Wedding Guest Etiquette Quiz

Take this quiz from Bride's Magazine and see if you're up to the wedding season ahead! 

Do you know how to be the perfect guest?

If the first sign of spring is the crocus, the second is just as surely the wedding invitation. Now is the time of year when any day is likely to bring an elegant envelope tucked in with your electric bill, supermarket circular and favorite magazine subscription. So it's a good time to ask: How's your guest etiquette? 

True or False: 

1. Verbal acceptance of a wedding invitation is okay. 
2. You don't have to send a gift if you don't go to the wedding. 
3. You should bring the wedding present to the reception. 
4. If you're dating someone, it's all right to bring him or her to the wedding. 
5. A female guest shouldn't wear all-black or all-white. 
6. The last person to be seated in church is the mother of the bride. 
7. On the receiving line, you “congratulate” the groom, offer “best wishes” to the bride. 
8. You shouldn't leave the reception before the newlyweds do. 

Answers: 

1. F– Unless it's a very informal invitation. A formal, engraved invitation should be answered with a brief, handwritten note on a double sheet of fine white note paper. If a response card is provided, use that. 
2. T–  If you're close to the couple, you'll probably want to send a gift, but it's not required. 
3. F – Except if the gift is a check. Then you can bring it to the wedding and give it to the couple personally. (Make it out to Mr. and Mrs.) Otherwise, send the gift to the bride at her home as soon as possible after you receive the invitation. A check sent before the wedding is made out to the bride.
4. F – An invitation is only for those specifically mentioned. Unless it reads “and guest” or “and family,” they only want you. 
5. T – Although the rules are bending somewhat on this, especially since black is so fashionable now. In general, judge what you should wear by the formality of the invitation. You can rarely go wrong m a suit and tie, for a man, and a street-length dressy party or cocktail dress, for a woman. 
6. T – This is the signal that the ceremony is about to begin, so if you arrive later, stand unobtrusively at the back unless the ushers direct otherwise. It's best to try to arrive at least 10-15 minutes early. 
7. T – You could cause offense if you reverse them. Other tips for negotiating the receiving line: Introduce yourself to anyone who isn't certain to know you. (Remember, the whole wedding party is in a bit of a daze by now.) Say something brief and pleasant to parents and other family members. 
8. T – Although this was truer in the days when the bride and groom always left the reception early, in a shower of rice, to go directly on their honeymoon. These days, some newlyweds stay right until the end of the party, so an alternate rule might be: Don't leave until the cake has been cut and served. Remember to thank the wedding's hostess (usually the bride's mother) when you do go. – Bride’s Magazine, 1984

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Mid-20th C. Etiquette Advice

Question... Due to the fact that I was working during the day and very busy at night getting our new home in order, I was unable to acknowledge all of our wedding gifts. Is it all right to write "thank you” notes now, six months after the wedding? 

Mid-20th Century “Modern Etiquette”

By Advice Columnist, Roberta Lee

From 1941

Q. When a bride is to be married in a traveling suit, what should the bridegroom wear?
A: A business suit.

Q. What is the best way to ask a girl for a dance?
A. "May I have the next dance?"

Q: May one use a lead pencil for writing a social or business letter
A. Not unless one is ill and writing the letter in bed.

From 1951

Q. Is it considered good manners to supply a word which seems to elude another person who is speaking? 

A. It is perhaps a friendly service if the speaker is a foreigner—but it most certainly should never be done with a countryman. 

Q. When a woman has been introduced to you as “Alice Young,” how do you know whether to address her as Mrs. Young or Miss Young? 

A. The only thing to do is to ask her, unless there is someone else nearby whom you can ask.

From 1953

Q. Is it all right for a hostess to mail invitations to a cocktail party on her calling cards? 

A. Yes; on the lower lefthand side, opposite the address may be written: "Saturday, July eighteenth, Cocktails at five o’clock." 

Q. Is it bad manners to eat candy or popcorn in a theater? 

A. Society used to frown upon this practice. However, today’s motion picture theater is just about as much in the popcorn and candy business as in its presentation of films, and the practice is now condoned. Eat as noiselessly and unobtrusively as possible. 

Q. When one is to have a small wedding in the minister's home, is it all right to send out wedding announcements? 
A. Yes.

From 1955

Q. Should the hostess lead the way to the table at a luncheon, or usher her guests into the room and then follow them? 

A. The hostess should lead the way, and then designate the proper seating arrangement. 

Q. Is it proper to write an anonymous letter of protest or criticism to a newspaper or to a columnist. 

A. This is not only considered ill-bred, but it is a cowardly thing to do. One should always have enough courage in one’s convictions to sign the letter. 

Q. Is it proper for a married woman to send a gift in her name only to a bride? A. No; she should always include her husband’s name. 

Q. What kind of decoration should be used for the breakfast party table? 

A. A bowl of fruit is customary, although flowers may be used too. 

Q. Is it now considered good manners to use a toothpick at the table? Lately I have seen this done by people of apparent refinement. 

A. The rules remain unchanged. Toothpicks should never be seen in use, at the table or anywhere else. 

Q. In what manner should friends be invited to a christening? 

A. By telephone or informal note.

From 1956

Q. Where do the relatives of the deceased sit during the funeral service at the church? 

A. The relatives occupy the front pews on the right of the center aisle. 

Q. When one’s partner has unwittingly given information about his hand during the progress of a bridge game, what should one do? 
A. Disregard it. Under no circumstances should one take advantage of such information, as this would not onty be bad manners, but poor sportsmanship. 

Q. Due to the fact that I was working during the day and very busy at night getting our new home in order, I was unable to acknowledge all of our wedding gifts. Is it all right to write "thank you” notes now, six months after the wedding? 

A. Thanks at this time are better than no thanks at all. And it would be nice to state the reason for the delay. —From The Madera Tribune

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for the Victorian or Edwardian Bride and Groom

No sensible woman will set a standard of expenditure too high for her future income, in what she buys for her wedding wardrobe. The only circumstances in which she should exceed the modest sum of her usual outlay... The Bride of 1902

Preparation for a Wedding

The preparation which the bridegroom makes for the new home, is, of course, by far the larger share of its establishment. He provides the home, furnishes it with everything but the linen, which the bride will bring, and the ornamental decorations, including silver for the table, which the wedding guests may, in these days of lavish presents, be expected to furnish. 

Even if he does not choose to set up a house-home at once, the provision for the future is all his, and he has to bring to the wedding the wherewithal to make a home, whether it be in household furniture or only the certificates of wealth with which to provide for the bride. This is a matter of pride with even the poorest lover, with all save that small class of men who, either from the most worldly of motives or, in the very opposite extreme, from motives so high that they will not permit personal pride to stand in the way of the real union of hearts, submit to the indignity of becoming pensioners rather than donors. Whatever the custom for the division of responsibility in regard to the home and the future, in actual life, in every true home responsibility is equal, and convenience alone decrees what the bride and the bridegroom shall each contribute to the common hoard.

The bridegroom also provides a part of the wedding, and although his share is minimized, yet it is often a costly and important part. He should provide the flowers which the bride and her attendants carry. The bride usually chooses her flowers, which are ordinarily white roses, lilies of the valley, or fragrant white flowers of her favorite kind. Besides providing the wedding ring, the bridegroom usually presents to the bride some gift. It is perhaps the deed of the house he has bought and furnished for her. Or it may be jewelry, or anything else that she desires and that he may have it in his power to bestow. The bride makes him no special gift other than her hand, as that is her supreme gift.

The personal provision of the bridegroom sometimes consists of a new wardrobe throughout, besides his wedding suit. If he is wise he will wear his new suits somewhat before he appears in them as newly married. His wedding suit will consist of evening dress, if he is to be married in the evening, complete with white gloves and tie, and boutonnière of the same flowers as the bride's bouquet. If married in the afternoon, or any time before six o'clock, he will wear a frock coat of black, white vest, gray trousers, and white tie and gloves. In case the wedding is in the evening and the bride is to wear her traveling dress, hat, and gloves, the bridegroom may wear the same suit as for an afternoon wedding, if he chooses.

The custom of having a new wardrobe throughout is not necessarily followed, of course. It is through the bridegroom's consideration for the bride, and his appreciation of the housewifely duties which she undertakes on his behalf, that he makes those as small as possible at first, knowing that the years will bring her her full share. The bride's wedding wardrobe is made a matter of special moment, because it is for the last time that she is outfitted by her father. Therefore, he wishes to give her all that she needs for some time to come, that she may grow used to reliance upon her husband before he has to undertake the burden of her personal expenses in the matter of clothes. The outlay, however, is limited in quantity to the probable needs of the first season of married life, if the bride is wise, as there is no wisdom in having more garments than can be worn to advantage before the style changes.

No sensible woman will set a standard of expenditure too high for her future income, in what she buys for her wedding wardrobe. The only circumstances in which she should exceed the modest sum of her usual outlay, beyond the fact that she needs more and special garments for the different social occasions, and has a pride in having them as nice as possible, are those in which she marries a man of much higher social station and much larger income than her own. In that case it may be well for her to put some of her savings for the future into the gowns which she knows will be necessary for her in her new station. 

Ball and dinner dress fashions from 1910

The special gowns necessary for a bride are: 

Her wedding gown, which is of pure white if a maiden, or pearl gray or some other delicate color if a widow, the wedding veil, the traveling suit, a reception gown, a church suit, a somewhat elaborate visiting suit, a plain street suit, house dresses, a dainty wrapper, and a new outfitting of underclothing, in number and quality to suit her usual custom, or as nice as she can afford.

For the bride whose purse is not overfull the number of gowns and suits can be materially diminished; the wedding gown, with some slight changes, such as the removal of the high collar and long sleeves, can be used as an evening dress; the traveling, church, and visiting suit may be one and the same; the house dresses may be reduced to a minimum by frequent washing. That one cannot provide an elaborate wardrobe with which to begin married life should not be a barrier to a marriage which in every other respect appears to be auspicious.

For the October Bride

The bride's trousseau proper, or that store of linen which she provides for her new home, should consist of approximately the following:

For every bed three pairs of sheets, three pairs of pillow cases, three bolster cases, one or two pairs of blankets, two counterpanes, and an extra quilt. For her bedrooms she should provide table, stand, and bureau covers, as the style of the furniture may suggest, and also such covers for couch pillows or armchairs as a thrifty housewife would desire for the sake of cleanliness. For the bath-room there should be three dozen towels, a half-dozen bath towels. Towels for the maid should  also be included. 

For the dining-room, four tablecloths and two dozen napkins for common use, with two finer tablecloths and two dozen napkins for special occasions, make ample provision for the average home. There should be doilies and tray cloths, covers for the sideboard, also mats and centerpieces for the table. For the kitchen, three dozen cloth towels for dishes, hand towels, cleaning cloths, holders, and every necessary sort of towel in abundance. With the increasing use of the paper towel, much of this provision for bath-room and kitchen may be dispensed with, as the paper towel is much neater and more economical.

The wedding gown, which is of white satin or silk, and usually as rich and elegant as the bride can afford, is always cut high in the neck and with long sleeves, or, if elbow sleeves, they are supplemented by long gloves, which are not removed even at the wedding breakfast. The custom is to wear white exclusively from veil to shoes. Whether or not the veil is worn, a hat is never provided for this gown. It is customary, in case a bride is married in her traveling suit, for her to wear the hat and gloves which go with it. At a home wedding, however, this rule is not usually adhered to, unless the couple leave at once. The bridal veil and orange blossoms are worn only at the first marriage of a woman, and usually only with a gown made with a train.

The bridegroom should acquaint himself with the rules and regulations in regard to the marriage license some weeks ahead of the date set for the wedding, if possible, as the rules vary in different states, and in some a period of residence or notification is necessary.  A marriage certificate, furnishing easily available knowledge of the legality of the marriage and its date, is often of great convenience in the disposition of property, the probating of wills, and in the settlement of numerous questions which might arise in minor matters. This should be provided before the ceremony, filled out and signed immediately after it by the officiating clergyman, and signed by several witnesses.

The wedding ring is, by long established custom, a plain gold band. It should be of the best gold, and the fashion now is for it to be moderately narrow and thin rather than wide and thick. The ring, the unbroken circle, is symbolic of eternity. The bridegroom gives it into the keeping of the best man, whose duty it is to hand it promptly to him at the proper moment of the ceremony. The initials and date are engraved upon the inner surface of the ring. When wider rings were worn some appropriate sentiment was also often engraved. Once placed upon the bride's finger, it is her pride to see that it is never removed. As Mrs. Sangster feelings says, "It is a badge of honor, and, worn on any  woman's hand, a symbol of her right to belong to the ranks of worthy matrons."

It is well to rehearse the movements of the bridal procession within a day or two of the ceremony, that there may be no flaw in the conduct of the actors in this dramatic bit of realism. If it is to be a church wedding, more than one rehearsal may be required. In that case the organist should be present, as well as every member of the bridal party, except the clergyman. The opening of the church for such rehearsal is included in the fee which the sexton receives, which ranges from ten to fifty dollars.

Usually refreshments, in the form of either a dinner or supper, follow the rehearsal, the bride entertaining at her home. If the Episcopal service is to be used, or any other service in which the bride and bridegroom kneel, cushions for their use should be provided. These are usually covered in white satin, with outer covers of very sheer lawn upon which the initials may be worked.

The floral decorations of the church or home should be subordinated to the main interest; that is, they should not be too elaborate, take up too much room, or do other than furnish a fitting background for the bridal couple. The decorations usually follow some definite color scheme, although simply the white flowers with green foliage are appropriate and symbolic for a church wedding. A few palms, simple bouquets of flowers arranged naturally and gracefully, with foliage to contrast and fill the corners, will decorate an altar or make a pleasant bower. When costliness rather than beauty is the effect of flowers, the display is vulgar.
 

An awning should be stretched from the house or church door to the sidewalk, so that the guests and bridal party may not be subjected to the gaze of curious passers-by as they leave the carriages. An attendant should be stationed at the sidewalk to open the doors of the carriages, and to give to the coachmen and guests numbers by which their carriages may be speedily called. While the provision of the carriages belongs with all other things to the bride's family, the carriages for the bridegroom and his family are provided by them.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia