Ill-Bred American Children of 1914

Ella Wheeler Wilcox was an American poet and journalist. Several of her articles on parenting and home life are featured on the Etiquipedia Etiquette Encyclopedia

Children's Behavior

There Is a Vast Difference Between Liberty and License

American Youth Are Most Lawless and Ill-bred of Any on Earth, a Fact for Which Parents, Mothers Especially, Are Responsible

AMERICA is old enough now to know that the word liberty does not mean license; that freedom does not mean lawlessness. American mothers have a large duty confronting them; the duty of teaching their children the fine distinctions which lie between these words.

Ask any man or woman who has seen many lands and many people, and you will be told that American children are the most lawless and ill-bred of all the children on earth. On any ship or in any hotel the children who make themselves obnoxious by their loud voices, their impertinent manners and their failure to show courtesy to their elders are invariably American children.

It is not an unusual sight to see American children walk or stand before strangers, staring at them rudely and whispering or tittering as they move away. Two young girls made themselves so obnoxious on one of the large ocean liners by their impertinent manners to passengers in the dining saloon that it became necessary to ask the chief steward to reprove them.

These children were daughters of a New York banker. Their mother was on board with a retinue of attendants, but she had never taken time to teach her children refinement or even common decency of deportment.

When Rich Are Ill-Bred No Wonder the Poor Are

When such examples of ill- breeding can be found among the rich, one cannot wonder that the poorer classes have not reached a standard where they understand the importance of including good. manners in the curriculum, of education.

A lady who employs boys of all work at her country home was surprised to discover that children of Americans who came to her for work were nearly always lacking in the little polite habits which it would seem every mother would teach her boys and girls as soon as they were able to talk.

For instance, boys of sixteen came into her presence without removing their caps, and often when reporting to her for directions they bolted into her private apartments without knocking or in any way making their presence known. It became necessary for her to teach her employees good manners before she taught them their other duties.

Every mother should train her children to show good taste and delicacy in their treatment of herself. Then it would follow, as a matter of course, that they would treat others with courtesy. From the time a boy is able to walk he should be taught to rap before entering a room and girls should be taught the same act of courtesy.

There is too much freedom in most American homes. It does not indicate affection, or mutual understanding, or good comradeship when people bolt into the presence of another member of the family with no word or sound to prepare the way.

It merely indicates lack of thoughtful consideration. The refinements of life do much to keep the affections alive. A delicate code of manners observed between husband and wife helps to keep them out of the divorce court.

A gentle tap on a door, even if the door is open, and a word indicating who is coming, makes the advent of a loved one no less welcome.

Neglectful Mother Is Serving Ends of Discourtesy 

The mother who does not train her son to show to her the little courtesies like this is sowing seeds of annoyance for others who will be irritated by this lack of thoughtfulness.

No matter what position a man occupies in the world, whether he employs or is employed, whether he is waited upon, or waits upon others, good manners and courtesy and politeness will be of incalculable value to him.

A lady had occasion to call at the office of a prominent lawyer in a city of colleges. The lawyer was absent, but his secretary was present, a well educated young man, of good American family.

The lady who called was one for whom he unquestionably felt respect, yet he permitted her to stand for five minutes in his presence while she told her errand; and he lounged comfortably in his chair, with a cap on his head which he never thought to remove.

He seemed most anxious to be of service and in every way tried to help her; no doubt he would be greatly astonished and deeply pained if he knew she thought him discourteous. Such conduct is not at all uncommon in America;, it is to be met with every day; and it is always the fault of the mother.

Father Not Blameless but Chief Duty Is With Mother

The father, too, comes in for his share of blame; but it is the mother who has the child near her hour in and hour out, during these early years when habits are formed; and it is to the mother a child should look for right training in deportment.

Little girls, as well as boys need careful coaching. They should never be allowed to enter rooms without previous announcement; they should not be permitted to break into conversation without apology; and they should not lounge or sit while their elders stand.

Teach your children these little refinements, good mothers. It is better than leaving them a legacy of hard-earned money. – By Ella Wheeler Wilcox, July 1914

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Parenting in 1912

Childhood is the most favorable time to develop the little habits we carry through life, and the importance of giving attention to these little habits cannot be too strongly impressed upon the minds of parents of young children.

The Failure of Women To Be the Best Mothers Possible 

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Greatest Work on Earth That a Woman Can Do Is to Guide the Manners and Train the Mind of a Child

If the parents of a rough diamond could only realize the handicap they place in their child by starting him out into the world without polishing him as much as possible, I am sure every parent would do his utmost to add a touch here and a touch there to the personality of his offspring during childhood, for it is during childhood that the little habits are formed, which, taken as a whole, do much to influence his future career and station in life. I refer to habits of tidiness, manners, deportment, carriage, table etiquette, care of the toilet, etc... 

"There comes a time in the life of every child when habits of this class have to be formed, and there is no reason on earth why they should not he formed in such a way that in later years they will not be a source of embarrassment to him." —Herbert A. Parkyn M.D. 

I wish these words by one of America's most gifted physicians and metaphysicians, could be written in letters of gold and hung where every mother and teacher in the land might read them daily. Women are pushing forward their claims for higher recognition and every day, and woman are succeeding in almost all the arts, professions and trades formerly pursued by men exclusively, yet women are almost universally failing to be the best mothers possible. 

You who read these words may take exception to such a statement. Yet, employ your leisure hours the next week in looking about you critically and dispassionately for a really perfect, or even "near perfect" mother of boys and girls of that embryo age, from eight to fourteen. 

From 8 to 14, Children Show Mothers’ Teaching 

It is during that period children show forth the training and teaching which has come to them from close association with their mothers. To again quote from Dr. Parkyn: "There are great possibilities in a new wooden barrel, provided it is empty. It is easy to fill it with syrup or kerosene, or any other liquid. But if a barrel be filled first with kerosene, it is very difficult, so completely to get rid of its impressions on the barrel, that the barrel can be used afterwards for syrup, the barrel, as it were, having formed an auto suggestion, which is hard to overcome. 

A young child's mind is very much like a barrel, so far as its first impressions are concerned. Its mind is an empty thing, waiting to be filled with any kind of impressions, and the impressions of childhood are by far the most lasting. Childhood is the most favorable time to develop the little habits we carry through life, and the importance of giving attention to these little habits cannot be too strongly impressed upon the minds of parents of young children.

So many parents believe that if they teach their children what is right and wrong, from a moral and ethical point of view, clothe them and send them to school, they have done all that is required of them, and that the children will do the rest themselves and make a success in life.” 

Habits Can Be Developed Best During Childhood

Mothers of culture and education are to be found all about us who have allowed their little sons to pass through the formative period of childhood without one distinguishing trait or habit of refined, considerate manhood, and who consider the brusqueness and boorish deportment of their offspring as natural phases of boyhood, which will be eventually outgrown. 

In America, children are allowed to occupy an unnatural position in the home and are permitted to demand favors of their elders, where foreign children gently request to dispute, and flatly contradict, where others would only question or remain silent, and to sit in the presence of their parents and grand-parents without waiting for permission or observing whether any one is discommoded, by their conduct. 

Mothers permit their little sons to interrupt conversation; to enter a room noisily, without removing their hats; to be first at the table, without showing the courtesy of seating the mother or sister or guest, and to air their ideas and opinions aggressively in the presence of older people. 

The very greatest work a woman can do on earth is to guide and train the mind and manners of a little child into gentleness, kindliness, courtesy, consideration, politeness, respect and reverence for whatever is great and good, and to teach the embryo man or woman those small refinements of deportment which mean so much In life. No matter what other work a mother may be doing in the world, if she is neglecting this work, which is the work God has given her, she is miserably failing as an individual and a citizen, as well as a mother. 

Not One Woman in 100 Is a Scientific Mother 

However bright a boy may be in his lessons, however he may excel in the athletic field, he is not growing into admirable and excellent manhood unless he is receiving the delicate and gracious touches of education which a mother should consider it her great privilege to give. 

But this cannot he given in a day or a year, it must he done day by day, and year by year, unobtrusively and tactfully, until the child has absorbed the wholesome and refining system unconsciously. And we do not find one American mother in one hundred who is unselfish and patient enough to bestow so much time and thought on the, profession of scientific motherhood. — Written for The Evening Herald by Ella Wheeler Wilcox, 1912

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia