Emily Post’s “Don’ts” for Tables

Crackers are passed with oyster stew and with salad, and any one who wants “relishes” can have them in his own house (although they insult the cook!). — Above, a rare Knowles' gilded sterling cracker scoop with oyster crackers and a gilded oyster stew ladle.

Don'ts In Table Setting!

Don't put ribbon trimmings on your table. Satin bands and bows have no more place on a lady's table than have chop-house appurtenances. Pickle jars, catsup bottles, toothpicks and crackers are not private-house table ornaments. Crackers are passed with oyster stew and with salad, and any one who wants "relishes" can have them in his own house (although they insult the cook!). At all events, pickles and tomato sauces and other cold meat condiments are never presented at the table in a bottle, but are put in glass dishes with small serving spoons. Nothing is ever served from the jar or bottle it comes in except certain kinds of cheese, Bar-le-Duc preserves (only sometimes) and wines. Pickles, jellies, jams, olives, are all put into small glass dishes.

Saucers for vegetables are contrary to all etiquette. The only extra plates ever permitted are the bread and butter plates which are put on at breakfast and lunch and supper above and to the left of the forks, but never at dinner. The crescent-shaped salad plate, made to fit at the side of the place plate, is rarely seen in fashionable houses. When two plates are made necessary by the serving of game or broiled chicken or squab, for which the plate should be very hot, at the same time as the salad which is cold, the crescent-shaped plate is convenient in that it takes little room.

A correct and very good serving dish for a family of two, is the vegetable dish that has a partition dividing it into two or even three divisions, so that a small quantity of two or three vegetables can be passed at the same time.

Napkin rings are unknown in fashionable houses outside of the nursery. But in large families where it is impossible to manage such a wash as three clean napkins a day entail, napkin rings are probably necessary. In most moderately run houses, a napkin that is unrumpled and spotless after a meal, is put aside and used again for breakfast; but to be given a napkin that is not perfectly clean is a horrid thought. Perhaps though, the necessity for napkin rings results in the achievement of the immaculate napkin—which is quite a nice thought. —Emily Post in “Etiquette,” 1922

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Emily Post on “Yesterday‘s Dinner Table”

“Loading a table to the maximum of its capacity with useless implements which only in rarest instances had the least value, would seem to prove that quantity without quality must have been thought evidence of elegance and generous hospitality! And the astounding part of the bad taste epidemic was that few if any escaped.”

The Dinner Table Of Yesterday

All of us old enough to remember the beginning of this century can bring to mind the typical (and most fashionable) dinner table of that time. Occasionally it was oblong or rectangular, but its favorite shape was round, and a thick white damask cloth hung to the floor on all sides. Often as not there was a large lace centerpiece, and in the middle of it was a floral mound of roses (like a funeral piece, exactly), usually red. The four compotiers were much scrolled and embossed, and the four candlesticks, also scrolled, but not to match, had shades of perforated silver over red silk linings, like those in restaurants today.  And there was a gas droplight thickly petticoated with fringed red silk. 

The plates were always heavily “jewelled” and hand painted, and enough forks and knives and spoons were arrayed at each “place” for a dozen courses. The glasses numbered at least six, and the entire table was laden with little dishes—and spoons! There were olives, radishes, celery and salted nuts in glass dishes; and about ten kinds of sugar-plums in ten different styles of ornate and bumpy silver dishes; and wherever a small space of tablecloth showed through, it was filled with either a big “Apostle” spoon or little Dutch ones criss-crossed.

Bread was always rolled in the napkin (and usually fell on the floor) and the oysters were occasionally found already placed on the table when the guests came in to dinner! Loading a table to the maximum of its capacity with useless implements which only in rarest instances had the least value, would seem to prove that quantity without quality must have been thought evidence of elegance and generous hospitality! And the astounding part of the bad taste epidemic was that few if any escaped. Even those who had inherited colonial silver and glass and china of consummate beauty, sent it dust-gathering to the attic and cluttered their tables with stuffy and spurious lumber.

But today the classic has come into its own again! As though recovering from an illness, good taste is again demanding severe beauty of form and line, and banishing everything that is useless or superfluous. During the last twenty years most of us have sent an army of lumpy dishes to the melting-pot, and junky ornaments to the ash heap along with plush table covers, upholstered mantel-boards and fern dishes! Today we are going almost to the extreme of bareness, and putting nothing on our tables not actually needed for use. —Emily Post in “Etiquette,” 1922

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of  The RSVP Institute of Etiquette , is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Emily Post on “The Dining Room”

Emily Post wrote, “If your house has a great Georgian dining-room, the table should be set with Georgian or an earlier  period English silver.” — Etiquipedia does not think Post meant this type of authentic Georgian silver with steel-tined forks nor steel-bladed knives, as shown above . 

The Dining-room

It is scarcely necessary to point out that the bigger and more ambitious the house, the more perfect its appointments must be. If your house has a great Georgian dining-room, the table should be set with Georgian or an earlier  period English silver. Furthermore, in a "great" dining-room, all the silver should be real! "Real" meaning nothing so trifling as "sterling," but genuine and important "period" pieces made by Eighteenth Century silversmiths, such as de Lamerie or Crespell or Buck or Robertson, or perhaps one of their predecessors. Or yes, like Mrs. Oldname, you live in an old Colonial house, you are perhaps also lucky enough to have inherited some genuine American pieces made by Daniel Rogers or Paul Revere! Or if you are an ardent admirer of Early Italian architecture and have built yourself a Fifteenth Century stone-floored and frescoed or tapestry-hung dining room, you must set your long refectory table with a "runner" of old hand-linen and altar embroidery, or perhaps Thirteenth Century damask and great cisterns or ewers and beakers in high-relief silver and gold; or in Callazzioli or majolica, with great bowls of fruit and church candlesticks of gilt, and even follow as far as is practicable the crude table implements of that time. It need not be pointed out that Twentieth Century appurtenances in a Thirteenth or Fifteenth Century room are anachronisms. But because the dining-table in the replica of a palace (whether English, Italian, Spanish or French) may be equipped with great "standing cups" and candelabra so heavy a man can scarcely lift one, it does not follow that all the rest of us who live in medium or small houses, should attempt anything of the sort. Nothing could be more out of proportion—and therefore in worse taste. Nor is it necessary, in order to have a table that is inviting, to set it with any of the completely exquisite things which all people of taste long for, but which are possessed (in quantity at least) only through wealth, inheritance, or "collector's luck." — From “Etiquette,” by Emily Post, 1922

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Humor and Dieting in 1969

Dieting and Exercising? Table manners burn very few calories, so eating properly is not considered good exercise. Polite? Yes. Good exercise? No... — “The amount of energy expended in wielding a knife and fork probably is about the same as that required to depress typewriter keys. It may therefore be assumed that eating burns about 56 calories an hour. If that figure is anything like accurate, we can see at a glance that, eating is a very poor way to lose weight.”

THE LIGHTER SIDE

WASHINGTON (UPI) - It is well known that the only way to avoid gaining weight is to balance your intake of calories with the calories you burn through exercise and other activity. The ideal arrangement would be to burn as many calories eating the food as the food itself contains. Then we could forget about jogging, skiing, karate and all of those other silly exercises. Unfortunately, however, it is very difficult for a person to expend enough energy eating to offset the calories he eats. In this respect, we are victims of good table manners. 

Emily Post and other etiquette arbiters have imposed standards that demand a certain amount of restraint in the way we consume our victuals. I have never seen any figures on the number of calories the average person burns during a meal. It has been calculated, however, that a person burns about 56 calories an hour while operating a nonelectric typewriter. The amount of energy expended in wielding a knife and fork probably is about the same as that required to depress typewriter keys. It may therefore be assumed that eating burns about 56 calories an hour. If that figure is anything like accurate, we can see at a glance that, eating is a very poor way to lose weight. 

A single slice of mince pie consumed in a matter of minutes infuses us with more calories (450) than we burn during the entire dinner hour. The solution to this problem is to develop a more vigorous method of dining one that requires us to use vast amounts of energy while partaking of viands. Going back to the old hoarding house style would do it. You very rarely saw a fat boarder. But it is doubtful our present concept of civilization would countenance a return to the raw savagery and violence that existed around boarding house dining tables. 

A more humane approach would be to have everyone take nourishment under the conditions that prevail at cocktail parties. As a conservative estimate it may be assumed that the average person burns 5,280 calories an hour fighting off starvation at cocktail parties. The food he gets during the squandering of that amount of energy probably contains about 98 calories. If we adopted the cocktail party system at home if, in other words, we had to snatch our food off passing trays and eat it from tiny plates while milling around in congested areas absorbing blows to the ribs from errant elbows obesity would soon be a thing of the past. We might drink ourselves to death, but we would die skinny. — By Dick West, 1969

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Introduction Etiquette and Arm Wrestling

“The rules should be rewritten to require that when two or more persons are introduced they must cement the acquaintance by arm wrestling. You will never forget the name of anyone you have bested at arm wrestling, or of anyone who has bested you. Besides that, it helps get a cocktail party off to a good start…” 

🍸 🍹 🍸 🍹 🍸 🍹 🍸 🍹

What Have We Here? – Two hostess, or sweetmeat, serving sets in silver and gilded silver from France, along with a 1940’s American version of the French sets, called “Harlequin Sets,” made by Reed and Barton in the United States. They were made in both sterling and silver plate. They are serving up some typical, mid 20th century hors d’oeuvres which were often found at “cocktail parties.” Cocktails were the main feature, as from stories I heard as a child lead me to believe that a lot more drinking (and cigarette smoking) than eating transpired at these events. Martinis were especially popular. This 5 piece Harlequin set in the box features different, diminutive serving pieces using designs which were once popularly used for everything from jelly to escargots or berries, to nuts, sauces, etc... floral handles were added to them and stores sold them as versatile “party sets.” — From the book, “Yesteryear… More of What Have We Here? The Etiquette and Essentials of Past Times to the Mid-20th Century” by Site Editor, Maura J. Graber 

Introduction Etiquette In Need of Revision

WASHINGTON (UPD—What this country needs is a new book of etiquette. Right, Emily? Particularly is this true of the chapter on introductions. In my lifetime thus far I probably have been introduced to 5.000 people and I would guess that 5,000 others have been introduced to me. Yet I have never once learned anyone’s name during a formal introduction. Names uttered at those moments leave no more impression on my brain than the college algebra classes I once attended. If the hostess at a cocktail party introduces me to one of the guests, I always have to sidle up to the hostess later and whisper “What did you say that fellow’s name was?” That’s if I’m lucky. In most cases she wanders off and leaves me stuck with the person whose name I didn’t catch. 

Then another guest will join us and ask to be introduced. I’ll concede that my memory could never compete in an adhesive contest with the cheaper grades of flypaper. But 1 do say that I can ordinarily remember words no longer than most proper names for at least 15 seconds after I hear them. I blame the mental blackout that I experience during introductions on the cumbersome procedure set forth in the etiquette books for performing this function. As soon as an introduction begins. I immediately start trying to decide how I am going to acknowledge it—whether I am going to say “How do you do,” “Pleased to meet you,” or “Charmed, I’m sure.” It is this preoccupation with the ritual of the introduction that causes me to miss the names. And the same is true when I am performing an introduction. 

I get so intent on trying to remember whether the lady is introduced to the man, or whether the older person is introduced to the younger, that I forget the names of the people I am introducing. With friends this is embarrassing and when one of the names that slip your mind happens to belong to the woman you married it is downright painful. Which is why I say that what this country needs is a new book of etiquette. The rules should be rewritten to require that when two or more persons are introduced they must cement the acquaintance by arm wrestling. You will never forget the name of anyone you have bested at arm wrestling, or of anyone who has bested you. Besides that, it helps get a cocktail party off to a good start. — By Dick West Reports, for the San Bernardino Sun, 1964

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

1937’s “Post OK’d” Modern Manners, Part 2

 “For years it has been considered the height of rudeness to send typewritten letters to your friends. But nowadays, Mrs. Post holds, it is entirely correct to type personal letters, on all except formal occasions. The great convenience of the typewriter, plus the legibility of its product as compared to the deplorable handwriting of so many people have helped bring this about.”— Above, a letter from Emily Post to a friend in 1940, from the Etiquipedia private library and future Etiquette Museum

 Are Your Manners Streamlined to Modern Tempo?

Radical Changes in Social Customs Approved by Emily Post, America's Arbiter of Deportment, Who Gives Her “All Rights” and “Don'ts” in the World of Etiquette

RADIO and motoring manners are two more modern themes to receive Mrs. Post's consideration. She expresses wonder that men and women, ordinarily quite polite and considerate of others, so often become quite the reverse as soon as they sit behind the steering wheel of a car. Hand signals, she shows are just as trüly gestures of courtesy as is the gentlemanly ritual of raising ing the hat to a lady, and a cultured person will no more hog the road than he would spear all the lamb-chops on the family dinner platter.

Mrs. Post also has a helpful word for those who enjoy radios. It is rude to break in on the favorite program of a friend, in that friend's house. Thousands of radio listeners, she points out, look forward eagerly to certain scheduled periods of entertainment. So often, such a “fan” may be interrupted in the enjoyment of her favorite program by the arrival of a friend.

Such friends are often very inconsiderate. They think nothing of chattering — or shouting — above the sounds of a symphony. Yet these people would never dream of showing the same rudeness in a theatre, or at a concert.

Do you write many letters? For years it has been considered the height of rudeness to send typewritten letters to your friends. But nowadays, Mrs. Post holds, it is entirely correct to type personal letters, on all except formal occasions. The great convenience of the typewriter, plus the legibility of its product as compared to the deplorable handwriting of so many people have helped bring this about.

AS a hostess, would you poison your guests? If not, she claims that there is no justification for the almost universally- accepted practice of a hostess serving herself first at table. This, Mrs. Post terms "The Great American Rudeness."

She explains that it is a survival from the days of the Borgias, when scheming aristocrats often invited people to din- ner for the highly inhospitable purpose of poisoning them. Consequently, it was the very acme of good form in those days to sample every dish yourself before serv- ving others the theory being that if you'd eat it yourself, it must be safel And as a guest-don't be late for din- ner. That's old fashioned, and today hostesses are becoming intolerant even of the old custom of allowing guests a 15- minute period of grace. The author tells the story of one stern host who takes his guests in to dinner at the appointed time, and feeds the late-comers only those courses which remain to be served.

Once, a socially-prominent girl came very late, and the ensuing conversation went something like this: "Oh, dear Mr. Gilding, am I late?" "You are," are," said he, "very." "And I am so hungry!" "Oh, you are?" said the host. "well, coffee will be served immediately." The subject of lateness introduces an- other warning to girls. Don't keep him waiting! In other, more leisurely years, says Mrs. Post, a young man didn't mind standing around while his girl friend took her time. It was all very proper.

Today it isn't. The man should still appear first at a place of meeting, but, ideally, the woman woman should arrive exactly on the dot and there find that he has been waiting for her for about one or two minutes,

T ABLE manners, of course, are discussed by Mrs. Mrs. Post at great length. Here, too, there have been changes. At one time this arbiter of good form would not eat corn on the cob, a feat which not many diners manage to perform gracefully. Now, however, it is perfectly all right to pick up an entire ear in both hands and munch to your heart's content, even at a formal dinner. But try to do it neatly.

“Rules of etiquette are nothing more than signposts by which we are guided to the goal of good taste,” and she holds that “Americans as a people have all youth's glorious beauty and strength and vitality and courage. If we can keep these attributes and add finish and understanding and perfect taste in living we need not dwell on the Golden Age that is past, but believe in the Golden Age that is sure to be.” — Oakland Tribune, 1937

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

1937’s “Post OK’d” Modern Manners, Part 1

              

“… boys keep your seats in street cars! If the lady who comes and stands in front of you is young and healthy, you can just let her stand and like it, this eminent salon of the salons decides. But if there is one vacant seat in the car, and you get on at the same stop as a young lady does, don't trip over her feet trying to beat her to it.” — Public domain image of Emily Post

Are Your Manners Streamlined to Modern Tempo?

Radical Changes in Social Customs Approved by Emily Post, America's Arbiter of Deportment, Who Gives Her “All Rights” and “Don'ts” in the World of Etiquette

IN THE days of William Shakespeare, when good Queen Bess ruled England, the first rule of court behavior read: "It is forbidden to strike the Queen in the face or forcibly to take food from her."

Nowadays no one would think of giving such obvious instruction, either in a short circular or any other compendium of etiquette, For manners change as surely - though more slowly-than fashions in clothing, as is revealed in the newest edition of "Etiquette," the standard volume published by Funk & Wagnalls and written by Emily Post, America's dictator of social deportment, Purely arbitrary and unnecessary rules tend, she shows, to be forgotten. And the basic purpose underlying the dictates of etiquette more and more comes to be the carrying on of social contacts in a smooth and pleasant manner.

As a result, pretentious flourishes in speech and manner are out! Today's manners are streamlined, A girl of today might seem as out of place in affecting certain of her grandmother's manners as she would he in wearing her grandmother's hoopskirts. Nowhere is this so clearly seen as in the changing social relations between the sexes and woman's invasion of the realm of business has, Mrs. Post shows, done most of all to break down old social taboos, and make it possible for a girl to do things nowadays, with perfect propriety. which would have caused her grandmother to be shunned by good society and deemed "no lady."

FOR example, did you know that today a situation exists under which a young, unmarried girl can quite properly travel around the country, all alone, with a man not related to her? Not only that, but she can occupy a berth in the same Pullman car, and even put up at the same hotels as he does.

This revolution in social taste has been brought about by the needs of the business world. Mrs. Post holds that a girl or woman who is the confidential secretary of a busy man may travel with him on a business trip providing the girl maintains an attitude of strict impersonality. And tactfully - she should avoid occupying a hotel room which connects with his.

Men get many “breaks” from the new etiquette. The old idea that a man pays and pays for everything a woman companion eats or drinks now has exceptions, especially when they have met by chance rather than by his invitation.

And a woman, today, may invite a gentleman to visit her, even though their acquaintance is not a long one. She may, if over 18, go to dinner in her apartment, providing their circle is one in which this would not excite comment,

No longer is it necessary for a man to walk on the outside of the sidewalk, laboriously changing from one side of his lady to the other whenever they cross the street. Mrs. Post tells that this custom, still followed by the overwhelming majority of American males, is a survival from the days when danger lurked in the road and the man naturally strove to shield his female companions from it.

Nowadays, however, when so few horses remain at the curb to take a playful nibble at a passing woman, or to run berserk and knock her down, there is no need for this pedestrian gallantry, and a walking couple can cross and re-cross the road without seeming to dance.

BUT no lady, the author decides, smokes on the street, and she still condemns the mirror-squinting habit of painting or powdering in public. And of course, kissing in public is out! A husband and wife, meeting at a railway station after a considerable separation will kiss of course (after the husband has raised his hat) but if wifie meets Mr. Commuter every night when the 5:15 gets to the Suburbia depot, she doesn't give him a nightly kiss of greeting in front of an interested public.

And, oh yes, boys keep your seats in street cars! If the lady who comes and stands in front of you is young and healthy, you can just let her stand and like it, this eminent salon of the salons decides. But if there is one vacant seat in the car, and you get on at the same stop as a young lady does, don't trip over her feet trying to beat her to it. Give the little girl a break and the seat.

Girls, do you want to catch a man? It isn't ladylike to run after him, but nowadays it's quite all right to "stalk" him a bit! You can invite him to a party. You can even buy theater tickets and invite him out occasionally. Sort of put it casually, like: "I have two tickets for the show, (or the game). Would you like to go with me?"

If you're sufficiently "cat-like" (the words are Mrs. Post's) you can really do quite a bit of shrewd pursuing without losing face,

And if you want to be Miss Popularity, you can no longer depend on a pretty face alone, she warns. Don't try to be like the beauties of yesteryear, for being ornamental won't attract the boys much if you're also useless. No, girls in this modern world, Mrs. Post finds it not only good manners for a woman to be capable, and interested in almost everything but darned good sense as well!

If you dance — and she considers this very important - be sure you do it well. If you can't dance, and wisely avoid trying to learn at the expense of partners' feet-you can smooth your social path by being a good bridge player.

The growing interest in cards has brought forth some sound advice from this autoerat of manners. If you are only a "veneered gentleman, the stresses and excitement of a card game are very likely to melt your veneer, she warns, And politer friends will see through you if you let a greedy glitter shine from your eyes when you win, or an envious sneer curl your lip when you lose. And - never throw down your bridge hand and say: "The rest are mine"! — Oakland Tribune,  1937

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Early Black-American Etiquette

“George wonders who Harry’s charming companion may be. Illustrating correct manners of saluting on the street.” - From “The National Capital Code of Etiquette,” 1920

Before Emily Post

Many etiquette books were written over the centuries, but everyone references Emily Post’s wildly successful early 20th century book, “Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics, and at Home.” It was so successful, it became one of the most recognized etiquette books in America. But what fascinated me was discovering the African-American communities were already producing etiquette manuals before Emily Post became nationally known.

Growing up I had never heard about books such as, “The Colored Girl Beautiful” from 1916 and “The National Capital Code of Etiquette” from 1920. They focused on presentation, conduct, dress, conversation, and social mobility within Black society.

 While mainstream etiquette books of the Gilded Age and post-Gilded Age often centered wealthy white society—the Astors, Vanderbilts, debutante culture, and formal entertaining—Black Americans were simultaneously cultivating their own systems of refinement, often under entirely different social conditions.

The difference was not refinement itself, but access and visibility. For white upper-class society, etiquette was often associated with status, leisure, and social ranking. For many African-Americans in the late 19th and early 20th centuries, etiquette and presentation could also function as dignity, protection, education, and advancement in a society still shaped by segregation and exclusion.

By 1900, Black literacy had risen to over 50%, helping fuel the growth of social organizations, etiquette education, churches, debutante traditions, and formal community gatherings (U.S. Census Bureau, 1900).Refinement was not absent from Black communities—it was simply less documented and less centered in mainstream historical narratives.

And honestly? That changes the conversation.

Refinement was never exclusive. It was always there.

📖 Who Said It First?

Before Emily Post’s famous etiquette book was published and she became a household name, African-American communities already had their own etiquette and refinement guides in circulation.

Hackley’s 1916 book and Green’s 1920 etiquette code both predate Emily Post’s first edition, which was first published in July 1922.

African-American Etiquette Texts

“The Colored Girl Beautiful,” from 1916, and “Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics” from 1020, focused on presentation, conduct, grooming, and dignity within Black society. The National Capital Code of Etiquette (1920) emphasized manners, Conversation, and the Home. It was in 1922 that Emily Post standardized many of these social expectations, introductions, and social presentation by way of another American book on social etiquette for mainstream society. 

Research and historical references sourced from:

• The National Capital Code of Etiquette (1920) by

Edward S. Green

• The Colored Girl Beautiful (1916) by E. Azalia Hackley

• Emily Post, Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics,

and at Home (1922)

• Internet Archive

• Project Gutenberg

• Schomburg Center for Research in Black Culture

                                                      

Meet our newest contributor, Eileen Copeland. Eileen is the founder of Southern California Etiquette™, a modern etiquette and social refinement platform which explores dining culture, hosting, presentation, and contemporary social behavior. A native Southern Californian, Eileen’s background includes executive and personal 

assisting, real estate, wellness, modeling, beauty, and luxury client services. Married for over 15 years, Eileen is a mother of two and grandmother of two, whose broad experiences, including living internationally for nearly a decade, helped shape her appreciation for culture, hospitality, and refined living. She shares life with her husband, her mini Goldendoodle, Teddy, and Luna, her sphynx cat, while continuing her etiquette studies under mentor Maura Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette. You can reach her at Southern California Etiquette.

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Typed Personal Letters

 Even Emily Post was known to type personal correspondence in the 1930’s and 1940’s. It stands to reason that her etiquette books were sanctioning it, as well, at that time. As someone with arthritis, Etiquipedia has, at times, handwriting which is illegible and approves of typing one’s personal correspondence if one feels a letter will be too poorly written to read. — Above, a letter from Emily Post to a friend in 1940, from the Etiquipedia private library and future Etiquette Museum

 .

DEAR ANN: My handwriting is the worst I've ever seen. It is illegible and looks like the scribbling of a child. Because of this, I type all letters, invitations, thank you notes, and condolence messages. Last week a friend criticized me because I had typed a letter to a mutual friend whose husband passed away. She said it is better not to send any message than a typed one. Will you express your views on this subject? — Rozelle

Dear Roz: The old hide-bound rules of etiquette are fast bowing to common sense. And I say it's about time. It is better to send a typed note that can be read than a hand-written one which is illegible. — Ann Landers, 1969

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Broken Engagement Gift Etiquette

A “hope chest” is also known as a “glory box” or “cedar chest.” It is a very traditional piece of furniture, which was historically used by young, unmarried women to collect household goods, linens, and more, all in anticipation of marriage. Handcrafted versions are still produced today and are often made from solid wood like cedar or cherry.

When You Don’t Walk Up the Aisle…

Dear Mrs. Post: When an engagement ends before the march to the altar, what happens about the hope chest? That is, my fiancé or, I should say, my ex-fiancé, gave it to me last Christmas, and I have been storing my linens in it. Am I supposed to make some attempt to send it back to him?

Answer: I think that this is one thing that you might be expected to keep. He can hardly give a left-over hope chest to another girl, and it has really become more personal to you, than to him, since you have been filling it with things made and collected by you. However, ask him whether he would like it. If he wants it, then send it back to him. — Emily Post, 1941

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of  The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Service Plate Etiquette

Image from the book, “Reaching for the Right Fork”

Removing Service Plate is Simpler and Quicker

 

ACCORDING to correct (formal) service, the service plate is removed with either fruit-cocktail glass, or soup plate, and exchanged for a clean plate known as an “exchange plate,” because this in turn should be exchanged for any plate with food on it. But since a kitchen-served meat and vegetables is not admitted at a formally-served dinner, an exchange plate would seem strangely out of place. Therefore, the answer is to do what is most expedient. This probably would be to remove service plates and whatever may be on them, (one double stack in each hand), and bring in the filled ones (one in each hand). 

Above, another look at silver service plates. — Photo of page from an early 1900 book on proper place settings, by Wallace Silvermiths.

This answer is to the question: “When the main course of a meal is served on plates in the kitchen and brought in by the maid (which is often done these days in this part of the country) should the service plate be removed at the time that the fruit cocktail or soup is removed, or should the place plates be left standing and only the first course removed, and the place plates be lifted as each hot plate with the main course is put down?”

As I already have said, it would seem simpler as well as quicker to remove service plate and whatever is on it and leave the place bare until the already filled, hot plates are put down. This is a “practical” service suggestion, in contrast to that which is “formally” correct." — Emily Post, 1941

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Lipstick Etiquette and Marketing

After the death of EmilyPost in 1960, her granddaughter in-law Elizabeth Post took over writing her books and her syndicated columns. They were nearly all, however, under the banner of “Emily Post Etiquette.” The Elizabeth Post cosmetic and beauty line was available however, as early as the 1930s to the 1950’s,  if not even later at that. Brava to Elizabeth for carving out her own business niche, especially in the long shadow of her husband’s grandmother!

💋 TRUTH ABOUT KISSING! 💋

Almost since man first beheld woman and found her desirable, the kiss has been immortalized in poetry, sculpture and painting. What a shame that today something has been added to kissing that is so disturbing to so many men.

MEN, bless them, too often feel it's ungentlemanly to talk about lipstick smears. But think about it, they do! And they just don't want any part of it.

Perhaps, you, as a busy woman, haven't realized the full consequences of lipstick smears. And if you did, most likely you didn't know what to do about it. For until recently there was nothing you could do except not wear lipstick, which of course is unthinkable.

A woman a housewife, probably very much like yourself has now done something about lipstick smearing — not only when kissing, but when eating, drinking and smoking as well,

She has invented a clear liquid that is brushed lightly over lipstick and is guaranteed to prevent lipstick smearing. It is not a lac- quer. It is not a basecoat. And it. does not change the color of your lipstick. It's an amazing new product called LIP-STAE- and it's wonderful. 

What Lip-Stae Will Do For You

1. It will keep lipstick on you; of him, cigarettes, glasses, linens.
2. It leaves no odor on the lips; makes them softer, more lovely than lipstick alone.
3. It doesn't crust or cake; Lip- Stae actually becomes part of the lipstick itself.
4. It is completely safe; approved by Good Housekeeping.

Look what Emily Post says about Lip-Stae:

Mrs. Post, the indisputable authority on all matters of etiquette, minces no words. She says emphatically, “It’s bad manners to smear your hostess’ linen and glassware, and it is inexcusable when there is Lip-Stae.”

Kiss! Smoke! Eat! Drink! Lip- Stae is guaranteed to keep your lipstick on you all day, OFF everything else.

Only 60 and $1 (plus tax) — Newspaper Advertisement, 1949

 

One can only imagine what chemicals may have been in this product. I’m not sure there was much oversight when it came to women’s beauty products at the time. Then again, in the US and in Great Britain, lipstick was considered so important to women during World War II, the United States government kept a large stock of red lipstick in the munitions factories and other places where women were employed in the war effort. Winston Churchill deemed we that British women needed their lipstick to feel more feminine, so it was not rationed during the war, nor afterward.

💄Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

For the Socially Scared Stiff

Helpful etiquette book suggestions for California college co-eds of 1936 -
Barker, Mary P.: “The Technique of Good Manners.” A guide to the “how and when” of efficient living. Gives common failings and suggestions for self improvement. Written especially for men. Barker, Mary P.: “Good Manners for Young Women.”  A similar guide for women, Post, Emily: “Etiquette.” The blue book of social usage.

For Scared Stiff Aggies… Etiquette Books Reviewed & Recommended in 1936

One goes to school not only to learn the three R's, but to prepare for contacts with one's fellowmen. In order that one may be an efficient social unit it is necessary to know the rules of etiquette, or good manners. Are you ever in doubt how to answer that certain invitation; how to sign your name to a letter? Are you one of those shy, self-conscious persons who are “scared stiff” every time you are introduced? Social life is a game with definite rules. Why not start now to learn the “do's”and the “don'ts”? 

The following books will help you:

Pierce, Beatrice: “It's More Fun When You Know the Rules.” Etiquette problems for girls. Very cleverly written. Simple explanations of correct etiquette for ordinary occasions of a girl's life. Partial contents: People judge you by your table manners; entertaining with the all-important problem of refreshments; looking your best; how well do you talk? when you go traveling; here comes the bridesmaid.

Eldridge, Elizabeth: “Co-ediquette.” Poise and popularity for every girl. Advice on clothes, rushing, dates, dances, football games, campus politics, conduct in dormitories, and many other phases of college life. Written in a lively, informal style. 

Hadida, Sophie C.: “Manners for Millions.” Correct code of pleasing habits for everyday men and women. See yourself in caricature.

Stevens, Wm. Oliver: “The Correct Thing.” A guidebook of etiquette for young men. Much good advice packed into a little book of 150 pages. Contains chapters on sports, making speeches, college fraternities and applying for work, in addition to the usual ones on table manners, letter writing, etc. 

Barker, Mary P.: “The Technique of Good Manners.” A guide to the “how and when” of efficient living. Gives common failings and suggestions for self improvement. Written especially for men. Barker, Mary P.: “Good Manners for Young Women.” 

A similar guide for women, Post, Emily: “Etiquette.” The blue book of social usage. -California Aggie, 1936 

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Profiles in Etiquette— Emily Post

 In the 1945 edition of Emily Post's book “Etiquette,” Post quoted a disgruntled reader of her work, bridling at the prospect of imitating New York's “Cafe Society,” a group known to be less mannerly than “pretentious and vulgar.” Just who, the reader demanded to know, are these Best People, whose example Post commends throughout her book? Her answer follows: 

“There is nowhere to go to see Best Society on parade, because parading is one thing the Best Society does not intentionally do. And yet it is true (and this is one of the things harder to make clear) that in the forefront of the public parade are to be found a certain few who are really best. But they are best in spite of, and not because of, the publicity they attract. When I say that ‘people of taste do this or think that,’ I naturally have in mind definite people whose taste is the most nearly perfect among all those whom I know. Or on occasion, perhaps, I go back in memory to the precepts of those whose excellence has remained an ideal. In other words when I write of people of quality or fashion or taste, I always select the individual people who ideally serve as models... In other words... Best Society, Best People, or People of Quality can all be defined as people of cultivation, courtesy, taste, and kindness – people, moreover, who are very rarely disassociated from their backgrounds.” – Emily Post
From “A Short History of Rudeness” by Mark Caldwell

To the Manner Born: The Real Story of Emily Post

In the 1922 original edition of “Etiquette,” Emily Post's guide to the practices and manners of "Best Society," 81 pages are devoted to all matters nuptial. There's a sad irony, then, to the fact that Emily Post became the foremost authority on etiquette as the result of an unhappy marriage. In 1905, as biographer Laura Claridge recounts in “Emily Post: Daughter of the Gilded Age, Mistress of American Manners,” Post's husband, Edwin, was the victim of a blackmail ploy by a newspaper publisher who threatened to reveal Edwin's affair with a starlet. Edwin, who had lost much of his wife's inheritance playing the stock market, set up a sting to expose the publisher's scheme, then confessed to his wife, who had no choice but to support his decision. The successful sting, along with Edwin's infidelities, was widely reported. The publicity caused Emily much humiliation, and the couple divorced the following year.

Love, sex, money and public shame: 48 years after Post's death, we're still often flabbergasted about the right way to conduct our affairs regarding the first three, and desperate to avoid the last. Even as we celebrate a loosening of social strictures—and equate casualness with self expression—with freedom comes anxiety. (Witness the proliferation of advice books dealing with the etiquette of casual Fridays, e-mail and text messages, and even one-night stands.) With the current financial crisis and political uncertainty, how to address an invitation to an afternoon tea may seem trivial, but, says Peggy Post, Emily's great-granddaughter-in-law and a director of the Emily Post Institute, we long for the structure of established rules more than ever in times of social and economic uncertainty. “Etiquette gives people the blueprints to deal with times of stress,” she says. Perhaps this is why Post was so uniquely qualified to write that blueprint: her life was shaped by stress, both personal and societal.

Post was born within months of the depression of 1873, and grew up in a world where the divide between rich and poor was rapidly expanding. As the daughter of Bruce Price, the architect who designed New York's Tuxedo Park, she enjoyed the diversions of the Gilded Age, consorting with the Astors, Morgans and Vanderbilts. But after her divorce from Edwin she set about reinventing herself as a career woman, gradually shedding the persona of a high-society divorcée for that of a serious professional writer. “I suspect it was good for her to fail in her marriage,” says Claridge. “It helped her come into her own. If she hadn't been so brutally divorced, Emily Post wouldn't have come to be.”

She didn't dispense with society altogether, though; instead, she capitalized on her familiarity with the upper classes by writing novels about romances between American blue bloods and European royalty. By 1920, she was such an authority on the mores of the American aristocracy that her friend the Vanity Fair editor Frank Crowninshield inveigled her to write “a book about how to behave,” as she liked to tell it. (In truth, Claridge writes, Post had been angling for the task for some time.) He believed the country was sorely in need of guidance: “All those new war wives desperate to know how to write a thank-you note, all those immigrants who had made it to our country before the rules tightened, all those new money people, ashamed to admit they had no idea how to behave in society.”

Two years later “Etiquette” came out, the result of Post’s queries to her friends and her friends' children, and liberal plagiarizing of similar guides to correct behavior at home and in the world. The book, now in its 17th edition, has been updated over the years by Post’s grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Written as a fast-paced social drama (Post imagines a dinner party gone awry thus: “You have collected the smartest and the most critical people around your table to put them to torture such as they will never forget. Never! You have to bite your lips to keep from crying”), the book today is as delicious, and as dated, as an Edith Wharton novel. But those who think Post was overly concerned with raised pinkies and serving spoons underestimate her, says Claridge.

“People want to laugh at her, to devalue her,” she says. “We don't like to be told how to act, especially about matters that seem fairly trivial. You feel put down when other people know these apparent rules. Emily Post believed in having rules, but thought that everyone should have equal access to them. Your only obligation is to make the other person feel OK.”

Claridge developed a passion for her subject only after she was well immersed in the project. Three years after she started the book, she was diagnosed with a rare form of brain cancer. For a while she lost her memory, including her awareness of who Emily Post was and why she had been writing about her. After six months of chemotherapy to remove the cancer, she regained her memory, and came to see Post as an inspiration. “Even in the hospital, my behavior toward the nurses, toward my roommate, was influenced by her. I realized that life is short, and you want to do the best you can while you’re here. It's the golden rule, and she kind of encouraged that.”

If Post remains linked with superciliousness in the public imagination, it's because of our appetite for instruction, not her insistence on protocol. During the Great Depression, she gave radio broadcasts advocating hospitality, quoting from “Etiquette” and its revisions. As Claridge writes, “Letters flooded the radio office, sometimes begging for help: ‘How many inches should I sit from the edge of the table?’ and ‘When taking my place at table, should I approach my chair from the right or the left side?’” An anxious nation wanted reassurance about how to sit at the table, even if it had no guarantee of where the food on it would come from.

Today we might scoff at the very phrase “Best Society,” and be more likely to eat our meals standing over the sink than at any table. “But we're still obsessed with etiquette,” says Peggy Post. Great-grandson Peter Post's “Essential Manners for Men,” one of the many manners guides put out by the Post Institute, made the New York Times bestseller list in 2003. Of the hundreds of e-mail queries the institute receives each month, around half are about weddings (the first time many people think about etiquette, Peggy Post says), but topics include gym protocol, tipping and the eternal conundrum “How do I eat a [fill in the blank]?” “People are so afraid of committing a faux pas,” she says. “They don't want to embarrass themselves and don't want to be mean to other people. Most of these are common respect issues.”

At the height of her fame, Post had a radio show and syndicated newspaper column, and advised the White House on protocol. But the image of her as an unbending automaton was fixed. When she attended a dinner at the Gourmet Society, papers made news of the fact that Post had spilled lingonberries on the tablecloth. In fact, her eyesight had been impaired by a recent operation. As Claridge writes, “Forcing Emily Post to stand in for the one thing she had always emphasized should be forgotten and forgiven—an innocent mistake—journalists were gleefully casting the doyenne of etiquette as part of a system they feared, not one that she endorsed.”

It wasn't until after her death that some were able to appreciate the broader implications of Post’s life work. When, two weeks after her death in 1960, Nikita Krushchev staged his shoe-banging tantrum at the U.N., Life magazine suggested the Soviet leader had displayed poor etiquette. In an article titled “What Would Emily Post Have Said?” the magazine argued that there is “a connection worth tracing between manners and politics.” Today, when political candidates make a show of practicing good manners (“Can I call you Joe?”), then fail to treat each other with honesty or respect, they commit the worst sort of faux pas. “She used to say manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others,” says Peggy Post. “It doesn't matter what fork you use. It is a matter of substance over style.”— By Jennie Yabroff Newsweek, 2008

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia