Friday, April 30, 2021

The Night Washington Society Destroyed the Buffet

 

The American people, in general, we are ashamed to say, have not yet learned how to behave at table; and that species of etiquette, not too prevalent in private, is certainly always absent at public suppers. So it was not strange that we should have had warning visions of a grand rush, then a crush, and a demolition in the twinkling of an eye of all the confectioner's handiwork, the frantic snatching of viands from the tables, the brandishing aloft of wine cup, and plate, and cutlery, laden with articles alike dangerous to toilet and stomach; of munching and crunching sans ceremonis; of defilement and ruin to precious apparel, the result perhaps of weeks of the dressmaker's effort; of the loss of temper, and loud cries of complaint. And indeed we harbored a a fear as a consequence that a graceful assemblage of dignified ladies and gentlemen might be transformed, as if by the wand of some evil spirit, into a social raffle, where he who was rudest should be most successful in appeasing the cravings of the appetite, and in pocketing the delicate ornamentations of the table.  
– Photo courtesy of the National Park Service




The Inauguration Ball 
Magnificent Finale of the Season Full and Graphic Description of the Ceremonies and Festivities — Splendid and Magnificent Toilettes of the Ladies —
Terrific Crush at the Supper Table

The Washington “season” is past, and there certainly could not have been a more magnificent nor graceful finale; not alone to the Winter's gaities, but to the ceremonies which have made Abraham Lincoln our President again for the next four years, than the time-honored National Inauguration Ball which came off last night; and it is entirely appropriate that not alone with firing of cannon and waving of banners, in which men alone participate, but with music and dancing should we meet and celebrate this signal occasion, when the gentlemen are expected to be as gallant, and the ladies as lovely as possible.
 

The marble halls of the Patent-office were selected as the most commodious and best adaped in the city. The hall appropriated to dancing is two hundred and eighty feet long, by about sixty feet in width; and the floor is laid in large blocks of blue and white marble. Its decorations were really beautiful -- emblems, banners and devices being tastefully disposed on the walls, while the elaborately frescoed ceiling imparted an air of decided grandeur. Among the decorations the American flag was most prominent, while the various flags of the different army corps formed an appropriate accompaniment. A gallery at the east end was occupied by a fine brass band, which gave music for the promenade, while in the centre, on the south side, a splendid string band furnished music for the dance.

Beside this spacious hall, a wing, three hundred feet in length, was appropriated for the promenade, and a corresponding one on the opposite side for the supper-room. The music was excellent, and had the several halls and the entire building been thoroughly lighted, which they were not, the effect would have been much finer. But gas is certainly not good in Washington, though said to be very abundant. On a dais, at the northern side, were sofas and chairs in blue and gold for the President and family.

All the arrangements see med to be under the management of capability and distinction. The tickets for the ladies were very elaborate and prettily designed, six by ten inches in size, and ornamented with portraits of the President and Vice-President, beside two very good likenesses of the American eagle.

As early as 9 o'clock the carriages began to arrive, and soon the ball-room was thronged. The excellent bands of music soon set the lovers of Terpsichore into the graceful mazes of the dance. At about 10:30 o'clock an avant courrier cleared the way from the main entrance, when His Excellency, accompanied by Speaker Colfax, entered the hall. Following was Mrs. Lincoln upon the arm of Senator Sumner. They walked down the centre of the long hall, and turning at the upper end returned mid-way to the dais, when they became seated. Mr. Lincoln was evidently trying to (throw off care for the time; but with rather ill success, and looked very old; yet he seemed pleased and gratified, as he was greeted by the people. He wore a plain black suit and white gloves.

Mrs. Lincoln looked extremely well, and was attired in the most elegant manner; her dress was made of white satin, very ample and rich, but almost entirely covered by a tunic or rather skirt of the finest point applique. Her corsage, which was low, and the short sleeves, were ornamented richly by a Bertha collar made of the same material, and the shawl, also of the same rich lace, was most exquisite. Passementerie of narrow fluted satin ribbon and nouds completed the dress. Her jewels were of the rarest pearls, necklace, earrings, brooch and bracelets. Her hair, which was put plainly back from her face, was ornamented with trailing jessamine and clustering violets most gracefully. She looked exceedingly well with her soft, white complexion, and her toilet was faultless. Her manners are very easy and affable.

Mr. Robert Lincoln, a fine-looking young man, wearing the uniform of a Captain in the regular army, was also present.

About 11 o'clock Secretaries Seward, Welles, Attorney-General Speed and a large number of diplomats, accompanied by their wives and daughters, made their appearance. Mrs. Secretary Welles, a lady of rather petite figure, was dressed in a mode-colored silk, with black lace shawl. Mrs. Secretary Usher, of about the same stature, wore a rich dress of garnet satin, very plainly but richly made. Mrs. Postmaster- General Dennison, who is a very fine-looking lady, wore a most becoming dress of heavy black velvet, brilliant jewels and hair plainly dressed. Her daughter was in white muslin, embroidered with black. Mrs. Fred. Seward, wife of the Assistant Secretary of State, was attired in a pretty rose-colored silk, handsomely trimmed. Mrs. Senator Harris, who has the appearance of a a well-preserved English lady, wore a most elegant dress of corn-colored silk, trimmed with point appliqué. Mrs. Senator McDougall was also richly attired. The wife of our artist Carpenter was dressed in light silk, with a ruche of tulle. One of the most elaborate and rich dresses in the room was worn by Mrs. George Francis Train; it was a very finely plaided blue silk, trimmed with a flounce of thread lace, almost as deep as her skirt, and other laces to match. Her hair was powdered with gold. Mr. Train was also present.

The multitude of recherche dresses worn by ladies of distinction, it would be impossible to enumerate. There was a prependerance of sensible, high-necked dresses; but a few, and some not American, wore corsages shockingly decolettee. Many ladies who wore velvets, moires and heavier silks, dispensed with hoops altogether, thereby displaying their good taste as well as their regard for the appreciation of some approximation to the female form which still inheres or lingers in the mind of man; one, a matron and evidently a Spanish lady, wore a dress of cloth of gold, with raised crimson velvet flowers, such an one as is seldom seen in this country, or afforded, in any other. In her hair she wore a cluster of five or six enormous diamond rings, strung on a bandeau of velvet. Her laces were also of the finest quality. In her hand she carried a large fan of the gayest and most brilliant workmanship, which seemed to give a breeze of a more ardent clime than ours. A moire antique dress, high-necked and ample-skirted, of the most delicate shade of green imaginable, and worn by a young lady, was indeed exquisite; and also a very light lavender moire antique, trimmed heavily upon the skirt and waist with long silver fringe, was superb. Silks predominated over the more airy textures. Diamonds and other precious jewels were worn in great abundance; and rich laces were plentiful. Some ladies displayed the bad taste of wearing their rings over their gloves. Every lady makes the most of her -- " or somebody's else" -- hair, which is frizzed and puffed and curled in the most extensive manner, and is powdered frequently with diamond and gold dust. One dress of mauve velvet, trimmed with deep point lace, we must not omit to mention. It was royal.

Doubtless the shoddy and petrolia family were represented, to a limited degree; but "oil" will tell very soon, as it spreads so rapidly, and cloth not unfrequently makes the man. Tehre were not, however, any colored persons present, as the Washington Secessionists insisted would be the case.

The Supper

It had been rumored -- and the foundation for the report was only rumor -- that the supper was to be something extraordinary. We were surprised at this, because we knew good taste and modern custom, in small places like New-York, have, of late years, literally eschewed the practice of immense suppers at public balls; and this reform had been necessitated by the fact that such attempts had generally ended in catastrophes to the toilets and tempers of all participants. It was, therefore, with misgivings that we saw it announced that a grand supper would be served in one of the corridors of the extensive building. The American people, in general, we are ashamed to say, have not yet learned how to behave at table; and that species of etiquette, not too prevalent in private, is certainly always absent at public suppers. So it was not strange that we should have had warning visions of a grand rush, then a crush, and a demolition in the twinkling of an eye of all the confectioner's handiwork, the frantic snatching of viands from the tables, the brandishing aloft of wine cup, and plate, and cutlery, laden with articles alike dangerous to toilet and stomach; of munching and crunching sans ceremonis; of defilement and ruin to precious apparel, the result perhaps of weeks of the dressmaker's effort; of the loss of temper, and loud cries of complaint. And indeed we harbored a a fear as a consequence that a graceful assemblage of dignified ladies and gentlemen might be transformed, as if by the wand of some evil spirit, into a social raffle, where he who was rudest should be most successful in appeasing the cravings of the appetite, and in pocketing the delicate ornamentations of the table.

The name of the cuisinier has escaped us, and it is not worth while to hunt it up now. Suffice it to say it was not Delmonico, therefore we did not expect perfection. The hall set apart for supper was the grand corridor in the west wing. The table was set in the centre, and it gave standing-room for about three hundred persons at one time. The cabinets of the works of genius and invention, placed at intervals, served to form alcoves on each side of the supper-table. On one side, some of these were provided with seats; on the other, they were reserved for depositing the extraordinary quantity of material necessary for such a host, and for the operations of the waiters.

The ornamentation of the table, though limited in extent, was in excellent taste, and perhaps quite as profuse as the unfortunately small space devoted to the supper would permit. There were three leading and conspicuous pieces from the confectioner's hands, placed at appropriate points in the centre and at each end of the table; in the centre, our imposing Capitol, perfect in miniature; at one end an exquisite representation of the heroic deeds of the gallant army; at the other, a similar device of the proud achievements of the navy. The representation of the Capitol was admirably executed; no detail seemed to be too minute for imitation. Even the lamps at the entrance seemed to give forth light. 

The columns, pedestals, cornices, frieze entablatures, windows, statuary, and the majestic dome, and towering above all else, the Goddess of Liberty, were all there as perfect as the mould and model could make them. In addition, there were several allegorical representations of the progress of civilization, the genius, the arts, the sciences and literature of the day. The piece on the right, was in honor of the army; and the glory and fame of the defenders of our liberty were illustrated by a pyramid, around which were clustered in tasteful profusion all the insignia of war, the paraphernalia of battle, and the emblems of victory. The navy was honored in the same manner, the representation being surmounted with Admiral Farragut's old flagship Hartford, gallantly riding the white crested waves, while aloft might be seen the Admiral himself lashed to the rigging, emblematical of the old hero's achievements in the Bay of Mobile; then battered Fort Sumter, the sad epitome of secession; then Neptune with chariot and trident, and the Goddess of Liberty, inspiring the brave sailor to greater glory and higher fame. There were other ornamentations, principally pyramids of which the detail is unimportant, for nougate, croquant, and chocolate are the same here as elsewhere.

The bill of fare provided a select and tasteful variety, and no better idea of it can be obtained than by inserting it right here verbatim.

Bill of Fare

Oyster stews, terrapin stews, oysters pickled; beef-roast beef, fillet de beef, beef a la mode, beef a l'anglais; veal -- leg of veal, fricandeau, veal Malakoff; poultry-roast turkey, boned turkey, roast chicken; grouse - boned and roast; game -- pheasant, quail, venison. patetes, patete of duck en galee, patete de foie gras; smoked ham, tongue en gelee, tongue plain; salades, chicken, lobsters; ornamental pyramids -- nougate, orange, caramel with fancy cream candy, cocoanut, macaroon, croquant, chocolate; tree cakes -- cakes and tarts, almond sponge, belle alliance, dame blanche, macaroon tart, tart a la Nelson, tarte a l'Orleans, tarte a la Portuguese, tarte a la Vienne, pound cake, sponge cake, lady cake, fancy small cakes; jellies and creams -- calf’s foot and wine jelly, Charlotte a la Russe, Charlotte a la vanilla, blanc mange, creme Neapolitane, creme a la Nelson, creme Chateaubriand, creme a la Smyrna, creme a la Nesselrode, bombe a la vanilla, ice cream, vanilla, lemon, white coffee, chocolate, burnt almonds, maraschino, fruit ices, strawberry, orange, lemon; dessert -- grapes, almonds, raisins, &c., coffee and chocolate.

A Terrific Crush

This was the programme for the feast. The only thing which did not seem promising was the fact that but three hundred could be comfortably accommodated at one time, while there were five thousand persons to be accommodated, and a large majority of them ladies.

About the hour of 12, the Presidential party were escorted by a private entrance to privileged places. Soon afterward the doors were opened, and a throng of more than a thousand, who had collected at that end of the hall, poured into the supper-room. Of course, when three persons occupy the space barely sufficient for one, a “crush” is the result; and the crush which followed can better be imagined than depicted.

But this was not the worst feature. With that indecency of conduct and want of politeness and etiquette which characterizes many American people at table, and which is the certain accompaniment of a large crowd at a public supper, many gentlemen, and even some of our own sex who delight to be esteemed ladies, seized upon the most ornamental and least nutritious part of the table decorations, demolished them, carried the pieces off in handkerchiefs or crushed them under foot. Then the more substantial viands were served likewise. Large dishes of choice meats, pattetes, salades and jellies were carried off vi et armis into the alcoves, or elsewhere. One gentleman presented a very ludicrous attitude with a large plate of smoked tongue, requiring both hands to hold it, no place to sit down, and no way to eat it! He looked the picture of despair.

In less than an hour the table was a wreck; a few ornaments not destroyed were removed, and the array of empty dishes and the debris of the feast were positively frightful to behold.

The doors were now wide open, and hundreds of ladies in elegant silks, satins and velvets, and gentlemen in dainty broadcloth, surged and struggled back and forth. A few obtained something to eat, others very little, and many more only succeded in ruining their toilets. As much was wasted as was eaten, and however much may have been provided more than half the guests went supperless. But it was a public supper; we were not much disappointed, and though the gentlemen who managed it may have been to blame for the want of room, the fact remains that the supper was a disaster, and detracted from the otherwise pleasant aspect of the occasion.

Up to midnight, there was little opportunity for dancing, owing to the immense number present; but after the departure of the President and party, which occurred soon after 12 o'clock, the assemblage became sensibly smaller, promenading easier, and dancing quite comfortable. Those who love to “thread the mazes of the dance” then indulged themselves to their entire satisfaction, and the ball went on almost until the dawn of day.

Conspicuous upon the floor were the military and naval officers, who seemed to prefer dancing to any other amusement. One set in the Lancers, in which were Admiral Farragut and Gen. Banks, attracted much attention. Among other military and naval officers of distinction on the floor during the evening were Major-Gens. Halleck and Hooker, and Brevet Major-Gens. Webb and Robinson, Brig.-Gen. Harden, and others whose names are forgotten in the recollection of that brilliant throng. Young and graceful Lieut. Cushing was also there, and we learned that he soon expects to unfurl his flag on foreign shores.

The leading men of politics were also there. Secretary Seward, active, agile and graceful, a marked man anywhere. Senators Morgan and Harris, of New-York; Sumner and Wilson, of Massachusetts; Lane, of Indiana; Yates, of Illinois; Chandler, of Michigan; Wilkeson, of Minnesota; McDougal, of California; Nye, of Nevada; Williams, of Oregon; and others. The House was also well represented by Speaker Colfax, and also by numerous members whose names and utterances have so often been printed in the TIMES as to render it unnecessary here. The arrangement of the ladies' retiring-rooms and the gentlemen's cloak and hat-room were among the very best we have ever seen. Everything was safely and degnitely checked, and there were plenty of attendants. The carriage arrangements were also good; and, take it all in all, the whole affair, save the calamity of the supper, was as successful as such a thing can ever be in Washington.

Such an assembly of American ladies, dressed so magnificently, cannot fail to be surpassingly lovely. In no foreign court could such a number of beautiful, graceful and intelligent women be gathered. Well may they shine and rejoice upon such an occasion as this; for well have they done their duty during this terrible war. They have sent their first and latest born, their lovers, husbands and fathers, giving their lives to the sacrifice of liberty and nationality, and as we stood and glanced over that happy, sparkling throng, we thought how many of those smiling lips had grown tremulous as they bade the loved one good-bye and God-speed; how many of those happy hearts had ached through the long absence; how many fair fingers had ministered at home, scraping lint, knitting stockings, or writing to the absent one; or in the hospital with the living and the dying; and it is but meet that now when the voice of peace is being heard in the land, and justice and liberty restored, that they should meet to rejoice and congratulate upon this befitting occasion. The great, warm heart of the nation has little sympathy with that neuralgic nerve which forbids the expression of exuberant feeling at this most suspicions moment. Then let the eyes which have wept by dried and sparkle, and let music fill the air, and ion be unconfined, and, more than all else, let the nation, rejoice in her beautiful, virtuous, Christian women. -E.J.M. —
 Special Correspondence of the New-York Times. WASHINGTON, March 8, 1865




Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Thursday, April 29, 2021

More Gilded Age Style and Fashion

 

The day for very fluffy collar decorations has closed, and the new neck finish is a narrow frill of loose net across the back, only with two rosettes of the same crushed against the collar. 


This is Popular

The accompanying illustration shows the popular street jacket worn now in costume. “Coachman's drab” is the color, and dark green is the color of the velvet employed in the revers, cuffs and beading around its edge. A chemisette and collar of linen, with a green scarf of soft jib, finishes this natty “coat-let.” The back just fits the waistline and fits tight. The lining is drab satin.—Woman’s Home Companion, 1898

The New Collars and Stocks

The day for very fluffy collar decorations has closed, and the new neck finish is a narrow frill of loose net across the back, only with two rosettes of the same crushed against the collar. The latter is a plain band on a woolen gown, and often the same on a silk one, with a row of trimming at the top. Thin materials have a collar of the same goods. In small tucks, and ribbon, is folded in smooth rows, not loosely crushed as of yore. 

Collars are comfortably high, and white linen ones are worn with shirt waists of all kinds and with tailored gowns. Stocks of silk or satin have a smooth band with a bias piece from each side of the back tied in a neat bow in front, or arranged in a long knot, but these are for the plainest gowns or waists. Long net, mull and china silk scarfs are worn in place of collars twice around the neck and bowed in front with ends to the waist line.—Ladies Home Journal, 1898



Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Wednesday, April 28, 2021

Fashion and Flower Etiquette of 1898

As a dinner gown, or as a costume for general evening wear, the gown shown in the illustration may well be adopted. It is particularly becoming to young women, though not at all inappropriate for the middle aged. 


Women and Fashion for Dinner or Evening Wear
and 
The Fashions and Etiquette of Flowers 


As a dinner gown or as a costume for general evening wear, the gown shown in the illustration may well be adopted. It is particularly becoming to young women, though not at all inappropriate for the middle aged. 

The material for the gown is black satin. The skirt is made rather full and falls in wide loose folds in the back. It is quite devoid of trimming. The corsage is finished in wide revers of mandarin velvet trimmed, with fanciful designs in jet. The front is of mandarin crepe de chine, gathered vertically.

About Wearing Flowers

Fashionable girls no longer have favorite flowers. Sentiment is sacrificed to style. Flowers for street wear must be chosen carefully. They must be inconspicuous blossoms and be worn only where fashion dictates. 
  • Roses should never be worn with a street costume. 
  • It is incorrect to wear on the street large bunches of any flower. 
  • Violets and valley lilies are the fashionable flowers of the moment for street wear. The stems of the flowers should never be visible. They should be covered entirely by loops of ribbon. 
  • Violets should be worn fastened to the left shoulder, but the valley lilies may be pinned at the waist. It is bad form to wear a bunch of violets with a shabby dress and a hat which has seen better days. It is equally bad taste to wear purple violets with a vivid red dress. 
  • Whenever it is possible the flowers should harmonize with the coloring of the costume with which they are worn.
  • Women should never carry large bunches of flowers to the theater unless they are in evening costume and are to sit in a box. 
  • It is not good form for a woman to walk down the aisle of a theater carrying a bunch of flowers as large as a bridal bouquet. 
  • Women should never over-decorate their hair with flowers, nor trim the corsage of their gowns, so that it bears an unmistakable resemblance to a flourishing flower garden. —New York Telegram, 1898

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia


Tuesday, April 27, 2021

Gilded Age Seaside Chivalry

 

If one has no donkey or other mode of conveyance at the beach, a gallant young man may be a welcome sight when slippers start to fill with sand!


Etiquette at the Beach 


A seasonable bit of gallant etiquette is offering to empty a lady's slipper of the sand gathered during a stroll on the beach. The lady hops on one foot while her cavalier, very much in the same way he would pick a stone from a horse’s hoof, deftly extracts the gritty particles which have made the fair one “go lame.” Fashionable slippers were not made for country walking, but they are a “boon,” as Artemus Ward once said of the Tower of London, to idle youngsters, who pose as gallants of the deepest dye at summer resorts.— Boston Beacon, 1886



Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Monday, April 26, 2021

Etiquette and Manners for Vaping

 The Need for Vaping Etiquette

Vaping Outdoors

First came smoking, now comes vaping.  A much less invasive activity but, nevertheless, one which I've received etiquette questions about.

E-cigarettes (electronic cigarettes) and other vaping devices are fast gaining in popularity, and I believe the mannerly behavior of those who partake should, too.

What is vaping?

Vaping is the use of an electronic device from which you inhale the vapors of a liquid.  The liquid may contain various flavors and nicotine.  

e-cigarette

Because the devices are small (some akin to cigarettes), and because "smoke" is produced when you exhale while enjoying the activity, many people around you may think you are smoking.  And here in the United States, smoking is banned in many public areas, office buildings, shops, and restaurants.

Many vapers (or, people who are vaping), receive glares and comments from people in their vicinity.  They may be told they cannot smoke even though, technically, they're not.

Vaping is not necessarily a smelly activity like smoking is.  The mild fragrance that may be emitted is not typically strong enough to be disturbing to others.

While this may be true, until vaping and smoking are easily distinguishable, they are bound to be considered the same in many opinions.

Appropriate Vaping Etiquette

One thing vapers can do to win over anti-smoking opinions is show courtesy and understanding.  As is the basis of etiquette, show consideration for the people around you and the environment in which you find yourself.

For instance, it may be perfectly acceptable to vape while attending an outdoor concert, but not in a restaurant.

Other mannerly behaviors for vapers are . . .

  • When in public or surrounded by other people, ask if they are okay with vaping before you do it.
  • Avoid vaping around children.
  • If you are in an establishment where smoking is prohibited, do not vape.
  • If you are in a place where smoking is prohibited, but vaping may be acceptable (like a bar or outdoor venue), ask the management of the establishment, and the people around you, for permission.
  • Be respectful when someone asks you to cease vaping.

Though vaping has advantages over cigarette smoking - it's a healthier and more economical alternative - the acceptance of vaping will spread more quickly when vaping etiquette is observed.  After all, people who observe mannerly behavior are more easily respected by others.

For more vaping etiquette guidelines, take a look at this infographic, courtesy of Steve Barrett at purplebox vapours.  



Contributor Candace Smith, teaches university students and professionals, the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/


Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia






Sunday, April 25, 2021

Table Manners of Children

Depiction of children in a class learning to set the table in the late 1800’s— “Children should be taught early to use their napkins properly, to lay them on the table without folding, to handle forks nicely, to use their knives rarely, never to mix food into great mouthfuls, to use a bit of bread in the left hand, to eat soup without “gurgling,” to drink without noise, to leave their plates tidy with knife and fork lying parallel to each other, to not leave the spoon in the tea cup, to spill none of the contents of the cup into the saucer, and hundreds of other small but important habits.”



Importance of Early Training in the Matter of Eating


The young person is to be sincerely pitied who has had no careful mother, nurse, or governess to attend to this in childhood—that golden time when learning is so easy. Men and women are judged by trifles. After a rugged backwoodsman has hewn his way to a high place in the councils of the country, or, perhaps, saved it in our hour of peril, one may well forgive him if he forgets the right way to shake hands, or doff his hat, or enter into a drawing-room. But even he will be unforgiven if his table manners are untidy or offensive. Just here the most amiable of men, Thackeray, drew a sharp line. “Oh” he sighs, “If only the dear American girls would not strip the corn of their white teeth!” and again: “How can I breakfast with five women eating with their knives! I could have stood one — but five, all at once!”

In the old times immense importance was given to the etiquette of the table, made more necessary then than now, because the service à la Russe was not in fashion, and any moment any man might be called upon to carve a roast or joint. Then, too, the easy meal was a perilous affair, to be safely consummated only by the expert. The young man of Revolutionary days was a martyr to the “handed” tea; for tea cups, buttered muffins, slices of Sally Lunn, and chipped beef or shaved ham – these all, and more, had to be taken care of upon his trembling knee. Now and then a plate would crash upon the polished floor and fill the blushing swain with confusion. 

Once, when a stranger had won the heart of the tiniest little maid of her family, and when her spirit had been sorely tried at hearing her sable nurse express doubt as to whether he was a gentleman, leaning on her father‘s knee and looking earnestly into his face she asked: “Papa, is Mr. Dawson a gentleman?” “Wait, Blossom, until I see him follow the hounds,” replied the Squire. “But Mammy Grace says she’ll know as soon as he eats an egg,” said the fairy. Sure enough, he broke a section from the shell at breakfast the next morning, and ate all the contents with a spoon from the shell itself. That settled it. He was a gentleman.

Children should be taught early to use their napkins properly, to lay them on the table without folding, to handle forks nicely, to use their knives rarely, never to mix food into great mouthfuls, to use a bit of bread in the left hand, to eat soup without “gurgling,” to drink without noise, to leave their plates tidy with knife and fork lying parallel to each other, to not leave the spoon in the tea cup, to spill none of the contents of the cup into the saucer, and hundreds of other small but important habits.—Mrs. Roger A. Pryor in The Delineator, 1895


Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia Etiquette Encyclopedia

Saturday, April 24, 2021

Vintage Etiquette Advice for Executives

 

What’s New in Executive Etiquette, 

circa 1985



LETITIA BALDRIGE remembers them well.

The night she neglected to attend a black tie dinner given in her honor because she had written down the wrong date. The day she prepared a five-course meal for a Mormon Cabinet member who could not touch the food because every dish contained alcohol. The time she greeted a top Washington official and forgot his name.

“I've learned from my mistakes,” said Miss Baldrige in an interview at her Park Avenue apartment.

She wants others to do as well. This week marks the appearance of “Letitia Baldrige's Complete Guide to Executive Manners,” published by Rawson Associates. It is a book of rules and tips culled from the former White House social secretary's experiences and observations. Based on the theory that good manners are the cornerstone of a successful company, the book is geared toward helping individuals attain poise and confidence within the workplace and outside it.

As a desk-top compendium of social savvy, it covers the basics - how to make an introduction, how to become a good conversationalist, how to be a good host or guest. Several chapters are devoted to quirky matters, such as “Divorce Etiquette in the Office” and “Using Nicknames in the Workplace.”

But the book's meat and potatoes stem from classic corporate protocol - conducting annual meetings, evaluating subordinates, entertaining out-of-town clients and making public appearances.

Say, for example, a high-powered executive is invited to a gala fund-raising benefit and asked to sit on the dais, beside the guest of honor. What if the day before the gala, he is called out of town unexpectedly to attend an important sales meeting? Should he send an assistant to take his place at the benefit?

Absolutely not, Miss Baldrige advises. Never send a substitute. It is the host's responsibility to find another guest or to eliminate the place setting. And never fail to let the host know you will not be coming - the empty seat “will look like a front tooth missing in someone's smile.”

Doing the “correct” thing in this and other touchy situations is not only polite, Miss Baldrige says - it is good business. “Good manners are cost-effective,” she maintains. “They play a major role in helping to generate sales and profits.”

Miss Baldrige is eminently qualified to hold forth on acquiring social savvy. For 37 years, she has been polishing the manners of diplomats, corporate big-wigs and budding entrepreneurs. A Vassar alumna, she served as an aide to the United States Ambassador at the American Embassies in Paris and Rome and as Jacqueline Kennedy's social secretary in the White House. Since forming her own public relations and marketing company three years ago, she has served as a consultant to 60 companies, including Hill & Knowlton, Christie's and Mark Cross.

“I've watched the little fish swimming around the big fish. I've seen the politicking that goes on,” she said. “I've found that people who are well-mannered and supportive of others tend to rise to the top.”

There is another school of thought, however, that dictates that niceties are extraneous in the competitive world of big business. Company officials who scale the corporate ladder, these doubters say, are often ill-mannered and occasionally downright rude.

To which the doyenne of the social graces responds: “For every rude executive who makes it to the top there are nine successful executives with good manners.” Following are exerpts from the book.




Riding to the Top on Good Manners 

Going Through Doors Our grandparents were taught that ladies should always walk through the door first. Not so in today's workplace. Common sense and efficiency dictate that whoever arrives at the door first, male or female, should hold it open for the others directly behind and keep it open until all have passed through. However, younger executives should still defer to very senior ones - by managing to get to the door fast, ahead of the others, to hold it open. And the executive the outside people have come to see should act as their host, including opening doors for them and motioning them to walk ahead.

Business and Small Talk

The more at ease you become in conversation, the better at small talk you become. It's a good way to survive common sticky social situations like being seated at dinner between two people whom you have never met, don't care about ever meeting again, and have absolutely nothing in common with except that you happen to work in the same company or industry as one of them.

The following are examples of topics suited to small talk: Landscape gardening, passing the bar exams, Princess Diana, Luciano Pavarotti, the use of hypnotism to stop smoking, robots doing housework, and how to write an on-target resume.

Screening Calls

The best advice one can give on screening calls is not to do it. When your secretary asks a caller, ''May I ask what this call is about?'' there is always disappointment and often hostility on the other end of the line. The caller feels as though he is deemed inadequate, unimportant, and unworthy of speaking directly to the person seated in splendor behind his executive desk. Jacket Etiquette

* A double-breasted jacket on a man or woman is meant to be left buttoned and not hang open.

* A man who often works without his jacket in an office should never wear short-sleeved shirts.

* If you are working without your jacket in the office and the big boss comes in, put on your jacket and keep it on for as long as he or she is present.

Designing the Business Card

The standard size of a business card is 3 1/2'' x 2'' or variations thereof. Cards may be made in unusual shapes to represent certain types of businesses. (I have seen clever cards in the shape of a hamburger, automobile, French poodle and typewriter.) If you have cards of this nature made for you, remember that what you gain in cleverness, you may lose in one respect: People cannot easily put an odd-shaped card in their wallets or card cases.

Going for Coffee

The “going for coffee syndrome” has been blown out of all proportion.

In my opinion, a secretary should use her precious energy to improve her position with the company in a constructive manner, not waste it fighting requests to serve coffee or tea. However, the boss should go fetch the coffee for everyone on the office staff from time to time, too, just to show that he or she shares responsibility for the comfort as well as the work of the staff. Congratulating Those You Know Well . . .Great news! You are climbing the ladder of success so fast that I'm dizzy looking up and trying to keep you in view. We're all celebrating for you. Congratulating Those You Don't Know Well . . .Your new position is certainly a recognition of your contributions to this company during the past few years. No one is more deserving of the promotion and the added responsibilities it brings. We all wish you great luck.

Place Cards

Elsa Maxwell, the late and internationally famous party-giver, once stated that ''the most certain route to chaos at a dinner party is not having place cards telling everyone where to go.''

A place card, either flat or folded, sits on top of the napkin, on the tablecloth, propped against a glass, or placed above the plate at the place setting.

Invitation to a Single Person

Some single people think it is perfectly all right to show up at a cocktail party with a date (or even with members of their family). If the place where the party is being given is small, the host may have had to pare down his or her guest list carefully. Your showing up with someone who was not invited can cause hostility in your beleaguered host's mind. Care of an Out-of-Town V.I.P. Here are some things to remember:

He (or she) should be met at the airport by someone of sufficiently high rank, such as a company vice-president.

The guest should be provided with a complete schedule of events for his stay.

The V.I.P. should be given a carefully annotated guest list for every meeting and every business and social event, so that the V.I.P. will be well-briefed on the cast of characters.

When Someone Is Put Down

If you hear a colleague being criticized unfairly - even in cocktail party chitchat -speak up. Defend the victim calmly, not aggressively; ''I don't think that's fair. I know him well and work with him every day. That's not the way I see him.'' Or, ''I really don't think you're giving the whole picture.'' Or, ''Why don't you make those accusations to his face, instead of behind his back?''— 
By Beth Sherman, New York Times, Oct. 13, 1985




Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Friday, April 23, 2021

1885 Carriage Etiquette in Virginia

1885 children’s and women’s summer fashions, suitable for visiting the beaches of Virginia — “A really high-bred Virginian never so far forgets etiquette as to inquire of a stranger where he was from, because the stranger might be forced to acknowledge that he was from some other state than Virginia, and it was only charity to spare him this mortifying admission.”



Boston Journal— Queer vestiges of old-time etiquette still linger in Virginia. It used to be, and in a measure is still, considered the height of rudeness for one person in driving to pass another person on the road. As a result, the slowest coach on the road could keep all the others behind it; time and distance were relatively of no importance. Even now the people apologize when they pass each other on the road.

It has also been alleged that a really high-bred Virginian never so far forgets etiquette as to inquire of a stranger where he was from, because the stranger might be forced to acknowledge that he was from some other state than Virginia, and it was only charity to spare him this mortifying admission. It is a hotly-disputed point, and has been for the last 200 years, whether a guest spending the night with his host should make the move to go to bed or whether the host should. —1885


Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Thursday, April 22, 2021

1880’s “Watering- Place” Etiquette

There is probably more than a kernel of truth in this bit of etiquette humor —And regardless of whether the resort is ranked first, second or third-class, anyone with a lick of common sense tries to avoid speaking to this guy! 


The Candelaria True Fissure, says: A gentleman just returned from a round of the watering places, gives this summary of the schedule of etiquette at such places; A first-class summer resort is one at which the cottagers will not speak to the hotel guests. A second-class resort is one at which the hotel guests will not speak to the cottagers. A third-class resort is one at which everybody tries to have a good time.— The Truckee Republican, 1883


Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Wednesday, April 21, 2021

Chinese Dining and Table Etiquette

“In sitting at a Chinese table, neither one’s body, nor his dress, must touch the table, and great strictness in regard to one’s position is enforced. It is not according to Chinese etiquette to look around when one is eating, nor to stare at one another.” — Depiction of 19th C. Chinese Scholars 


Ting Lang Ho, an educated Chinese man, writes as follows: “According to the teaching of Confucius, no conversation must be carried on at the table. This precept of Confucius, disagreeable though it may seem to many, prevents many embarrassments at table, namely, one’s being interrupted when he tries to speak at table. Chinese etiquette requires all to begin to eat at the same time, but each one before be begins to eat generally says, “Let us begin,” which is accompanied by a gesture of the chopsticks. In finishing one’s meal, the same gesture is used, but not the same words. He says to those who are still eating, “Do not be in haste.”

It is customary for the elders to help the younger to those dishes which he cannot reach, but in receiving, etiquette requires him or her to rise. In sitting at a Chinese table, neither one’s body, nor his dress, must touch the table, and great strictness in regard to one’s position is enforced. It is not according to Chinese etiquette to look around when one is eating, nor to stare at one another. Remarks made on the food and the smacking of one’s lips are (I’m sorry to say) allowable in Chinese etiquette.

The chopsticks, when one is not using them, must be placed on the table close together, sitting perpendicular to the spoon. According to Chinese etiquette, it is rude for one to finish too soon; one must try to keep together with the rest, though it is becoming for inferiors to finish a little before their superiors, but not a little too late. Reading of periodicals is strictly forbidden, but letters are allowed if they are very important. One very seldom asks for an excuse from table in China, but every one goes at the same time. — Jennie June, 1881



Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Tuesday, April 20, 2021

2 Classes of Visiting Cards in 1886

Washington’s unwritten laws of etiquette denoted two classes of visiting cards— “In all cases, a lady’s card is larger than a gentleman’s. Plain engraved cards indicate taste. Cards printed from movable type are not in good taste. Autograph or written cards are allowable among friends or on business.”



By the lex non scripta of Washington etiquette, visiting cards are grouped into two classes: 1. Cards of etiquette, used in official or social calls; 2. Cards of ceremony, applicable to invitations to official or social ceremonials. The styles of cards in use in official or social etiquette at the capital vary according to the tastes or whims of the season. 

In all cases, a lady’s card is larger than a gentleman’s. Plain engraved cards indicate taste. Cards printed from movable type are not in good taste. Autograph or written cards are allowable among friends or on business. A call not of ceremony upon the President admits the use of a written card—Boston Budget, 1886


Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Monday, April 19, 2021

Food and Etiquette in the Gilded Age

“A silver-plate cup on a pivotal base was designed with a spiral hook inside, on which an orange could be twisted and firmly held in place as it was rotated, and then eaten with a special knife and spoon. The objects in the show were selected to illustrate a range of styles from simple to ornate. One interesting thing about the exhibition was that it took an object and then showed how elaborate its presentation might have been. Sterling silver and cut glass were used by the upper class while items in pressed glass and silver-plate were used by the middle-class.”
— Photo source Etiquipedia private library 



A Glimpse of Victorian, Middle-Class Dining


In 1873, “The New Cyclopaedia of Domestic Economy and Practical Housekeeper,” a book “adapted to all classes of society,” recommended that a household's inventory of table linen should include three dozen napkins, two-and-a-half-dozen tablecloths of various sizes, six servants’ tablecloths, three dozen towels, six round towels, two dozen napkins “for fish, vegetables and fruit,” six pudding cloths, two dozen damask “d'oylies” and one dozen Berlin wool “d'oylies.”

The list of household necessities was part of “Savory Suppers and Fashionable Feasts: Dining in Victorian America, 1850 to 1900,” an exhibition that was held at the Hudson River museum in 1988, that offered a view of middle-class dining during the second half of the 19th century.

“By the 1850s, the middle-class was rising in numbers, wealth and power and with that came a whole new birth of people with the ability to entertain and to buy more elaborate things,” said Robert Workman, then the curator of 19th century art at the Hudson River Museum. The exhibition showed the whole process of eating and the kind of objects that were used to point out the elaborateness of the ritual.

The exhibition of more than 200 items covered a variety of themes beginning with the rules of etiquette, its importance to the middle-class and how, in response to these rules, different objects for dining and serving evolved. “The Correct Thing in Good Society” an etiquette book published in Boston in 1888, states for example, that “It is the Correct Thing” to “place miniature, ornamental pepper pots, usually of silver, at the four corners of the table, or at each place. While it is not the Correct Thing to place a plate of bread on the table for dinner.”

“Etiquette was very important to middle-class America as a way of anchoring themselves in middle-class society. They needed codes of behavior to know how to behave in all social situations and etiquette provided a sort of reassuring framework.” according to Susan Williams, then curator of Household Accessories and Tablewares at the Strong Museum.

“The impact of new technologies-such as in food processing, meatpacking, refrigeration and rapid transportation-and their relation to food, menu planning and serving implements was also explored. As more foods became available, their status was often reflected by the utensils designed for their service and display. If you look at the implements, you can make some assumptions about the value people placed on certain types of foods.

A blown and engraved footed glass vase for serving celery for example, and a glass and silverplate sardine box and sterling silver sardine server decorated with fish motives, gives an indication of the regard held for foods now common place, that were once considered rare and unique. “When celery was a high status food, it was displayed high on the table; as it became widely available, it was relegated to low, flat dishes.” Ms. Williams said.

Similarly, a silver-plate cup on a pivotal base was designed with a spiral hook inside, on which an orange could be twisted and firmly held in place as it was rotated, and then eaten with a special knife and spoon. The objects in the show were selected to illustrate a range of styles from simple to ornate. One interesting thing about the exhibition was that it took an object and then showed how elaborate its presentation might have been. Sterling silver and cut glass were used by the upper class while items in pressed glass and silver-plate were used by the middle-class.  — Portions of this are from an article published in the New York Times, April 3, 1988



Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Proper Tablecloth Overhang Length

When measuring the table for a cloth and overhang from ten to fifteen inches on all sides must be allowed for. On a large banquet table, for a really luxurious effect, the cloth should hang over as far as conveniently possible.




The term “table linen” is applied to any fabric or material used for a cloth or placemats for the dining table, and to the accompanying napkins. While china, flatware, and glass are bought and correlated with the idea that they will be used for many years and perhaps, with nominal care, will last a lifetime and more, linen is one of the elements of the table that allows for the greatest number of changes. In china, flatware, and glass, the best advice anyone can give you is, “buy the finest you can afford”; linen can be extremely expensive, but it need not be – there is less convention nowadays and more ingenuity, imagination, and personal taste.

The shape of the tablecloth should, of a necessity, conform to the shape of the dining table, whether it is square, oblong, round, or oval. The oblong or rectangular table has been the most popular for many years, but there is a modern trend toward round tables that open up to an oval shape for extra seating. When measuring the table for a cloth and overhang from ten to fifteen inches on all sides must be allowed for. On a large banquet table, for a really luxurious effect, the cloth should hang over as far as conveniently possible. — Patricia Easterbrook Roberts, 1960



Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Serving Etiquette in 1996 Tableware


Was this “zany etiquette?” The New York Times thought so in 1996, even though the United States, along with other parts of the world, was seeing a tremendous resurgence of etiquette books and etiquette schools.


Zany Etiquette in the Gravy

New York Times, 1966


“YOU get the feeling Jane Timberlake was told as a child to sit up straight one time too many. The San Francisco product designer is offering a tabletop collection called ‘Wild Mannered,’ consisting of napkins and chunky plates decorated with dozens of hopelessly demanding, but funny, etiquette dictums, which make you want to leave your elbows on the table or eat salad with the dinner fork. Dishes and linens are sold individually or in five-piece place settings at Mxyplyzyk, 125 Greenwich Avenue (at 13th Street) or the Guggenheim Museum Store.” — New York Times, 1996


Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia




Tea Etiquette and Use in Early America

 The bitter concoction that New Englanders made with tea was enough to discourage anyone from adopting it. Few knew how to prepare it. Most often they boiled the leaves much too long, and then, after drinking the liquid, they salted the leaves and ate them with butter, as had been done in England in the 1650s. — Pictured above is grouping of Georgian and Regency Era tea equipage, including a rare mote spoon. 
—Photo source, Etiquipedia private library
 



“Tea was first brought to America in the late 17th century. At that time cider, ale, and wine were the favorite table drinks, and the bitter concoction that New Englanders made with tea was enough to discourage anyone from adopting it. Few knew how to prepare it. Most often they boiled the leaves much too long, and then, after drinking the liquid, they salted the leaves and ate them with butter, as had been done in England in the 1650s. After New Amsterdam passed into the hands of the English and became New York, it took on English customs, and tea, though still expensive, became more popular.

“At fashionable dinner parties, the ladies withdrew after the meal was finished, and were rejoined later by the gentleman in the parlor. Dessert in the form of fruit, biscuits, or cakes, was then served with tea. Tea was also taken privately in the morning and socially in the afternoon, following the English custom. In the homes of professional men, tea was served with their earlier family supper. And so drinking tea went hand-in-hand with the development of the private and social life of the 18th century. Acquiring the proper equipage and the etiquette for serving tea was the ambition of every housewife with social obligations. And even the very young used dolls’ tea sets in the very serious world of make-believe.” — Patricia Easterbrook Roberts, 1960


Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Thursday, April 15, 2021

Gilded Age Dinner Lengths

Napoleon III insisted on meals which were 3/4 of an hours’ long. Too short for Gilded Age society, according to Ward McAllister. — Nathan Lane as Ward McAllister in HBO’s “The Gilded Age”

As to the length of a good dinner, Napoleon III insisted on being served in 3/4 of an hour. As usual, here we run from one extreme to another. One of our most fashionable women boasted to me that she had dined out the day before, and the time consumed from the hour she left her house, until her return home, was but one hour and forty minutes. This is absurd.

A lover of the fleshpots of Egypt grumbled to me that his plate was snatched away from him by the servant before he could get half through the appetizing morsel on it. This state of things has been brought about by stately, handsome dinners, spun out to to great links. One hour and a half at the table is long enough.— Ward McAllister, 1890



Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Wednesday, April 14, 2021

Gilded Age Etiquette of Seating at Table

“Society as I have found it,” the 1890 book by social arbiter, Ward McAllister, detailing the doings of Post Civil War society and Gilded Age society, in the United States and abroad.




The Boston fashion adopted here for years, of one’s finding, on entering the house in which he was to dine, a small envelope on a silver salver in which was enclosed a card bearing on it the name of the lady assigned to him to take him to dinner, though still in use, is, however, going out of fashion. We are returning to the old habit of assigning the guests in the drawing-room.


In going to dinner, there is but one rule to be observed. The lady of the house in almost every case goes in last, all her guests proceeding her, with this exception, that if the President of the United States dines with you, or Royalty, he takes in the lady of the house, preceding all of the guests. When no ladies are present, the house should ask the most distinguished guest, or the person to whom the dinner is given, to lead the way into dinner, and he should follow all the guests. The cards on the plates indicate his place to each one. By gesture alone, the host directs his guests to the dining room, saying aloud to the most distinguished guest, “Will you kindly take the seat on my right?”


The placing of your guests at table requires an intimate knowledge of society. It is only by constant association that you can know who are congenial. If you were assigned one you are indifferent to, your only hope lies in your next neighbor; and with this hope and fear you enter the dining room, not knowing who that will be. At the table conversation should be crisp; it is in bad taste to absorb it all. Macauley, at a dinner, would so monopolize it, that the great wit, Sydney Smith, said he did not distinguish between monologue and dialogue.— Ward McAllister, 1890



Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia