Wooing Etiquette Smoking a Pipe

Another 2nd Debut Article, from 2016

The pipe was considered as a matrimonial embassador, has at least this to recommend it— that it may be relied upon to commit no breach of confidence if its mission proves successful. – 

“Tatars” is an umbrella term for different Turkic ethnic groups bearing the name Tatar. They were formerly known as “Tartars”and could be found across all of Eastern Europe and parts of Asia.

Tobacco as a Matchmaker 

All the nervousness, embarrassment and febrile excitement attendant upon “popping the question” in highly civilized countries are avoided by the young men of the Tchultau Tatar variety desirous to marry, whose simple and discreet custom it is to ascertain their chances of successor failure in matrimonial enterprise by the following proceeding: 

The Tchulian Calebs in search of a wife, having filled a brand new pipe with fragrant tobacco, stealthily enters the dwelling of the fair one upon whom he has bestowed his affections, deposits the pipe upon a conspicuous article of furniture, and retires on tiptoe to some convenient hiding place in the neighborhood. Local etiquette requires that he should execute this strategic movement apparently undetected by the damsel of his choice or any member of her family. 

Presently he returns without further affectation of secrecy, and looks into the apartment in a casual sort of way. A single glance at the pipe he left behind him enables him to learn the fate of his proposal. If it has been smoked, he goes forth, an accepted and exulted bridegroom; if not, the offer of his hand and heart has been irrevocably rejected as not even worth a puff of tobacco. 

By this ingenious expedient, the pain and humiliation of verbal refusal and fruitless pleadings are spared to luckless wooers, and Tatar maidens are saved from importunities justly regarded as peculiarly trying to female sensibility. The pipe, considered as a matrimonial embassador, has at least this to recommend it— that it may be relied upon to commit no breach of confidence if its mission proves successful. – 1881

 Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Old Albanian Marriage Etiquette

When a damsel arrives at marriageble age, her parents publish the fact among their friends and acquaintances. Should no suitor come forward, it rests with her brothers to find one. A brother thus circumstanced will sometimes come up to a male friend in the street and make the complimentary proposal then and there. “You are just the man I wanted to see.”— thus goes the abrupt formula on these occasions— “my sister is now fourteen years old ; you must marry her.” – Photo Pinterest

Albanian marriage arrangements are very peculiar. When a damsel arrives at marriageble age, her parents publish the fact among their friends and acquaintances. Should no suitor come forward, it rests with her brothers to find one. A brother thus circumstanced will sometimes come up to a male friend in the street and make the complimentary proposal then and there. “You are just the man I wanted to see.”— thus goes the abrupt formula on these occasions— “my sister is now fourteen years old ; you must marry her.” As etiquette forbids a plump refusal, the gentleman thus honored, gives a sort of half acquiescence, and then hurries off to instruct some old lady to act as go-between. 

Should he be satisfied with the report made, after duo inquiry, by this adviser, the wedding is arranged, but not until the very last moment is the expectant bridegroom allowed to see his future spouse, and then it would be contrary to the prescriptions of society for him to draw back, however unprepossessing she might prove to be. After the performance of the ceremony, a very curious piece of etiquette comes into play. Among Asiatic people generally, it is the rule for the bride-elect to feign coyness, but among the Arnauts, the bridegroom has to make this pretense. After the marriage feast is over, and the newly-made wife has withdrawn, her husband lingers behind, and not until he has been subjected to a variety of rough usage by her relatives, are the prescriptions of etiquette considered to be sufficiently complied with, to admit of his following the lady. – Sacramento Daily Union, 1880

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Engagement Season

The Christmas holidays, they say, full of gaiety and high spirits (I allude to those of nature’s providing are apt to lead to engagements; hasty manners, perhaps, but none the less agreeable.) Spring, of course, has always been considered a happy time for lovers’ boughs budding with green fire, the livelier iris of the dove, and all the rest of it July, August and early September are languid...

“Anne Gives Advice on Etiquette”

“Can you tell us,” writes a firm which shall be nameless, “if there are any special seasons of the year, in which people become engaged? We should appreciate what information you have on the subject.“ – "A. B. & C."


At first sight, this appeared as impossible an etiquette question to answer as any I ever received and I've received some difficult ones! It seemed to me that Pan, Cupid, Propinquity, Chance, any of the higher powers or the natural forces that govern humanity, might better be consulted. I thought of Tennyson’s pleasant line “In the Spring, a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love,” but nothing else occurred to me. However, I dined with a newly married nephew that evening, and I thought I would confide my problem to him. “I can tell you that,” he replied with the fine readiness of youth. “The Christmas holiday, the early spring, also the months of July, August and half of September.” 

I have talked to other young men since. The Christmas holidays, they say, full of gaiety and high spirits (I allude to those of nature’s providing are apt to lead to engagements; hasty manners, perhaps, but none the less agreeable.) Spring, of course, has always been considered a happy time for lovers’ boughs budding with green fire, the livelier iris of the dove, and all the rest of it July, August and early September are languid, white moon months, very wisely devoted to the selection of a companion in sentiment who may before one knows it, become a companion for life, or part of it, at any rate. This leaves autumn and later winter as the only periods to be devoted to book learning or business. Will any man give me more ideas on this subject? –By Anne Singleton, 1931 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette, Engagement Traditions

We usually find that a young lady's spinster friends are partial to the custom; they seem to find particular enjoyment in presenting her with dainty tea-cups, either separately or in sets.

There is an old tradition regarding the giving of tea-cups as an engagement present. A lover, who was obliged to go away on an extended sea journey, gave to his betrothed a delicate china cup, asking her to drink tea from it every afternoon. He said, "If I am unfaithful, the cup will fill to overbrimming and the tea pouring over the sides will crack the thin china. Then you will know I have broken faith."

The custom has been brought down to us, and now we find that the giving of a tea-cup or a tea-set as an engagement present signifies faithfulness—and it may mean faithfulness to friendship or love as the case may be. We usually find that a young lady's spinster friends are partial to the custom; they seem to find particular enjoyment in presenting her with dainty tea-cups, either separately or in sets. — Lillian Eichler, 1921

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Pipes and Proposal Etiquette

The pipe, considered as a matrimonial embassador, has at least this to recommend it— that it may be relied upon to commit no breach of confidence if its mission proves successful.

                 
               Tobacco as a Matchmaker


All the nervousness, embarrassment and febrile excitement attendant upon "popping the question" in highly civilized countries are avoided by the young men of the Tchultau Tatar variety desirous to marry, whose simple and discreet custom it is to ascertain their chances of successor failure in matrimonial enterprise by the following proceeding: The Tchulian Calebs in search of a wife, having filled a brand new pipe with fragrant tobacco, stealthily enters the dwelling of the fair one upon whom he has bestowed his affections, deposits the pipe upon a conspicuous article of furniture, and retires on tiptoe to some convenient hiding place in the neighborhood. 

Local etiquette requires that he should execute this strategic movement apparently undetected by the damsel of his choice or any member of her family. Presently he returns without further affectation of secrecy, and looks into the apartment in a casual sort of way. A single glance at the pipe he left behind him enables him to learn the fate of his proposal. If it has been smoked, he goes forth, an accepted and exulted bridegroom; if not, the offer of his hand and heart has been irrevocably rejected as not even worth a puff of tobacco. 

By this ingenious expedient, the pain and humiliation of verbal refusal and fruitless pleadings are spared to luckless wooers, and Tatar maidens are saved from importunities justly regarded as peculiarly trying to female sensibility. The pipe, considered as a matrimonial embassador, has at least this to recommend it— that it may be relied upon to commit no breach of confidence if its mission proves successful. – 1881

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia