More Etiquette of Polite Conversation

Characters Marian Brooke and Peggy Scott (played by Louisa Jacobson and 

Denée Benton), share conversations, carriages and, eventually, secrets in “The Gilded Age.”

Egotism–
Do not be egotistic. If you find yourself using the pronoun “I” too much, change the topic of conversation to a less personal one.

Wit–
Be witty and amusing if you like, or rather if you can; but never use your wit at the expense of others.

Correct Speech–
Be careful to speak correctly yourself, but never take notice of the inaccuracies of either grammar or pronunciation of others.

Absent-Mindedness–
Do not appear to be preoccupied in the presence of others. Lord Chesterfield said: "When I see a man absent in mind, I choose to be absent in body."

Whispering In Company–
Never whisper in company. Neither engage a single individual in the discussion of matters which are not understood by the others present. 

Private Affairs Of Others–

Never directly or indirectly refer to the affairs of others which it may give them pain in any degree to recall.

Impertinent Questions–
Never ask impertinent questions; and under this head may be included nearly all questions. Some authorities in etiquette go so far as to say that all questions are strictly tabooed. Thus, if you wished to inquire after the health of the brother of your friend, you would say, " I hope your brother is well," not, " How is your brother's health?"

The Confidence Of Others–

Never try to force yourself into the confidence of others; but if they give you their confidence of their own free will, let nothing whatever induce you to betray it. Never seek to pry into a secret, and never divulge one.

Unpleasant Topics Of Conversation–

Never introduce unpleasant topics or describe revolting scenes in general company.

Giving Unsought Advice–
Never give officious advice. Even when your advice is sought, be sparing of it. 

Evil Speaking–
Never attack the characters of others in their absence; and if you hear others attacked, say what you can consistently to defend them.

–From E.B. Duffey's, “The Ladies' and Gentlemen's Etiquette: A Complete Manual of the Manners and Dress of American Society,” 1877 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J .Graber, is the Editor and Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Unsolicited Advisors

“Oooh! I didn’t know we’d be playing this game tonight! This might be fun, even though we don’t know one another all that well. After you tell me how you feel about my personal affairs, I’ll tell you how I feel about yours.”

Some Wise Advise from Miss Manners

Dear Miss Manners: A business associate in my office has recently found enlightenment through some EST-like encounter group. He is so enthusiastic about his new passion that he is telling everybody friends, colleagues, even clients. He has already told me that he “senses” that I would really benefit from taking this “training.” Since I have to work with this man, I have always been polite and cordial, but I have absolutely no desire to have any kind of personal relationship with him. I am quite close to his ex-wife, and know too much about his personal life from her perspective. Now this man is repeatedly asking me (and others in the office) to lunch, and I'm sure he wants to proselytize. How can I refuse and continue to maintain a pleasant working relationship with him and continue to lunch with other associates? Can I accept on condition he not discuss his new religion? Can I refuse to discuss certain topics at lunch? Can you come up with a more creative option? I don't think I could keep lunch down if I had to listen to his spiel. 

Gentle reader: Unsolicited therapy is one of the curses of our age. People who kindly offer to help one, often suggesting solutions for problems one didn't know one had, are a menace. If you don't learn to defend yourself, you will be at the mercy of everyone who has discovered a new diet, exercise program, astrologist or saint-upon-earth. One must always be polite, but one needn’t therefore suffer the effects of other people’s rudeness. And it is rude, as well as arrogant, to presume to prescribe for others. By declaring that you would benefit from whatever form of help he offers, the proselytizer is making it clear that he finds you unsatisfactory as is. The best way to deal with bores is to avoid them. A good working relationship does not require socializing. You can already declare a lunch date when he asks you, or, failing one, announce your intention to eat alone because you want to think. Should you get stuck, the polite way to say, “Shut up, you're boring me senseless” is, “Yes, so you've already told me,” accompanied by a vacant smile and followed by a change of subject. The polite way to say, “You have your nerve telling me how I should run my life” is, “You’re very kind to take an interest in my personal affairs, considering how little you know about me, but it really isn’t necessary, thank you.” In this case, you are in a position to add, “You know I’ve always put aside any personal information I happen to have heard about you from your ex-wife, because we have such a nice professional relationship. Let's keep it that way.” That is the polite method of blackmail. United Feature Syndicate, 1985

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Polite Conversation

Someone not afraid to show her emotions– The fictional Marianne Dashwood, as portrayed by Kate Winslet in the 1996 film version of Jane Austen’s “Sense and Sensibility”

Display Of Emotions–
It is needless to say, avoid all exhibitions of temper before others if you find it impossible to suppress them entirely. All emotions, whether of grief or joy, should be subdued in public, and only allowed full play in the privacy of our own apartments.

Undue Familiarity–
Avoid all coarseness and familiarity in addressing others. A person who makes himself offensively familiar will have few friends.

Pretenses–
Avoid all pretense at gentility. Pass for what you are, and nothing more. If you are obliged to make any little economies, do not be ashamed to acknowledge them as economies if it becomes necessary to speak of them at all. If you keep no carriage, do not be over-solicitous to impress your friends that the sole reason for this deficiency is because you prefer to walk. Do not be ashamed of poverty; but, on the other hand, do not flaunt its rags unmercifully in the face of others. It is best to say nothing about it either in excuse or defence.

Aristocratic Assumptions–
Do not, of all things, in this republican country, boast of blood and family and talk of belonging to the "aristocracy." Nor, unless you wish to be set down as a superlative fool by all sensible people, put your servants in livery and a coat of arms upon the panels of your carriage and upon your plate.

Interruptions In Conversation–
Never interrupt a person who is speaking. Wait until you are sure he has finished what he has to say before you attempt to speak.

Dogmatic Style Of Speaking–
Never speak dogmatically or with an assumption of knowledge or information beyond that of those with whom you are conversing. Even if you are conscious of this superiority, a proper and becoming modesty will lead you to conceal it as far as possible, that you may not put to shame or humiliation those less fortunate than yourself. At all events, they will discover your superiority or they will not.


If they discover it of their own accord, they will have much more admiration for you than though you forced the recognition upon them. If they do not discover it, rest assured you cannot force it upon their perceptions, and they will only hold you in contempt for trying to do so. Besides, there is the possibility that you over-estimate yourself, and instead of being a wise man you are only a self-sufficient fool.

Flattery–
Do not be guilty of flattery. Commend the estimable traits of your friends to others whenever and wherever you can, and you may even express your honest approval directly to them if you possess a delicate tact. Indeed, it is one of the most imperative social duties to let others see our appreciation of the good in their characters or actions. But beware of insincere praise bestowed from an unworthy motive.

Faultfinding–
Do not be censorious or faultfinding. Long and close friendship may sometimes excuse one friend in reproving or criticising another, but it must always be done in the kindest and gentlest manner, and in nine cases out of ten had best be left undone. When one is inclined to be censorious or critical, it is well to remember the scriptural injunction, “First cast the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to cast the mote out of thy brother's eye.”

–From E.B. Duffey's, "The Ladies' and Gentlemen's Etiquette: A Complete Manual of the Manners and Dress of American Society," 1877 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J .Graber, is the Editor and Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia