped water from the glass at his place. 

DEFIANT LOOK IN EYE 

He served himself salad and ate it, also the crisp potatoes and peas, and he was just as American in eating fried chicken with his “fingers” as you and I. But he didn’t stare at anyone else for everyone was staring at him. However, he wasn't embarrassed, in fact, I caught a defiant look in his eye and sensed an attitude of the satisfied victor. I wanted to shake his right hook, but I don’t believe he would want commendation any more than sympathy. A person who makes a difficult life adjustment as successfully as he has, doesn’t need either. – Estelle Lawton Lindsey, 1936

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Beginnings of Endings

In May of 1938, Bette Davis starred in the newly released “Jezebel,” for which she later won the Academy Award for Best Actress in a Leading Role. By December of 1938 however, The New York Times reported on the dissolution of Bette Davis’ marriage with Harmon “Oscar” Nelson. The stated reason for divorce? The actress read too much. The news report went on to say her husband “usually just sat there while his wife read to an unnecessary degree.”

 Rules Made to Cover Divorce Decree

When the masses simply can’t understand a thing, it seems rather a pity to continue it in force. The interlocutory divorce decree, for example. It was placed on the statute books with the best possible intentions; but it seems virtually impossible to get it over to people that an interlocutory decree, the paper which so many call “my first papers,” is not a divorce at all. Because of this “blind spot” in the average understanding, we come across all kinds of complications and heartaches. The questions below show what we mean: 

“I am writing you about the ‘etiquette’ following an interlocutory decree. What is the change, if any, in the way I will be using my name. What about my wedding ring? Do I continue to wear! it?” Yes, my dear, you “continue to wear it” for you are still married and that will be your status until your final decree is signed by the judge AND, this is most important, until the decree is entered on the court records. 

Your cards, of course, are engraved as they always have been. Even following the final decree, you may if you so desire, continue to have your visiting cards engraved with your husband’s full name. If, however, he has divorced you, the matter is different. You must engrave your cards so: If, say, you were Mable Long and married John Dolittle, your new cards will be engraved Mrs. Long-Dolittle. 

As to the wedding ring: If you detest a man enough to divorce him, you will probably not wish to continue to wear his ring. But until I got the final, decree, were I in your shoes, I’d wear that ring. Personally, believing that honest ways are best, I’d wear the ring even if I were divorced. It removes from you the stigma of trying to hide your marital status. It will be time enough to remove it once you have arranged to marry another man. – By Estelle Lawton Lindsey, 1938

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Cultivating Popularly

As an Agony Aunt, Estelle Lawton Lindsey’s name is known by few. Dale Carnegie’s name, however, is recognized around the world. One of Carnegie’s core beliefs was that a person could change the behavior of others, by changing one’s behavior toward them. The author lecturer, and developer of famous courses in self-improvement, salesmanship, corporate training, public speaking, and interpersonal skills. Was himself born into poverty. He became a household name with the popular book, “How to Win Friends and Influence People” in 1936. It’s remains a popular, bestseller today. His legacy lives on in the numerous “Dale Carnegie Training Courses” which have been held worldwide, since his death in 1955. -Photo source, Wikipedia 

Carnegie Book Gives Advice in Platitudes 

Lest you set down these few remarks as the products of envy, let me say right here that Dale Carnegie is a wise and provident member of the literary set, his satisfied smile announces the success of his “big idea” and his sales accent the willingness of Mr. and Mrs. Average American Citizen to accept all kinds of nostrums, like the “Ham and Eggs” initiative measure without testing the statements of the proponents. 

I’ve just been reading over his formula for the cultivation of popularity and as I read, I thought of the millions of women who are buying this season’s hats because they are popular, the hats I mean. Some of Dale’s rules are right. They have for years been accepted as part and parcel of the code practiced by the well bred. For example, “be depended upon to do what you say you will.” My generation knew it as “ladies and gentlemen keep their words.” 

“Keep clothing neat and tidy,” as commonplace in any decent circle, an accepted part of any business office code. Clean nails are more greatly to be desired than a knowledge of ancient history. “Do not reprimand people who displease you.” “Do not be bold or nervy.” “Do not lose your temper.” In short refrain from behaving as a bore. “Do not be lazy.” Did the gentleman ever meet lazy people who attracted people as honey attracts bees? If not, where did he make his observations? 

And this, oh my! “Smile pleasantly at all times.” That formula belongs in a book on etiquette for Cheshire cats. A smile ought to mean something but when the human face freezes into a meaningless grin there are people so constituted, that they take up their hats and flee. Are you one of them? – By Estelle Lawton Lindsey, 1936

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Gifts from Fiancés

A young woman can’t properly accept either a radio or a piano from a fiancé, because both are classed as house furnishings. Ornaments she may accept, but if they are very valuable, they must be returned if the engagement is broken. When in doubt, think of house furnishings and apparel and if the proffered gift can be classed as either, people of taste and dignity do not accept. 

When in doubt, consult the etiquette books. Every library has two or three. If you have no time to run into the library, you can get the advice from the Etiquette reference department by phone. And nobody should be ashamed to inquire, when in doubt as to what is socially acceptable. 

This morning a sweet and charming girl, Adrian, came to the desk and asked about the propriety of accepting from a young man admirer, the material for a much needed coat. Of course, it isn’t done even when, as in this case, the new coat might help her get a better job. The trouble is that men buy clothes for their wives, never for their girl friends. Any girl who accepts wearing apparel from a man admirer, puts herself in a position to have her morals questioned even if the question is indicated by mere lifting of the eyebrows. Even an engaged girl does not accept from her fiancé anything that can by any interpretation, be classed as wearing apparel. She or her parents buy her own clothes, supply her transportation and furnish anything she may need for her room. 

She should never accept railroad tickets or under any circumstances an automobile, granting, of course, that her intended is rich enough to supply such a luxury. But she can, of course, drive his car, if he offers her the use of it. She can’t properly accept either a radio or a piano from him, because both are classed as house furnishings. Ornaments she may accept, but if they are very valuable, they must be returned if the engagement is broken. 

When in doubt, think of house furnishings and apparel and if the proffered gift can be classed as either, people of taste and dignity do not accept. There is plenty of time for a man to give a girl clothing after she is his wife. While a girl is single, the obligation of clothing her rests on herself and her family, even if she must dress very simply. I hope, Adrian, my dear, that this helps you as well as other girls who wish to keep within the bounds of good taste when accepting presents. -By Estelle Lawton Lindsey, 1940

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Wedding Dress Etiquette

“However much a man’s mother may regret her son’s choice, she has no right to humiliate his bride at her own wedding– mortify her and make her unhappy. A woman of 63, dressed up to imitate a bride of 22, is not a pleasing picture.”

“This problem has two horns. One is etiquette; the other animus. Let’s get at the facts; 

‘Is it wedding etiquette for a bridegroom’s mother to wear her own white satin wedding dress, of the vintage of 1912 to her sons wedding? When she knows her son’s bride-elect has chosen white satin for her own bridal dress? 

‘There is no use to argue. Opposition would only make her the more determined to do it her own way. However much a man’s mother may regret her son’s choice she has no right to humiliate his bride at her own wedding– mortify her and make her unhappy. A woman of 63 dressed up to imitate a bride of 22 is not a pleasing picture. She could have her wedding dress dyed a pretty shade of lavender or any other color she liked. It is a handsome piece of satin and would dye well. 

‘She is so conceited, she said with a malicious grin that people would take her for the bride. There is no hurry. But your help would be appreciated. “She’s somewhat of a stickler for etiquette.’ –signed, Disgusted

“If she is a stickler for etiquette she will have her dress not only dyed but made over on more modern lines. So will she be appropriately and more becomingly dressed. However, are you sure you are not maligning her? It has been the custom once in so often for a woman to wear her own wedding dress at some special formal occasion. She may be genuinely mistaken, wishing to do honor to the occasion. 

“Also, are you certain that you have not misinterpreted a joking remark and set down to vanity a thoughtless joke? Seriously, a woman could not expect at 63 to be mistaken for a bride in her early 20s. By getting angry you are complicating a situation that could readily be worked out on a basis of goodwill and good taste. Get some outsider to suggest to your mother-in-law-elect that wedding finery almost a quarter of a century passed, is hardly the best choice for a son’s wedding. Even if your future mother-in-law did such a thing, you should be neither mortified nor hurt. To feel so, shows a small nature.” – By Estelle Lawton Lindsey, 1935

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Treating Servants Fairly

Not all servants in the early 20th century were as well-treated or content as those characters which were depicted in television’s “Downton Abbey.” Some common courtesy and thoughtfulness of treatment by the employers would have gone a long way in the lives of those who lived in servitude.

Thoughtlessness on Part of Some Employers

There is a thoughtless group of people who ignore servants as though they might be articles of furniture instead of live things, who can feel and see and suffer mental, as well as physical, pain. This is a social class who suffer thoughtlessly inflicted pain and humiliation, with the general attitude of those who inflict it being that their feelings don’t count —if they have any. 

“I am writing of the servant class, the Bridgets and the Mary Anns. You notice I write the Ann without a final “e" the little finish which sets a gulf between the socially important and their less fortunate sisters. The particular Bridget who wrote what follows is an educated foreign woman whose education is plainly evident in her handwriting and her thinking. How would you like to be such a woman and earn your living working for some of the people whom she describes? 

‘For my class it’s take it on the chin, grin or beat it and no job. To be sure I’m British. I served in one home eight years which seems to prove that I was treated humanely. I remember the lovely room I had and often compared it with the Bridget’s quarters given me, to a long succession of dumps I’ve occupied here. I thought of it recently as I retired in my servant’s room better described as a pig sty.’ 

Walls of Room Dirty...

‘It was small, dark and had dirty walls which could be cleaned up for the cost of about $4. But when approached on the subject my mistress said ‘no.’ She considered herself a socialite but some of her neighbors called her ‘alley cat.’ And I guess she earned that. 

One former employer still owes me for two years back wages. I took it to the small claims court but find all you get there is a judgment. The court makes no effort to enforce its findings. So it’s up to me to do my own collecting. 

At another place of squatting I found the parents two drunks. The trimmings were all attached, and there was street fighting with the officers at 3 a. m. ‘Papa’ met me in the hall as he was coming in and he was wearing his real birthday suit so I packed and moved. Many maids I know have wonderful references but stay in a place only a little while.’ 

Considers Folks Funny...

‘Do you blame them? I am middle-aged and homeless but an experienced needle-woman—and so, although I hate it—l’m on relief.  And my former employers are among those who complain against the luxury I am supposed to enjoy. I should, have been content with a Bridget’s lot.  Ain’t’ folks funny?’

 Funny? No. It’s more like “thoughtless and careless.” – From an article by Estelle Lawton Lindsey, 1936

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette: Formulas for Every Situation

There are many books of etiquette in the book stores, most of them reliable. Simple understandable rules are there for study. A formula for every emergency that may arise. Advice about how to set a table, how to use knives, forks and spoons and how to use those which you find at your place when you are a guest in a private house or on some more formal occasion.

She says, “Etiquette Course is Needed”

The troubled parents who wrote me, wanted to know where they could learn correct table manners and the usages of polite society. There are many books of etiquette in the book stores, most of them reliable. Just now Emily Post’s “Etiquette” seems popular. 

Simple understandable rules are there for study. A formula for every emergency that may arise. Advice about how to set a table, how to use knives, forks and spoons and how to use those which you find at your place when you are a guest in a private house or on some more formal occasion.

Read up before accepting any invitation. Then sit down quietly at the table and watch somebody, preferably the hostess. If you are unfamiliar with the silver gadgets you find beside you, talk to somebody until the hostess takes up the one which the first course calls for, and begins to eat. You will find it very simple to follow. Do a lot of watching. That’s the way we all learn.  

People with good table manners learned them from others who had them, sometimes naturally and easily in childhood, sometimes by observation and study later, when the value of beautiful manners began to impress them. If you do not approve of yourself, the way you behave in company, the way you speak, you can at any time learn better ways. It’s strictly up to you. – By Estelle Lawton Lindsey for San Pedro News, 1937

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia