Etiquette: Hold the Chicken Salad

“The year was 1919. 18-year-old copywriter, Lillian Eichler, was working for the New York Ad Agency of Ruthrauff & Ryan. Her first problem: To move 1,000 dusty copies of the pre-1900, Encyclopedia of Etiquette, written by Emily Holt, which were sitting on Doubleday’s shelves. Her second problem: Most of the 1,000 copies were returned after the 5-day-trial period. Respondents weren’t thrilled with the ludicrously archaic text and pictures. Lillian’s ad copy had emptied the shelves in mere days. Doubleday, being the smart publishers they were, realized if Lillian’s ad copy could move 19th-Century books, she was probably gifted enough to rewrite the book herself and have a second go at advertising it. The result: Lillian’s revamped effort, The Book of Etiquette, sold two million copies at $2 each, in the course of two years, resulting in $2.5 million in net profits. Nearly $26 million in 2008 dollars.
All inspired by the wish to unload a roomful of dusty books…and the vision of a young copywriter. Reading this copy, (in 2008) it’s stunning to realize it came from the pen of an 18-year-old girl, nearly 90 years ago.” — From Info Marketing Blog

When I saw the advertisement above for the first time, featuring a newly published, two-volume book of etiquette from the early 1900s, I smiled. I’m not a fan of chicken salad, but Lillian Eichler has always been one of my favorite writers of etiquette. The advertisement is, in itself, famous. It was created by a teenaged, Lillian Eichler, and was wildly successful. Selling more of the dusty etiquette books and anyone had dreamed possible.

I regularly use little stories when teaching etiquette, and this advertisement Lillian created always acts as a wonderful intro to a story from my own life. I share the story with kids, young adults and adults alike. I use it to illustrate a point about good manners and tact when invited out to eat. It involves looking for cues and clues of what to do in different situations when one is a guest. I believe Lillian Eichler would approve.

The story goes like this: Years ago my mother called to say that my grandmother, her mother, wanted to take all of the ladies in the family to lunch in celebration of the upcoming Mother’s Day. When I was growing up, we frequently had seasonal “Ladies’ Lunches” at one of my aunts' homes, or in our home. I even hosted a few after getting married and starting my new family. This was the first time a restaurant was suggested, and my mother said that grandma was insisting on paying for everyone’s lunch.

My grandmother was on a fixed income after my grandfather passed away. It was very small, so I immediately questioned the generous offer. My mother told me that she and her sisters had both pointed that fact out to their mother, but grandma was insistent. She also chose the restaurant she wanted to take us to, and it was not known for its low prices.

When we arrived at the restaurant and were seated at our table, we were handed our menus. Within a nano-second, one of our party (either oblivious to grandma’s financial situation or just sharing her enthusiasm for her favorite dish) said, “Ooooh.... they have the best prime rib here!” while opening her menu.

Before I could nudge her under the table and give her a look usually reserved for my children and students, my grandmother quickly closed her menu, the faux leather menu holder practically snapping everyone to attention. “I think we should all have the Chicken Salad,” she said. The guest itching for the prime rib seemed to deflate right before my eyes and closed her menu along with everyone else at the table. Everyone at the table except for me.

Third from right, standing next to my grandmother, in a 1980 snap after one of our seasonal lunches.

I was never a fan of Chicken Salad, but I certainly knew a cue from a hostess when I heard one. I just happened to have the menu open to the page with the featured luncheon salads. I quickly looked down at the price of the Chicken Salad. Way back then it was $6.95, so I needed to work within that “price point.” I spotted a Cesar Salad for $5.95, and said, “You know... I think I'd like the Cesar Salad instead. As I recall it is fairly good here.”

Grandma’s eyes got big and looking a bit ruffled, she quickly reopened her menu. She spotted the salad’s lower price, and said very enthusiastically, “That is a good choice!” Everyone else was reopening their menus, and perusing the salads priced $6.95 or less, while I quietly closed mine.

The luncheon turned out to be a fun affair, with all of us enjoying our salads and chatting away about how we needed to get together more often. I am not sure how many in our party wound up with the suggested Chicken Salad, but the bill was rather low and we convinced grandma to at least allow us to each chip in a small amount for the tip. There was also a surprise dessert that arrived at the table for each of us. No one confessed to ordering it, but I have always had my suspicions.

We haven’t had a “Ladies Luncheon” in several years now, what with grandma gone since 1999, all of us spread out in several states, and some of us younger ladies even becoming grandmas ourselves. I will always have sweet memories of the luncheons though, and even have a great instructional tale for my etiquette students and future generations to learn from, about reading and following a host’s or hostess’ cues. — By Site Editor, Maura J. Graber, a version of this article ran in the Etiquette Sleuth Blog, in 2016

Contributor, and Site Editor, Maura Graber has been teaching etiquette to children, teens and adults, and training new etiquette instructors, for close to 40 years, as founder and director of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette. She is also a writer, has been featured in countless newspapers, magazines and television shows and was an on-air contributor to PBS in Southern California for 15 years. She has written several books including, “What Have We Here?: The Etiquette and Essentials of Lives Once Lived, from the Georgian Era through the Gilded Age and Beyond...” on dining etiquette history and the art of fine dining, which are available on Amazon.

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and “Being Agreeable”

Miss Una Ware looks agreeable, but Mrs. Gorham Ware does not look agreeable when meeting Mr. Bessemer Steele

Why should we know the laws of etiquette? Why should we know the way to do and say things? Why should we be agreeable? These are questions that will undoubtedly arise in the mind of the young man or woman who is eager to cultivate and refine his or her manner and speech. The answer is: to make one's own life happier – to bring into it a new sunshine, a new joy of living that was not even dreamed of when the mind and spirit were shrouded in the gloom of discourtesy, coarseness and vulgarity.

For how can the boor be happy? With his gloomy face, sour disposition,complaining habits and inherent lack of good taste and culture, he sees only theshadows of life. People are repulsed by him, never attracted. Brilliant men and women, people of refinement and taste, will have nothing to do with him. He lives his own life – his ill-bred, complaining, gloomy, companionless life – an outcast from that better society of which we all long to be a part.

Culture and cheer go hand-in-hand. The cultured man or woman is alwayscheerful, always finding something good and beautiful in all mankind and nature. Cheerfulness itself means poise -a wholesome, happy, undaunted poise that makes life well-balanced and worth the living. The person of low, vulgar tastes and desires is seldom contented, seldom happy. He finds everywhere evil, ugliness, selfishness, and a tendency for the world generally to degrade itself to the lower levels of coarseness. He finds it because he looks for it. And he looks for it because it already exists in his mind.

And yet, he may be educated; he may be a recognized power in the financial world; he may even possess enviable talents. But if he lacks that glorious open-hearted generosity, that sincere sympathy and simple understanding with all mankind, that helpful, healthful, ever-inspiring agreeableness of mind and spirit – the world will have none of him.

The man who feels constantly grieved and injured at some injustice, real or imaginary, is sacrificing some of the best things life has to offer. He does not know what it means to be greeted with a smile of pleasure and a warm handclasp. He does not know what it means to be taken whole-heartedly into one's confidence, to be relied upon, to be appealed to. He does not know what it means, in his hours of darkest adversity, to receive the genuine sympathy and encouragement of a friend.

But with culture, with development of mind and spirit, with the desire to adhere truly to society’s laws and regard as inviolable the rights of others, there comes a new understanding of human relationship. Where once everything seemed narrow and selfish, one now sees love and beauty and helpfulness. Instead of harsh words and unkind glances, there are words of cheer and encouragement, smiles of friendliness and understanding. The world that once seemed coarse, shallow and unpolished, seems now strangely cordial and polite. – Lillian Eichler, 1921

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Opera and Theatre Etiquette

Still another little blunder illustrated here is the program on the edge of the box. If this program fluttered to the stage during the performance it would spoil the presentation, and would be unkind and inconsiderate toward the players.

Do not make the mistake of retaining an impression of the picture shown here as the correct way for men and women to appear in the theatre or opera box. Several blunders are illustrated.

There is the matter of dress, for instance. Three people in the party are in full evening dress; the man using the opera glasses is in his business suit. And the same man is still further illustrating his lack of good taste by studying the people in the audience through his glasses.

Assuming that the four people have come to the theatre together, they are incorrectly seated. The two seats in front should be occupied by the women, while the men should be seated where the women now are. No well-bred man ever sits with his back to a woman in his party, nor does he sit with his legs conspicuously crossed and his hands in his pockets as does the man in our picture above.

Still another little blunder illustrated here is the program on the edge of the box. If this program fluttered to the stage during the performance it would spoil the presentation, and would be unkind and inconsiderate toward the players. If it fell directly on the audience below, it would annoy someone and disturb the people around. The correct place for the program is in one's lap. — From Lillian Eichler’s “Etiquette Problems in Pictures,” 1922

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of Entertaining Visitors

Whether the party is formal or informal depends entirely upon circumstances and requirements, as well as the personal taste of the hostess, when her out-of town visitor is to meet her friends. Well she knows the heart-warming influence of a cup of tea and the friendliness of a fat tea-urn!

Wise in the ways of entertaining, the clever hostess gives an afternoon tea on the day that her out-of town visitor is to meet her friends. Well she knows the heart-warming influence of a cup of tea and the friendliness of a fat tea-urn! The illustration opposite aptly portrays the jolly, informal type of tea party at which out-of-town guests are entertained. Of course, whether the party is formal or informal depends entirely upon circumstances and requirements, as well as the personal taste of the hostess.

The hostess who is entertaining a visitor from another town, and who desires to make her stay as pleasant and agreeable as possible, may give a theatre party to which a group of interesting men and women are invited. The theatre party may be followed by a dinner at her home or at a hotel.

It is not good form to make a round of calls on one's friends and acquaintances with the sole purpose of presenting the out-of-town visitor. In fact, the hostess may not attend any social function with her visiting guest unless an invitation is included for this guest also. However, she may, if she wishes, advise the friend from whom she has received an invitation that an out-of-town guest is with her and request that she, too, be invited. – From Lillian Eichler’s “Etiquette Problems in Pictures,” 1922

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia