Morals, Manners and Kindness

“Civility,” said Lady Montagu, “costs nothing and buys everything.” The cheapest of all things in kindness, its exercise requiring the least possible trouble and self-sacrifice.

Morals and manners, which give color to life, are of much greater importance than laws, which are but their manifestations. The law touches us here and there, but manners are about us everywhere, pervading society like the air we breathe. Good manners, as we call them, are neither more, nor less, than good behavior; consisting of courtesy and kindness, benevolence being the preponderating element in all kinds of mutually beneficial and pleasant intercourse among human beings. 

“Civility,” said Lady Montagu, “costs nothing and buys everything.” The cheapest of all things in kindness, its exercise requiring the least possible trouble and self-sacrifice. “Win hearts,” said Burleigh to Queen Elizabeth, “and you have all men’s hearts and purses.” If we would only let nature act kindly, free from affectation and artifice, the results on social good humor and happiness would be incalculable.— Colusa Daily Sun, 1920

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette, Social Graces and Locality

The sloppy woman, hunched over with her elbows on the table is obviously unaware how bad she looks. The woman on the right will need tact to break herself from the acquaintance.  – “It has sometimes happened that undesirable residents have invaded good neighborhoods—it requires time to make discoveries of that nature —and kind-hearted women are frequently led into an embarrassing intimacy. It must be broken, of course, but the woman passes through the experience successfully must be a woman of tact.”

More of “Betty Bradeen’s Daily Chat”

Etiquette is largely a matter of locality—politeness is an important department of everyday life. Among “fashionables” etiquette is a finicky list ot details for which girls are trained, and to which new members of the fashionable set come straight from the polishing hands of persons who are versed in the ways of that particular set. In middle-class localities there is a varying degree of etiquette, and in lower circles formality is entirely dispensed with. 

Kindness prompts one to call upon new arrivals in a neighborhood and if the call is not returned, or objections are found to prolonging the acquaintance, the matter may be allowed to settle down to a pleasant exchange of greetings at accidental meetings. The cut direct is a form of rudeness that is never excused, save on the ground of personal grievance. It costs nothing to be agreeable, and saves much in the way of unpleasant, feeling. 

It has sometimes happened that undesirable residents have invaded good neighborhoods—it requires time to make discoveries of that nature —and kind-hearted women are frequently led into an embarrassing intimacy. It must be broken, of course, but the woman passes through the experience successfully must be a woman of tact. I have seen it done by absence from home or a period of exaggerated invalidism—I have also seen it done without a thought of injured feelings and the hatred they are capable of engendering. Kindness prompts assistance to neighbors and friends in time of trouble. A timely answer to letters, prompt acceptance of invitations and immediate notification of inability to accent or keep an engagement. The hostess who is kept on the anxious seat without good reason is badly treated, and would be justified in meting out proper punishment. 

There is one point where general carelessness is shown – few of us even try to be prompt in meeting appointments. In the lobby of any playhouse, one may always find men and women anxiously awaiting the arrival of tardy companions, and my own experience holds numerous occasions where the opening number of concerts was entirely lost and the first act of plays so nearly, so that the thread of the plot was hard to pick up. There may be an occasional good reason for tardiness, but the bulk of it is caused by sheer carelessness or indifference. Men are the real victims, because women who are lax expect to find the same fault in members of their own sex – but men are martyrs from choice, as a systematic course of neglect would reform the whole world of women. – Sacramento Union, 1912

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of True Ladies and Gents

The perfect lady is not the ornamental butterfly of society, as so many would have us believe. She does some useful work, no matter what it is. The perfect gentleman knows the manners of good society and he does not hesitate to use them.

The True Lady and Gentleman

It is not enough to be wealthy. It is not enough to be widely famed. But if one is well-mannered, if one knows how to conduct oneself with poise, grace and self-confidence, one will win respect and honor no matter where one chances to be.

There are very few men indeed who do not value good manners. They may ridicule them, they may despise them—but deep down in their hearts they know that good manners have a certain charm, a certain power, that wealth and fame together do not possess. They know that right in their own business spheres there are men who owe their success and position to the appearance that they make, to the manner in which they conduct themselves. And they know that there are beautiful women who are coldly repellent; while some plain women win the hearts of everyone with whom they come in contact, merely by the charm of their manners.

The perfect gentleman is not the dude, the over-dressed "dandy" who disdains the workingman in his patched clothes and who sniffs contemptuously at the word "work." The true gentleman is kindly, courageous, civil. He is kind to everyone—to the tottering old man he helps across the street, and to the mischievous young rascal who throws a ball through his window. He does not know what it is to become angry, to lose control of his temper, to speak discourteously. He never shows that he is embarrassed or ill at ease. He is as calm and unconcerned in the presence of a world-wide celebrity as he is when he is with his most intimate friend. Nor is he ever bitter, haughty or arrogant. And he is as far from being effeminate as he is from being coarse and brutal. In short, he knows the manners of good society and he does not hesitate to use them.

The perfect lady is not the ornamental butterfly of society, as so many would have us believe. She is gentle, and well-dressed and graceful—not merely ornamental. She does some useful work, no matter what it is. She is patient always, and generous. She never speaks harshly to tradespeople or to servants; gentleness and reserve are the very keynotes of her manner. She is never haughty, never superior. She is kind and courteous to everyone, and she conducts herself with the calm, unassuming grace that instinctively wins a responsive respect. In her manner towards men she is reserved, modest. But she is self-reliant and not afraid to assert herself. Her speech and manner are characterized always by dignity, repose and self-confidence.” — From Lillian Eichler's 1921, "Book of Etiquette, Volume I"

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia