Etiquette of Seating and Socializing

The host and hostess are seated at opposite ends of one another at the table. (The example shows a rectangular table, however, this formula will work at a round table also.) If the Guest of Honor is a woman, she is seated at the host's right and her husband at the hostess' right. The second most important woman is seated across from the Guest of Honor, to the host's left and her spouse on the hostess' left. The remaining male and female guests are seated in between, with the remaining female guest seated at the left of the second most important woman and the remaining male guest seated to the right of the female Guest of Honor. To be fair, the word “important” can be relative to any given situation. If there is no “Guest of Honor” and the formal dinner is simply a get-together of friends, this seating arrangement works with a little creative thinking.

The Art of Socializing Graciously

A 2nd Debut Article from 2022!

From the most simple of societies to the most complex, the act of socializing with dining partners is the primary method of getting to know other humans and keeping relationships with them. It is so ingrained in our lives that the origin of the English word “companion” is the old Latin and French words that translated into English mean, “One who eats bread with another.”

We now live in a highly competitive society, and in a country that is increasingly becoming even more of a melting pot of nationalities, ethnicities and cultures than when the United States of America forged its beginnings. Foreign investments are reaching areas of our lifestyles that we had never envisioned they would. In our own country, we are competing with, attempting to do business with, and socializing with, cultures we have had little or no training at all in understanding.

An awareness of customs and the desire to familiarize oneself with the accepted ways of doing things in other countries and cultures can only enhance one's life personally and professionally. And again, the primary way of accomplishing this task easily is to break bread. In other words, “learn to dine comfortably with others by becoming aware of universally accepted social behavior at the table.”

Without studying or reading about other cultures or ethnic backgrounds of someone you are going to be dining with, one must use common sense to guide him/herself through the awkward first phases of meeting and dining together. When teaching my younger students how to develop good social skills I tell them to “put your best foot forward.” What I am really saying is, “put the other person first.” Making someone feel special is the fastest way to making them feel comfortable with you.

The following are simple guidelines for doing just that when entertaining, hosting, attending a dinner party, a cocktail reception, or any other type of function where one is meeting new people or entertaining a special guest or guests…

Receiving Lines

Not just for wedding receptions, but any time someone of importance is being honored or when hosting a large affair where introductions need to be made or even when having a small affair at which there will be several guests, protocol dictates that a receiving line is in order. The host and/or hostess, as well as the guest/s of honor should be stationed as close to the door as possible so these necessary introductions can be made and put everyone at ease right from the start. 

If the host and hostess are also needed to tend bar or pass hors d'oeuvres, one can remain at the door to greet while the other handles the food and beverages. If there is just one host or hostess for the party, a guest can be asked ahead of time to help out with these duties, to leave the host/hostess free to make introductions and direct the guests as to where to put coats, find beverages, and such.

Formal introductions leave some people stumped in this day and age of equality of the sexes and the tremendous number of women holding impressive titles and ranks in companies that were uncommon occurrences just thirty years ago. Just as holding doors open for women remains the socially proper thing to do, formal introductions put women at the top of the list, right under heads of state and royalty, when it comes to importance. 

Here are the do’s and don’ts of formal introductions:

When making an introduction, present the woman to the man. The man then rises, if he is not already standing, and slightly lifts, or tips, his hat if he is wearing one. (Note: It is a show of good manners for a man to remove his hat while in a restaurant or in a private home while a woman is free to leave her hat on.) Example: “Bob, I would like you to meet my good friend, Laura.” or “Bob Jones, I would like to introduce Laura Smith to you.”

It is always a gesture of respect to present younger people to those older than them, those with higher rank, those with a level of great importance (the mayor, a senator, the guest of honor, the CEO) or someone of religious importance.

It is not necessary for women to rise when being introduced to another woman unless the other woman fits any of the criteria above or the woman is obviously older. A young girl is charming when she rises as she is introduced to someone's grandmother. A “thirty-something” woman is ill-mannered to rise in faux deference to another woman. obviously also “thirty-something” and who carries no higher title, rank, or level of prestige.

It is more than appropriate to introduce yourself to others at social gatherings if the host and hostess are too busy, however, it is still their responsibility to do so.

If someone offers his/her hand to shake when being introduced, it is proper to accept the handshake. Hugs, as well as kisses, do not have to be accepted. An invasion of someone's body space is a social intrusion that do not need to feel uncomfortable acceptance of. If someone you makes a move to hug you, or kiss you, politely move in another direction or distract the person as best you can.

Seating Arrangements

Seating arrangements are not as complex as people suspect. There is a simple formula for seating groups from as little as six to as large as your table will accommodate. For very large parties, with several tables, the head table is seated with those of the greatest level of importance along with the host and hostess. The remaining tables should be seated in the manner that puts people together with others who they will most likely be compatible with or find the most interesting.

The following is the formula for seating at a formal dinner party of four couples:

The host and hostess are seated at opposite ends of one another at the table. (The example shows a rectangular table, however, this formula will work at a round table also.) If the Guest of Honor is a woman, she is seated at the host's right and her husband at the hostess' right. The second most important woman is seated across from the Guest of Honor, to the host's left and her spouse on the hostess' left. The remaining male and female guests are seated in between, with the remaining female guest seated at the left of the second most important woman and the remaining male guest seated to the right of the female Guest of Honor.

To be fair, the word “important” can be relative to any given situation. If there is no “Guest of Honor” and the formal dinner is simply a get-together of friends, this seating arrangement works with a little creative thinking.

Taking the places of honor to the right of the host/hostess can be the newest members of a group, the eldest in a group or even the friends who have traveled the farthest distance to attend the dinner. If the dinner is a formal family dinner, places of honor would be given to those oldest and then descend by age for the rest of the seating.— From The RSVP Institute of Etiquette’s “Social Graces Handbook,” by Maura J. Graber, 1992

Contributor, and Site Editor, Maura J. Graber has been teaching etiquette to children, teens and adults, and training new etiquette instructors, since 1990, as founder and director of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette. A writer, Graber has been featured in countless newspapers, magazines and television shows, and was an on-air contributor and correspondent for PBS in Southern California for 15 years. She is working on her 4th book on etiquette and antiques throughout history and was a historical etiquette consultant for Julian Fellowes’ newest period drama, The Gilded Age. Her popular books on antique flatware and etiquette history are available on Amazon.

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Wedding Receiving Line Etiquette

If you are a friend of the bride and unacquainted with the bridegroom she will introduce him to you after you have shaken hands with her. If you have not had an opportunity of congratulating her on her engagement you might say, "I must wish you both every happiness," but it is an old fashioned custom to offer good wishes to a bride at a reception, and therefore it is seldom done. – Image source, Pinterest

The Wedding Reception

Congratulations are usually offered as soon as an engagement is made known, and therefore there is no need to repeat them at the wedding reception. At the reception it suffices to shake hands with the bride and bridegroom after having shaken hands with the bride's mother. If unacquainted with the bride you should not wait to be introduced to her. She will offer to shake hands with you as a matter of course, you being a friend of the bridegroom and a guest in her mother's house. 

If you are a friend of the bride and unacquainted with the bridegroom she will introduce him to you after you have shaken hands with her. If you have not had an opportunity of congratulating her on her engagement you might say, "I must wish you both every happiness," but it is an old fashioned custom to offer good wishes to a bride at a reception, and therefore it is seldom done. 

Guests pass the bride and bridegroom so quickly that to pause and to make polite speeches would occupy too much time and would weary the newly married couple greatly if all the guests were to follow this lead. Handshakes and smiles are all that circumstances admit of on such occasions. 

Oftener than not, the bride has a word or two to say of thanks for a wedding present received on the previous evening, and this calls for a reply on the part of the sender before she can make room for another guest awaiting her turn to shake hands. – From “Good Form,” 1911

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Emily Post on Receiving Lines

 

Hands in Greeting 

Dear Mrs. Post: Etiquette suggests that a man wait for a woman to extend her hand in greeting first. But what is a man to do when a hostess receiving at a party for her daughter fails to put out her hand in spite of the fact that etiquette also says that a guest should shake hands with a hostess and her daughter in the receiving line at such a party? 

Answer: If she does not hold her hand out to him, then he behaves as he was taught in dancing school when a small boy. In other words, he takes one step, cracks his heels and bows from the waist and says, How do you do, Mrs. Brown.” – By the World's Foremost Authority on Etiquette © Emily Post, 1937

 Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Mid-20th C. Wedding Etiquette

Statistics show you’re more likely to be bride, groom or wedding guest in June... the “month of marriages” than at any other time in the year. But how much do you know about wedding manners? 

Test your knowledge on the wedding etiquette questions below...

1. You arrive at the church after the mother of the bride has been seated. You should 

• a) slip silently into the nearest pew. 
• b) wait in the church vestibule until after the ceremony. 
• c) take any free seat. 

2. As the usher escorts you to your seat, it is proper for you to 

• a) maintain a dignified silence.
• b) talk in a normal voice about anything that occurs to you.
• c) exchange polite remarks with the usher in a low voice.

3. On the receiving line you pass by the bride. If you do not know her personally, you 

• a) mumble “How do you do?” and move along quickly. 
• b) wish her good luck and tell her she made a lovely bride. 
• c) congratulate her. 

4. The two most popular pieces of music for weddings were originally 

• a) a bridal chorus for a medieval knight and a wedding march for a fairy queen.
• b) a church hymn and a march for an emperor’s procession. 
• c) tunes composed especially for church weddings. 

5. Right after marriage, the bride is faced with a stack of thank-you notes to write. The proper thing is to 

• a) write out each note, mentioning the gift and commenting on it. 
• b) have thank-you notes engraved and simply mail them out. 
• c) thank the giver in person or by phone. 

6. A family relative plans to photograph the ceremony. He should 

• a) consult the bride's mother. 
• b) go ahead on his own. 
• c) ask the clergyman's permission. 

7. Your husband is an usher at the wedding, but you're not invited to sit at the bride's table. You should 

• a) graciously be seated at a guest's table.
• b) insist on sitting with your husband.
• c) stalk out. 

8. The father of the bride feels he will look silly in a cutaway and refuses to join the groom in wearing one. The bride must 

• a) humor Daddy, who, after all, pays for the wedding.
• b) get him to compromise on a dark gray suit.
• c) persuade him at all costs to wear the cutaway. 

9. The bride's parents must 

• a) pay for both the bridesmaids’ and the maid of honor’s dresses.
• b) pay only for the maid of honor's dress. 
• c) let bridesmaids and maid of honor buy their own. 

10. Aunt Alice is invited to the wedding reception but will be unable to attend. She is 

• a) obliged to send a gift. 
• b) allowed to send one, but not obligated.
• c) definitely not supposed to send one.

Answers

1. b). No one should be seated after the bride’s mother has begun to walk down the aisle. This would detract from her entrance, at the moment when she should be the focus of all attention. 

2. c). Although it looks stiff and unnatural to walk down the aisle like a statue, it is not seemly to begin a lively conversation in church. Your wisest course is to talk quietly about a general subject until you are seated. 

3. b). Even though you don't know the bride, you must say something more than “How do you do?” to her. But never congratulate her, since this implies that she has managed to win her husband when it should be the other way around. Etiquette says that only the groom may be congratulated. It's proper to wish the bride happiness. 

4. a). The traditional “Here Comes the Bride” originally was a bridal chorus in Wagner's opera, Lohengrin. The wedding march customarily used as a recessional is the “Fairy Queen's Wedding March” from Mendelssohn's A Midsummer Night's Dream.

5. a). It is considered impolite to send out engraved thank-you notes, and downright rude not to send any at all. People who go to the trouble of selecting a gift deserve to know that the bride has noticed it. 

6. c). Although the wishes of the bride and her mother should be respected, the clergyman’s wishes are “the court of last resort.” 

7. a). The bridal table is officially only for the bridal party and does not even include the parents of bride and groom. 

8. c). When the groom is dressed formally, the fathers of both bride and groom must follow suit. Daddy would look much sillier wearing any other suit than he will in his cutaway. 

9. c). If the bride’s parents are well-fixed, she may elect to pay for her attendants’ gowns but she is under no obligation to do so in any case. 

10. b). A guest who has been invited to the reception is expected to send a gift if he accepts the invitation. If he does not accept, he may send one or not, as he chooses. A guest who has been asked only to the church ceremony also may send a gift or not, at his own discretion. 

Scoring:

Eight or more right answers means that, so far as etiquette is concerned, you're well briefed for anybody's wedding even your own. 

Five to seven is just getting by. 

Less than five means you'd better hold back on wedding bells until you've consulted a good book of etiquette. 

– Parade Magazine, June 8, 1958

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Wedding Guest Etiquette Quiz

Take this quiz from Bride's Magazine and see if you're up to the wedding season ahead! 

Do you know how to be the perfect guest?

If the first sign of spring is the crocus, the second is just as surely the wedding invitation. Now is the time of year when any day is likely to bring an elegant envelope tucked in with your electric bill, supermarket circular and favorite magazine subscription. So it's a good time to ask: How's your guest etiquette? 

True or False: 

1. Verbal acceptance of a wedding invitation is okay. 
2. You don't have to send a gift if you don't go to the wedding. 
3. You should bring the wedding present to the reception. 
4. If you're dating someone, it's all right to bring him or her to the wedding. 
5. A female guest shouldn't wear all-black or all-white. 
6. The last person to be seated in church is the mother of the bride. 
7. On the receiving line, you “congratulate” the groom, offer “best wishes” to the bride. 
8. You shouldn't leave the reception before the newlyweds do. 

Answers: 

1. F– Unless it's a very informal invitation. A formal, engraved invitation should be answered with a brief, handwritten note on a double sheet of fine white note paper. If a response card is provided, use that. 
2. T–  If you're close to the couple, you'll probably want to send a gift, but it's not required. 
3. F – Except if the gift is a check. Then you can bring it to the wedding and give it to the couple personally. (Make it out to Mr. and Mrs.) Otherwise, send the gift to the bride at her home as soon as possible after you receive the invitation. A check sent before the wedding is made out to the bride.
4. F – An invitation is only for those specifically mentioned. Unless it reads “and guest” or “and family,” they only want you. 
5. T – Although the rules are bending somewhat on this, especially since black is so fashionable now. In general, judge what you should wear by the formality of the invitation. You can rarely go wrong m a suit and tie, for a man, and a street-length dressy party or cocktail dress, for a woman. 
6. T – This is the signal that the ceremony is about to begin, so if you arrive later, stand unobtrusively at the back unless the ushers direct otherwise. It's best to try to arrive at least 10-15 minutes early. 
7. T – You could cause offense if you reverse them. Other tips for negotiating the receiving line: Introduce yourself to anyone who isn't certain to know you. (Remember, the whole wedding party is in a bit of a daze by now.) Say something brief and pleasant to parents and other family members. 
8. T – Although this was truer in the days when the bride and groom always left the reception early, in a shower of rice, to go directly on their honeymoon. These days, some newlyweds stay right until the end of the party, so an alternate rule might be: Don't leave until the cake has been cut and served. Remember to thank the wedding's hostess (usually the bride's mother) when you do go. – Bride’s Magazine, 1984

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia