When Tech and Old Etiquette Intersect

Today's invitations arrive through text messages, email, social media, or digital RSVP platforms instead of wax-sealed envelopes. Yet one simple courtesy remains just as important: respond.

Your Digital RSVP Is Older and More Important Than You Think

When was the last time you received a dinner invitation by text or email ? 

Now, when was the last time you actually replied?

Long before text messages, dinner invitations were handwritten and delivered by hand. Hosts expected a response—not because they were trying to be formal, but because they needed to know how many guests to prepare for.

The word etiquette itself comes from the French word for "label" or "ticket." One popular story traces it to the Palace of Versailles, where signs, called étiquettes, helped direct guests and establish expectations. Over time, the word became associated with the rules that helped society function smoothly.

Although our invitations have changed, the purpose behind them hasn't.

Today's invitations arrive through text messages, email, social media, or digital RSVP platforms instead of wax-sealed envelopes. Yet one simple courtesy remains just as important: respond.

A quick "Yes, I'd love to come" or "Thank you, but I can't make it" helps your host plan food, seating, and the overall experience for everyone attending.

A "Maybe" may seem harmless, but it often leaves a host waiting, guessing, and unable to finalize their plans.

Etiquette has never been about being old-fashioned or overly formal. It's about making other people feel respected and considered.

Technology will continue to evolve. Good manners don't.

The next time your phone buzzes with an invitation, remember: an RSVP isn't just a button to click—it's a small act of courtesy that has connected hosts and guests for centuries.

 

Meet our newest contributor, Eileen Copeland. Eileen is the founder of Southern California Etiquette™, a modern etiquette and social refinement platform which explores dining culture, hosting, presentation, and contemporary social behavior. A native Southern Californian, Eileen’s background includes executive and personal 

assisting, real estate, wellness, modeling, beauty, and luxury client services. Married for over 15 years, Eileen is a mother of two and grandmother of two, whose broad experiences, including living internationally for nearly a decade, helped shape her appreciation for culture, hospitality, and refined living. She shares life with her husband, her mini Goldendoodle, Teddy, and Luna, her sphynx cat, while continuing her etiquette studies under mentor Maura Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette. You can reach her at Southern California Etiquette.

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

“Etiquette” Origins in Pantry

Some believe that it may stem from the Greek word Etichos meaning rank; others, that it may derive from a Latin legal phrase.

FROM PENNY’S PANTRY: The origins of the word etiquette is obscure. Some believe that it may stem from the Greek word Etichos meaning rank; others, that it may derive from a Latin legal phrase. The immediate origin is French. Etiquettes were tickets placed on packages and legal documents to indicate contents. Later they were written instructions for behavior in the presence of royalty. In time the word came to stand for behavior. 

Historically, the origin of table etiquette is found in the pre-historic age. Table manners were born when man began to eat together, and they have been struggling to survive ever since. The table manners we use today have been a long time in production, centuries as a parallel development of the widespread adoption of individual appointments.

Henry VII is responsible for the baker's dozen. He ordered bakers who sold underweight loaves to be beheaded; so to save their necks they started adding an extra loaf to an order of 12.

Pilgrim women, being English ladies, had an English liking for preserved and stewed fruit. They cooked wild red berries in water, added sweetening and called it cranberry sauce.— By Penny Gardner P.D. Food Editor Press Democrat, 1963

Reminder: We have a free webinar on Dining According to Hollywood and Dining Etiquette as Presented on Film! You can watch it live on September 23rd at 4:00 pm PST (Pacific Standard Time). We have a limited number of viewers who can attend via Zoom, however, if you are registered and cannot watch the event live, you’ll be sent a video link to watch a copy at your leisure. Link to the Free Webinar –– https://events.humanitix.com/dining-according-to-hollywood-the-art-of-dining-on-film Please email any questions to: theetiquettechannel@gmail.com

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Professional Defines “Etiquette”

A Modern Definition of Etiquette

Recently on the Merriam-Webster Dictionary online, the featured Word of the Day was “etiquette.”  Their definition reads: “The conduct or procedure required by good breeding or prescribed by authority to be observed in social or official life.”

While this definition may be accurate, its context is more appropriate for another era.  So, how do we define “etiquette” in 2019?

A Little History

The word “etiquette” originated from the French word “estiquette” meaning “ticket” or “label.”  It references the custom of a king setting forth ceremonial rules to be observed by members of the court. 

Now, as then, etiquette is about the ways we show up recognizably respectful in our behaviors.  It is a reflection of the times yet, at its core, are the principles of good manners: respect, courtesy, tact, restraint, self-command, and responsibility.

Proper Behaviors

Etiquette rules have always existed.  Like us, they have evolved with changes in society and technology.  The "how-to's" and "when-to's" of etiquette change over time, though the need for etiquette know-how does not.    

A friend of mine on Facebook, Tom W. Bell, wrote to me: “Etiquette comes not so much from lifting your pinkie as from lifting others’ spirits.”

Though there are ways of holding and not holding objects properly, and ways of doing things that are recognized by others as exhibiting good manners, etiquette's inspiration is always about connecting with others, acting in ways that help them to feel welcome and accepted.

The guidelines are the tangibles of how it looks to others to show up in integrity.  When you are mindful of where you are and who you are with, have an awareness of what is socially acceptable, and act with a kind heart, you will be able to solve for particular situations harmoniously.

Etiquette is not about putting on airs, but is not without pretense.  However – pretense of the good kind.  As in when you’re making it possible for something real and beneficial to happen.  You might not feel like being kind or courteous, but you are anyway.  When you take an action of kindness in one moment, you’ll never be sorry in the next.

Etiquette in 2019

Etiquette is a set of guidelines for expected social behavior.  We share a world with other people and etiquette assumes a commitment to personal responsibility and civility. 

Etiquette is ongoing learning through the practice of: 

• Personal greetings, introductions and interactions.
• Virtual and electronic greetings, introductions, and interactions.
• Casual and formal dining skills; socializing when food is involved.
• Self-presentation skills.
• Conversation and communication skills.
• Personal and social space considerations.
• Inviting, including , and thanking others.

With these considerations, my working definition of etiquette is:
The mindful, personal , and intentional practice of creating respectful, kind and orderly interactions within family, social, professional, educational, neighborly and public environments.

Examples:

• Listening to understand. 
• Being sincere, authentic and tactful.
• Seeking win-win situations. 
• Helping others feel welcome and comfortable.
• Eating and sharing a meal in an orderly fashion.
• Sending acknowledgments and Thank You's.
• Encouraging others.
• Opening doors for others.
• Offering your seat on a crowded train.
• Being forgiving.
• Offering to help your co-worker finish an overdue task.
• Embracing differences. 
• Ensuring that letters, emails, texts, and social media posts are clear, concise, and kind.
• Taking responsibility for your words and actions, including apologizing for mistakes.
• Excluding no one from kindness.

Am I practically perfect at this?  Heavens No!  But, like you, I am aiming! 

Living an etiquette-ful life is at the foundation of maintaining a free and civil society.  It is never legislated and is open to every individual to choose. 

Contributor, Candace Smith is retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia©️ Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette's Ancient Global History

During the reign of Louis XIV, the behavior at French Court functions, if correct, was “according to the ticket.” 

On Manners of Other Days

Etiquette is a French word which means simply "ticket" or "label." During the reign of Louis XIV (1643-1715) the functions at the French Court were so elaborate, that it became necessary to give every visitor a ticket (une étiquette) on which were listed the formalities he was expected to observe. Thus, his behavior, if correct, was "according to the ticket." It is in the sense that we have taken the word in the English and it is become to mean a code of conduct or behavior that is considered socially correct.

But long before the French Court in all its complexity adopted this device, in fact long before Western civilization came into being, ancient philosophers were concerned with man's conduct in relation to his fellows. No people have ever paid close closer attention to the matter of formal courtesy than the ancient Chinese. 

The "Li Ki," compiled by Confucius over twenty five hundred years ago, says, "Of all the methods for the ordering of man, there is none more urgent than the use of ceremonies." Yet Confucius, who was a stickler for the proprieties of social custom, cautioned against letting behavior become too elaborate. "In this matter of rituals and ceremonies," he wrote, "rather then be extravagant, be simple."

There are numerous other examples from the Chinese, many of which are so solidly founded in common sense that they apply today. For example, Chuang Tse (fifth century B.C.) said simply: "If you are always offending others by your superiority, you will come to grief. Trying to make of the customs of Chu succeed in Lu is like pushing a boat on land." To Chuang Tse society was "an agreement between a certain number of families and individuals to abide by certain customs."

The ancient sacred books of the Hindus and Buddhists also contain many excellent rules for behavior, some of which sound so modern that they might appear in one of today's etiquette columns. One of these cautions us against picking our teeth, blowing our noses loudly, yawning without covering our mouths, and biting our nails.                    

Eleanor Roosevelt pictured on her  1962, “Common Sense Book of Etiquette”

I was told as a child that it was discourteous to eat everything on my plate when I was a guest. To do so was an indication of greediness and implied that the hostess have not provided enough to eat. Indian children were told the same thing nearly two thousand years ago, for one of the Puranas cautions: "No man should eat so as nothing will be left of his meal."— Eleanor Roosevelt, 1962

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette, Manners and Etymology

The etymology of the term points to society, and the true source of grace and refinement of manners and character.

Etymology of the Word “Polite”

Polite and politeness are terms etymologically relating to a city. “Polis” was a city in Greece, and “Polites” a citizen. Cultivated manners distinguished the citizen from the rude countryman. A “Citizcu” was a polite man. The etymology of the term points to society, and the true source of grace and refinement of manners and character.


Isolation fosters selfishness and boorish habits. Mingling with our fellow beings, we are led to study our relations to them, and what is due to them, and deport ourselves accordingly. True politeness embraces the duties and deportment we owe to those around us. It is justice and benevolence embodied or acted out. Mere artificial manners, or heartless etiquette, is not politeness.

Romper Room's "Do Bees" were being polite and knew their etiquette!

Etymology of the Word “Etiquette”

“Etiquette” 

Etiquette is a French word which originally meant a label indicating tho price or quality, the English "ticket," and in Old French was usually specialized to mean a soldier's bille 

The phrase "that's the ticket" shows the change to the present meaning of manners according to code. Burke solemnly explained that "etiquette had its original application to those ceremonies and formal observances practiced at courts. The term came afterward to signify certain formal methods used in the transactions between sovereign states. The Amador Ledger, 1907

And

“Etiquette”

To the French we owe the word etiquette, and it is amusing to discover its origin in the commonplace familiar warning— “Keep off the grass.” It happened in the reign of Louis XIV, when the gardens of Versailles were being laid out, that the master gardener, an old Scotsman, was sorely tried because his newly seeded lawns were being continually trampled upon. To keep trespassers off, he put up warning signs or tickets--etiquettes— on which was indicated the path along which to pass. But the courtiers paid no attention to these directions and so the determined Scot complained to the King in such convincing manner that His Majesty issued an edict commanding everyone at Court to “keep within the etiquettes.” From "Manners and Morals" Richard Duffy, 1922

And

et•i•quette (ˈɛt ɪ kɪt, -ˌkɛt) noun.1. conventional requirements as to proper social behavior.
2. a prescribed code of usage in matters of ceremony: court etiquette.3. the code of ethical behavior among the members of a profession: medical etiquette.[1740–50; < French étiquette, Middle French estiquette ticket, memorandum, derivative of estiqu(i)er to attach < Germanic] From Random House Kernerman Webster's College Dictionary, © 2010

Etiquette- 

This may have come natural to the ancients, for it is of Teut. origin. (Remember the story of the old man who walked through the crowded Athenian bleachers at a stadium ; when he came to the Spartan section, the men rose as one, to offer him a seat — whereupon the Athenians applauded. When they were still again, a man from Thessaly observed : “The Athenians recognize virtue; the Spartans practice it.”) From the Dictionary of Word Origins Joseph T. Shipley 1937

“Good Manners” ~ An Exhaustive Common Sense Work

Etymology of the Word “Manners”

The Root of “Manners” is “Hand” Middle English manere, from Old French maniere, from feminine of manier, handmade, skillful, from Vulgar Latin *manuārius, convenient, handy, from Latin, of the hand, from manus, hand; see man-2 in Indo-European roots.

That speaks volumes about manners to HAND-le with skill. From freedictionary.com 

“Manners” 

The manner of doing something is via Fr. maniire, from LL. manuarius, be- longing to the hand. Manual, both as a handbook, and in manual labor, is from the same source. Emancipate is a bit more roimdabout, dating from the days when the parent had power over the son: only the head of the family could acquire property: L. manceps, mancip — , one that acquires property, from manu-]rcapere, capt—, to tala by hand (whence also capture, captivate, etc...   Captive and caitiff are doublets, from L. captivus, from capt — . Captain is from from quite other source ; see achieve.) : ex, out, whence emancipare, emancipat — , to take from the property holder. From the Dictionary of Word Origins Joseph T. Shipley 1937

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia