Etiquette Make’s One a Finer Person

Marjabelle Young Stewart’s photo from the back of her 1969 book, ‘Stand Up, Shake Hands, Say “How Do You Do”’

Good etiquette is just a sense, in a matter of speaking

She was the “Empress of Etiquette,” the “Queen of Courtesy” to her legions of readers. She was a protegee of Mrs. Meriwether Post and Mamie Eisenhower, and frequent guest at the White House. She moved from the nation’s capital to the “hog capital of the world” 37 years ago. Marjabelle Young Stewart reigned over her etiquette empire with books, videos, lectures and interviews with no hint of slowing down. With 21 books to her credit, in 2005 she was promoting “The Complete Wedding Planner.” 

According to Stewart at that time, etiquette books were outselling cookbooks. Her message was simple and consistent: Etiquette is a key to clear communication, a protocol for professional success, a tool for a happy and productive life. “Etiquette can take you where you want to go faster than a speeding BMW,” she said. “Good manners take you places money can't.” Etiquette is also the common-sense nuts and bolts of life. “Don't end up at the wedding with a wad of soggy, wet Kleenex. Be sure to take a lace-edged hankie,” she admonished. Stewart said her knowledge of etiquette started with on-the-job training. “I went from a 17-year-old girl in Council Bluffs, Iowa, to the wife of an international scientist in Washington, D.C.,” she said. “I became a ‘sipper.’ I'd sip my drink and look over and see what fork or spoon others at the table were using. It was on-the-job training at the highest level.” 

Mellowed by decades of weddings, state dinners and formal entertaining, Stewart said the ultimate goal of etiquette is to make others feel comfortable. She recalled a White House dinner with then-President George H.W. Bush, father of the current president, and his guests from Asia, where the custom is to serve a clear broth at the end of the meal. When White House staff served finger bowls at the end of the meal, guests were startled to see the Asian diplomats pick up the finger bowls and drink the contents. Without hesitation, Bush picked up his finger bowl and toasted his American guests, indicating they should follow suit. Everyone at the table drank the contents of their finger bowls. “That is etiquette,” said Stewart. 

“Etiquette is knowledge, not to criticize others with or to put on airs, but to make you a finer person. Use etiquette to make your family and friends, acquaintances and colleagues feel like royalty.” — From an article by Clare Howard, for the Copley News Service, 2005

Marjabelle Young Stewart died in 2007

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Menu Etiquette

“Escargots” sounds more palatable than “snails,” oui? – For well over a century and a half, the etiquette has been that formal dinner menu cards in the United States are to be written in French. This rule remains in many etiquette books today, although White House State Dinners, under the Clinton Administration, dropped the French menu terminology in the 1990’s and began listing the foods in English.

 French Food Names

It is unfortunate that a prejudice exists against the high-sounding names given to some delicious dishes of a simple character. Naturally, Americans would prefer to see all titles written in the English language, but the fact that a French name has been applied for convenience should not deter people from reading a receipt and ascertaining the nature of the dish to be made by following it. Most of the formidable titles with which one meets, have been given to commemorate the inventors of the dishes or some popular place. An example is “Fillet of beef à la Chateaubriand,” which stands for tenderloin steak, served with a rich, brown sauce – an excellent dish. 

One of the most delicious sauces for fish, Bechamel sauce, is probably not nearly so well known as it would be, but for its French name; yet it is simple and exceedingly useful. As said above, then, a foreign name should be no bar to experiments, for the English equivalent or interpretation might be absurdly long and complicated, and the dish would be none the simpler. 

Speaking of sauce brings to mind the old saying, that “the sauce makes the pudding.” It may be added that it makes the fish and meat, also. Fish always requires a sauce to bring out its best flavor; nevertheless, the art of making sauces is not extensively cultivated. It should be, in company with the making of soups and salads and good bread, the cooking of fish, meats and vegetables, and last, though certainly not least, the making of a cup of perfect tea or coffee.— Good Housekeeping, 1885

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Hosting Fasting Guest

Prime Minister Modi was in the middle of a nine-day religious fast, a practice that reportedly limits his intake to water and lime. How was a dinner to be hosted in his honor? — According to HinduWebsite.com, “Fasting in Hinduism is a declaration of faith and resolve and way to build character, strength and purity as part of one’s preparation for liberation. It is also helpful to restrain the mind and the senses and practice detachment, austerity and self-control. The Hindu Law Books such as the  Manusmriti prescribe for both men and women elaborate rules and procedures to practice fasting on specific occasions. They also consider fasting a meritorious deed or good karma.”

 Prime Minister, Shri Narendra Modi, in New Delhi on August 08, 2019 

Photo source, Wikimedia Commons

An Indian leader’s fast was etiquette question for a dinner at the White House

Reporting from Washington —


White House visits from foreign leaders regularly bring up delicate questions of etiquette and protocol. Just in the past year, a small team of experts at the White House has had to figure out whom to seat next to the newly single French president, for example. And they’ve fielded questions over how to greet a leader’s wife when that leader is a polygamist.

Next week, the team faces one of its more unusual challenges: how to host a dinner for a man who isn’t eating.

The prime minister of India, Narendra Modi, is due at the White House on Monday for his first visit with President Obama. The White House is planning a dinner for the leaders and other top officials to honor his arrival. Modi is in the middle of a nine-day religious fast, a practice that reportedly limits his intake to water and lime.

That could make for an awkward evening Monday as the president and others start eating. But officials say they’ve got it covered, though they have not been specific about how.

“We obviously try to be respectful of the needs of all of the high-profile visitors that come to the White House and to be respectful of their observances,” White House spokesman Josh Earnest said Friday.

Earnest suggested the dinner would be more focused on the conversation than the food and would not require the president to dine alone.

“It’s my understanding that we’re talking about a working dinner with a substantial number of people around the table,” Earnest said. “If Prime Minister Modi or other members who are participating in that working dinner choose not to eat based on their own religious or cultural observance, then we’ll certainly work to accommodate their needs as best we can.”— K. Hennessy for the Los Angeles Times, 2014

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

White House Smoking Etiquette

A place setting from the Lyndon Johnson Presidential Administration (1963 — 1969) complete with the required ashtrays, White House matches and holders of cigarettes flanking the floral arrangement.  — At State Dinners and home dinners, smoking at meals was so commonplace, the 1940’s Sunset “Host and Hostess” book on entertaining cautioned that for a properly set dining table, each place setting needed an ashtray, no less than 3 cigarettes, and matches or a lighter. It wasn’t until the Clinton administration, that smoking was banned in the White House at the dining tables.

Smoke When They Please, Hang The Protocol at the White House

Washington (UPI) 

Backstairs at the White House: Be it a sign of less respect for strictly formal etiquette or the informality of the ‘New Frontier,’ but guests at White House State Dinners these days— some guests, at least— seem to smoke when they please and hang the protocol. It once was rigid custom that guests smoked only late in the dinner, certainly not until after the entree, and to be completely safe, not until the champagne was served before dessert. 

In the Truman administration, for example, smoking at formal dinners was controlled rather simply — no ash trays. When the time came for smoking, waiters placed ash trays along the glittering banquet tables. At one of the first Truman dinners, the wife of a new cabinet officer lit up right after the soup and discovered, to her horror, there was no place for ashes except the hallowed, historic dinner china or the floor. A stern butler let her collect ashes in her hand for a few minutes, then marched up disdainfully and relieved her of the smoldering butt. 

The Eisenhowers put ash trays on the table, with small dishes of cigarettes, but since neither the President nor his wife smoked, it was hard to watch them for guidance. Occasionally, late in a dinner, either the former President or his wife Mamie, would tell those nearest them to smoke if they wished. At some of the more recent functions given for visiting heads of state by President and Mrs. Kennedy, however, several guests started smoking early in the proceedings. 

At the recent dinner for Sudan President Ibrahim Abboud, several guests lighted cigarettes moments after they were seated, even before the dinner actually began. They apparently spotted raised eyebrows and doused the cigarettes quickly. The President does not smoke at the table. He lights up when he goes into the adjoining red, green, or blue rooms for coffee and liqueurs after dinner. 

The more valorous protocol would indicate no smoking until a host or hostess gives some indication, but it may be that with a growing climate of informality not only in Washington, but other gathering places of prominent people, the sin of smoking before the entree is becoming less heinous. The Kennedy’s, early in their White House career, stopped the long established custom of splitting the men and women into carefully segregated groups after dinner for brandy and cigars in one room, creme de menthe, frappe and cigarets in the other.— By Merriman Smith, White House Reporter, 1961

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia Etiquette Encyclopedia

Washington State Dinner Procedure

The question of official rank and procedure upon occasions of receptions and more especially at dinner parties, is one of the most perplexing, as well as one of the most necessary, for newcomers in Washington to master in an understanding manner. 

The President's place at table on the occasion of a State Dinner is the middle seat on the north side of the table. The place for his wife is directly facing him across the board on the south side of the table. The seats on the right and left of the President and his wife, are the especial places of honor. It is etiquette for the guests to remain standing until the President and his wife are seated. At a State Dinner it is the duty of the President’s wife to make the move to indicate that the dinner is at an end. Until such move has been made the guests must remain seated. 

The question of official rank and procedure upon occasions of receptions and more especially at dinner parties, is one of the most perplexing, as well as one of the most necessary, for newcomers in Washington to master in an understanding manner. At a State Dinner given by the President to the Cabinet, the place of honor is given the Vice-President, and the second to the Secretary of State. At a dinner at which the guests include the members of the Cabinet and the Chief Justice, the latter can, with propriety, be seated between the Secretary of the Interior and the Secretary of Agriculture. 

Generally, this is not done, but if so desired, the seating at the dinner can be thus arranged, for the reason that the law regulating the Presidential succession was passed prior to the creation of the office of Secretary of Agriculture. As a consequence the latter is not in the line of Presidential succession, and at a dinner to the Cabinet the Chief Justice is entitled to rank him. The Vice President ranks the Chief Justice at a dinner party, as well as upon all other state occasions. Should it happen that at a Cabinet dinner, at which the President, the Vice President and the Secretary of State were present, the guests including an Ambassador, the foreigner is entitled to rank the Secretary of State. 

At an unofficial party at which a member of the Cabinet or of the Supreme Court is present, the place of honor must be given the official as a mark of proper respect for the office represented. Too much care cannot be exercised in this respect. In the event of a host or a hostess being perplexed on this subject, a plan of the table should be drawn, and, together with a list of the guests, submitted to one of the officials of the private secretaries at the White House.

The President of the United States when entering a carriage, irrespective of who may be his companion, must always enter the carriage first and occupy the seat at the right hand. This etiquette is exactly the reverse of that for any other official of the United States. Should the President be accompanied by his wife and a third person, the wife must occupy the seat beside the President, and the third person ride upon the opposite seat. The President’s wife in driving with a friend, irrespective of the official or social standing of that friend, must always follow the rule for the President in entering the carriage first and of occupying the seat of honor on the right. 

It is etiquette to remain standing in the presence of the President or the mistress of the White House, as long as either of them stands. When, however, the mistress of the White House invites a guest to sit or to remain after a reception and take part in any informal entertainment that may follow, such invitation is in the nature of a command. In addition to the state receptions, it is customary for the wife of the President to designate certain Saturday afternoons during the season upon which, from 3 to 5 oclock, the general public is received. These receptions are not obligatory upon the wife of the President, and can, upon her discretion, be altogether omitted from the season’s program. – Sacramento Daily News, 1897

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Punctilious White House Etiquette

Washington D.C.’s social etiquette was changed greatly during the first Roosevelt administration. A social secretary for the President’s wife came just in time to help out. Isabella Hagner had worked as a social secretary for several women, and among them was Anna Roosevelt Cowles, President Theodore Roosevelt's sister. She was later employed by Mrs.Theodore Roosevelt as the first salaried White House social secretary. 

How the White House Changed Under Theodore Roosevelt 

Under the name of “An Old Resident,” a correspondent of the New York Herald writes extensively of what he declares to be the prevalence of “manners and customs of Courts in favor at the White House.” His statements are in part as follows: 

It is the talk of the clubs in Washington that there is a marked “inching up” toward the manners and customs of Royal Courts at the White House. It is the gossip of the kettledrums that they are at last learning how to do things properly in America. The women buzz over it with delight. They think the more formal a thing is and the more showy its accompaniments, the more desirable it is that it should mark the goings on in the home of the head of the government. And some of them unconsciously speak of him as the “Ruler.” As a matter of fact, the social doings at the White House now, and especially since the verdict of last November, differ in a widely marked degree from anything ever known. 

There is something in the formal etiquette, of the increased gold braid, which hints at a Court rather than the home of the American President. The most remarkable innovation in the White House ceremonies is that of having a constantly increasing number of army and navy officers in attendance. This has been a custom of slow growth. Former Presidents adopted it and then abandoned it, as the custom suited them, and then adopted it again. But it has now increased into proportions so great as to cause widespread comment.  

When Captain Cowles, a brother-in-law of the President, was the President’s aid at the White House he instituted the rule of having everybody arise when the President entered the room and remain standing until the President was seated. On one occasion, at a musicale or tea, he endeavored to put this into effect. Many of the women openly rebelled, and Captain Cowles had to desist in his efforts to have that deference shown to the President. They have adopted a punctiliousness without precedent at the White House under President Roosevelt. 

On state occasions army officers march ahead of the President and lead the way into the dining room. At the table all the guests remain standing until the President is seated. In leaving the table, all guests rise and remain in their places until the President has taken his departure. The President is invariably seated first. This is true not only of state dinners but of private dinners, informal luncheons and family dinners. Not even Mrs. Roosevelt is served first. The rules of the White House in connection with receptions will undoubtedly be more strictly enforced this year than ever. Those governing reporters are very strict. They are required to stand in a given place, and it must be confessed that they are at a disadvantage.

One of the reporters last winter, Miss Margaret Wade, of the Washington Post, declined to stand where she had been told to because her work was interfered with by other women spectators, who were not practicing the newspaper vocation. For this, she was excluded from the White House and has not been there since, nor would she be admitted if she applied. A singular complication now arises from the fact that Miss Made has been appointed social secretary to Mrs. Fairbanks, wife of the Vice-President. 

The custom is being recognized more and more of regarding an invitation or a summons of any kind to the White House as a command. This, of course, is borrowed from Royalty. President McKinley invited Senator Platt, of New York, to the White House near the end of his first term to meet a distinguished company at dinner. Senator Platt did not go. When he was asked why, he pleaded that he had a previous engagement. But so far as known, no person since Mr. Roosevelt has been President, has pleaded any reason other than illness for declining an invitation to dinner or luncheon, and, indeed, there is little doubt that if a plea of a previous engagement were made now the President would resent it. Even the French Ambassador had to call off a dinner on one day's notice because he had been bidden to the White House. – Press Democrat, 1905

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

White House Etiquette and Tone

Hamilton Jordan, President Carter’s “right hand man.” – “The White House yesterday issued a 33-page white paper contradicting a published account of a Jan. 27 barroom occurrence in which presidential aide Hamilton Jordan was slapped by a young woman. The account in Sunday's Washington Post Magazine asserted that Jordan was struck after spitting his drink down the woman's blouse. "I did not say or do anything that night to any woman that was improper, and I categorically deny that I spat my drink on anyone. I did have an unpleasant encounter with a woman at the bar, but it was not precipitated by me of anything that I had done," Jordan said in a statement released by the White House...” – Portion of a Washington Post article, February 21,1978

A Timely Historical Etiquette Post:

“Didn’t You Know, My Dears?” 

WASHINGTON - “You won't find it listed in the U.S. Constitution or in the transition team’s notebook, but one of the highest duties of a new President apparently is to uphold, enhance and adorn the social life of Washington. I am quite sure Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter and all the President’s men scarcely gave that a thought before moving into the White House. Now they are having to give it more time and attention than they would like. Believe me, it is a no-win proposition. I say that because of the latest federal flap over the tavern tribulations of Hamilton Jordan, the President's prominent non-chief of staff and man about town. But Jordan is only a recurring cross the Carters have to bear. 

There have been others and there will be more. For reasons rooted in local tradition, members of the First Family and the White House staff are supposed to be models of decorum and Emily Post etiquette. They are expected to be versed in the social graces and protocol; to remember what to do with a fork and what not to do with a finger bowl; to know when it is all right to go tieless and shoeless; that it is never alright to get pickled in public. This city is as stuffy as any other in America. It has its own ‘standards’ of acceptable conduct, born of a peculiar mixture of politicians, bureaucrats, diplomats, lobbyists and the press, all of whom coexist in a useful but fragile social relationship that is subject to shattering every four years. It does not react warmly to those who buck the system or offend its practitioners. 

Politically speaking, the Carter crowd already has discovered that Washington does not adjust easily to those who come in as ‘outsiders’ and want to stay that way. As even Jordan admits, the Carter administration wasted a lot of valuable momentum its first year because it thought it was unnecessary to first learn how the rest of political Washington works. Socially speaking, the same is true. In its own way, Washington is as provincial as Plains, Ga., although I doubt any of its social lions or lionesses would admit it. Lusting in one’s heart or in private is fine, even for a ranking White House official, but heavens, not in a public place like Sarsfield’s singles’ bar or at a posh Barbara Walters dinner party. The trouble is that Washington expects, even wants, those who live and work in the White House to be like the preacher’s family in a small town: above reproach. The White House is the sun of the local solar system. Everything here revolves around it, socially as well as governmentally. It sets the climate in which Washington lives. But expecting local folk to be always happy with the social tone set by the White House, is as futile as expecting people to be happy about the weather. 

During the Eisenhower years, when I first came here, nobody accused administration officials of risqué behavior. But, my, how they grumbled about the stodginess of the White House social scene. Dullsville was replaced by Camelot when the Kennedys came in. Washington was entranced, intrigued and enlivened by the social style of the young President and his Jacqueline. The Johnsons set a more down-home and boisterous pace, but it was still judged to be within the Washington tradition. The Nixons tried hard but it came off as too much pretension, while the Fords’ social example was rated as sort of a Grand Rapids version of the LBJ era. The social tone being set by the Carters is more permissive, more do-your-own-thing, than Washington society would like. And that goes equally for Amy reading a book at a State Dinner or boozy bar-hopping by Jordan, Jody Powell and top presidential assistants. 

Mr. Carter came to town determined to govern more openly than any president before him. His Cabinet members and high appointees were to have no conflicts of interest, no hidden motives, no cozy deals out of public view. His style of governing was going to be like living in Macy’s window. But Washington, and perhaps a good part of the country, would prefer it if the Carter people would behave in public as though they were living in Macy’s window. Perhaps Mr. Carter is of a mind to insist on that, if only to protect himself from the political embarrassment of social misbehavior. It is not terribly uplifting for the country when the President’s White House legal counsel has to be sent out, on government time, to take a sworn statement from a bartender that the President’s highest assistant did ‘no spitting, no touching’ during an altercation with a young woman at the bar.” – Editorial in The Desert Sun, 1978

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

White House China Etiquette

The White House "China Room" in 1918

The ground floor China Room is where the White House collection of china is kept. Even the earliest Presidents received government funds to purchase state china. However, by a special clause in the appropriation bills, "decayed furnishings" could be sold and the proceeds used to buy replacements. Such "furnishings" included state china, and during the 19th century the cupboards were frequently swept clean and the contents carted off to auction. The money could then be used to order a new china service that better suited the President and his family.

Even into the 20th century, White House china was often given away if it was chipped or broken. Later, Congress passed a law that required that all U.S. Presidential china be kept or destroyed. When new dessert plates for the Johnson administration turned out badly, the White House staff smashed it against a basement wall painted with caricatures of the President's assistants.

Today, nearly all Presidents are represented in the china collection one way or another. And full services suitable for state dinners exist for the B. Harrison, Wilson, F.D. Roosevelt, Truman, L. Johnson, Reagan, and Clinton sets, although the older sets are much smaller than the newer ones and cannot be used for the largest events. Replacement pieces are occasionally ordered for these, as pieces become chipped or broken.

Wilson — 120 settings

F.D. Roosevelt — 120 settings

Truman — 120 settings

L Johnson — 216 settings

Reagan — 220 settings

Clinton — 300 settings

Bush — 320 setting formal set, 75 setting informal set

Above from the White House Museum.Org

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

U.S. State Dinner Etiquette

Grover Cleveland, a bachelor when he first became President, had to depend upon someone other than a wife to preside over the White House during his first administration. His choice was his sister, Rose. Miss Rose Elizabeth Cleveland, was deemed a young woman of “fine culture, high attainments and superior character.”

At a State Dinner, the etiquette of the White House is exactly the reverse of the custom at a private dinner. The guests assemble in the East Room and await the President and his wife, who appear at the stroke of the clock. Woe betide the late guest! He has committed a national or international breach of etiquette.

At the table the President is served first, his wife next, then the guests, in order of precedence. An invitation to the White House is a command, and takes precedence of all others, even of a dinner at one's own house. An infringement of this rule would be regarded as a shocking breach of the amenities. The President's sister may be at the helm of the Whits House, as Mrs. McElroy was during President Arthur's administration, and Miss Rose Cleveland (being a part of Mr. Cleveland's first administration); but her position is never like that of the President's wife.

She has much more latitude, and although she follows in a general way the etiquette laid down for the President's wife, she has by no means the recognised official standing of the "first lady of the land." The younger and more inexperienced a woman is when she enters the White House, the more likely she is to succeed; since she is likely to do as she is told, without presuming to act upon her own judgment. This is one secret of Mrs. Cleveland's success. — The Sausalito News, 1897

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia