Manners in the Locker Room

This is a good thing. More and more people are faithfully working out in health clubs in search of that elusive balance between a piece of cheesecake and walking off minutes on the treadmill at 4.2 mph on a 1.5% incline.

More and more people are faithfully working out in health clubs in search of that elusive balance between a piece of cheesecake and walking off minutes on the treadmill at 4.2 mph on a 1.5% incline. This is a good thing.

But some exercisers are obviously unaware of locker room etiquette. And this is evil incarnate. It seems anything goes. They’re doing the kinds of things that would prompt any mother to screech, “Whaddya think? I raised you in a barn or something?”

Moses had 10; we don’t. Herewith, the Seven Commandments of the Gym Etiquette Locker Room:

1. Thou shalt not spread thy stuff all over the place.

Locker rooms are not called Hugely Cavernous Palatial Storage Places for Users of Health Clubs for a reason. They are tiny— like lockers. Heck, some are tinier— like locks. So please confine your personal items to a small space. Don’t hog the benches, dressing tables or floor space.

2. Thy voice shalt not be so loud that thou can be heard over blow dryers, running water and piped-in disco music.

Speak softly, please.

3. Thou shalt leave thy locker room area clean.

Your monthly membership club fee buys many things, but personal maid service is not among them. Don’t make me call your mother.

4. Thou shalt not steal.

Some commandments need no explanation.

5. Thou shalt not dye thy hair in the showers.

See Stealing Commandment.

6. Thou shalt not drench thyself in cologne or perfume to the point where it becomes a HazMat (that’s Hazardous Materials, to you) emergency.

But if you must, please make it your final act before exiting the locker room.

7. Must thou really blow dry thy hair in the nude?

We’re pleased as punch at the swell job done by your plastic surgeon. Really, we are. But really. It’s one thing to walk to and from the showers naked— that is to be expected in a locker room. But to be in the buff while combing your hair, trimming nose hairs, applying makeup, brushing your teeth, reading “War and Peace”? This is more than your fellow locker room dwellers care to see, especially those of us whose bodies have been hit by gravity and other cruel forces of nature. — By Michelle Williams, Times Staff Writer, 1997

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia