Manners and Diplomacy 101

The amusing and fascinating book, Cherry Denman's, ‘Diplomatic Incidents -  Memoirs of an (Un) Diplomatic Wife’

Table Manners and a Semi-Diplomatic Guide Book

Good table manners are more than just knowing which fork to use. They reflect your respect for others, your cultural awareness, and your overall poise. In professional settings, they can enhance your image and build trust. In social situations, they contribute to a pleasant and enjoyable atmosphere. Remember, it's not about perfection as you will soon discover! It's about showing consideration and confidence. She writes, 
“Never underestimate the usefulness of official entertaining. When ice needs to be broken, when friendships need to be forged and contacts consolidated, what better tool to use than food and drink?” 

I want to share with you one of the funniest books I have read so far is Cherry Denman’s, “Diplomatic Incidents - Memoirs of an (Un) Diplomatic Wife.”  You really do will laugh out loud at experiences that she and her husband, a diplomat for the United Kingdom, encountered when posted to a new assignment. I’m sharing my favorite excerpts from her wonderfully detailed book and I am sure you too will ‘lol’. 

 Let’s really dig in to some delicious bits of Denman’s book…

“Charlie has never flinched in the service of his country. He has chomped his way through jellyfish, ducks' feet, slugs, deep-fried scorpions, donkey burger, assorted testicles, unmentionable innards, turtles, frog-snot, swallows' vomit, snake, dog, camel's hump, yak's eye and my cooking. He was even offered bear's paw on one trip round China and when he drew the line at this, his hosts tried to insist he ate it because next year it would be an endangered species.”

Wow, has that happened to you at someone’s house or at a restaurant? It has happened to many the world over and when you think about it, yes, it does make your stomach turn. How do you bring it light without making drama at the table? Simply, call over the servers point to the offending object and hopefully your meal will be replaced. At someone’s house catch the eye of your host, quickly point to it with gaining attention from those at the table and your host should be up and over to you within seconds replacing your plate.

“My first-ever diplomatic dinner party was a disaster. I had discovered through a series of embarrassing misunderstandings that foreigners are in fact a lot more formal than Brits, so I had gone all out to do things properly. I had invited a number of young diplomats from other embassies in Peking.”

I’ve made embarrassing cooking mistakes and boy have I learnt from them. I like to be super prepared. Let’s say it’s an evening event, I will set and decorate the table in the morning making sure glasses and plates are clean and napkins are laundered. A day or two before I will create the menu and match wines and non-alcoholic beverages to the meal served. Just in case a meal fails, I will make extra which will be waiting for me in the freezer or cooked fresh on the day…for those unexpected ‘dining disasters’.

“Chinese National Day is always worth attending because the food is so good, except for one year when their chefs didn't separate the sweet dishes from the savoury. Everyone piled their plates with spring rolls and noodles, dim sum and butterfly prawns, and poured what they thought to be sweet and sour sauce over everything. It turned out to be a sweet, sickly strawberry custard.”

Have you gone to someone’s house and received ‘less-than-likeable-food’, yes, I have! There is a diplomat inside of us that says you-can-do-this. It is polite to eat some of the food served and you can leave the rest. If there is food that meets your approval, why not take a few servings of that dish to show you are enjoying the hosts food.

“As for dietary restrictions, I once had to cook a dinner party for a group who consisted of a Jewish couple, one of whom was diabetic, two vegans, one person suffering from coeliac disease and one who was allergic to dairy products. Oh, and one nut allergy.”

Arrrrhhh that’s me screaming!!! Allergies and dietaryrestrictions are now something that the modern host needs to deal with. Could you imagine dealing with the guests Cherry Denman hosted! As a host it is good to ask if people have these food requirements and for guests to inform the host. This should occur when the invitation has been given so it gives the host fair warning before shopping is completed.

“At a Chinese banquet I spun the Lazy Susan in the centre of the table with such enthusiasm that the protruding serving spoons knocked over all the wine glasses, one by one, sending China's No. 1 Great Wall claret cascading over everyone's deep-fried noodles with pig's intestines, radically changing the recipe to soup. And I was completely sober.”

Always consider something might go awry...be prepared as a girl scout! I’m sure this was quite amusing to see a diplomats wife spin the wheel of fortune…or unfortunate! When someone spills, breaks or more, keep your cool, smile and proceed to fix the mistake with flawless ease and pretend it never happened.

Other Tricks and Manners’ Minded Tips

Basic Etiquette

Start with the basics. Arrive on time, greet your host or hostess warmly, and offer to help with drinks or appetizers.

Mobile Phones

This is a big one! Silence your phone and avoid checking it during meals. It's a sign of disrespect to those around you.

Ordering and Eating

Be mindful of others when ordering and take your time eating. Avoid making noise while eating or drinking and elbows off the table.

Passing Food
When passing dishes, always pass to the right. If a dish is being passed around, don’t grab it directly across the table; wait until it comes to you in the natural order.

Engaging in Conversation
Mealtime conversation is an art. Listen attentively and engage with others but avoid controversial topics unless you’re in a setting where such discussions are welcome.

Handling Difficult Foods
Certain foods can be tricky, such as pasta, soup, or shellfish. For shellfish, use the appropriate utensils or your hands as needed, and always follow the lead of your host if you’re unsure.

Responding to Service
Treat waitstaff with respect. If you need to get a server’s attention, raise your hand slightly or make brief eye contact rather than calling out or waving.

In our increasingly casual world, it’s easy to dismiss table manners as outdated or unnecessary. However, good manners transcend the table; they are about respect, discipline, and cultural awareness. Ultimately, table manners are a form of communication, silently conveying your appreciation for the food, the company, and the shared experience. So, the next time you sit down to eat, remember these tips and tricks, and take pride in the art of dining well. –By Elizabeth Soos, Founder of Auersmont School of Etiquette & Protocol

For many years, Etiquipedia contributor, Elizabeth Soos, has had a keen interest in cultural customs. With her European background and extensive travel, Soos developed an interest in the many forms of respect and cultural expectations in the countries she has visited. With her 20 years’ experience in customer service within private international companies based in Australia, and her lifetime interest in manners and research, she decided to branch out into the field of etiquette and deportment. Through her self-directed studies and by completing the Train-The-Trainer’s course offered by Emma Dupont’s School of Etiquette in London and by Guillaume Rue de Bernadac at Academie de Bernadac based in Paris and Shanghai, she founded Auersmont School of Etiquette. Elizabeth is currently traveling throughout India and brushing up on her Hindi.

www.auersmont.com | +61 466 344 331 | auersmont@gmail.com

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia © Etiquette Encyclopedia

Handling Faux Pas in Public

The social circuit is a breeding ground for embarrassing moments. There are names to remember, table manners to watch, dress codes to adhere to. Perhaps nowhere else in life are we under as much scrutiny as we are during social occasions. People can go a long way toward reducing awkward moments by remembering to “think of someone other than yourself,” says Letitia Baldrige, author of a ‘90s guide to manners.
— Photo, Etiquipedia’s private library

There’s No Pas Like a Faux Pas in Society

A CEO wipes his mouth with a tablecloth. A community leader mistakes a man’s second wife for the daughter of his first. A socialite backs into a pool.

These are some of the gaffes that have been played out on the Orange County social scene.

And no wonder, say the blunderers, since stepping out is what they love to do, sometimes as often as five times a week.

“I’m out so much, I’m bound to make mistakes,” says Thomas Penn Jones, CEO and president of Children’s Hospital of Orange County. “I just try to laugh them off.”

Jones bemoaned his faux pas out loud at the Pacific Club in Newport Beach. After realizing he had wiped his mouth with a portion of the tablecloth, he told table-mates: “Why can’t they make dinner napkins and tablecloths in different colors? This isn’t the first time I’ve done this!”

Janice Johnson of Laguna Beach still blushes when she recalls “that luncheon.” She attended a fund-raising home tour and admired a lovely hostess--a young mother with two small children.

A week later, she was seated at a luncheon next to a mature woman whose married name was the same as the woman she had met earlier.

Striking up conversation, she said: “I met your lovely daughter and your two grandchildren last week

She quickly learned that the young woman was the new wife of her lunch partner’s ex. Says a wiser Johnson: “Before you open your mouth, think!”

Vesta Curry of Laguna Beach recalls with embarrassment the luncheon where she took pictures of friends: “I was snapping away and backed right into the pool. Thank God it was the shallow end. I can’t swim!”

The social circuit is a breeding ground for embarrassing moments. There are names to remember, table manners to watch, dress codes to adhere to. Perhaps nowhere else in life are we under as much scrutiny as we are during social occasions.

People can go a long way toward reducing awkward moments by remembering to “think of someone other than yourself,” says Letitia Baldrige, author of a ‘90s guide to manners.

Deferring to others is the foundation of social etiquette. One of the reasons you place your knife and fork together on your plate after a meal, for example, is to assist the waiter during his trek back to the kitchen.

But if you do blow it, Baldrige says, the best way to recover is to make a joke.

“Everyone else is dying, so you need to break the tension. Of course, you apologize if you ruin a tablecloth or break someone’s prized Dresden centerpiece.

“But if it’s a burp you couldn’t help, you apologize, then say, ‘It didn’t exactly sound like the symphony orchestra, did it? I’ll try to do better next time.’ ”

Even an etiquette guru has red-faced moments. One of her worst, Baldrige recalls, was the night a couple arrived at her door for Sunday supper. She had forgotten she issued the invitation.

“There we were, my husband smoking a cigar, me in a nightgown, and the doorbell rings.”

She teased the guests about being so formally dressed, rushed into the kitchen, threw some frozen beef stew into a pot and drenched it with wine. “We made it through the evening. My husband thinks they were being polite, but I don’t think they knew the difference.”

As chairwoman of dozens of Orange County social events, Catherine Thyen of Corona del Mar has seen her share of excruciating moments. The worst came at an awards banquet.

“As a woman walked up to receive an award, her slip fell to the floor. She stepped right out of it, left it in a little pool. She never went back to retrieve it. I was impressed by her grace.”

To survive the demands of the polite life, Thyen has developed her own list of do’s and don’ts. “Do drink lots of water,” she advises. “It’s a good way to avoid coated coffee tongue and champagne breath.

“Don’t eat much, especially hors d’oeuvres. It can be very embarrassing to have someone come up to you when your mouth is full.”

And, do a run-through in new attire before attending a gala. “Get the kinks out around the house. You need to rehearse sitting in a bustle or dancing in a strapless gown.”

When Mark Johnson of Tustin received an invitation to a private party with a dress code that read: “Black Tie, Fun” he was confused.

So he called upon a new friend, Tom Tucker of Irvine Cove, who told him it meant having fun with his penguin suit. “He told me to wear black tie and whatever else I wanted,” said Johnson, chairman of the Orange County Performing Arts Center. “He said he was wearing Bermudas with his tux jacket and that others would dress equally crazy.”

Johnson didn’t know his friend was a prankster, that the invitation really meant to wear a fun-looking black tie. So he wore Reeboks and Levi 501’s with his tux.

“I arrive, feeling like I’m going to fit right in,” Johnson said. “And everybody is in form! I was embarrassed, but I had more fun than I’ve ever had when I was dressed like everybody else.”

Tucker, a center board member, remembers dressing for a black-tie gala and leaving his jacket at home. He was mortified when he walked into the event. “But after I had a glass of wine I decided it wasn’t worth driving home for,” he said.

Becoming embarrassed in social situations is common for adults, says Linda Algazi, a Corona del Mar psychotherapist. “However, when it becomes excessive and uncomfortable, it becomes something in psychology we call social phobia.”

People with the condition experience anxiety symptoms, stomach problems, muscular tension and confusion. “It can develop into a full-blown panic attack,” she says. “We all worry about being appropriately dressed, saying something dumb. Only when it becomes excessive does it become a real phobia.”

Embarrassing moments happen to everyone, Baldrige believes. Forgetting someone’s name is probably the most common cause of social humiliation. “If you’re smart, you will own up to it and say something like, ‘I can’t even remember my mother’s name.’ ”

In her research, Baldrige has come upon dozens of interesting incidents. A favorite stands out: “It was at the White House during the Eisenhower era. A woman guest lost her panties while she stood at a party.

“You only had elastic around the waist in those days. She was horrified, and stepped out of them. A White House aide whisked them up and put them in his pocket.” — By Ann Conway, 1997

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia