Confusing Etiquette with “Outclassing” Others

As Amy Vanderbilt cautioned, one’s clothing or whatever, may show or exhibit class, but it’s not “classy” or “high class.”

Etiquette is Not "Outclassing
the Competition"

The word, “class,” has so many meanings.  Who wouldn’t prefer traveling “first class” over “economy?”  It is an honor to be distinguished by others as graduating “first in her class.”  “Best in class” signifies the highest recognized quality of service, material or performance.

The common promotional phrase, “outclassing the competition by learning etiquette” gives etiquette a bad name, implying that a goal of etiquette is to better oneself over others.  But aiming to be etiquette-ful is not about positioning yourself to “outclass” anyone else.

Etiquette is Not a Competition

Learning skills that help you smooth the edges in social and professional situations and that build confidence and competence in social and professional life is the heart of etiquette.  Etiquette does not imply wearing white gloves, children curtsying and women passing first through every door.

What etiquette does is solve for the ever-present need for courtesy, respect, and mindfulness of the needs of others.

If you are in business, of course you want your company to be selected as most worthy of a project or contract.  You feel fortunate and glad it was you who was selected, and you rest your laurels on the team and skills that put you there.  It feels good to be ranked in first place by an industry.

As a job applicant, you want to leave a good impression.  Though you might be equal to a hundred other applicants on paper, having the edge in social polish is what will tip the decision point in favor of a particular applicant. Striving for this kind of competence is not contingent on wanting to outclass someone else.

Regardless if you want to be upwardly mobile or whether you want to be the best you can be in any situation does not require, nor should it, that you “outclass” others.

Class Does Not Outclass

Politeness and consideration for others is like investing pennies and getting dollars back.  

~ Thomas Sowell

“Outclass” carries the negative connotation of wanting to excel or surpass so decisively as to be or appear to be of a higher class of people. Trying to look better than someone else puts you in a game of one-upmanship, where outdoing a rival or competitor by striving for superiority appears as putting yourself above someone else.  Pretentiousness is easily sensed by others.

Standing out in the crowd, being recognized for your personal attributes and skills and your knowledge of subject matter, and consideration of colleagues and business partners, will mark you as a professional.  

If you are hired because you demonstrate good manners and business acumen, it’s because you stood out.  Being chosen feels so wonderful, especially as you realize that you are considered trustworthy and capable.  Indeed, you might just get the position of a lifetime.

But if a person aims to “outclass,” that person is sending a negative message.  How would you feel if someone said to you, “I got the job because I outclassed everyone else”?  Being superior to someone else is not what etiquette promotes.

Etiquette promotes substance and authenticity and being etiquette-ful as you aim for the best version of yourself in all situations.  Having the cutting edge simply means you have and are aiming for development, innovation and great presentation.  And again, this has nothing to do with outclassing.

We do not teach our children that, as people, they are less than anyone else, or that others are of greater class or value.  We teach them to strive for self-improvement as they aim for human betterment in their lifetimes.

Though I’m sure people who use the phrase “outclassing the competition” deserve the benefit of a doubt, the language of “outclassing” others belongs to another era, and those who claim that the phrase describes a more modern form of etiquette should be challenged. 

Etiquette as an ideal of the best of human communication implies that we strive for courtesy and respect in every situation.  

Etiquette is not about extremes or about-all-or-nothing promotion.  It promotes a positive world view that embraces humanity and human betterment.

Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette, Snobbery and Women

“One hears often of a self-made man. He likes to advertise his rise in life. But you never hear of a self-made woman; you never hear a rich woman refer to the time when she was still a mill girl or a servant.” – Virginia Harlan, 1910

Cautioning on the Snobbishness of Women

Women, as a class, are distinctly snobbish. Although it is no extenuation, I grant you that there are snobbish men; but they are altogether out proportioned by the women of snobdom. You will please understand that in the course of these lines I shall refer consistently to the “average’’ woman. You, my dear feminine reader, of course, are not an average woman, and so may judge my statements impartially. Woman, at a very early age, reveals her innate tendency towards snobbishness. 

The little girl with any pretentions to station, gives herself absurd airs when brought into contact with another small child of a lower sphere. Let the small daughter of a tradesman go to a “school for young ladies”— save the mark—and she at once becomes the center of a certain scornful curiosity. Her school mates sneer and giggle at her and, despite their breeding, are not above the sniff ostentatious. They make it very clear to her that they look down on her for the awful fact that her father “keeps a shop.” As the little girl grows up her snobbishness grows with her. In her teens, she plays field games with restraint, hesitating to speak to any other girl players, lest they be of grosser birth than hers. 

Consider the anxiety of the average woman to impress her friends. In order to foster the idea that she has a large dress allowance, she is not above stinting herself in food, so as to have more money to spend on personal adornment. And all these “rolled gold” brooches, and “simulation diamond” rings, and “Peruvian pearl” necklaces — have they not been invented in order to minister to the feminine craving to create an impression? Surely there can be nothing much more snobbish than imitation jewelry! 

One hears often of a self-made man. He likes to advertise his rise in life. But you never hear of a self-made woman; you never hear a rich woman refer to the time when she was still a mill girl or a servant. The woman whose husband is now “getting on well” is always ready to sacrifice her old friends to her snobbishness. Such friends as she does not ruthlessly “cut” she patronizes, and very often they submit to it out of a mere snobbish desire to keep friends with someone rich and influential, who may ask them to dinner with “swells” at a moment's notice—if some guest happens to be unable to come.– By Virginia Harlan, 1910

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Ambitious Parvenus

A fancy wig does not a gentleman make.

The Hallmark of the Social Climber

Nothing so blatantly proclaims a woman climber as the repetition of prominent names, the owners of which she must have struggled to know. Otherwise, why so eagerly boast of the achievement? Nobody cares whom she knows--nobody that is, but a climber like herself. To those who were born and who live, no matter how quietly, in the security of a perfectly good ledge above and away from the social ladder's rungs, the evidence of one frantically climbing and trying to vaunt her exalted position is merely ludicrous.

All thoroughbred women, and men, are considerate of others less fortunately placed, especially of those in their employ. One of the tests by which to distinguish between the woman of breeding and the woman merely of wealth, is to notice the way she speaks to dependents. Queen Victoria's duchesses, those great ladies of grand manner, were the very ones who, on entering the house of a close friend, said "How do you do, Hawkins?" to a butler; and to a sister duchess's maid, "Good morning, Jenkins." 

A Maryland lady, still living on the estate granted to her family three generations before the Revolution, is quite as polite to her friends' servants as to her friends themselves. When you see a woman in silks and sables and diamonds speak to a little errand girl or a footman or a scullery maid as though they were the dirt under her feet, you may be sure of one thing; she hasn't come a very long way from the ground herself. — Emily Post, 1922

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia