Guest of Honor Etiquette

The hostess, of course, stands to greet every guest, man or woman. The guest of honor, if a woman, rises on introduction to other women just as the hostess does. However, it is not necessary for her to rise to meet the average guest, except in the case of elderly or very distinguished women or upon introduction to the hostess herself. The guest of honor doesn't arise upon having men introduced to her, unless they are her host, a clergyman or some very elderly or distinguished gentleman.

Etiquette: Guest of Honor Faces Special Social Rules

It is pleasant, of course, to be designated a guest of honor, but the honor should never come as a complete surprise.

A person who has been asked to be a feature speaker at a college, a school or a church knows that he or she will certainly be a guest of honor and is prepared for a certain degree of formality as a result, However, a celebrity who is asked to what he thinks is a simple lunch with friend and finds that without warning she is expected to glow as the guest of honor, may be somewhat put out by the compliment.

At club functions, at private homes, at university teas, there is often no formal receiving line. The guest of honor stands with the hostess while guests are introduced. If all the guests come more or less at the same time, this is a relatively simple procedure. If they filter in, however, and hostess and guests are seated and having tea, what happens as individual guests arrive to be greeted by the hostess?

The hostess, of course, stands to greet every guest, man or woman. The guest of honor, if a woman, rises on introduction to other women just as the hostess does. However, it is not necessary for her to rise to meet the average guest, except in the case of elderly or very distinguished women or upon introduction to the hostess herself. The guest of honor doesn't arise upon having men introduced to her, unless they are her host, a clergyman or some very elderly or distinguished gentleman.

It can readily be seen that it is much more convenient for hostess and guest of honor to stand and drink their tea, so as to avoid considerable rising and sitting.

Properly, one does not leave reception of any kind without bidding farewell to host and hostess and guest of honor – unless one must leave before the receiving line, if any, breaks up. In this latter case just the greeting is sufficient and the guest takes leave of the group with which he finds himself only. Women, by the way, as I have said before, keep their gloves on as they are going down the receiving line. They remove them when partaking of retreshments or smoking.

The guest of honor usually wears a hat at a daytime reception of any kind, but since this costume varies in different communities it is wise for her to ask the hostess what is expected. Amazingly, big cities are much less formal in this respect than some small towns. But even where hats are not worn, gloves are.

The hostess no longer under these circumstances wears a hat in her own home unless, for example, the reception is a wedding reception following a religious ceremony at home. In this case the mother of the bride would wear a hat as part of her costume - at least for a Protestant Episcopal ceremony - just as she would for a home christening or a funeral. — By Amy Vanderbilt, 1955

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Hope Chest and Trousseau Etiquette

What is a Trousseau? – According to Engagement and wedding etiquette by Barbara Wilson, “The trousseau can be directly traced back to the barter-price, purchase-price and dowry systems. It was customary for a bride to come to her husband well-provided with a dowry, so that the man might be compensated for his expenses in caring for the children of his wife’s lineage. In our present time in this country, it is not thought essential that a bride bring to her husband money or land, but she is usually provided with a good supply of personal clothing, household linen, silver, china, etc., although much of this also comes along as wedding presents.” Many young women began collecting various items during their teens that they stored in a “hope” or cedar chest over the years. The trousseau may consist of furniture, silver, china, crystal, linens, kitchen equipment, glassware, cosmetics and anything else a young girl might collect over the years. Parents and relatives contributed to the trousseau, as well.

Girls Start Hope Chests Later Now

When I was a young girl, the “hope chest” was started in a girl's early teens, sometimes even before and kept up until her marriage.

Today, however, girls do not start their hope chests at such an early age, if at all. Instead, when their engagements are announced they begin to collect things for their trousseau.

Sometimes these things go into an official “hope chest,” sometimes they are stored in bureau drawers or closets.

In these days of rapidly changing styles, linens, underthings, all the things usual in the bride's trousseau are not collected years in advance. This does not mean that a cedar chest is no longer useful and many a girl has her heart set on one.

Here is a letter on the subject:

“DEAR MISS VANDERBILT: My sister, who is my daughter's godmother, gave my daughter a hope chest three years ago when she was 10. She is now very disappointed that we have not added to the few pieces in it - crochet trimmed pillow cases and things like that. We decided to ask you if it is worth while starting a hope chest for a 13-year-old girl.”

I don't think it would be wise to start a hope chest for a 13-year–old. What your daughter thinks appropriate at that age may be quite out of date by the time she is married.

Not very long ago, for example, colored bed linens were very expensive. Now they may be had on small budgets. Yes, does a 13-year-old know what color bedroom she and her husband-to-be will want, seven or eight years from now? Maybe they'll be living in a trailer! — Amy Vanderbilt, 1955

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Etiquette of Different Light Wines

 

DEAR MISS VANDERBILT: What exactly is a “light wine?” Are they always white?- From G.F., Dallas, Texas.

Dear G.F., — Light wines have no bubbles, are low in alcohol content (anywhere from 9 per cent to 14 per cent). They may be red, white or rosé. The most popular light French wine is Pouilly Fuisse, a white Burgundy. All of the German Rhine and Moselle wines are light. Rosés, domestic and imported (the Anjou rosé from the Anjou region of France is considered a go-with-everything wine), are especially safe ladies’ choice, served chilled. Rosé should not, in my opinion, be served with strong-flavored foods like curries, which tend to overpower its delicacy.

A light red wine with which you are certainly familiar is sparkling Burgundy which, like rosé, is always served chilled and handled like champagne. Like champagne, it may be served throughout the meal. Many connoisseurs consider the American sparkling Burgundy from good houses superior to those from France.

The very wines that many women consider “light” are not that at all - they are fortified among them are port, Madeira, sherry, angelica. The first three are available in both dry and sweet varieties, the dry suitable as aperitifs with ice, or without ice, but their alcohol content is far higher than that of the light wines. Of course, the highly sugared ones have a higher caloric content. — BY Amy Vanderbilt, 1966

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Egotists and Etiquette

It’s very hard to convince an egocentric through, correction that he should think of others. Clever sign seen in office.

EGOISTS HARD TO CONVINCE

Question: I know a young lady who never says “we” or “ours.” And if speaking to you, she never considers both man and wife. When she mentions her home, she says, “my home.” How can you politely tell someone like this that her husband and friends should be included in a conversation as well as herself?

Answer: It's very hard to convince an egocentric through, correction that he should think of others. Which reminds me of a joke:

A woman complained to her husband that he always referred to everything they mutually owned as his, that the should consider her when speaking of their possessions. The next morning the husband arose, looked agitatedly around the bedroom and said, “Maggie, where are OUR trousers?” 

By Amy Vanderbilt, Etiquette Authority, 1957

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Etiquette: As the Table Turns

The hostess does at all times keep an ear open for the conversation at the table. She tries to divide her attention equally between the gentleman on her left and the one on her right, while noting where at the table there are lulls in conversation. She then tries, when she can, to direct the conversation in a general way. Perhaps she will pose a question to someone who seems very silent in order to get him or her talking.

DEAR MISS VANDERBILT: In an old etiquette book I read elaborate, and to me silly, directions for "turning the table" when you have a dinner party. In this the hostess decides at what point she wants the conversation to change so that everyone talking will talk to someone else. So she breaks off the conversation with the man on her left and turns to the man on her right and starts another conversation, no matter what he has been talking about to the person on his right. This seems artificial, to say the least, and certainly not of this century. What do you think of it? Is it really still done? — Mrs. G. R., St. Paul, Minn.

Dear Mrs. G. R., St. Paul, Minn. —Not in this sense, according to a rigid formula. The hostess does at all times keep an ear open for the conversation at the table. She tries to divide her attention equally between the gentleman on her left and the one on her right, while noting where at the table there are lulls in conversation. She then tries, when she can, to direct the conversation in a general way. Perhaps she will pose a question to someone who seems very silent in order to get him or her talking.

Even though she is the conversation-steerer, the hostess should be careful not to interrupt a conversation which seems to be going very well just for the sake of "turning the table.” And it is annoying when someone in deep conversation with someone else is interrupted by the hostess to be asked, “Some more coffee?” She should wait for a pause in the conversation.

Over-assiduous hostesses can be point-killers and some in their anxiety to be good hostesses never seem to let their guests conclude a sentence. Sometimes it is the clear duty of the hostess not only to interrupt a conversation that is becoming unpleasant or acrimonious, but to be very firm about changing the subject. Her duty is to all of her guests. 

She might say, “I hate to interrupt, but perhaps we had better leave the politics until after we leave the table. I want you all to have a pleasant meal.” Traditionally, subjects to be avoided at the dinner table are: accidents, illness, religion, scandal and politics. — Amy Vanderbilt, 1968

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Ordering Etiquette in Restaurants

“It is necessary to know what the main course is going to be before fixing upon the wine. Therefore, do not order wine until the main dish has been chosen by those at the table.”- Amy Vanderbilt 

Q. Dear Miss Vanderbilt: I would like to know if there are any specific rules on the order in which you order various dinner courses in a restaurant. That is, do you order appetizer, salad, main course, vegetable and potato way you would be served or is there a rule of etiquette to govern just how you state your order to the waiter? 

I have been told that the correct way is to order your main (meat) course first, then salad, appetizer and vegetable, but I have been unable to substantiate this is any books of etiquette. I would appreciate your help. -Mrs. E. S., Bridgeville, Pa.

A. You order the appetizer first, then the fish course if any, then the meat course. If separate vegetables are listed on the menu, you indicate which ones you would like. Otherwise, they are served automatically with the meat course. Although you don't order the meat first, you have decided on it before ordering the preliminary course or courses.

Recently there was a symposium for New York prep school boys at the Four Seasons restaurant in New York. They were instructed on how to order. It is important, they were told, that the choice of courses balance with another. You can see what would be wrong with herring with sour cream, followed by cream of asparagus soup, chicken fricassee, salad with Russian dressing and Washington cream pie. 

Also, it is necessary to know what the main course is going to be before fixing upon the wine. Therefore, do not order wine until the main dish has been chosen by those at the table. If you don't know too much about wines, never hesitate to ask the advice of the sommelier, or wine steward. He can't make, intelligent suggestions until he knows what your main course is.– 1965, by United Feature Syndicate, Inc.

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Mid 20th C. Correspondence Etiquette

Amy Vanderbilt was one of the most successful authorities on etiquette of the 20th century. Her books were published in many countries and languages, including the book above in Lithuanian.

Dear Miss Vanderbilt: Have times changed so much that “cordially” is now accepted as good form for the closing of a letter? In a 1938 edition of Emily Post's book I find the following: “Cordially” was coined no doubt to fill this need (an expression to fit sentiment more friendly than “sincerely” and less intimate than “affectionately”) but its condescension puts it in the category of all other offenses of pretentiousness, and in New York at least it is not used by people of best taste.

I continue to receive notes. signed “cordially,” which I do not appreciate. The latest is a thank-you note from a bride, which means a young person is condescending to a much older person. Perhaps a comment in your column would help. D. F., Baltimore

ETIQUETTE changes. I can assure you that in the best New York society the closing. “Cordially” is very frequently seen and is not considered in the least condescending. It is a little more friendly than “Sincerely” and has a little more swing than “Very truly yours” or even “Yours truly.” I use it under almost all circumstances in business and social correspondence, although of course in the latter I use affectionate terms as well.

Dear Miss Vanderbilt: In sending a social letter to a retired Admiral (rear or vice) is it necessary to use the prefix in social address? If you don't know whether an Admiral is vice or rear, is it tactful to give him the higher office (vice) in writing and will just Admiral do for social correspondence?

In listing such officers on club stationery, etc…, do you use the title followed by U.S.N. (Ret.) or merely Ret.? The “Ret.” is not used in the telephone book, but perhaps they don't use the prefix either. G. F., Philadelphia.

IN YOUR first question, it is not necessary to use the prefix in social address. On your second question, use the higher title. For social corre- spondence, Admiral will do without a prefix of any kind. The form to use on your last question is U.S.N. (Ret.). In a telephone listing, although the Ret. is not used, the prefix is. – By Amy Vanderbilt, United Feature Syndicate Inc., 1967

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Etiquette, Honesty and Integrity

In a world full of old and new etiquette books, we highly recommend the late-Amy Vanderbilt’s books. They can hold many treasures, not the least of which is terrific etiquette advice!

The Proper Etiquette? 

Return the Money

DENVER (AP) - A garage sale buff who found $475 inside a copy of Amy Vanderbilt's book on “Everyday Etiquette” didn't need the late Ms. Vanderbilt to advise her on the proper thing to do. 

Robin A. located the book's former owner, Francis T., 14 years after Mrs. T. hid it there in an old Easter card, and returned the money.

Ms. A. was flipping through books at the garage sale sponsored by the Arthritis Foundation on Aug. 17 when she came upon the Vanderbilt guide to proper everyday behavior.

As she thumbed through the book the card fell out, with the cash stuffed inside. Ms. A. noted the name and address on the card, bought the book and contacted Mrs. T., who lives in northwest Denver.

Mrs. T. said she had hidden the money inside the card 14 years ago, put it in the book and forgot all about it. She gave Ms. A. a $75 reward. – The Desert Sun, 1985

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1950s Office Etiquette and Social Rules

“Mopsy” explaining her office etiquette for when the wife of her boss dropped by.  Mopsy was a comic  strip by Gladys Parker, who was said to have created the character after herself and her mop-like head of hair. Parker was one of just a few female cartoonists of her era. The strip's run was over three decades, from its inception in 1937 through the 1960s.  

Q. & A. With Amy Vanderbilt…

Special Social Rules Apply In Business Office Conduct

Does business etiquette differ from social etiquette in regard to a gentleman's treatment of a lady? Yes, in many cases it does.

A subordinate woman employee, for example, usually rises if a top male executive approaches her desk to give her some instructions. She does not do this for her immediate superior, as it would mean she would be jumping up and down all the time. She rises for a superior woman executive, too, under the same circumstances – that is, if her desk is visited by a superior with whom she is not in constant contact. And she rises for an important client or customer of the firm to whom she is introduced, whether male or female.

Following is a question on office etiquette: 

“Dear Miss Vanderbilt: I am a secretary who works for two men. We all work in one office. Is it correct for my bosses to introduce me to an outside visitor? 

Recently we had a visitor from England who spent an afternoon with my bosses. He sat no more than three or four feet away from me I felt embarrassed at not being introduced, particularly when they left the room and I was alone with him. What do you think? -JM, Detroit, Mich.”

You should have been introduced to him. In a case like this, which concerns business, a subordinate woman worker is introduced to a male superior. Socially, of course, a man is always introduced to a woman. – By Amy Vanderbilt, November 1954

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French Glove Etiquette

“Women who don't wear gloves every time they go out tend to feel self-conscious on the few occasions that they wear them. Self-consciousness about your clothes and accessories is a real poise-destroyer. So, the first rule, if you would handle yourself gracefully when wearing gloves, is to make them a habit. Then you won't feel there's anything ‘different’ about yourself when you have them on.”– The Leather Glove Producers of France 

THE WEARING OF GLOVES 

Before me is a set of rules on glove wearing put out by The Leather Glove Producers of France with which I agree in most respects, but not all. Here is what they say about the wearing of gloves: 

“Women who don't wear gloves every time they go out tend to feel self-conscious on the few occasions that they wear them. Self-consciousness about your clothes and accessories is a real poise-destroyer. So, the first rule, if you would handle yourself gracefully when wearing gloves, is to make them a habit. Then you won't feel there's anything ‘different’ about yourself when you have them on.”

The other rules of glove etiquette are more formalized. 

When to keep them on: 

• Don't carry your gloves, wear them. Put them on before you leave the house, the restaurant table, or your seat at the theater. 

• Keep them on at a cocktail party or tea unless you are going to eat. 

• It's perfectly good etiquette to hold a glass or cup in a gloved hand. But it's bad etiquette to pick up food while wearing gloves. 

• The solution of many chic Frenchwomen is to remove one glove only at a cocktail party or tea. She holds the glove in her left hand or leaves it with her bag which she keeps near her. 

• Keep your gloves on to shake hands whether with a man or woman. 

• Keep them on while dancing. (This rule is not fixed. It is not considered bad form to take gloves off for dancing if you prefer to.) 

• Particularly important to brides: Keep your gloves on if you are in a receiving line.

When to take them off:

• Etiquette decrees that you must remove both gloves completely (even the long opera length) before sitting down to the table or helping yourself at a buffet. 

• Most of the women in this country find keeping their gloves on at cocktail parties is impractical because of the service of canapé’s. It is bad form to take canapé’s with, the gloves on. If you subscribe to the one-glove-off-and-one-glove-on system and want to take a canapé, you must take it with the ungloved hand. 

• Certainly, at a cocktail party in the suburbs or country areas, the woman who insists upon keeping her gloves on or even one glove on might seem pretentious. The best rule is: if the others have taken off their gloves, you do so, too. 

• In the matter of keeping on one's gloves when shaking hands, a woman removes them when shaking hands with a head of state or church. 

• In certain countries abroad, the right glove is removed by ladies for hand-shaking with either sex. Follow the custom of the country in which you find yourself. 

• Also, the climate of this country is vastly different from that of France. In our very hot sections it is unbearable for women to wear their gloves under all circumstances in public. It is quite proper for them to remove and hold or carry their gloves under certain conditions. 

• A woman might wear her gloves to a town meeting or to a flower show, then remove them and carry them during the proceedings for the sake of comfort and perhaps to make it easier to handle programs, pencils and so forth. – Amy Vanderbilt, 1958

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Etiquette and Grouchy Husbands

"The agreeable husband conducts himself at the table exactly as if guests were present. He is clean, combed and generally presentable... he should limit his smoking to the end of the meal using an ash tray instead of dishes as ash receptacles....

Husband Grouchy? Consult Amy Vanderbilt's Etiquette Book!

NEW YORK - People used to refer to etiquette books when there was a question about forks or formal invitations, but that's the least of a modern book on manners.

Husband grouchy when he gets up in the morning? Consult the etiquette book.

What to name the baby? Consult the etiquette book. 

Taking a bath in a foreign country? Consult the etiquette book.

Want to write your congressman a nasty letter? That's in there too..

And if you're tempted to write a passionate love letter-well, you might just read one sentence in the etiquette book, to wit: "Love letters are sometimes bombshells." 

Scope Broadened

All those matters, and some 650 pages of other private and personal problems, are dealt with in the latest revised edition of Amy Vanderbilt's complete book of etiquette, recently published by Doubleday.

As high society has ceased having such rigid rules of admittance and behavior, the social experts have broadened their scope to include manners for family occasions.

Under the heading, "The Agreeable Husband," Miss Vanderbilt writes that if a man must be grouchy before coffee in the morning, he should be sure the family understands that there is nothing personal about it. 

She also lists the following rules for agreeable husbands: Clean And Presentable

"The agreeable husband conducts himself at the table exactly as if guests were present. He is clean, combed and generally presentable... he should limit his smoking to the end of the meal using an ash tray instead of dishes as ash receptacles....

"No well-brought-up husband should ever bring anyone except a most intimate friend home to dinner without sufficient warning to his wife."

There is also a section on agreeable wives, with emphasis on personal good grooming and tidy habits around the house.

Etiquette rules are designed to make life simpler and more pleasant, after all, and life around the house could stand a little of both.

"Perhaps it is impossible for most husbands to understand everything about their wives." — The Napa Valley Register, 1955

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Teen Etiquette Topics, 1956

Q. I have been going with a boy who calls me up every night. He tells me he likes me, but in school he ignores me and flirts with other girls. Should I tell him I'm jealous?

Since dating is so very important to teenagers, here are some questions on that subject.

Q. I am 18 years old. My friends say that I am very pretty but that I am too quiet and never say anything funnyCan you make any suggestions? — M.M., Radom, Ill.

A. Try to cultivate your sense of humor so that you will enjoy the amusing things other people say. Not everyone can create humor. But if you look alive and receptive, your friends will like you and find you good company.

Q. Is it proper for a girl of 13 to play different kinds of ball games with boys several years older? — B.S., Phenix City, Ala.

A. It seems all right if grownups are present.

Q. I have been going with a boy who calls me up every night. He tells me he likes me, but in school he ignores me and flirts with other girls. Should I tell him I'm jealous?— L.P., Chicago, III.

A. Don't tell him you're jealous. If he calls you every night, you probably have the inside track. You'll have to wait until he is ready to acknowledge you as his girl in school. In the meantime, why not see some of the other boys?

Q. I am 16. I compliment girls quite often in school. When I do, they say "Thank you." What should I say?— S.G., New Britain, Conn.

A. Nothing.

Q. I like my girlfriend's boyfriend and he likes me. I want to go out with the boy but I still want Joan as a friend. What should I do?-— B.T., Mineral Ridge, Ohio.

A. It is very important for a girl to be liked by other girls in her school. The kind of boy-snatching that you are contemplating would make girls dislike you. Keep the friendship of your own sex and you'll have a better chance at happiness with boys as well.

Q. I am 14 and go to quite a few parties, but never enjoy them. What do you think I can do to have a good time?— J.L., Stratford, Conn. 

A. Seem to have a good time. This is a great compliment to your hostess and the boy you are with. If you start out to a party feeling that you are going to have a dull time and that you are dull yourself, you usually bring both of these undesired things upon yourself.— By Amy Vanderbilt in Parade Magazine, 1956

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Amy Vanderbilt Teen Etiquette, 1956

Q. At 13, is it all right for me to like a boy shorter than I? Am I too young to go steady?… Amy answers! ~ Group of teen boys at Knott’s Berry Farm in California, circa early 1950’s 

— Photo source, Etiquipedia Family Photos 

A large percentage of my mail comes from the sub-teen group I sincerely sympathize with the young girl who suddenly becomes really interested in her future dating possibilities and gets herself into a state of needless anxiety about her personal appearance. Here are three letters from this age group.

Q. I am a 12-year-old girl with three problems: 1) I am overweight and my mother won't let me go to a doctor. 2) Most of my girl friends have clothes that are bought ready- made; I have none. 3) My father won't let me go to school dances.— CT., Baton Rouge, La.

AIn your own opinion you may be overweight because your friends are thinner than you are, but in the eyes of a doctor you may not be. At your age it is considered wise to be 10 pounds over the normal. If you are a lot more than that, you should make a sincere effort to cut down on sweets and starches as well as fats. You need plenty of bone-building protein and calcium.

If clothes that are bought in a store seem so important to you, find some way of earning extra money to acquire them. However, many girls are very beautifully dressed by mothers who sew well — and you may be one.

Give your father time in the matter of dances. He probably thinks that you seem to be growing up too fast.

Q. I am a 12-year-old girl and my mother thinks I am too young to go out on dates in the afternoon. May we have your opinion? — D.S., St. Petersburg, Fla.

A. What other nice girls in your own group do is usually a fairly good criterion of what your parents can safely let you do. But the decision must rest with the parents; they know the circumstances and can judge the company you keep.

Q. At 13, is it all right for me to like a boy shorter than I? Am I too young to go steady? — L.R., Chicago, Ill.

A. Why shouldn't you like a boy shorter than yourself? Yes. 13-year-olds are much too young to go steady. — By Amy Vanderbilt in Parade Magazine, 1956

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Spaghetti Etiquette: Spoon? No Spoon?

Peasant style or not, Amy Vanderbilt gave the following logistical advice in 1952 in her “Complete Book of Etiquette:” “The spoon is placed in the left hand, assuming the subject is a right-handed person, more or less upright in the plate of spaghetti. The right hand uses the fork with the tip of the prongs against the spoon to wind the spaghetti into a manageable mouthful. It should not drip off the fork. The forkful of spaghetti is then conveyed to the mouth while the spoon remains in the hand and on the plate.”

ABIGAIL VAN BUREN:
Dear Abby...

DEAR ABBY: Shame on you for suggesting that spaghetti be eaten by twisting the forked-up spaghetti into the hollow of a large spoon. That's like condoning drinking coffee out of a saucer after fanning it with your hat! A SPAGHETTI AFICIONADO

DEAR ABBY: Where did you A get the idea that one uses a fork “and a spoon” for spaghetti? According to Emily Post it is not considered etiquette either here or in Italy. Please correct yourself in your column before millions of Dear Abby fans start eating their spaghetti like Italian peasants. VELIA

DEAR VELIA: All right, so I was taught to eat spaghetti like an Italian peasant, But it's easier to eat that way and, in my book, common sense and convenience transcend “etiquette”, so let us not have any Emily Postmortems.

DEAR READERS: I finally became so exercised over the spaghetti-eating controversy that I sent the following cable to a well- bred Italian friend in Florence, Italy: “In Italy, is it considered proper etiquette to eat spaghetti with a fork and large spoon?” -ABBITTA VAN BURENIO

By return cable, this reply was received: “Only the middle-class southern Italian eats spaghetti with a fork and large spoon. Aforementioned technique strictly excluded by good society throughout the whole of Italy.” -GIORGIO GIANESE

DEAR ABBY: I followed through on your memo, telephoned a number of the leading Italian restaurants in the Los Angeles area, and asked, “How do your customers eat spaghetti?” The replies:

“With a fork and large spoon.” - Patrone's
“With a fork and large spoon.” -La Scalla
“With a fork and large spoon.” -Villa Nova
“With a fork and large spoon.” -Gizzarri's
“With a fork and large spoon.” -Frascatis
      -Your secretary, Marion

      From “Dear Abby,” in The Desert Sun, 1963

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Etiquette of “Hanging the Bell”

Like mourning, the bell hanging was for the protection of the bereaved, so that anyone approaching the house would do so with quiet dignity. —
 Photo source, Pinterest

The custom of hanging the bell goes back to the days when doorbells were bells with clappers hung on or adjacent to the door. When someone died, the clapper was muffled in cloth. This later developed into ribbon streamers in white, purple or black, with white or purple flowers. Like mourning, the bell hanging was for the protection of the bereaved, so that anyone approaching the house would do so with quiet dignity. 

Today, few hang the bell. And it is never done except when the funeral is to take place in the home. When a family still wishes to adhere to the old custom it so instructs the funeral director, who orders the flowers and has them hung just below the doorbell of either apartment or private house. — From “Amy Vanderbilt’s Complete Book of Etiquette,” 1952

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Monogramming Silver

An ornate silver pattern handle requires that the monogram either be placed on the back of the flatware or in the functional end of the piece. This rare Versailles sterling pattern caviar spade has the owners’ last name’s first initial prominently in the functional end above.– Whether or not she is to receive her flat silver all at once or purchase it a setting at a time, the bride should choose her pattern and monogram as soon as her invitations are out, so friends who wish to give her silver may match their gifts. 

The bride's family usually gives her her flat silver, and the groom's family gives the silver tea service as a wedding gift.

If having a silver tea service will create a storage problem in small quarters where it can’t be on display, the groom's family might better give a china service or, perhaps, broadloom if that is a paramount need of a young couple on a slender budget. It is nicer, of course, for both families to give enduring things such as silver or fine china, but many young couples would prefer checks to use only in part to start purchases of silver or fine china on a budget basis, adding to their stock as their living quarters and their social activities grow.

Whether or not she is to receive her flat silver all at once or purchase it a setting at a time, the bride should choose her pattern and monogram as soon as her invitations are out, so friends who wish to give her silver may match their gifts. She may register her silver pattern and that of her china and glass at shops from which it will probably come. This will be of much help to her friends. Silver serving dishes and platters don't necessarily match the flat silver but should be in a harmonizing style. Loveliest are the old Sheffield platters and serving dishes, plated of course on copper, but there are many modern pieces in sterling or, more usual, plate, in a variety of classic patterns that complement flatware.

If it is out of the question for a bride to have even a starter set of sterling, a fine quality of plate in a simple pattern will do. But, given a choice between a complete set of even the best plate and a four-place setting of sterling, the wise bride will chose the sterling, adding to it on anniversaries and other gift-giving times. Sterling is a permanent investment requiring no upkeep or replacement. It always has a company complexion and will be just as acceptable and beautiful twenty or thirty years after the wedding.

Styles in silver are fairly stable. Heavy embossed or repousse silver, which is hard to clean, is better avoided for the simpler, more modern, patterns. But if you have inherited heavy, heavily-decorated silver, it is heartening to know that you can still add to your set, as the great silver- smiths still produce for these familiar open-stock patterns. And often you can pick up extra forks, spoons, and knives at auctions or old silver shops. In fact, a friend of mine, with no family to give her silver and a slim budget on which to start, deliberately chose one of the lovely, decorative old pat- terns, buying it secondhand, and from time to time picks up six spoons or a dozen salad forks in antique shops and elsewhere at half the price they would be new from the silversmiths that have been making them for a century. And, as with all fine sterling, their beauty increases with use and the years.

A dozen of everything in all-sterling flatware is ideal, but a young bride can do very well with four- or six-place settings consisting of dinner knife, dinner fork, salad fork, butter knife, teaspoon, and dessert spoon. The teaspoon will be used for consommé and cream soup, for desserts in small. containers, for grapefruit or fruit cup, as well as for tea or coffee. The dessert spoon will do for soups in soup plates and for desserts served on flat plates. She will need two tablespoons and two extra dinner forks to serve with, a carving set, a cake knife and, of course, after-dinner coffee spoons.

If her budget is limited she should avoid purchasing flat silver that is. teaspoon will be used for consommé and cream soup, for desserts in small containers, for grapefruit or fruit cup, as well as for tea or coffee. The dessert spoon will do for soups in soup plates and for desserts served on flat plates. She will need two tablespoons and two extra dinner forks to serve with, a carving set, a cake knife and, of course, after-dinner coffee spoons.

If her budget is limited she should avoid purchasing flat silver that is used only occasionally fruit knives and forks, oyster forks, ice-tea spoons, fish forks and knives, cheese scoops, and the like. If ancestral silver is to be used, it is probable that some of these things will be missing anyhow and substitutes will have to be found.

A word of warning to the bride who rejects offers of sterling silver when she marries in favor of household furnishings she feels she needs more. If you don't get your sterling now, you may never get it. Once a family starts growing, its constant needs too often absorb funds we thought would be available for something so basic as sterling. So we “make-do” over the years with ill-assorted cutlery, deceptively inexpensive because it wears. out. Then come the important little dinners, as a young husband gets up in the world. We push a chair over a hole in the living room rug, put a cushion under the pillow of the sofa with a sagging spring, and distract the guests' attention from the picture-less walls by charming flower arrangements. But there is nothing that can be done about the shabby flatware, which, somehow, is still with us, even though it was bought just to tide us through the first year in the tiny apartment. But then, of course, the baby came.

Never again in her lifetime will a girl find her family and friends in such a giving and sentimental mood as they are at the time of her wedding. At no other time will it occur, very probably, to any of them to give her so much as a silver ash tray. But at the propitious moment they think of sterling silver as the gift for the bride as part of her dowry as it should be. So, though she starts married life without as much as a roasting pan, she should be able to lay her table if it's only a bridge table with the kind of silver she'll be proud to see on whatever table the future has in store for her.

Right from the start, it is the wife's task to set the tone of the family's living. And one's everyday living should differ very little from that presented to guests. We are all strongly influenced by things around us. What family doesn't deserve the sight of an attractively set dinner table, even when guests aren't present?

Should gifts of silver be monogrammed? The bride should decide how she wishes her silver marked, then, if it is given her in a complete set, it arrives already monogrammed. If friends give her flat silver from a chosen pattern, it is better to send it unmonogrammed, in case she receives many duplicates. Hollow ware and trays should be sent unmonogrammed to make them exchangeable.  – From The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette, 1952

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Amy Vanderbilt on Monogram Etiquette

This server is monogrammed with a single, elegant initial for a last name – “After she was married, or if her husband’s family presented silver, that silver was marked with her married initials or the single initial of the new family or with her husband’s crest. This meant differently marked silver used on the same table. And while this is very usual, especially when we have inherited silver, many brides prefer unity in monogramming. The bride often has her silver marked with her new initials, or the single initial of her new name or with her husband’s crest, if they both wish.”

How should silver be marked? In hope chest days a girl began collecting her silver piece by piece, long before a knight even appeared over the horizon. It was monogrammed with her maiden initials or the single letter of her last name or with her family’s crest, and it remained her personal property. After she was married, or if her husband’s family presented silver, that silver was marked with her married initials or the single initial of the new family or with her husband's crest. This meant differently marked silver used on the same table. And while this is very usual, especially when horizon. It was monogrammed with her maiden initials or the single letter of her last name or with her family’s crest, and it remained her personal property. 

After she was married, or if her husband’s family presented silver, that silver was marked with her married initials or the single initial of the new family or with her husband’s crest. This meant differently marked silver used on the same table. And while this is very usual, especially when we have inherited silver, many brides prefer unity in monogramming. The bride often has her silver marked with her new initials, or the single initial of her new name or with her husband’s crest, if they both wish.

Ornate initialing or monogramming has given way to simple markings, usually suggested by the jeweler as being in harmony with the design of the silver. Sometimes triangles or inverted triangles are used, with the bride's initials or her first initial and the groom's combined with his last initial. This may be: 

N (his last name), 

JP (their two first initials) or

J F triangle or with her first two initials at the base). 

G (her maiden initials in an inverted JP (their two first initials)  

or 

J F G (her maiden initials in an inverted triangle or with her first two initials at the base). 

– From The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette, 1952

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Addressing British Peers

    

Prince Henry, Duke of Gloucester and Governor General of Australia. He was also the uncle of Queen Elizabeth II. Photo circa 1945 

— Public domain image, Wikipedia 

British Peerage and Individuals

THE PEERAGE
A DUKE, NON-ROYAL writing to His Grace, the Duke of Norfolk, K.G. Local address Letter opening: Sir: (business) Dear Duke: (social) Closing: Yours very truly (business) Yours sincerely (social) speaking to Your Grace. In prolonged conversation, Sir introducing or referring to The Duke of Norfolk note: In England invitations are never addressed jointly (on the envelope) to husband and wife but to the wife alone. Christmas cards may be ad- dressed jointly, however. (See “The British Use of Esquire.”) In this case the form would be: Their Graces, the Duke and Duchess of Norfolk.


THE ELDEST SON OF A DUKE AND HIS WIFE note: The eldest son of a Duke has the highest family title below his father's, such as Marquess. His wife has the corresponding title, such as Marchioness.


THE YOUNGER SONS OF A DUKE note: The younger sons of a Duke have the title Lord with their Christian and family names. writing to The Lord James Beaumont Local address Letter opening: Sir: (business) Dear Lord James: (social) Closing: Yours very truly (business) Yours sincerely (social) speaking to Lord James introducing or referring to Lord James Beaumont note: The terms “My Lord” and “My Lady” are forms of address used mainly by servants and tradesmen, although the usage is not necessarily menial.


THE DAUGHTERS OF A DUKE note: The daughters of a Duke take the title Lady with their Christian and family name. writing to Lady Bridget Beaumont Local address Letter opening: Madam: (business) Dear Lady Bridget: (social) Closing: Yours very truly (business) Yours sincerely (social) speaking to Lady Bridget introducing or referring to Lady Bridget Beaumont


THE WIFE OF THE YOUNGER SON OF A DUKE note: The wife of the younger son of a Duke has the title Lady with her husbands full name or Christian name but not with his surname only. writing to Lady James Beaumont Local address Letter opening: Madam (business) Dear Lady James: (social) Closing: Yours very truly (business) Yours sincerely (social) speaking to Lady James introducing or referring to Lady James Beaumont


A MARQUESS writing to The Most Honourable the Marquess of Remington, or The Marquess of Remington (less formal) Local address Letter opening: Sir: (business) Dear Lord Remington: (social) Closing: Yours very truly (business) Yours sincerely (social) speaking to Lord Remington introducing or referring to The Marquess of Remington, or Lord Remington (less formal)


A MARCHIONESS writing to The Most Honourable the Marchioness of Remington, or The Marchioness of Remington (less formal) Local address Letter opening: Madam: (business) Dear Lady Remington: (social) Closing: Yours very truly (business) Yours sincerely (social) speaking to Lady Remington introducing or referring to The Marchioness of Remington, or Lady Remington (less formal)


THE SONS AND DAUGHTERS OF A MARQUESS note: The eldest son of a Marquess has the highest family tide below his father's such as Earl his wife has the corresponding title such as Countess. The younger son and daughter of a Marquess take the title Lord or Lady, respectively. The wife of the younger son of a Marquess has the title Laay combined with her husband's full name.


AN EARL writing to The Right Honourable the Earl of Leeds, G.C., V.O., C.M.G. (business) or The Earl of Leeds (social) Local address Letter opening: Sir: (business) Dear Lord Leeds: (social) Closing: Yours very truly (business) Yours sincerely (social) speaking to Lord Leeds introducing or referring to The Earl of Leeds or Lord Leeds (less formal)


A COUNTESS, WIFE OF AN EARL writing to The Right Honourable the Countess of Leeds (business) or The Countess of Leeds (social) Local address Letter opening: Madam: (business) Dear Lady Leeds: (social) Closing: Yours very truly (business) Yours sincerely (social) speaking to Lady Leeds introducing or referring to The Countess of Leeds or Lady Leeds (less formal)


THE ELDEST SON OF AN EARL AND HIS WIFE note: The eldest son of an Earl has the highest family title below his father's such as Viscount. His wife takes the corresponding title such as Viscountess. The younger sons of an Earl and their wives have the title Honourable. Writing to The Honourable George Bird Local address Letter opening: Sir: (business) Dear Mr. Bird: (social) Closing: Yours very truly (business) Yours sincerely (social) speaking to Mr. Bird introducing or referring to Mr. Bird writing to The Honourable Mrs. George Bird Local address Letter opening: Madam: (business) Dear Mrs. Bird: (social) Closing: Yours very truly (business) Yours sincerely (social) speaking to Mrs. Bird


INTRODUCING OR REFERRING TO Mrs. Bird note: The daughters of an Earl have the title Lady combined with their Christian and family names.


A VISCOUNT writing to The Right Honourable the Viscount Bemis (business) or The Vis- count Bemis (social) Local address Letter opening: Sir: (business) Dear Lord Bemis: (social) Closing: Yours very truly (business) Yours sincerely (social) speaking to Lord Bemis introducing or referring to Viscount Bemis or Lord Bemis (less formal)


A VISCOUNTESS writing to The Right Honourable the Viscountess Bemis (business) or The Viscountess Bemis (social) Local address Letter opening: Madam: (business) Dear Lady Bemis: (social) Closing: Yours very truly (business) Yours sincerely (social) speaking to Lady Bemis introducing or referring to Viscountess Bemis or Lady Bemis (less formal)


THE FAMILY OF A VISCOUNT note: The eldest son of a Viscount and also his wife have the title Honourable. writing to The Honourable Thomas Bemis Local address Letter opening: Sir: (business) Dear Mr. Bemis: (social) Closing: Yours very truly (business) Yours sincerely (social) speaking to Mr. Bemis


INTRODUCING OR REFERRING TO Mr. Bemis writing to The Honourable Mrs. Bemis Omission of husbands Christian name indicates she is wife of eldest son. Local address Letter opening: Madam (business) Dear Mrs. Bemis: (social) Closing: Yours very truly (business) Yours sincerely (social) speaking to Mrs. Bemis introducing or referring to Mrs. Bemis note: The younger sons of a Viscount and their wives also have the title Honourable. The daughters of a Viscount take the title Honourable with their Christian and family names. whiting to The Honourable Gladys Bemis Local address Letter opening: Madam: (business) Dear Miss Bemis: (social) Closing: Yours very truly (business) Yours sincerely (social) speaking to Miss Bemis


INTRODUCING OR REFERRING TO Miss Bemis


A BARON note: A Baron is addressed as “Lord” never as Baron. writing to The Right Honourable the Lord Lancer (business) or The Lord Lancer (social) Local address Letter opening: Sir: (business) Dear Lord Lancer: (social) Closing: Yours very truly (business) Yours sincerely (social) speaking to Lord Lancer introducing or referring to Lord Lancer


A BARONESS note: A Baroness in her own right has the title Baroness but may also be addressed as Lady. The wife of a Baron who is not a Baroness in her own right is addressed only as Lady. writing to The Right Honourable the Baroness Lancer (business) or The Baroness Lancer or The Lady Lancer: (social) Letter opening: Madam: (business) Dear Baroness (or Lady) Lancer: (social) Closing: Yours very truly (business) Yours sincerely (social)


A BARONESS (not in her own right) writing to The Right Honourable the Lady McGuiness (business) or The Lady McGuiness (social) Local address Letter opening: Madam: (business) Dear Lady McGuiness: (social) Closing: Yours very truly (business) Yours sincerely (social) speaking to Lady McGuiness introducing or referring to Lady Mc Guiness


CORRESPONDENCE THE CHILDREN OF A BARON note: All the sons of a Baron and their wives have the title Honourable. The daughters of a Baron also have the title Honourable.


A BARONET note: A Baronet has the title Sir and the abbreviation for Baronet (Bart, or Bt.) follows his name. writing to Sir Thomas Riddle, Bart. Local address Letter opening: Dear Sir: (business) Dear Sir Thomas: (social) Closing: Yours very truly (business) Yours sincerely (social) speaking to Sir Thomas introducing or referring to Sir Thomas Riddle


THE WIFE OF A BARONET note: The wife of a Baronet has the title Lady with her husband's surname only. writing to Lady Riddle Local address Letter opening: Dear Madam: (business) Dear Lady Riddle: (social) Closing: Yours very truly (business) Yours sincerely (social) speaking to Lady Riddle introducing or referring to Lady Riddle note: The sons and daughters of a Baronet have no title.


DOWAGER note: The term “Dowager” is used as part of a title in England to indicate the earliest surviving widow of a preceding peer. She is known as the Dow- ager Duchess of Wickham. A later surviving widow who might be the widow of the first earl's son, nephew, etc. would be known as Mary, Duchess of Wickham, retaining this usage for life even if the Dowager dies.


A KNIGHT note: A Knight has the title Sir and the initials of his order or orders of knighthood, if any, follow his name. writing to Sir John Waugh, G.C. M.G. Local address
Letter opening: Dear Sir: (business) Dear Sir John: (social) Closing: Yours very truly (business) Yours sincerely (social) speaking to Sir John introducing or referring to Sir John Waugh


THE WIFE OF A KNIGHT note: The wife of a Knight has the title Lady with her husband's surname only. writing to Lady Waugh Local address


Letter opening: Dear Madam: (business) Dear Lady Waugh: (social) Closing: Yours very truly (business) Yours sincerely (social) speaking to Lady Waugh


INTRODUCING OR REFERRING TO Lady Waugh


—From “Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette : A Guide to Gracious Living,” 1957

👑Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia