Entering the Gilded Age Ball

When a young girl attends a ball with her mother or some matron who has kindly consented to chaperon her, she always allows her elderly companion to enter the room first, and then walks beside her to greet the hostess, who usually stands at the head of the room or in a position not far from the door. – From “Punch” or the “London Charivari” Vol. 158, February 25th, 1920

Making the Correct Entrance

THE gentlemen wait for the ladies whom they have escorted to the dance, in the hall, and they enter the ball room together- not arm in arm, but the lady enters the room first, closely followed by her escort. At very fashionable balls, where the hostesses are great sticklers for conventionality, the name of each guest is announced by a footman just as he enters the door. But this formality is often omitted, and is not in good taste unless the affair is extremely elegant and ceremonious. With moderate means it is always in much better taste to do things simply than to strain after effect, or, as the expressive slang of the day has it, to “splurge.”

When a young girl attends a ball with her mother or some matron who has kindly consented to chaperon her, she always allows her elderly companion to enter the room first, and then walks beside her to greet the hostess, who usually stands at the head of the room or in a position not far from the door. The hostess should offer her hand to each guest, either man or woman, and express her pleasure at seeing them. 

If the dance is given for a daughter already in society or to introduce a debutante, the young lady stands by her mother and assists in receiving the guests. She does not begin to dance, until after the first half hour, coming back occasionally between the dances to the side of her parent to talk to some of the older guests or to greet the late arrivals. – Copyright, 1905, by A. S. Barnes & Co.

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Etiquette of the Ballroom Supper

A ticket to the Patriarch Ball of  New York’s Gilded Age society, in 1892.

The Supper

At most large balls, unless they are very splendid entertainments given by millionaires, the supper is served from the buffet, which means that the guests do not sit down at tables as at a dinner, but seat themselves in chairs placed against the wall of the dining room, or even remain in the ball room or the library, and are served by the waiters or the men guests. 

The menu can be as elaborate or simple as is desired. Bouillon, salads, escalloped oysters, patés, sandwiches, ice cream, fancy cakes and bonbons are usually offered. And champagne, light wines and claret cups are served, while tiny cups of black coffee make an appropriate finale. This is the menu for a big ball; for a smaller dance, bouillon, one hot dish, such as escalloped oysters; chicken, shrimp salad; sandwiches, lobster, or ice cream, cake and coffee will be ample. 

At an informal affair even less will suffice, and salad, ice cream, cake and coffee are all that are really needed. Throughout the evening punch or lemonade is served in an anteroom or a corner of the hall, so that the guests can refresh themselves between the dances.

At large and ceremonious balls one may with perfect propriety arrive at any hour before 12; but at small dances it is considered in better taste to enter the ballroom within an hour of the time specified in the invitation. –By Eleanor B. Clapp, San Francisco Call, 1905 

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A Gilded Age Ball of Unalloyed Pleasure

While etiquette will be rigidly enforced it will not confine itself to evening suits and gloves…

THE first ball of the season will be given by the Young Men's Institute, No. 87, of Merced, October 10th, at the spacious dining roam of the Tuolumne Hotel, which will be tastefully decorated for the occasion. The orchestra, composing four pieces, will be of especial excellence, while the floor managers promise to unite for the nonce in one common party. Their names indicate strength and dignity, combined with elegance and grace. While etiquette will be rigidly enforced it will not confine itself to evening suits and gloves, but to the general idea of honest, pure, unalloyed pleasure. Such is one of the objects of the Y. M. I., No. 87, of Merced. – Merced Sun-Star, 1888

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Gilded Age Ball Etiquette

Above, a gilded age, gilt and sterling macaroni server. Macaroni, served in a variety of ways– both hot and cold– was a popular dish served at gilded age tables, just as it is today.—
“An elaborate supper for a ball or party includes both hot and cold dishes and nothing which the market furnishes is deemed too elaborate. Game birds of the smaller species are served cold, the larger birds hot; boned fowl is especially liked, and salads in variety and profusion are considered essential; rich patties of various sorts and truffled and scolloped dishes in variety reinforce the list, while cake, ices, flowers, fruit and candelabra ad to the beauty of the feast. Champagne is a favorite beverage, but a discreet hostess, who is entertaining young men with whose tastes and habits she unacquainted, is very careful about the beverages she offers.” – Eliza Lavin

A lady who gives a large ball usually requests a few friends whose acquaintance is large to assist her in receiving, and these relieve her of much solicitude by assuming the responsibility of seeing that diffident young men and women are not “walled,” as their more sprightly associates term it. Men introduce other men to the ladies of their own families and also to any other ladies whose permission they may receive. 

A gentleman, who desires to present a friend, politely asks a young girl’s chaperon if he may introduce Mr. Blank, provided it will be agreeable to Miss Blank. On receiving permission, he brings his friend up and presents him to the chaperon first and then to the young lady, and Mr. Blank returns the young lady to the chaperon soon after the dance. If a gentleman has been dancing with a young lady with whom he has previous acquaintance, a short promenade before leaving her with her party is not out of place and is quite agreeable after a dance, but a girl should not assume that it is to follow a dance with a stranger. He may have other engagements or contemplate bestowing his attentions elsewhere. In any event, his acquaintance with her should be conducted in the presence of the elder lady who accompanies her. This is only respectful to both ladies.

Well-bred young men outnumber the thoughtless and ill-bred; consequently a lady receives all the attention necessary to make such an occasion enjoyable, even if she be not a reigning belle or has only a limited acquaintance. Gentlemen who accompany ladies to balls endeavor to be near them when supper is announced, so as to attend them to the supper-room; but if they are not, they must look for them and see they are being properly cared for, before offering their services to others. 

If a gentleman has no prior claims upon his attention at this time, he should offer his arm to the lady with whom he has been talking or dancing, always recognizing first the superior claim of an elderly lady to consideration. The mother or chaperon takes his arm and the younger lady walks beside her. It is not the best form for two ladies to each take an arm. A lady is not free to decline this attention, even though she may have expected it from another.

Gentlemen should be careful to see that ladies are provided for before they attend to their own wants, and any gentleman may extend such formal attentions as offering to escort to the supper-room ladies who may be unattended, to bring them ices, find seats for them or to escort them to their carriages, and in all this his warrant is his willingness to conform to the requirements of good breeding and compliment his hostess. He need not be deterred from showing such trifling attentions, nor need ladies decline them, because a formal introduction has not taken place.— From Eliza Lavin’s, “Good Manners,” 1888

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Gilded Age Ball-Room Customs

Sometimes it is more convenient to entertain in a public hall, instead of at home, especially where there is no room for dancing in the house, and there are a large number to be entertained. In that case the invitations are issued as shown above.

A DANCING party assumes the proportions of a ball when several hundred invitations are issued, and the affair takes place in the ball-room of a club or hotel. Few private homes are equipped with sufficient space to give a large ball with comfort. Subscription dances always take place in a public ball-room, the invitations bearing the names of the patronesses.

At private dancing parties the word ‘ball’ is not used, but “Cotillon,” or “Dancing after ten,” or just simply the word “Dancing,” at the bottom of a reception card, indicates the nature of the entertainment.

An awning is usually spread from the house to the street, with a canvas or carpet to protect dainty gowns and slippers, especially if the weather is inclement.

A polished hardwood floor is fine for dancing, with paraffin, wax, or even a slight sprinkling of corn meal to make it delight fully smooth. This will be a welcome hint to those who are fond of after-dinner drawing-room dancing, with an accommodating member of the family at the piano and even father participating in the pretty figures which young people love.

There should be a row of small chairs around a ball-room for chaperons and dancers. Camp chairs are best, as they may be easily moved. Decorations of flowers and palms add to the effect, but ostentatious trimming of the room is not necessary.

At a full-fledged ball, a stringed orchestra furnishes the music; at dancing parties of an informal nature, two or three pieces are sufficient. There must be dance programmes furnished. They are placed in the dressing-rooms or handed to the guests by a servant as they enter the ball-room. At small parties programmes are not necessary; there should then be a master of ceremonies, who will attend to the music.

When the guests number more than a hundred, there should be checks in the dressing-rooms, and for the carriages, these details being in charge of a servant. At such affairs, a buffet supper is served and no attempt made to seat all the guests at once. There must be a punch or frappé bowl in charge of a servant who must keep a large supply of clean glasses constantly on hand. A caterer is usually employed for these large functions, and he supplies everything, from extra servants to smallest items, such as spoons, napkins, etc.

A mother is assisted in receiving by her daughters, and by as many others as she wishes to honor. Her husband assists also, and carefully watches to see that every one dances; that the chaperons receive attention; in fact, he must be a general utility man.

A young man, at a ball, must put aside all his personal preferences and dance with any strangers in the community who may not know many people. For the time being he must consider himself the obedient servant of his hostess, and assist her in every possible way. This is put thus strongly because often our dancing men absorb the attention of one or two especially popular girls to the exclusion of other maids who are not so attractive, or perhaps not such good dancers. A hostess feels dreadfully if there are “wall-flowers,” and every man should see to it that there are none.

Introductions are essential at a ball, and the daughters of the house are equally responsible with their mother in seeing that presentations are made.

For the “German,” or as it is more generally called, the “Cotillon,” there should be an equal number of men and women. It is the hostess who chooses the man to lead, and she asks him if he wishes a partner to assist or if he wishes to lead alone. His decision must be unquestioned.

She consults him as to the favors, and he selects all the figures to suit himself. Any friend who does not dance may be asked to preside at the favor table, and the hostess may do so if she is not dancing, or one of the chaperons may thus assist.

A son of the hostess must see that all guests are provided with partners, and assumes an equal responsibility with his mother and father. It is poor taste for men to congregate in the cloak rooms and smoke during more than one dance. They were invited to make themselves generally agreeable, and a man who wishes to lounge and smoke should not accept the invitation. In entering a ball-room, a woman precedes a man whether husband, father, or brother; an elderly woman precedes the younger in making her greeting to the hostess.

If a young woman is not asked immediately to dance, she remains seated by her chaperon. Unless her programme is entirely full, a dance with the son of the hostess may not be refused, nor may she refuse a dance with one man and immediately after give it to some one else. She must sit out that dance.

A woman may not be excused from a promised engagement unless too ill to dance. If she refuses, that finishes her dancing for the evening. The young man she refuses may look for another partner, after seeing that she is made comfortable by returning her to her chaperon.

Unless engaged to a man, a girl should not make herself conspicuous by dancing with the same person too often, nor is it proper to disappear into secluded corners and sit out dances with a man.

The writer is often asked by young girls just entering society what to say when asked to dance. A woman merely hands the man her programme, and says “I am not engaged for that dance, and will give it to you with pleasure.” there are no programmes, she says “You may have the dance (or that number); I'll be very glad to dance it with you.” There really can be no set phrases, for what would sound natural from one person would sound affected from another, and the main thing is to be just one's natural self.

When the dance is over a man may say “Thank you,” and the girl respond with, “It certainly was delightful, the music is excellent,” or words to that effect. A man, if late to keep his dance engagement, should be profuse in his apologies.

A man must always give the first dance to the woman he escorts, or if he is unattached, his first duties are to the daughters of the hostess or guests in the house; after that he may seek his own pleasure, keeping a watchful eye open to see when he may assist his hostess. It is a woman's privilege to make the move to go home, and adieus need not be said unless occasion offers when the hostess is disengaged.

If a man is suddenly called away from a ball it is his duty to personally explain his absence to everyone with whom he may have a dance engaged, and if possible provide partners for them; this may be difficult, and he may be pardoned if not successful.

A man may send flowers to the young lady whom he is to escort to a ball, but it is not obligatory. If he is engaged, it is a thoughtful attention to send his fiancée a bunch of violets, for there is no girl who does not love and appreciate them. —From Ellye Howell Glover’s Dame Curtsey’s Book of Etiquette, 1916

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Fascinating Details of an Astor Ball

A gilded age depiction of the fickle and oft-engaged, but only once married, Miss Van Alen. She was great granddaughter to Caroline Astor

NEW YORK, Jan. 18.-Mrs. Astor gave a ball last night and when Mrs. Astor gives a ball, society has something to talk about. In view of the splendor of the house the floral decorations were comparatively simple.

Scarcely more than the usual number of palms lined the foyers and tall vases filled with American beauty roses in the drawing rooms and clusters of orchids on the supper tables were the principal flowers used.

The guest of honor was Miss Van Alen, the eldest daughter of James J. Van Alen and a great granddaughter of the hostess. This is the second grand ball given by Mrs. Astor in honor of her young kinswoman. 

Another guest, who practically shared honors with Miss Van Alen was Mrs. George Haig of England, formerly Mrs. J. Coleman Brayton, the favorite daughter of Mrs. Astor, and who, to gether with Mr. Haig, will sail for England on Wednesday.

Nearly all the guests came from the opera, so that it was well on toward midnight when the carriages began to roll up to Mrs. Astor's door. The picture galleries of Mrs. Astor's house and John Jacob Astor's house, which are also the ballrooms, were thrown into one.

Supper was served at sixty tables in the dining room. Mrs Astor presided at a large table of ten of her intimates and Mrs. John Jacob Astor at another of twelve. The remaining tables were smaller. 

When the company returned to the ballroom a litttle before 2 o'clock this morning, it was bordered with gilded chairs for the cotillion which began at once. Elisha Dyer, Jr., was the leader, with Mrs. John Jacob Astor for a partner. But so vast was the assemblage that Craig Wadsworth was requested to lead at the old end of the double ball room. He danced with Mrs. Orme Wilson.— The Associated Press,1898 

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Agony Aunt Chastises Young Men

“O, men why are you so thoughtless? Don't you know how much scrimping and saving it requires for us to be able to purchase a silken gown? One in which you are proud to have your sweetheart, sister or wife appear? And remember that in order to win a girl’s heart you must show appreciation and admiration when she spends all her money and three hours of her time to be admired by you.”

I am in receipt of a letter from one Dame Durden, spinster, who is anxious to be allowed some little space in the Sunday issue of this paper, in which to express her sentiments as regards the treatment of her “pets.” Be it known that Dame Durden is the “Friend of Woman.” Some of her “girls” have been confiding their woes to her of late and have prevailed upon her to publicly express her views. It is with great pleasure that I allow Dame Durden space in my particular column.– The Society Editor

NOTE– Men, don't tell the young ladies who told you, but Dame Durden is, to my certain knowledge, as fond of and as ready to uphold you as she is the said young ladies, and should they, during this their year, in any way mistreat you, I will just as willingly donate my column in your behalf as theirs. – The Society Editor

SAN BERNARDINO, Feb. 5. I am passé. The saddest moment of my life was the one in which this fact came home to me. But this does not prevent my having some of the dearest friends one could wish for, and among the most cherished are some of this season’s “buds.” The young ladies all come to Dame Durden for consolation and advice. And no one takes more pleasure in their pleasures than I. 

About 11 o'clock last Saturday morning I went over to G’s house to learn all about the ball given the evening before. I found my dear little friend in tears. On asking the cause of all this sorrow, she led the way, silently, to her own room, and there on the bed lay her newest evening gown– ruined. She held up the once dainty waist, and could some of the beaux of that ball have heard the tirade (uttered be tween sobs) against them, they would, I am sure, have pitied poor little G.

“O, how I hate them! (Sobs) Every last one, although I'm not sure just which one did do it!" (More sobs) And she showed me the once gauze-covered sleeve with the gauze hanging in strings, and amid more and more of those sobs told me how she had gone there after three hours’ primping and how all the neighbors who came in to see her ready for the “fray,” as it afterward proved, told her she looked “like a dream.” “But you should have seen me when I got home!” And she went on to tell how one man in particular took hold of her as tho’ for protection more than anything else, and tugged away at her dainty sleeve until– well, you could only realize it all by a look at that sleeve.

And the back of that beloved gown was next displayed– I know there must have been an hundred handprints there. O, men why are you so thoughtless? Don't you know how much scrimping and saving it requires for us to be able to purchase a silken gown? One in which you are proud to have your sweetheart, sister or wife appear? And remember that in order to win a girl’s heart you must show appreciation and admiration when she spends all her money and three hours of her time to be admired by you.– “Dame Durden,” The Weekly Sun, 1896

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Ward McAllister’s Society Patriarchs

“We then resolved that the responsibility of inviting each batch of nine guests should rest upon the shoulders of the Patriarch who invited them, and that if any objectionable element was introduced, it was the Management's duty to at once let it be known by whom such objectionable party was invited, and to notify the Patriarch so offending, that he had done us an injury, and pray him to be more circumspect.”

There is one rule in life I invariably carry out never to rely wholly on my own judgment, but to get the advice of others, weigh it well and satisfy myself of its correctness, and then act on it. I went in this city to those who could make the best analysis of men; who knew their past as well as their present, and could foresee their future. In this way, I made up an Executive Committee of three gentlemen, who daily met at my house, and we went to work in earnest to make a list of those we should ask to join in the undertaking. 

One of this Committee, a very bright, hit upon the name of Patriarchs for the Association, which was at once adopted, and then, after some discussion, we limited the number of Patriarchs to twenty-five, and that each Patriarch, for his subscription, should have the right of inviting to each ball four ladies and five gentlemen, including himself and family; that all distinguished strangers, up to fifty, should be asked; and then established the rules governing the giving of these balls all of which, with some slight modifications, have been carried out to the letter to this day. The following gentlemen were then asked to become “Patriarchs,” and at once joined the little band:

Ward McAllister’s List of  “Patriarchs” from his book, “Society as I Have Found It”

The object we had in view was to make these balls thoroughly representative; to embrace the old Colonial New Yorkers, our adopted citizens, and men whose ability and integrity had won the esteem of the community, and who formed an important element in society. We wanted the money power, but not in any way to be controlled by it. Patriarchs were chosen solely for their fitness; on each of them promising to invite to each ball only such people as would do credit to the ball. 

We then resolved that the responsibility of inviting each batch of nine guests should rest upon the shoulders of the Patriarch who invited them, and that if any objectionable element was introduced, it was the Management's duty to at once let it be known by whom such objectionable party was invited, and to notify the Patriarch so offending, that he had done us an injury, and pray him to be more circumspect. He then stood before the community as a sponsor of his guest, and all society, knowing the offense he had clever man.– Ward McAllister in, “Society as I Have Found It”

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and the Fancy Dress Ball

Engaged to Duke of Roxburghe, Miss May Goelet (photographed  in a suitably elaborate costume for a fancy dress ball) went on to become the newest “American Duchess” of her day. – The Devonshire House Fancy Dress Ball was held on the 2nd of July, in 1897, to celebrate Queen Victoria’s Diamond Jubilee. Hosted by the Duke and Duchess of Devonshire, with many prominent royals, aristocrats, and society figures in attendance, it was considered the highlight of the 1897 London Season. Throwing a fancy dress ball was undoubtedly the most fashionable and lavish way for a society hostess to establish herself during the later part of the Victorian era. The fabulously and richly costumed affairs, were widely covered in the newspapers of the day. Every detail of who wore what was covered. For those with more money than social savvy or fashion sense, fancy dress etiquette advice was dished out in costume manuals and books. Guests dressing up as famous historical figures was most popular, but in some cases, peasant costumes from a particular historical era, or dressing up as food, was at times de rigueur.

Royalty Danced in Golden Robes

Duchess of Devonshire's Ball Ends Jubilee Gayety – The Titled of Earth Caparisoned in Costliest Costumes of History – Fancy Dress Event In London Which Rivals the Noted Bradley-Martin Function

LONDON, England, July 2.— The Duchess of Devonshire's historical fancy dress ball to-night was the final gayety of the Jubilee season.

It was an affair which gained only less advance notoriety than the Bradley-Mar-tin ball given in New York City last winter. No royal palace in England was ever filled with a more gorgeous throng than assembled to-night in Devonshire House. The Duchess of Devonshire, as Zenobia, wore a costume of green, white and gold and many huge diamonds. Diamonds hung from the horns of her gold helmet, which was studded with jewels, while beautiful pearls gleamed in chains about her head and shoulders. The Duke of Devonshire appeared as Charles V of Germany.

On the arrival of the royal guests the Duchess conducted them to a dais, where they formed a magnificent group. All wore sixteenth-century costumes, most of them blazing with jewels. The Princess of Wales, masquerading as Marguerite de Valois, appeared in a white and gold dress, with an Elizabethan ruff and with a heavy train gorgeously embroidered with gold and silver, bestudded with many colored jewels. In attendance upon her were her three daughters and the Duchess of York, the last named in a pale blue gown embroidered with silver. Princess Victoria of Wales was attired in a blue and gold brocade costume, embroidered with fleur-de-lis in gold and white.

Six courtiers, members of the highest nobility, wearing handsome costumes of the period of Henri Trois, accompanied the Prince and the Princess of Wales. The Prince, as Grand Master of the Knights of Malta, wore a doublet and trunk hose of black Genoese velvet slashed with gray and white, with a Maltese cross embroidered on his left breast. He wore orders of the Garter and of the Knights of Malta. His hat, high and narrow, was encircled by a jeweled chain. There was a diamond cross in front and white plumes behind. A velvet cape embroidered with a Maltese cross completed his sumptuous equipment. 

The Duke of York as Earl of Cumberland, Queen Elizabeth's Master of Horse, wore one of the most striking costumes. It was composed of a gray velvet doublet and cape embroidered with broad bands of gold, a steel gorget inlaid with gold, crimson velvet trunks slashed with gray satin and embroidered with gold, and high boots. His cape was lined with crimson satin. The Duke of Connaught appeared as an Elizabethan general, he wore a steel cuirass inlaid with gold, and the remainder of his costume was of dark gray velvet slashed with satin and embroidered with gold. The Duchess of Connaught as Anne of Austria wore a costume of pale tan and rose.

Prince Charles of Denmark appeared as a Danish student in dark purple. The Grand Duke Michael of Russia wore a black and gold Henri Quatre suit. The foregoing in no wise exhausting the list of royal personages present, all of whom were caparisoned in the costliest costumes and with the greatest attention to historical accuracy. Many dresses had necessitated a dozen or more sketches by authorities, and were works of high art. Among the guests was Mrs. Ogden Goelet of New York, who wore a wonderful white costume covered with diamond crescents and stars. – San Francisco Call, 1897

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

More 19th C. Ballroom Etiquette

If you know a young lady slightly, it is sufficient to say to her, ‘May I have the pleasure of dancing this waltz, etc., with you?’

The author of a recent work on etiquette, published in England, gives the following hints for those who go to balls. He says:—

“When inviting a lady to dance, if she replies very politely, asking to be excused, as she does not wish to dance (‘with you,’ being probably her mental reservation), a man ought to be satisfied. At all events, he should never press her to dance after one refusal. The set forms which Turveydrop would give for the invitation are too much of the deportment school to be used in practice. If you know a young lady slightly, it is sufficient to say to her, ‘May I have the pleasure of dancing this waltz, etc.., with you?’ or if intimately, ‘Will you dance, Miss A—?’ 

The young lady who has refused one gentleman, has no right to accept another for that dance; and young ladies who do not wish to be annoyed, must take care not to accept two gentlemen for the same dance. In Germany such innocent blunders often cause fatal results. Two partners arrive at the same moment to claim the fair one’s hand; she vows she has not made a mistake; ‘was sure she was engaged to Herr A—, and not to Herr B—;’ Herr B— is equally certain that she was engaged to him. 

The awkwardness is, that if he at once gives her up, he appears to be indifferent about it; while, if he presses his suit, he must quarrel with Herr A—, unless the damsel is clever enough to satisfy both of them; and particularly if there is an especial interest in Herr B—, he yields at last, but when the dance is over, sends a friend to Herr A—. 

Absurd as all this is, it is common, and I have often seen one Herr or the other walking about with a huge gash on his cheek, or his arm in a sling, a few days after a ball.

Friendship, it appears, can be let out on hire. The lady who was so very amiable to you last night, has a right to ignore your existence to-day. In fact, a ball room acquaintance rarely goes any farther, until you have met at more balls than one. In the same way a man cannot, after being introduced to a young lady to dance with, ask her to do so more than twice in the same evening. 

A man may dance four or even five times with the same partner. On the other hand, a real well-bred man will wish to be useful, and there are certain people whom it is imperative on him to ask to dance—the daughters of the house, for instance, and any young ladies whom he may know intimately; but most of all the well-bred and amiable man will sacrifice himself to those plain, ill-dressed, dull looking beings who cling to the wall, unsought and despairing. After all, he will not regret his good nature. The spirits reviving at the unexpected invitation, the wall-flower will pour out her best conversation, will dance her best, and will show him her gratitude in some way or other.

The formal bow at the end of a quadrille has gradually dwindled away. At the end of every dance you offer your right arm to your partner, (if by mistake you offer the left, you may turn the blunder into a pretty compliment, by reminding her that is le bras du coeur, nearest the heart, which if not anatomically true, is, at least, no worse than talking of a sunset and sunrise), and walk half round the room with her. 

You then ask her if she will take any refreshment, and, if she accepts, you convey your precious allotment of tarlatane to the refreshment room to be invigorated by an ice or negus, or what you will. It is judicious not to linger too long in this room, if you are engaged to some one else for the next dance. You will have the pleasure of hearing the music begin in the distant ball room, and of reflecting that an expectant fair is sighing for you like Marianna–

“He cometh not,” she said.

She said, “I am a-weary a-weary,

I would I were in bed;”

which is not an unfrequent wish in some ball rooms. A well-bred girl, too, will remember this, and always offer to return to the ball room, however interesting the conversation.

“If you are prudent you will not dance every dance, nor in fact, much more than half the number on the list; you will then escape that hateful redness of face at the time, and that wearing fatigue the next day which are among the worst features of a ball. Again, a gentleman must remember that a ball is essentially a lady’s party, and in their presence he should be gentle and delicate almost to a fault, never pushing his way, apologizing if he tread on a dress, still more so if he tears it, begging pardon for any accidental annoyance he may occasion, and addressing every body with a smile. But quite unpardonable are those men whom one sometimes meets, who, standing in a door-way, talk and laugh as they would in a barrack or college-rooms, always coarsely, often indelicately. 

What must the state of their minds be, if the sight of beauty, modesty, and virtue, does not awe them into silence! A man, too, who strolls down the room with his head in the air, looking as if there were not a creature there worth dancing with, is an ill-bred man, so is he who looks bored; and worse than all is he who takes too much champagne.

“If you are dancing with a young lady when the supper-room is opened, you must ask her if she would like to go to supper, and if she says ‘yes,’ which, in 999 cases out of 1000, she certainly will do, you must take her thither. If you are not dancing, the lady of the house will probably recruit you to take in some chaperon. However little you may relish this, you must not show your disgust. In fact, no man ought to be disgusted “at being able to do anything for a lady; it should be his highest privilege, but it is not—in these modern unchivalrous days—perhaps never was so. 

Having placed your partner then at the supper-table, if there is room there, but if not at a side-table, or even at none, you must be as active as Puck in attending to her wants, and as women take as long to settle their fancies in edibles as in love-matters, you had better at once get her something substantial, chicken, pâté de foie gras, mayonnaise, or what you will. Afterwards come jelly and trifle in due course.

While the lady is supping you must stand by and talk to her, attending to every want, and the most you may take yourself is a glass of champagne when you help her. You then lead her up stairs again

“A young lady often goes down half-a-dozen times to the supper-room—it is to be hoped not for the purpose of eating—but she should not do so with the same partner more than once. While the lady is supping you must stand by and talk to her, attending to every want, and the most you may take yourself is a glass of champagne when you help her. You then lead her up stairs again, and if you are not wanted there any more, you may steal down and do a little quiet refreshment on your own account. 

As long, however, as there are many ladies still at the table, you have no right to begin. Nothing marks a man here so much as gorging at supper. Balls are meant for dancing, not eating, and unfortunately too many young men forget this in the present day. Lastly, be careful what you say and how you dance after supper, even more so than before it, for if you in the slightest way displease a young lady, she may fancy that you have been too partial to strong fluids, and ladies never forgive that."– From Cecil B. Hartley's. “The Gentlemen's Book of Etiquette and Manual of Politeness"

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia