Etiquette for Worship in Church

“If refined social manners are essential in the home, they are equally important in the house of God. So essential are they to a consecrated Christian life that Paul wrote a long epistle to his young lieutenant, Timothy, concerning them. In this letter, wherein are found the words of the text, the great apostle tells how bishops and their wives should act, and also how deacons and deacons’ wives.” – Photo source, Pinterest

BEHAVIOR DURING WORSHIP

Rev. Frank DeWitt Talmage Discourses Upon Manners

Rev. Frank DeWitt Talmage delivered a sermon yesterday upon “Church Manners,” taking his text from Timothy 3:15, “That thou mayest know how thou oughtest to behave thyself in the house of God.” His discourse was a good-natured rebuke to the lack of decorum among worshipers and a plea for certain reasonable etiquette in the church. 

He said in part: “Are you a parent? Have you ever dressed up your little children and sent them forth alone to visit, when they were about ten or twelve years of age? Then you have known the anxieties of a mother or father as to their social behavior.

“Before they go, you say: ‘Now, son, be careful about your manners. When you enter Mrs. So and So’s home take off your hat and place it upon the hall rack. Be careful and don’t handle the vases in the parlor, and don't squirm on your chair. When you are at dinner, be sure and keep your hands off the table, and don't spill the food upon the table cloth, and don't ask for a second helping of anything, or talk with your mouth full. When Mrs. So and So passes you a plate. say “Thank you.” Remember, my boy, that your mother's home is to be judged by your table manners. 

“When that child leaves the house, your mind follows him and stays with him all day long. And oh, the pride that sweeps into the parental heart when, next day, you meet your friend, at whose home your little children dined, and she congratulates you in these words: ‘We had such a lovely children's party yesterday. And Mrs. So and So, I want to tell you how well your children behaved. Your boy was a perfect little gentleman, and your daughter a little lady.’ Ah, such congratulation as that is as a sweet savor to the maternal heart.

“If refined social manners are essential in the home, they are equally important in the house of God. So essential are they to a consecrated Christian life that Paul wrote a long epistle to his young lieutenant, Timothy, concerning them. In this letter, wherein are found the words of the text, the great apostle tells how bishops and their wives should act, and also how deacons and deacons’ wives.

“But today, instead of my showing how our ministers and church officers should behave in the house of God, I would preach a sermon on church manners directly to the pew. I would try to inculcate the reverential spirit with which our congregations should assemble for worship.

“I would try to teach this reverence, because more and more in this irreverent age there is a tendency to look upon church buildings as places fitted for secular enjoyments rather than as sanctuaries consecrated to the presence of Jesus Christ.

“The Lord loveth the gates of Zion more than all the dwellings of Jacob. No man ought to place foot in God’s sanctuary unless he can do it with the solemn feeling of Habakkuk, who declared: ‘The Lord is in his holy temple. let all the earth keep silence before him.’” – Los Angeles Herald, 1905

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Teach Table Manners Early

All the little details of good breeding are then as familiar as the alphabet to one who has been taught that attention to small things is always the effort of intelligent minds toward success. This applies to culture as much as to work, or the study and practice of any accomplishment. –Photo source, Etiquipedia private library

THE CHARM OF GOOD TABLE MANNERS

Simple Courtesies of Living Makes Existence a Pleasure

BEHAVIOR at the table is a trustworthy test in early home training or the neglect of it. If one has been brought up to have careful manners at home, one has them unconsciously elsewhere. All the little details of good breeding are then as familiar as the alphabet to one who has been taught that attention to small things is always the effort of intelligent minds toward success. This applies to culture as much as to work, or the study and practice of any accomplishment.

Parents cannot be too careful in teaching their children all the small details which help to form refinement. Our children who are left much to others, are sure to acquire bad habits, for children are very quick to observe and imitate those with whom they associate.

Early Training Necessary

Mothers who are really interested in the welfare of their children are very watchful over them, correcting their faults gently but firmly, and not excusing bad manners on the plea of childish ignorance, or that these faults may be overlooked now, as children will outgrow them in time. Careless faults soon become fixed habits which are difficult to eradicate, because they are followed almost mechanically, and in later times these habits may stamp the possessor as unrefined and may prove a very serious bar to social success.

 

Meal-time Conversation

A serious fault is to reserve mealtime for the discussion of disagreeable family or business matters which may require settlement, but should discussed elsewhere, otherwise the peace and contentment of the meal is destroyed, for good digestion waits truly on peace and cheerful talk as well as on appetite, and health depends on both.

Using the Napkin

And now to turn to practical suggestions. The correct use of the napkin is to unfold it partly and lay it across the knees, to leave it unfolded on rising from the table, at any formal meal. At home one may fold one’s napkin, but the use of a napkin ring is not now general. When visiting one may fold the napkin, if the hostess does so.

One speaks of “eating” soup, not drinking it. Soup is taken from the side of the spoon, and sticklers on etiquette claim that when taking up the soup im the spoon, the spoon should have movement away from one, not toward one. It is bad form to try to take up the last drop of soup in the soup plate or to tilt the plate.

Disposing of the Fork and Knife

When one has finished, the fork and knife are placed close together in the middle of the plate. Never must a fork or knife rest on the side of the plate or with the handle on the table or tossed together in a slovenly fashion on the plate at the conclusion of a meal. When a plate is passed for a second serving, the rule is to leave the knife and fork on it close together.– San Jose Mercury News, 1909

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Good Manners Found in Happy Homes

“It is the greatest help to a girl when she goes out in the world to be able to feel at ease in society, to enter and leave a room gracefully and to find the right thing to say when her mother's friends speak to her.”

 

Happy Homes and Good Manners

 

It is the greatest mistake to think that manners are only for society and are to be set aside with our outdoor garments when we come home. If manners are meant to bide the unsightly side of human nature, to clothe the nakedness which shocks our highly cultivated sense of what is fitting, it is surely at home that this primitive aspect is most likely to obtrude, and it is just as shocking when displayed at our own fireside as to the world at large. 

If parents taught the sons of the house to be polite to their sisters and if they themselves were polite to each other, there would be fewer unhappy homes. Boys often think that manners are only meant for girls. but, they would be none the worse or less manly for knowing how to behave. While it is the greatest help to a girl when she goes out in the world to be able to feel at ease in society, to enter and leave a room gracefully and to find the right thing to say when her mother's friends speak to her. – From “Good Form,” 1911

 

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Ill-Bred American Children of 1914

Ella Wheeler Wilcox was an American poet and journalist. Several of her articles on parenting and home life are featured on the Etiquipedia Etiquette Encyclopedia

Children's Behavior

There Is a Vast Difference Between Liberty and License

American Youth Are Most Lawless and Ill-bred of Any on Earth, a Fact for Which Parents, Mothers Especially, Are Responsible

AMERICA is old enough now to know that the word liberty does not mean license; that freedom does not mean lawlessness. American mothers have a large duty confronting them; the duty of teaching their children the fine distinctions which lie between these words.

Ask any man or woman who has seen many lands and many people, and you will be told that American children are the most lawless and ill-bred of all the children on earth. On any ship or in any hotel the children who make themselves obnoxious by their loud voices, their impertinent manners and their failure to show courtesy to their elders are invariably American children.

It is not an unusual sight to see American children walk or stand before strangers, staring at them rudely and whispering or tittering as they move away. Two young girls made themselves so obnoxious on one of the large ocean liners by their impertinent manners to passengers in the dining saloon that it became necessary to ask the chief steward to reprove them.

These children were daughters of a New York banker. Their mother was on board with a retinue of attendants, but she had never taken time to teach her children refinement or even common decency of deportment.

When Rich Are Ill-Bred No Wonder the Poor Are

When such examples of ill- breeding can be found among the rich, one cannot wonder that the poorer classes have not reached a standard where they understand the importance of including good. manners in the curriculum, of education.

A lady who employs boys of all work at her country home was surprised to discover that children of Americans who came to her for work were nearly always lacking in the little polite habits which it would seem every mother would teach her boys and girls as soon as they were able to talk.

For instance, boys of sixteen came into her presence without removing their caps, and often when reporting to her for directions they bolted into her private apartments without knocking or in any way making their presence known. It became necessary for her to teach her employees good manners before she taught them their other duties.

Every mother should train her children to show good taste and delicacy in their treatment of herself. Then it would follow, as a matter of course, that they would treat others with courtesy. From the time a boy is able to walk he should be taught to rap before entering a room and girls should be taught the same act of courtesy.

There is too much freedom in most American homes. It does not indicate affection, or mutual understanding, or good comradeship when people bolt into the presence of another member of the family with no word or sound to prepare the way.

It merely indicates lack of thoughtful consideration. The refinements of life do much to keep the affections alive. A delicate code of manners observed between husband and wife helps to keep them out of the divorce court.

A gentle tap on a door, even if the door is open, and a word indicating who is coming, makes the advent of a loved one no less welcome.

Neglectful Mother Is Serving Ends of Discourtesy 

The mother who does not train her son to show to her the little courtesies like this is sowing seeds of annoyance for others who will be irritated by this lack of thoughtfulness.

No matter what position a man occupies in the world, whether he employs or is employed, whether he is waited upon, or waits upon others, good manners and courtesy and politeness will be of incalculable value to him.

A lady had occasion to call at the office of a prominent lawyer in a city of colleges. The lawyer was absent, but his secretary was present, a well educated young man, of good American family.

The lady who called was one for whom he unquestionably felt respect, yet he permitted her to stand for five minutes in his presence while she told her errand; and he lounged comfortably in his chair, with a cap on his head which he never thought to remove.

He seemed most anxious to be of service and in every way tried to help her; no doubt he would be greatly astonished and deeply pained if he knew she thought him discourteous. Such conduct is not at all uncommon in America;, it is to be met with every day; and it is always the fault of the mother.

Father Not Blameless but Chief Duty Is With Mother

The father, too, comes in for his share of blame; but it is the mother who has the child near her hour in and hour out, during these early years when habits are formed; and it is to the mother a child should look for right training in deportment.

Little girls, as well as boys need careful coaching. They should never be allowed to enter rooms without previous announcement; they should not be permitted to break into conversation without apology; and they should not lounge or sit while their elders stand.

Teach your children these little refinements, good mothers. It is better than leaving them a legacy of hard-earned money. – By Ella Wheeler Wilcox, July 1914

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Edwardian Women's Etiquette

Tsk, tsk! Sprawling over the dinner table is neither graceful nor refined behavior for a young woman! She must be located in steerage. She certainly won't be found here in 1st Class.

The table manners of the twentieth century woman are being widely criticised and the worst thing said of them is this—they are not up to the standard of dress and cleverness exhibited by up-to-date femininity. It is true that women have made rapid strides in improvement, but there are those will declare that development has been one-sided. 

Women have learned to dress becomingly and take care of their bodies. They go about a good deal, which gives them self-possession, and read to give them a smattering that passes as smartness. But they are backward in real knowledge and lack the rudiments of politeness which every child used to learn. 

I have occasion to eat often in public places and there I meet instances of ill-breeding that are in marked contrast to the personal appearance of those responsible for them. It ought not to be necessary to be informed that is the first rule in eating and that small mouthfuls are better in more ways than that of comfort. 

Modern etiquette allows women to lean upon their elbows whenever they sit, but sprawling over the dinner table is neither graceful nor refined. The other night I saw a well-dressed woman powder her face with the addition of a tiny mirror before she left a public dining table. Another combed her front hair and others did things quite as baffling. 

It was at a fashionable restaurant where the bad manners were exhibited, and the young women were good-looking and well-dressed. Imagine their home life when they can be so careless in public! If mothers are careless—that is the first cause of bad breeding. They are too busy and too worried to consider the little things of life, they say, so girls grow up without any desire to remedy the maternal faults. 

Their only desire is to have pretty clothes. Generally they must earn them—and while as imitative as monkeys in matters pertaining to dress, they never attempt to copy the marks of good breeding which must come under their notice every day. 

It is so easy to teach little ones the simple manners of refined eating, and habits formed in youth remain so persistently with man or woman that it is unfair to deprive them of so valuable an equipment. One can never tell what piece of good fortune the future has in store, and being prepared to receive it saves both time and uneasiness. 

Good society is rather a stickler for forms, but the fine points of etiquette can easily be added to a bedrock of common rules, their manners should be as fine as our clothes, at least. — Betty Bradeen, Sacramento Union, 1911

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Parenting in 1912

Childhood is the most favorable time to develop the little habits we carry through life, and the importance of giving attention to these little habits cannot be too strongly impressed upon the minds of parents of young children.

The Failure of Women To Be the Best Mothers Possible 

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Greatest Work on Earth That a Woman Can Do Is to Guide the Manners and Train the Mind of a Child

If the parents of a rough diamond could only realize the handicap they place in their child by starting him out into the world without polishing him as much as possible, I am sure every parent would do his utmost to add a touch here and a touch there to the personality of his offspring during childhood, for it is during childhood that the little habits are formed, which, taken as a whole, do much to influence his future career and station in life. I refer to habits of tidiness, manners, deportment, carriage, table etiquette, care of the toilet, etc... 

"There comes a time in the life of every child when habits of this class have to be formed, and there is no reason on earth why they should not he formed in such a way that in later years they will not be a source of embarrassment to him." —Herbert A. Parkyn M.D. 

I wish these words by one of America's most gifted physicians and metaphysicians, could be written in letters of gold and hung where every mother and teacher in the land might read them daily. Women are pushing forward their claims for higher recognition and every day, and woman are succeeding in almost all the arts, professions and trades formerly pursued by men exclusively, yet women are almost universally failing to be the best mothers possible. 

You who read these words may take exception to such a statement. Yet, employ your leisure hours the next week in looking about you critically and dispassionately for a really perfect, or even "near perfect" mother of boys and girls of that embryo age, from eight to fourteen. 

From 8 to 14, Children Show Mothers’ Teaching 

It is during that period children show forth the training and teaching which has come to them from close association with their mothers. To again quote from Dr. Parkyn: "There are great possibilities in a new wooden barrel, provided it is empty. It is easy to fill it with syrup or kerosene, or any other liquid. But if a barrel be filled first with kerosene, it is very difficult, so completely to get rid of its impressions on the barrel, that the barrel can be used afterwards for syrup, the barrel, as it were, having formed an auto suggestion, which is hard to overcome. 

A young child's mind is very much like a barrel, so far as its first impressions are concerned. Its mind is an empty thing, waiting to be filled with any kind of impressions, and the impressions of childhood are by far the most lasting. Childhood is the most favorable time to develop the little habits we carry through life, and the importance of giving attention to these little habits cannot be too strongly impressed upon the minds of parents of young children.

So many parents believe that if they teach their children what is right and wrong, from a moral and ethical point of view, clothe them and send them to school, they have done all that is required of them, and that the children will do the rest themselves and make a success in life.” 

Habits Can Be Developed Best During Childhood

Mothers of culture and education are to be found all about us who have allowed their little sons to pass through the formative period of childhood without one distinguishing trait or habit of refined, considerate manhood, and who consider the brusqueness and boorish deportment of their offspring as natural phases of boyhood, which will be eventually outgrown. 

In America, children are allowed to occupy an unnatural position in the home and are permitted to demand favors of their elders, where foreign children gently request to dispute, and flatly contradict, where others would only question or remain silent, and to sit in the presence of their parents and grand-parents without waiting for permission or observing whether any one is discommoded, by their conduct. 

Mothers permit their little sons to interrupt conversation; to enter a room noisily, without removing their hats; to be first at the table, without showing the courtesy of seating the mother or sister or guest, and to air their ideas and opinions aggressively in the presence of older people. 

The very greatest work a woman can do on earth is to guide and train the mind and manners of a little child into gentleness, kindliness, courtesy, consideration, politeness, respect and reverence for whatever is great and good, and to teach the embryo man or woman those small refinements of deportment which mean so much In life. No matter what other work a mother may be doing in the world, if she is neglecting this work, which is the work God has given her, she is miserably failing as an individual and a citizen, as well as a mother. 

Not One Woman in 100 Is a Scientific Mother 

However bright a boy may be in his lessons, however he may excel in the athletic field, he is not growing into admirable and excellent manhood unless he is receiving the delicate and gracious touches of education which a mother should consider it her great privilege to give. 

But this cannot he given in a day or a year, it must he done day by day, and year by year, unobtrusively and tactfully, until the child has absorbed the wholesome and refining system unconsciously. And we do not find one American mother in one hundred who is unselfish and patient enough to bestow so much time and thought on the, profession of scientific motherhood. — Written for The Evening Herald by Ella Wheeler Wilcox, 1912

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia