Fraternal Advice on Good Manners

                                               

Good Manners are extremely important in every walk of life. Good manners are not merely something taken out of rule books on etiquette but are hard and fast practical assets in human relationship. The acquisition of knowing how to act in the company of other people is one of the most important phases of fraternity life. 

Politeness, courtesy, and proper behavior can make relationships enjoyable and pleasant. These qualities enable the man who has them to make acquaintances readily and gracefully. On the other hand, where these qualities are absent, social communion is difficult or marked by misunderstanding, embarrassment, and strangeness.

Good manners are the instruments that round of the personality of a man so that it is agreeable and becomes a strong magnet of attraction for fellowship in the business world as well as in campus life.

Good taste, so necessary to the college gentleman, is not a commodity that can be bought. It is a part of careful breeding. The average young man is schooled carefully at home in the niceties of social conduct, yet he is confronted with many new situations at college, and experience teaches the likelihood of the freshmen to grow careless about matters of conduct.

Probably no finer impression can be made upon guests, visiting alumni, rushees, professors, parents, and friends, than a chapter whose members know and show hospitality and good taste. There is no doubt about the weight of good taste in establishing a commendable atmosphere and reputation for the chapter.

Wrote John Henry Newman, English theologian and author of the last century; “It is almost a definition of a gentleman to say that he is one who inflicts no pain, carefully avoids whatever may cause a jar or jolt in the minds of those with whom he is cast. He has no ear for slander or gossip, is scrupulous imputing motives to those who interfere with him and interpret everything for the best. He is never mean or little in his disputes, never takes unfair advantage, never mistakes personalities or sharp sayings for arguments or insinuate evil which he dare not say out. He may be right or wrong in his opinion, but he is too clear headed to be unjust. He is a friend of religious toleration, and that, not only because his philosophy has taught him to look upon all forms of faith with an impartial eye, but also from the gentleness of feeling which is attendant on civilization.”— From Ch. 6 of the Sigma Phi Epsilon Fraternity Pledge Manual: The Fraternity Gentleman

Etiquette. Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and "Good Breeding"

Retrieving one's handkerchief does not necessarily make one a "gentleman" and being "well-bred" doesn't automatically make one a truly polite young lady.

The Letter and Spirit of "Good Breeding"

An excellent old gentleman, once upon a time, discussed the virtues and faults of his son with the young woman who was to be his daughter-in-law. "Dan's mother died when he was a baby," he said; "he has no near female relatives, he has spent nearly all his life in school and at college, so that he has never had that training which comes from association with well bred women. He is a good boy—as good as gold. There is nothing that he would not do for you. He will give you all that he has, he will be as true as steel, he will honor you and love you with all his heart, although he may forget to tell you so. He would die for you, but he will probably not pick up your pocket handkerchief for you." The young woman listened respectfully to a father's pardonable praise of his son, then she said, "But I do not want him to die for me, and I shall want him to pick up my pocket handkerchief." 

She preferred, says a correspondent of The InterOcean, who relates this little incident, the letter to the spirit. There are among many superficially polite people tremendous respect for certain requirements which they believe are an index to social position and indication of honorable origin, says the same writer. They would consider themselves hopelessly disgraced were they to put the knife to an improper use; to confuse the various spoons, forks and glasses about their plate at dinner, but other matters which affect their relations with their fellow being are passed over as of no consequence. 

One of the most common offenses among the superficially well bred is the slight and discourtesy which they show to dependents, or those whom they consider their social inferiors. The poor relation in his shabby coat and patched boots receives scant courtesy. The faithful dressmaker, met by chance in a public assemblage, is confronted with a stony stare, or is passed by and not seen at all. This is always the ill breeding of the snob, of the newly rich who, not feeling sure of themselves, knowing well what they are and whence they came, believe that their hardly earned place can be retained only by this stern discrimination. They believe that, like liberty, eternal vigilance is the price of "position."
–Los Angeles Herald, 1891

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura Graber, is the Site Moderator for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Hat Tippng Etiquette and History

“Tipping of the hat is a conventional gesture of politeness. This hat tipping custom has the same origin as military saluting, which came from the raising of medieval Knights face visors to show friendliness.” - from “Ask Andy About Clothes” website

The custom of a man tipping his hat to others derived from an ancient practice. When knights in medieval times wanted to express friendly intent, they would raise their face masks and reveal their faces. The practice of saluting is also derived from this friendly exchange between knights.  Lifting one's armor mask eventually evolved into the custom of “tipping” or “doffing” one's hat to greet or acknowledge another, women in particular.  

“If a gentleman meets a gentleman, he may salute him by touching his hat without removing it, but if a lady be with either gentleman, both hats must be lifted in salutation. If a gentleman stops to speak to a lady, in the street, he must hold his hat in his hand during the interview, unless she requests him to replace it. With a gentleman friend etiquette does not require this formality.” - From Frosts Laws and By-Laws of American Society, 1869

“This practice also evolved into the removal of one's hat when entering a building...”

Knights would remove their helmet when entering a building  to signify  a peaceful position, since a knight could not fight or defend himself without the helmet.  Since the removal of his helmet made him vulnerable, it informed others that combat or any type of violence was not his motive. This practice also evolved into the removal of one's hat when entering a building, when hearing the national anthem and in different situations where they would not be going back out in public immediately. Men would hold their hats in their hand when speaking with a lady but would put it back on when they began to walk together if out in public.

 
Hat Tipping Etiquette

When a gentleman lifts his hat, he does not tip it when he meets or passes a woman he knows or when he is with someone who greets a woman acquaintance.  If he simply passes a woman or if he has to greet her, he falls into step beside her, he replaces his hat at once. Usually if they stop and chat for a moment he stands bareheaded. If the thermometer were hovering in the neighborhood of zero he would probably dispense with this courtesy after a moment - even if the woman did not, as she should ask him to replace his hat. 

When a man passes another man of his own age whom he knows, he merely touches his hat with his fingers. For an older, or very distinguished man, he lifts it. When a lady enters an elevator man takes off his hat. In the corridor of the building he usually keeps it on. In the elevators of office buildings in stores, which are public places, he need not remove his hat, though he often does. When a man passes a woman in a narrow corridor when he does her a trifling service, such as picking up something which she has dropped, or when he is with the woman for whom some other man does a service, he lifts his hat. 

He lifts his hat when the national flag passes, when a funeral goes by, if he belongs to certain religions or when he passes a church.  When a man lifts his hat to a stranger he does not look at the other person. When he lifts it to a friend or acquaintance he usually smiles and bows with whatever degree of cordiality best expresses their relationship. – Margery Wilson, from "Pocketbook of Etiquette" 1937

This common courtesy has its roots in codes of conduct and communication from ancient practices to ensure a peaceful position was maintained in certain situations, and continues with us today.

Submitted by Demita Usher of Social Graces and Savoir Faire

Vintage 1940's and 1950's Frat House Etiquette

From Ch. 6 of the Sigma Phi Epsilon Fraternity Pledge Manual: The Fraternity Gentleman

Copyright 1940, text from 1958 printing

The chances are that you'll find more gentleman per square foot if all the men—

Place knife and fork on plate when not in use.
Turn the blade of the knife in. 

Break a slice of bread into at least four pieces, no less, and butter a bite at a time. 

Chew slowly and thoroughly. 

Use a napkin frequently. 

Sit erect. 

Take small mouthfuls. 

Hold elbows close to body. 

Place spoon in proper saucer. 

Stir liquids briefly and quietly. 

Place your prongs up on plate. 

Hold fork in left hand when cutting foods with knife.

Eat salads and vegetables with fork.

Take soup from side of spoon, scooping thitherwardly.

Converse quietly and not volubly. 

Be natural and at ease. 

Place napkins at left of plate when rising.

A 1940's Fraternity Toga Party; One was still expected to be a gentleman.

Here are other useful points—

A good rule, cut your food with a fork if it is soft and can readily be done this way. Also use fork for vegetables and salads and for pastry dessert. Use the regular dinner fork if no salad or dessert fork has been provided. When you are not using the fork, and after you've finished eating, place it on the plate prongs up. 

The knife is used to cut with and you shouldn't use it to dissect baked potatoes and other such foods. When you're not using the knife, you should place it on the side of the plate, edged turned in. It is incorrect to lean the knife or other utensils against the plate edge. 

When special steak and butter knives are provided, they should be readily recognized.  At the end of the meal the knife and fork should be placed on the plate at an angle of about forty-five degrees to the edge of the table, handle to the right. This is utilitarian for thus the silver has no chance of slipping off the plate when it is taken from the table.

A spoonful of soup is carried just to the lips and not into the mouth. Solids or semi-solids are taken into the mouth, though no farther than necessary, and large or heaping spoonfuls should be avoided. Do not use a spoon for vegetables.

There are some edibles which are to be taken in the fingers such as corn on the cob, olives, pickles, celery, green onions, and artichokes. Chicken is occasionally handled with the fingers, but don't do it unless it's the custom of the house. Crackers or bread shouldn't be broken into soup or stew any more than gravy should be poured over a slice of bread in a plate. And don't dunk.

Of the three methods of serving food, the family style, that of placing the food on the table and allowing the guests to help themselves, is the most informal. When family style is the custom, food should be passed to the right, enabling one to serve a guest before oneself.

North Carolina State's First African American Fraternity, 1971

A more formal style of serving, employed in chapter houses is for special guest dinners and for the evening meal, is to serve on plates from the kitchen or serving pantry.  Bread, butter, and such items may be placed on the table, or these also may be brought in from the kitchen. The host and guests are served first from the left; the plates are also removed from the left. One shouldn't begin to eat until the others have been served and the head of the table or the host himself begins. However, if a nervous or over-hungry guest should start beforehand, it might relieve embarrassment for the members to begin too.

The third style of serving is from the head of the table. From serving dishes placed there, the person at the head portions out the food on the plates, passing them down both sides, without deference to guests. Those at the table pass along their plates for portions, or the plates may all be placed at the head.

There is a good reason for nearly every rule governing table etiquette. People who are naturally courteous and thoughtful have little difficulty in cultivating a good table manners.  The basis of all formal etiquette is consideration for the rights and sensibilities of others. Manners differ from state to state; the local custom should be observed.

"Good taste, so necessary to the college gentleman, is not a commodity that can be bought." A 1955 Fraternity photo from New York

Good Manners

Good Manners are extremely important in every walk of life. Good manners are not merely something taken out of rule books on etiquette but are hard and fast practical assets in human relationship. The acquisition of knowing how to act in the company of other people is one of the most important phases of fraternity life. Politeness, courtesy, and proper behavior can make relationships enjoyable and pleasant. These qualities enable the man who has them to make acquaintances readily and gracefully. On the other hand, where these qualities are absent, social communion is difficult or marked by misunderstanding, embarrassment, and strangeness.

Good manners are the instruments that round of the personality of a man so that it is agreeable and becomes a strong magnet of attraction for fellowship in the business world as well as in campus life.

Good taste, so necessary to the college gentleman, is not a commodity that can be bought. It is a part of careful breeding. The average young man is schooled carefully at home in the niceties of social conduct, yet he is confronted with many new situations at college, and experience teaches the likelihood of the freshmen to grow careless about matters of conduct.

Probably no finer impression can be made upon guests, visiting alumni, rushees, professors, parents, and friends, than a chapter whose members know and show hospitality and good taste. There is no doubt about the weight of good taste in establishing a commendable atmosphere and reputation for the chapter.

Wrote John Henry Newman, English theologian and author of the last century; "It is almost a definition of a gentleman to say that he is one who inflicts no pain, carefully avoids whatever may cause a jar or jolt in the minds of those with whom he is cast. He has no ear for slander or gossip, is scrupulous imputing motives to those who interfere with him and interpret everything for the best. He is never mean or little in his disputes, never takes unfair advantage, never mistakes personalities or sharp sayings for arguments or insinuate evil which he dare not say out. He may be right or wrong in his opinion, but he is too clear headed to be unjust. He is a friend of religious toleration, and that, not only because his philosophy has taught him to look upon all forms of faith with an impartial eye, but also from the gentleness of feeling which is attendant on civilization."

Etiquette. Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia