Tactfully Teaching Table Etiquette

“James,” she said, with quick tact, looking all around among the tables, “did you ever notice that men and women eat differently? When a man finishes a meal he always places his knife and fork across each other, while a woman invariably places them side by side. It's funny, but I've often noticed it.”

 – “Finished position” image from “

What Have We Here?: The Etiquette and Essentials of Lives Once Lived, from the Georgian Era through the Gilded Age and Beyond...”

A Tactful Girl:

The Way She Gave James a Lesson in Table Etiquette

They were an engaged young couple and were having a quiet dinner while the band played alluring music. The girl was sweet and refined looking and the man big and strong. Her manners were perfect, but his left much to be desired as far as etiquette is concerned. After they had finished their meal an interested observer noticed that the big, wholesome man placed his knife and fork like the crossbones under the skull. With a blush the girl, whose own implements were placed correctly side by side, noticed the break.

“James,” she said, with quick tact, looking all around among the tables, “did you ever notice that men and women eat differently? When a man finishes a meal he always places his knife and fork across each other, while a woman invariably places them side by side. It's funny, but I've often noticed it.”

“Which is correct?” anxiously questioned her fiance while he gingerly toyed with the objects of comment.

“Why, placing them side by side, dear, of course,” she said. “But, then, men are so busy that I suppose they have no time for such details.” And then she became interested in the band leader, while the erring James slyly adjusted his knife and fork according to regulations.

“There's a woman who is going to manage her husband without letting him know it,” observed a sweet old lady who had overheard. “It all depends upon the way you do it, whether you can get a man to come round.” Philadelphia Record, 1905

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Sending Signals with Utensils?

Using Utensil Placement to
Send Signals to Servers

Misinformation abounds on the internet.  This is just as true with etiquette information as it is with any other subject.

When I saw a graphic circulating on social media depicting the positions of dining utensils to signal a message to a server, I had to set the record straight. In fact, fellow Etiquette Enthusiast and Educator, Maura Graber, site moderator and editor of Etiquipedia(c) Etiquette Encyclopedia has been fighting an uphill battle to call attention to a particular false  infographic that appears on dozens of websites in the U.S. and other countries where knives and forks are used. 

The graphic I am referring to illustrates five positions in which you can place your knife and fork to relay a message to your server.  (Two, the Pausing and Finished shown above are correct.)

Three of the five positions illustrated demonstrate very poor etiquette and are actually rude to the server.  

From the Server’s Perspective

The job of your server is to receive your food and drink order, deliver it to your table when ready, and take your plate away when you are finished eating.

Servers are busy -- juggling multiple tables and lots of information truly does take talent.  The “pause” and “finished” utensil positions let her know at a glance whether your table has plates to be removed, or if she can continue with other tasks.

Utensils placed in the “paused” or “resting” position let your server know you are not finished eating and your plate does not need to be removed.

Utensils placed in the “finished” position let your server know you have finished eating and she may take your plate.

Neither of these utensil signals require verbal communication for your server to know what action to take.  In other words, they make your server’s job easier and prevent additional disruptions in your table conversation.

Two – and Only Two - Signals

Dining etiquette involves not only proper use of your utensils while eating, but using them to signal information that makes dining pleasant for everyone. 

Servers appreciate you letting them know what assistance you require from them.  And non-verbal signals are a small but significant part of civilized dining.

However, the only signals your server needs to receive via utensil placement is whether you are pausing during your meal, or whether you are finished with your meal.  There is no tradition anywhere that requires any other signals.  Attempting to do so only causes confusion.

I am joining Ms. Graber and other informed etiquette consultants urging you to ignore any image teaching inappropriate communication to diners and restaurant servers.  Won’t you join us?  

You can download the infographic here that shows correct and incorrect utensil placement signals.

Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia