Bad Manners Cause for Divorce

Wives beware… any husband, who is even half-way bright, is bound to know that his wife doesn’t consider him worth pleasing if she wears her old clothes and her bad manners for him and carefully hoards her becoming clothes and manners for others! 

WE the Women

A Minneapolis husband, in a cross bill of divorce, claimed his wife wore stockings with runs in them “from ankle to knee”while she had 140 pairs of new ones put away.

Evidently that wife, if the charge is true, just carried to an extreme a mistake that many wives make after a year or two of marriage- the fault of hoarding their most pleasing and personable selves to dazzle outsiders.

Such women don't pay any attention to what they are wearing if they don't count on seeing anyone but their husbands. Only if they expect guests to drop in do they pay attention to what they wear around the house.

They wouldn't think of bothering to have flowers on the dinner table just for their own and their husband's appreciation. They try to set a pretty table only when there are to be guests.

Seek to Impress Others

Their manners-even the simple matter of an unfailing “please” and “thank you” suffer a terrific let-down when there is no one around but their own husbands. But they are always courteous to the people they want to impress.

Such hoarding-even though it is never brought out in a divorce suit-is bound to do a lot to make a marriage lose its charm.

For any husband, who is even half-way bright, is bound to know that his wife doesn’t consider him worth pleasing if she wears her old clothes and her bad manners for him and carefully hoards her becoming clothes and manners for others. – By Ruth Millettt, for Imperial Valley Press, 1944

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Marital and Family Etiquette

Though words may seem little things, and slight attentions almost valueless, yet, depend upon it, they keep the flame bright, especially if they are natural. The children grow up in a better moral atmosphere, and learn to respect their parents, as they see them respecting each other.

Married to Politeness

There is as much of truth, as well as of that kind of philosophy which comes into every-day requisition, helping to strengthen and brighten the ties of social affection, in the subjoined brief article: 

"Will you?" asked a pleasant voice. And the husband answered, "Yes, my dear, with pleasure." It is quietly but heartily said; the tone, the manner, the look, were perfectly natural and very affectionate. We thought, how pleasant that courteous reply; how gratifying it must be to the wife. Many husbands of ten years experience are ready enough with the courtesies of politeness to the young ladies of their acquaintance, while they speak, with abruptness to the wife, and do many rude little things without considering them worth an apology.

The stranger whom they may have seen but yesterday, is listened to with deference, and although the subject may not be of the most pleasant nature, with a ready smile, while the poor wife, if she relates a domestic grievance, is snubbed, or listened to with ill-concealed impatience. Oh, how wrong this is — all wrong. Does she urge some request? "Oh, don't bother me!" cries her gracious lord and master. Does she ask for necessary funds for Susy's shoes or Tommy's hat? "Seems to me you are always wanting money is the handsome retort. Is any little extra demanded by his masculine appetite, it is ordered, not requested. "Look here, I want you to do so and so; just see that it's done;" and off marches Mr. Boor, with a bow and a smile of gentlemanly polish and friendly sweetness for even casual acquaintance he may chance to recognize. When we meet with such thoughtlessness and coarseness, our thoughts revert to the kind voice and gentle manner of the friend who said, "Yes, my dear, with pleasure."

I beg your pardon, comes as readily to his lips, when by any little awkwardness he has disconcerted her, as it would in the presence of the most fashionable stickler for etiquette. This is because he is a thorough gentleman, who thinks his wife in all things entitled to precedence. He loves her best; why should he hesitate to show it, not in sickly, and maudlin attentions, but in preferring her pleasure, and honoring her in public as well as private. He knows her worth, why should he hesitate to attest it? 'And her husband he praised her,' saith holy writ; not by fulsome adulation, not by pushing her charms into notice, but by speaking, as opportunity occurs, in a manly way, of her virtues. Though words may seem little things, and slight attentions almost valueless, yet, depend upon it, they keep the flame bright, especially if they are natural. The children grow up in a better moral atmosphere, and learn to respect their parents, as they see them respecting each other.

Many a boy takes advantage of a mother he loves, because he sees often the rudeness of his father. Insensibly he gathers to his bosom the same habits, and the thoughts and feelings they engender, and in his turn becomes the petty tyrant. Only his mother, why should he thank her? Father never does. Thus the home becomes the seat of unhappiness and disorder. Only for strangers are kind words expressed, and hypocrites go out from the hearth-stone fully prepared to render justice, benevolence, and politeness to any one and every one, but those who have the most just claims. "Ah! give me the kind glance, the happy homestead, the wiling wife and courteous children of the friend who said so pleasantly, 'Yes, my dear, with pleasure." –– The Daily Alta, 1857

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Washington DC Etiquette Advice

Advice from the wife of a U.S. President — "How would you like your wife to show dislike for some of the men you bring home?"

"ONCE OVERS”

Husbands, you may not like some of the women friends of your wife, but you are not giving her a square deal if you object to her entertaining them. Also, you are a cad if you do not give them courteous treatment while under your roof. How would you like your wife to show dislike for some of the men you bring home? Raise a rumpus if she should make it evident that she disapproves of those men whom you choose at times to be your guests—tell the truth, would you not? 

Your wife’s friends may be estimable women, companionable to her, but not agreeable to you; however, this does not give you the right to be rude to them nor to put your wife in the position of not daring to invite them for fear you may insult them and her. Your men friends appeal to you, and the same is doubtless true of the friends of your better half. The true gentleman is always courteous to each and every person who enters his home. You want to be a credit to your forbears, don’t you? - Mrs. Woodrow Wilson, 1918

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Bad Manners Caused Divorce

So Gigi's aunt was correct?
“Bad table manners, my dear Gigi, have broken up more households than infidelity.” ~ Aunt Alicia instructing Gigi in proper dining etiquette.

Base of Divorce is Lack of Etiquette 

Mental cruelty caused by table manners, free and unrestrained, and a habit of calling names not recognized in books on etiquette, constituted the grounds on which an interlocutory decree of divorce was granted in Judge Shields' court yesterday to Mrs. Marie F. Crawshaw from John V. Crawshaw. 

Mrs. Crawshaw informed the court that her husband made various noises at table while engaged in gustatory exercises that were not exactly tolerated among the socially elect, in addition to a directness in the manner of addressing her that was not agreeable. 

Their two minor children were given to the mother, and defendant was ordered to pay $30.00 per month for their support. Crawshaw is a yardman in the employ of the Shell Oil company. The family home is in North Sacramento. — Sacramento Daily Union, 1919

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia©Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Neglected Etiquette in Homes

When the children are small they take father and mother as the example to follow, and what they see in the impressionable age is what they will copy as the correct line of conduct in later years

A Woman's Viewpoint in 1913, 
of  
What to Do and How 

Perhaps the most neglected feature in the whole curriculm of etiquette is the courtesy due our own home folks. The saying that “familiarity breeds contempt” is exemplified in too many American homes by the manners of the inmates —one toward another. The parents are largely responsible. 

When the children are small they take father and mother as the example to follow, and what they see in the impressionable age is what they will copy as the correct line of conduct in later years. It therefore behooves father and mother to exert toward each other the same gracious courtesy and consideration that marked their honeymoon days. 

When the growing son sees his father retain his seat when mother enters the room, he will follow suit and never think of rising and offering a chair to mother or sisters. If father permits his wife to wait on him at table, seeing that he is served first and letting her own meal grow cold in order that the appetite of the head of the family may be quickly appeased, the boy will feel that he, too, being a male animal, should be accorded the same deference. 

On the other hand, the wife who fails in graciously acknowledging, by a word or a smile, the little courtesies of her husband, is setting an example of bad manners and selfishness to the daughter, who will feel that it is only her due to be waited on by the opposite sex. A good plan is to keep the same set of manners for the home as prevail outside of it.— From "The Hostess," in the Sacramento Union, 1913

 Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette, Marriage and Divorce?

He looked and acted "like a longshoreman."  He wielded a toothpick in company and broke the rules of etiquette in other ways! – Longshoreman on strike in New York, circa 1910

Husband Acted "Like a Longshoreman" Says Wife

Suit of Wealthy Riversider for Divorce Is Denied


Judge Houser of the divorce court yesterday rendered judgment for the defendant In the suit of Thomas Morehouse for a divorce from his wife, Emma I. Morehouse, a wealthy property owner of Riverside, whom the plaintiff charged with cruelty and desertion. Morehouse alleged there was no community property, but his wife, in her response to the suit, declared there was $50,000.

The case was marked with testimony regarding complaints made by Mrs. Morehouse against her spouse because of his manners. She alleged he looked and acted "like a longshoreman," and that he wielded a toothpick in company and broke the rules of etiquette in other ways. He alleged cruelty on the grounds that he was "called down" continually as to his manners. The defendant alleged that he deserted her on critical occasions when she required his presence, and her evidence showed she tried to keep him from leaving her. On the latter ground the verdict was rendered against Morehouse. — Los Angeles Herald, 1910

On Etiquette and Social Happiness of the Day

“There is in every human nature the desire for social happiness—which is, frankly, in other words, the desire so to impress by one's manner that one will be welcome and respected wherever one chances to be. And it is only by adhering to the fundamental laws of good society that this social happiness can ever be attained.

In observing the established etiquette of modern society it is necessary to pay particular attention to one's appearance, manner, and speech. It must be remembered that the world is a harsh judge and is perfectly willing to condemn us by outward appearances. In the street-car, in the ball-room, at the theater—every day people are reading the story of our characters and ideals.” – Book of Etiquette / Volume I

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber is the Site Moderator for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Family Etiquette and All It Implies, Part 1

Never fail to be punctual at the time appointed, in keeping every engagement. 

The permanence of a courteous manner is the test of its sincerity. If one is polite invariably everywhere but at home, one's politeness is as superficial as a disguise, and as easily penetrated by the discerning.

Unselfish consideration for others meets its sternest discipline in the home and in family relations, and becomes, under that discipline, a reliable guide, instinctively consulted in every emergency.

Without manners at home, it is impossible to preserve the real nobility and unselfishness of character which make a man or a woman socially desirable.

     

The marriage relation has some little etiquette of its own which adds to its happiness. 

Obligations of the Married

The marriage relation, while based upon certain fundamental principles, and not to be preserved without adherence to them, has some little etiquette of its own which adds to its happiness.

The solemnization of marriage is a sacred ceremony and should be observed in a reverent spirit. To partake of its home intimacies for the first time as of a sacrament, and to perpetuate that same spirit on the anniversaries of the day, will do much toward making it a holy and a happy union.

Every marriage should be at least a perfect friendship; so a married couple should observe with each other the same little courtesies that they would observe if still only friends, being as deferential in greeting one another in public, as careful of each other's feelings, and as observant of each other's preferences.

A woman should remember to accept from her husband, as her due and without surprise or awkwardness, the little attentions which she expects and receives in society. A man, also, should expect, and not be disappointed in receiving, the graceful little appreciations and courtesies which the woman of charm extends to the man of achievement in her social circle.

The difference between the appreciations of society and those of the family is mainly that, in society, only the men of mark receive them, while, in the home, every man should receive his due; for there his efforts are known, even though they are not signal enough for society to recognize. As equality is the only basis upon which the authority of the home can happily rest, so a complete union of interests is the only basis for the successful financing of a home.
  
                        

In America, a wife never shares her husband's titles. 

While all the virtues of good management of her household, economy in the expenditure of money, taste in dressing herself and her children, and promptness and charm in fulfilling her social duties are expected of a wife, and should be fulfilled to the best of her ability, there are some minor things which make for happiness which should not be neglected.
Although present together at a function, husband and wife are not paired off together in their entertainment. He takes some other woman out to dinner, and she is escorted by some other man.

The wife who shines socially should remember that her family needs the charm of her presence more than society does, and it should be a daily household quality rather than for use only on state occasions.

The wife should confide in her husband on every matter of importance. She should not trouble him with trivial things, but, if a matter is of concern to her, she should not fail to let him know about it, and get his advice upon it. The cement of love is mutual confidence.

If a wife takes pains to understand her husband, to be his companion, and to do her full duty by him, by her children, and by her home, she cannot fail, under the ordinary circumstances of the American home, of winning happiness and making her husband happy. It is in the lack of desire to understand and love that the real menace to the happiness of the home lies. The deep-hearted and thoughtful people approach nearest the ideal of love.

It is taken for granted that the husband will perform the major duties of his relation, such as being a good citizen, a good business man, and hence a good provider for his family, and that he will in all things seek the mutual happiness of his family and himself.

He must be considerate to his wife if he would keep her love and respect. He should confide his business to her as far as she, in her inexperience, is able to grasp it, and he should teach her the things about it which it is important for her to know. Through his conversation alone she can get the rudiments of a good business training, and she will at least be able to comprehend the changes he may make or the difficulties in which he may find himself, and, seeing their cause, thus be able to sympathize, and not to blame, if reverses come. He should so train her in business ways and methods that, in case of his death or disability, she could attend to the business of his estate, even though she could not, or need not, earn money for the family.

      

The wife who shines socially should remember that her family needs the charm of her presence more than society does, and it should be a daily household quality rather than for use only on state occasions. 

The work of adjusting the labors of each to those of the other, so that there shall be time for recreation and social life together, should be a matter of mutual effort, and should not be dropped until solved to mutual satisfaction. If the members of the family cannot move in the same social circle, and together, a serious breach of family happiness is threatened. There is no marriage license which gives the right to constant harping upon one another's faults. In this, as in all other respects, the rule of friendship should prevail.

A husband should not open his wife's letters, nor should a wife her husband's.

All invitations are sent to a husband and wife jointly, except those for such occasions as a stag dinner, or a luncheon or "shower" to which ladies only are invited. If for any reason either the husband or the wife cannot attend a function, the other also must decline. The exceptions to this rule are those cases where a man or a woman of particular talent moves in a circle the interests of which are not especially enjoyable to the other one of the couple, or where the health of the one precludes the possibility of attendance upon affairs of which the other should not be deprived. Too long or too frequent use of the excuses which cover these exceptions, reflects seriously upon the marital happiness of the pair.

Although present together at a function, husband and wife are not paired off together in their entertainment. He takes some other woman out to dinner, and she is escorted by some other man. 

Even at dances and balls it is not good form for them to dance together too frequently, except at public dances where they are two of a private party of four or six, in which case rotation of partners would bring them together more frequently than if a larger number of their personal friends were present.

In America, a wife never shares her husband's titles.

          

Neither husband nor wife should confide family matters to any one but each other, nor discuss each other with any other person. 

Consultation and advice together on everything which concerns either is one of the privileges as well as the duties of marriage.
To reproach for errors which were made with good motives and the best of judgment available at the time is always unjust. Always to greet and to part from each other with affection is the source of much happiness.

Neither parent should be overambitious. Their personalities make the home, and if they are overworked and crowded with care, the home is not happy. The mother should always remember that home comes first, and should not absent herself from it save at those times and for that length of time when she is really not needed there.

Neither husband nor wife should confide family matters to any one but each other, nor discuss each other with any other person.

Companionship means the willingness to let one's own mood be dominated by another. Therefore, if they would be companionable, a husband and wife should meet each other's moods halfway. For what is lost personally now and then, far more of greater mutual value is obtained; and it is largely by a habit of companionableness that the happiness of the home can be made so satisfying that there can arise no question of its permanence.

To keep one's self up to one's best standard of speech and conduct is necessary, for only thus can the family standard be kept high. An arbitrary disposition in the home ruins the comfort of all. Companionship and mutual authority and helpfulness are the only foundations for a happy home.

General Rules of Conduct
          

If a wife takes pains to understand her husband, she cannot fail under the ordinary circumstances of the American home, of winning happiness and making her husband happy. 

Seek the companionship of the refined and the gentle-mannered if you would be the same. Move in that society in whose ways you are versed and whose rules you practice, if you would be appreciated or met with like courtesy.

Never fail to say kind words to those in distress whom you meet. The kindness, however, must be genuine, and come from the heart, never in stereotyped and hollow phrases.

The courtesy which offers attentions should be met with graciousness in receiving them. Surprise is a sign that one rates one's self lower than did the person who showed the courtesy. Attentions should be warmly accepted, and the gratitude expressed should be of the sort which does not forget.

A woman, when in the presence of the men of the family, should expect that doors will be opened for her, that she will pass through them first, that packages will be carried, and errands run. She should not, however, let these little attentions be paid her by her father or an elderly relative. 

Enter a room filled with people in a dignified manner and with a slight bow to the general company. "We all do stamp our value on ourselves" is true enough, and our private stamp is never more conspicuous than when we confront a roomful of people. If we show modesty but intense self-respect in our bearing, there is no one who will not raise his personal estimate of us no matter what it was.

The head should be well up, the body squarely erect, the chest out. Self-consciousness at such a time is a mistake, if natural, and shows the actual littleness which one is trying by an upright bearing to conceal. One should train one's self until the meeting of people, no matter who they may be, whether singly or in large numbers, is a matter of no particular concern as to deportment. Never enter a room noisily, nor fail to close a door after you, without slamming.

Never take another's seat unless you give it up upon his return. Dignified postures in sitting are marks of respect to yourself and the company you are with. A gentleman does not sit astride a chair, nor with legs spread out, nor a lady with her legs crossed. Never put out your foot, in the street car or elsewhere, or place it where it may trouble others in passing by.

When several people enter a room in a private house where you are sitting, always rise, especially if they are older than you. When an elderly person enters the room alone, it is always a graceful show of deference for all younger than he to rise and remain standing until he is seated.

The greetings of night and morning are due to all members of one's household, and should not be omitted. The one who enters a room where others are assembled gives the salutation first. "Good morning" is the appropriate greeting 'til noon. "Good afternoon" and "Good evening" are the greetings for the later hours of the day. "Good-by" is, however, the common and most acceptable form of farewell.

A woman, when in the presence of the men of the family, should expect that doors will be opened for her, that she will pass through them first, that packages will be carried, and errands run. 

After an evening's entertainment, it is permissible also to say "Good night" instead. "Good day," "Good afternoon," and "Good evening," used in farewell, are provincial.
"I beg pardon," spoken with an inquiring inflection, is much better than simply "What?" when you do not hear what is said. The abruptness of the latter savors of rudeness.

Whispering is not permissible in company, and it is not necessary in private. Therefore, whisper not at all, especially not in a sick-room or in church, where the whisper is far more penetrating than a low, distinct tone.

The calling up or down stairs is inconsiderate, for you attract the attention of two floors of people, as well as publish your message. To carry on a conversation over the banisters is also equally bad. Even a word of inquiry should usually be spoken at short distance in a hall which leads to several rooms, and where many people may hear or be disturbed by the noise. Such calling should never be permitted to servants or children, for once begun its convenience will demand its continuance.

Interrupting another's conversation is a serious breach of courtesy.

Finding fault is a very disturbing feature of home life, no matter how glaring the faults which may be criticised. Faults have to be remedied, but every effort should be made to do it skillfully, and not make the remedy worse than the disease.

Do not open your letters in company, except in case of emergency, and in the latter, ask the permission of the company to do so. Never, under any circumstances, open a private letter addressed to another. If the one to whom it is addressed is near enough to give you permission to open it, he can usually open it himself; if he is not by to give permission, the letter should go to his legal representative, who then acts according to the law.


                 

The close friend and the distant and far less welcome relative are entitled to equal courtesy. 

Politeness as well as pity impel one to be especially polite to the caller or visitor who is uncongenial, or stupid, or unattractive. By even an excess of hospitality one should try to make up for the inevitable slight which society always puts upon such a one.

Impartial courtesy is the right of all guests. The close friend and the distant and far less welcome relative are entitled to equal courtesy.

The holding of a grudge, and the failing to forgive a slight for which apology has been made, are the height of discourtesy. It is invariably true that the same spirit with which you mete out social slights will be shown you in return. Resent each one, whether intentional or a mere oversight, and you will surely crush the spontaneity out of all attentions shown you, and be met only with distrust.

When applied to for a favor, if you intend to grant it, grant it graciously and readily; if you intend to refuse, refuse with equal civility even though firmly. None but the unmannerly will urge a request when the slightest token of refusal has been given.

A gentleman may offer personal service to a lady, if there is need, tying her shoe, or hooking or buttoning her dress, or doing any other little act which she cannot herself do.

In a company of people, it is the height of rudeness to call attention to the form or features or dress of any one present.

In using a handkerchief, always do so unobtrusively. At the dining table it should be used very sparingly.

Better retire than be obnoxious to even the most fastidious.

Never look over the shoulder of any one who is reading or writing, whether in the home, of in a car, or at a concert, or anywhere else.

Do not touch any one in order to arrest his attention, but address him.

To lend a borrowed article is an appropriation of it which is next to stealing, unless one has permission of the owner to do so.

Self-control in excitement of any sort is a most valuable trait. It always makes for comfort of one's self and of others, and often for safety.

Do not pass between two persons who are talking together, if avoidable. If it is not, then apologize.

Never refuse to receive an apology. Courtesy requires, no matter how unforgivable the offense, that an apology should be accepted. Friendship may not be restored, but friendly courtesy should always thereafter be maintained.

Never neglect to perform a commission which a friend intrusted to you. Forgetfulness denotes lack of regard for the friend.

Never fail to be punctual at the time appointed, in keeping every engagement.

To make yourself the hero of your own story, or to speak much of your own performances, denotes deep-seated self-conceit, and may be very distasteful to others, who also have achieved.

        

Never question a child or a servant upon family matters. 

One's social obligations should never be neglected unless one is determined to drop out from one's place entirely. To acknowledge one invitation and not another is surely to be discredited with all.

Never question a child or a servant upon family matters.

Fulfill your promises,—or do not promise.

Deaf persons should be treated with special consideration. Act as though they could hear what is being said, yet without laying the burden of reply upon them, and without permitting it to be conspicuous in any way that they may have lost the drift of the talk. It is well to talk both louder and more expressively when they are present, but always more distinctly, and somewhat more slowly. Never shout at them, or attract their attention by touching them suddenly. This latter is not polite to any one, but the stronger impulse to do it in case of the deaf must be withstood. It is always better to come within the range of their vision before speaking to them. –From Edith Ordway's 1918, "Etiquette of Today"

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia