Gilded Age Social Etiquette

After a lady is married her acquaintances should soon call upon her.

Calls Which Courtesy Demands Should Be Made Promptly

“First calls should always be promptly returned; that is, within seven days,” says a New York woman of society and fashion, in a useful little treatise on manners. “If a first call is immediately followed by an invitation to some entertainment, the call should be returned at once and not delayed until after the entertainment. After the entertainment a second call should be made.

“The recipient of any special hospitality, such as a dinner, luncheon, breakfast, dance, etc..., should call thereafter as soon as possible. After having been invited to visit in a country house, a call should be made upon those extending the invitation immediately after their return to the town residence. After a lady is married her acquaintances should soon call upon her.” – Riverside Enterprise, 28 February 1891

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Gilded Age Etiquette of Hosting a Ball

It is perfectly correct for a host or son of a hostess to ask such selfish guests to do him the favor of dancing with Miss Jones or Miss Gray. No man who is a gentleman ever refuses such a request, if he has no previous engagement for the dance.

Duties of the Hostess

The pleasure of the guests and the success of the entertainment depend in a great measure on the tact and unselfishness of the hostess. A good hostess always makes it her duty to see that her women guests are provided with partners for the majority of the dances, and that all the chaperons have been taken out to supper. She introduces strangers to each other and makes her husband and son, if she have one, keep a sharp lookout that wallflowers are conspicuous by their absence at her party. 

It is not at all necessary for the host to receive with his wife, but he should pay considerable attention to all the ladies. If he is a young man he tries to get a dance, or at least a pleasant word or two, with every one present. If his dancing days are over, he devotes himself to the chaperons and keeps an eye on the young men present, not allowing them to congregate in knots about the doorway or selfishly gather in the cloakroom while any young ladies are sitting partnerless. 

It is perfectly correct for him to ask such selfish guests to do him the favor of dancing with Miss Jones or Miss Gray. No man who is a gentleman ever refuses such a request, if he has no previous engagement for the dance. – By Eleanor B. Clapp, for the San Francisco Call, 1905

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Gilded Age Etiquette for Garden Parties

Garden Parties were popular entertainments in the Gilded Age. This photo above is proof that they remained popular well into the 1920’s … 

Above -‘Garden Party’ Photographed by Edward Steichen, 1927 (photo source, Twitter) — As the weather is by no means always to be counted upon to remain fine, it is seldom considered advisable to have the whole of the refreshment tables out of doors, and thus only ices, berries and cream and ice cups are served out of doors. Tea, coffee and the rest, with iceland berries and cream over again, are invariably served within doors. But refreshment tables out of doors considerably take off the strain from the tables in the tearoom, especially during the first half hour, when the great rush is made in this direction.

Manners and Customs Practiced Polite Society:

Garden Parties… The Advantages and Pleasures of These Out of Door Summer Receptions

Town garden parties resolve themselves into large receptions given out of doors, and those who know what crowded drawing rooms imply in the sultry summer days are particularly glad of this change of place. They will willingly spend an hour or more at one of these out of door reunions instead of thinking a quarter of an hour's stay all too long indoors, where it is a case of heat versus draft, and difficult to determine which is the most objectionable experienced in drawing room, bed-room or even on a staircase. Although these functions are designated garden parties, yet the real style and title are ‘at-homes’, the address being sufficient indi- cation to the invited guests as to the description of entertainment to be given.

A band playing in the grounds where the garden party is given would appear to be a sine qua non, but the excellence of the same is merely a question of expense.

As the weather is by no means always to be counted upon to remain fine, it is seldom considered advisable to have the whole of the refreshment tables out of doors, and thus only ices, berries and cream and ice cups are served out of doors. Tea, coffee and the rest, with iceland berries and cream over again, are invariably served within doors. But refreshment tables out of doors considerably take off the strain from the tables in the tearoom, especially during the first half hour, when the great rush is made in this direction.

Even a large tent or marquee is not considered altogether desirable for refreshments, as under a burning sun the air within becomes overheated and oppressive, while in the case of a downpour the results are always disastrous. The popularity of garden parties is incontestable in propitious weather.

Arrivals at a garden party are made al- most simultaneously, or follow in rapid succession, so that host-and hostess have between arrivals and departures an opportunity for a little friendly conversation with many of the guests, while at an ‘at home’ the hostess has to be at her post from 4:30 to 7, as guests arrive continuously even close up to the hour named for departure. The host is usually present at a garden party.

A man in the open air is at his best, and therefore a garden party appeals to a host almost as much as it does to a guest.— San Diego Union and Bee, 1895

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An 1897 Question of Etiquette

 I am in receipt of a card advising me that certain ladies would be at home on certain days. Now, as I am not a society man, I would ask whether the ladies mean that they are at home in the afternoon or in the evening, nothing being mentioned on the card but just the day.

A Gilded Age Gent’s Etiquette Query

Will you kindly help me out of a quandary? I am in receipt of a card advising me that certain ladies would be at home on certain days. Now, as I am not a society man, I would ask whether the ladies mean that they are at home in the afternoon or in the evening, nothing being mentioned on the card but just the day. Also is it necessary to acknowledge the receipt of the card outside of the call which one makes? By answering the above you will greatly relieve THE WRITER. New York, Dec. 4, 1897

What are generally known as “days at home” are informal receptions in the afternoon, and it is only necessary to acknowledge the courtesy of an invitation to such informal receptions, either by a call on one of the appointed afternoons, or, if a call is not possible on the afternoons named, at some other time, or by the sending of a card. The “day at home” is the most informal of all social entertainments. It has grown much in vogue during the past few years in New York and other large cities, and many prominent society women now prefer to have two, three, or four “days at home” during the season rather than go to the trouble and expense of one large afternoon or evening reception. “Days at home” also have the advantage of affording those on a lady’s visiting list more than one opportunity of making a call, and the excellent suggestion has been made that the ladies who purpose holding days at home this Winter should, if possible, where they live in about the same locality, choose the same day. Thus, for example, if those ladies living on lower Fifth Avenue and in adjacent streets between Fourteenth Street and Washington Place, would choose Monday, those living between Fourteenth and Twenty-third Streets would select Tuesdays, those again residing between Twenty third and Thirty-fourth Streets would take Wednesdays, and so on until each fashionable section of the city had, as it were, its day, the labor of calling would be much simplified. –The New York Times, 1897 

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Tastemaker Displeased

The Southern drawl voiced, velvety smooth talking tastemaker to The 400 in New York City of the Gilded Age, Ward McAllister (brilliantly played by a restrained Nathan Lane) was knocked from his lofty perch by 1889. He was not happy about this fall from the unofficial governing board of the highest level of the social etiquette strata.
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Regarding a ball he was NOT asked to oversee, an angry McAllister reveled in the aftermath: “Even the humble reporter admits to share his enjoyment, and to them paints he the ball in the gloomiest possible colors. Doubtless the ball had its drawbacks, but still it was not quite the orgy that in his scorn he not unaccountably chooses to make it. Doubtless the throng was dense and the supper room much over crowded, and there was excess of wine, both honey-hearted and très sec. Doubtless there is an objection to launching young girls in society, even as ships are sped from the well-greased ways to the water, with the breaking over their bows of foaming bottles of champagne. Doubtless when three thousand men demand all their hats at one moment of three sable and sleepy attendants there must be confusion.”

The Wrath of McAllister

Musing yet once more the destructive wrath of McAllister, not yet appeased nor in the least likely to be so till the committee in general, and Stuyvesant Fish in particular, are covered over with shame and sent into permanent Coventry. Truly revenge is sweet even to leaders of germans, howbeit for that function the much disgusted McAllister now may seem to himself somewhat too old and rheumatic. Nathless, when he departed to sulk in his tent at the capital, he did not wholly forsake the sacred cause of society. Still his address might be had and still he might have been sent for when the intrusive committee had got things into a tangle. Doubtless a swell deputation from Stuyvesant Hamiltonides, calling him back to retrieve the results of presumptuous rashness, would have been kindly received and its message considered with patience. Even the swift-footed telegram might have brought back to the rescue (if properly winged and prepaid by the patient but few-counseled Bowen) him who alone could bring some order out of the chaos.

But the besotted committee did not do any of these things, and the lost leader comes back to amuse himself over their downfall. Even the humble reporter admits to share his enjoyment, and to them paints he the ball in the gloomiest possible colors. Doubtless the ball had its drawbacks, but still it was not quite the orgy that in his scorn he not unaccountably chooses to make it. Doubtless the throng was dense and the supper room much over crowded, and there was excess of wine, both honey-hearted and très sec. Doubtless there is an objection to launching young girls in society, even as ships are sped from the well-greased ways to the water, with the breaking over their bows of foaming bottles of champagne. Doubtless when three thousand men demand all their hats at one moment of three sable and sleepy attendants there must be confusion. If to his plans it is that we owe the success of the banquet, why were his plans for the ball not equally wise and foresighted ? 

While he was losing his rest for the sake of taking sweet counsel with learned and eminent cooks concerning suitable dishes, having especial regard to comparative quickness of service, why did he not put on record his views on the care of the cloak room? If he did so, it is but too plain that a fearful responsibility rests on the rash and wretched committee. Still it is hard to believe that a mind absorbed, like the mind of McAllister, with the abstruser points of deep gastronomical problems could at the same time find room for the consideration of hat checks. As to the famous quadrille, his view is doubtless the right one. When the officials declined the committee should have selected statesmen and sages and bards and men of weight and distinction. Personages like these might have felt very awkward and looked so, but the quadrille would have been much more impressive in history danced by a number of wretched and eminent fish out of water than if en joyed by a number of dapper and well-greaved New-Yorkers.

Now that Peleides has left his tent and come forth to take part in the battle, he engages to give us a ball that will shame the committee. Doubtless the scheme he has formed will result in something more pleasant than the crush that afflicts him still, though it happened last Monday. He may not be able to handle with ease the promiscuous nation, but to cull and arrange the flower of New-York in a ballroom is a part he is fitted to shine in by art and by nature. This fitness it is that makes us renew the suggestion of a place and a title to suit a society leader. The place is St.Thomas's Church, and the title of sexton. though humble, has been borne and exalted by Brown to the McAllisterian function. A sexton has charge of funerals and weddings as well as of balls and of banquets. As a sexton McAllister’s sphere would be widened as well as exalted, with power of revenge on committees and on Stuyvesant Hamiltonides. _The New York Times, May 4, 1899

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

After Dining Cigar Etiquette

Never smoke on an empty stomach. Smoke after luncheon, or after dinner or supper, but do not smoke long after you have taken food, or early in the morning. A light cigar after a hearty meal frequently aids digestion, but if one smokes just before eating, the appetite will be lessened and food will lose its relish.

First, smoke light-colored cigars. They are less strong than the darker shades. Select the boxes marked Claro and Colorado Claro, and avoid those marked Maduro or even Colorado Maduro.

Secondly, never smoke on an empty stomach. Smoke after luncheon, or after dinner or supper, but do not smoke long after you have taken food, or early in the morning. A light cigar after a hearty meal frequently aids digestion, but if one smokes just before eating, the appetite will be lessened and food will lose its relish.

Thirdly, do not smoke the whole of the cigar. Sacrifice a fourth or fifth, because in the stump the poisonous oil or nicotine of tobacco becomes concentrated. 

Fourthly, do not smoke more than three or four cigars a day. And in the last place, after smoking cleanse the teeth, and thus avoid their discoloration and impregnation with the fumes of the tobacco. 

A moderate and careful use of tobacco does not harm the teeth, but when excessive it causes the gums to recede, and covers the teeth themselves with the blackening oil of the leaf.— New York Sun, 1895

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Dining Etiquette

 

In “The Age of Innocence,” Mrs. Mingott is shown selecting the correct flatware for a dinner party to welcome Countess Olenska.

For the Gilded Age Dinner Party

Etiquette advice from 1894 …

No gentleman will ever place his arms upon the table either before, during, or after a meal. Meats are to be cut with a single gliding movement of the knife, not by converting it into a saw. Keep the elbows always close to the side, no matter how ample may be the room between the guests.

 Iced oysters or clams are to be eaten with lemon juice dropped over —never with salt and pepper. Never play with knife or fork or other table utensils; do not touch them at all, except when about to use them. Do not forget that cheerfulness “suggests good health, a clear conscience and a soul at peace with all human nature.”

 – Gilded Age dinners were multi-course, elaborate dinners

– Photo source, Pinterest

Formal dinner parties were an important part of the life of a well-to-do Gilded Age couple. The rules of etiquette and good taste dictated the dinner table’s look. Collectors can find many pieces of silver, serving dishes and large, carved furniture that were all made for a 19th century feast.

The dining room had large furniture. There was often a sideboard with carvings of dead game birds, animals and symbols of the food to be served. The sideboard held large pieces of silver that were to be used during dinner. Examples of fine silver, crystal or china were also on display.

The table was in the center of the room under a large, decorative chandelier. Ground-glass globes were preferred because they made the lighting more flattering.

The long table was surrounded by matching carved chairs. The table was covered with a white damask cloth that was large enough to fall 20 inches from the floor at both ends. The cloth was ironed and the crease was placed exactly in the middle, going the length of the table. The center of the table held a flower arrangement.

Dinners often had 12 courses, so many dishes were used. Silverware, dishes and napkins were put in place for each course. Sometimes the place setting included an individual salt dish and spoon, plus a place card and menu card.

Large, ornate serving pieces such as tureens and platters were used, and serving pieces were made for every type of food, from asparagus to tomatoes. Most of the utensils can still be used today. Never wash gold-trimmed dishes or hollow-handled silverware in the dishwasher. The heat can cause damage to them. — From a variety of sources and articles, including the Los Angeles Times, 2000

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Canine Calling Cards

A dog playfully chews over the day’s news... Dated May 4, 1892, this Pairpoint Silver, gilded age, calling card tray would be at the ready to receive cards from visitors. Calling cards were the forerunners of today’s modern business card.

A Silly Fashion

“Oh, ha, ha! Just a little mention of a tiny absurdity before I append my autograph. Will you believe that my Lady Frivolity and the Misses Brainless made me a morning call while I was out, and with their precious cards I found a bit of pasteboard, about an inch long and a half an inch wide, which bore the name duly engraved upon it, of “Mr. Shepherd Collie!” It was fully one minute before this delightful joke dawned upon me with all its blinding luminosity. Mr. Shepherd Collie was their collie dog, who was accompanying them on their round of calls. 

Desiring not to be behind in the rigid etiquette of social life, I hied me to my stationer in order to cause to be engraved the same sort of card, with the names of my own canine family, ‘The Misses Poodle.’ But, bless you, the modish stationer keeps that sort of thing in stock. I found ready engraved—size, one and a quarter inches by a half of an inch, and done up in the usual visiting card packages of 100—‘Miss Minnie Black and Tan,’ ‘Mr. Suttie Pug,’ ‘Mrs. Willoughby Pug,’ ‘Mr. Frank Fox Terrier’ and ‘many others,’ as the ball lists say.”— Olive Logan in the Philadelphia Times, 1885

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia