Dealing with Small Grossnesses

While it was nice of Jared to turn his head and avoid spraying the sampler, he still made two glaring mistakes.

Fingers vs. Forks with Shared Plates of Food

“Let's share an appetizer sampler,” you suggest. Your friends all agree enthusiastically, and soon a large plate of fried calamari, zucchini slices, and other delicious hors d'oeuvres arrives. You start to reach for a piece of calamari when, directly to your right, Jared suddenly turns away from the table and sneezes. He quickly wipes off his nose and hands, and then grabs a calamari with his fingers. You suddenly lose your appetite for good reason. While it was nice of Jared to turn his head and avoid spraying the sampler, he still made two glaring mistakes. First, he failed to excuse himself from the table to wash his hands after sneezing. Second, he used his hands to take items from the sampler plate.

Then you I realize, “I was about to take a calamari with my fingers, too— and nobody saw me picking my nose a few minutes ago.”

You resolve, from now on, to start using a fork or serving utensil whenever you're eating from a shared plate. Score another victory for consideration-based etiquette!

Double Dipping

You're hosting a party, and you decide to make a special effort by serving a big platter of shrimp along with a bowl of cocktail sauce. Everyone gathers around for the feast. The procedure is simple: grab a shrimp, dip it in the sauce, and enjoy.

Then it happens: across from you Dainty Debbie takes a bite and then, to your horror, dips the uneaten portion back into the sauce bowl so she can have a little sauce with her next bite. Several other guests look at you silently speculate: “What's he going to do?” and “Let me see if I can freshen up this plate,” you say to no one in particular. You pick up the platter and go to the kitchen, where you spoon out the area where Debbie double dipped or, better yet, replace the sauce with some you still have left because you were smart enough to buy extra.

P.S. Don't even think about giving the sauce a quick stir. While this may seem to be the easy solution, it’s worse than Debbie’s double dipping.

If you really want to take the bull by the horns, ask Debbie if she can help you in taking the platter out. When you and Debbie get to the kitchen, ask her politely to please not double dip, and explain that by doing so she’s making the shrimp unappetizing for some of the other guests: “Debbie, I'm sure you didn't even know you were doing this, but...” The key is to do this quietly and privately.— From, “Essential Manners for Men,” by Peter Post, 2003

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Peter Post on Hygiene Etiquette

The easiest way to deal with the problem is to wash regularly-once a day—and use a deodorant, preferably one with little or no scent. Fresh clothes each day are another must. At the very least, give your shirt or other clothes the "sniff" test-and be honest with yourself about the results.

Hygiene in the Workplace

People who don't wash often enough, or who don't use a deodorant and consequently smell unpleasant, are hurting their opportunity to have good relationships with colleagues and negatively impacting their chances for promotion. 

The easiest way to deal with the problem is to wash regularly-once a day—and use a deodorant, preferably one with little or no scent. Fresh clothes each day are another must. At the very least, give your shirt or other clothes the “sniff” test-and be honest with yourself about the results.

The other big problem area involves scents-cologne, perfume, or scented deodorants. Splashing on the cologne or perfume might make heads turn when you walk by-but maybe for the wrong reason. In fact, many organizations now have “no-scent” policies. –Peter Post in “Essential Manners for Men,” 2003

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gent’s Bathroom and Toilet Etiquette

Though not mentioned in Peter Post’s book, there has been great discussion over the years on social media, and in news, on the correct way to hang roll of toilet paper... Whether the paper should hang down in front or hang in back of the roll. When toilet paper rolls were first patented in 1891, the drawing accompanying the patent shows how to place the toilet paper properly for the greatest ease in using the paper. It’s over the front of the role and hanging down in front. It does not hang in back or underneath.

The Toilet Seat

We now come to the all-important issue of the toilet seat. Here's the scenario: it's three in the morning, and your dream's been pretty good. But now you're awake, and you realize that you really need to go to the bathroom.

You carefully slip out of bed-woe to you if you wake her-and head into the bathroom with one thought: to get your business done and get back to bed. The problem is that now, at the ungodly hour of three A.M., you are facing a crucial etiquette challenge: remembering to put the toilet seat down.

Here are the two transgressions you can make in this befuddled state, in order of their seriousness:

TRANSGRESSION 1- You lift the toilet seat, do your business, and then pad back to bed without putting the seat back down. Maybe you just forgot. Or maybe you were feeling a little lazy. "It's only fair," you think to yourself. "I raised the seat— she can lower it." Wrong. This issue has nothing to do with division of labor. When nature calls at an ungodly hour, and a woman settles sleepily into a sitting position, she expects that seat to be down. Anything other than that is a very rude surprise. Think about it: Would you like to sit on the rim?

TRANSGRESSION 2- You forget to put the seat up before relieving yourself. Remember, it's dark, you're sleepy, and even at high noon your aim isn't always perfectly true. That seat isn't dry and clean as a whistle and your wife rises and heads to the same toilet, frankly, I can think of many other places I'd rather be.

Of course, you know the right thing to do in both situations. But merely knowing isn't enough. There are some tasks that men are absolutely required to perform in order to make life easier and more trouble free for everyone. This is one of them. Sometimes avoiding trou ble is the best reason of all for doing the right thing.

Toilet Paper

No one should have to face this sort of thing first thing in the morning. Only two or three sheets were left on the roll. No spare was in sight, and my wife was blissfully asleep.

We all know what it feels like to be in that situation. As men, we should always make a point of knowing where the spare roll of toilet paper is kept, and bringing that spare roll within arm's reach whenever the current roll starts running low. (Many households keep a spare roll nearby at all times, in a knit cover or in some other convenient container.)

Even better: when the roll actually runs out, don't rely on your wife to pop the new roll into the dispenser, but play the unsung hero and do it yourself.

Personal-Care Items

The bathroom is also the ultimate domestic litmus test for how well you and your partner respect each other's "things" and each other's privacy.

Take toothbrushes, for instance. My toothbrush is mine-it's got my own personal germs on it, and I don't want anyone else's joining them there. Your significant other may feel the same way I do. If you suddenly discover you can't find your own toothbrush, before going ahead and grabbing your wife's you should consider exactly how she's going to feel about someone else using her toothbrush. Even if you really think she won't mind, the considerate thing to do is to check anyway by asking her. A trip to an all-night drugstore or missing one night's brushing is better than time spent patching bruised feelings.

The same goes for all other personal-care products, including hair brushes, razors, lotions, and deodorants. Take the time to fully acquaint yourself with your partner's personal idiosyncrasies in these areas, and respect his or her preferences at all times. Sometimes it's better not to "share."

Privacy

The subject of bathroom privacy is more delicate and somewhat more abstract than other bathroom etiquette issues, but it's no less important. When you're living alone, you can leave the door open while you do whatever is necessary and it won't change the universe one bit. Once you begin living in a shared space, however, a closed door becomes important. This is true when you are using the bathroom yourself, and even more true when your partner is using it. A closed door is an unspoken request for privacy, and it should be honored at all times. — From Peter Post’s, “Essential Manners for Men,” 2003

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Modern Calling Card Etiquette

A novel twist... a card for promoting one’s book — No matter what kind of card you get, its impact doesn’t end with the printing. “With a business card, you hand them to everyone at the table or when you first meet someone,” Peter Post notes. “In a social environment, like a cocktail party, I wouldn’t do that. Wait until you’ve met someone, 20 minutes or half an hour into the conversation. If you want to follow up with them later or make sure they remember you, then give them your card.”

Calling Cards Make Comeback

Over the last few months, ink has been spilled and pixels slung from mainstream magazines to niche blogs such as “The Art of Manliness” extolling the return of a practically extinct Victorian-era relic known as the calling card.

A kissing cousin to the standard-issue business card containing little more than name and contact information, the calling card is being embraced by a swath of the under-40 set that includes hipster creatives, networking moms and untethered job seekers.

In the era of LinkedIn, Facebook, vCards and BlackBerrys, the idea of a calling card may seem quaint, and 12 months into a full-on recession it could seem like an exercise in snobbery. But it shouldn’t, says Peter Post, director of the Emily Post Institute and coauthor of “The Etiquette Advantage in Business.” “My instant reaction isn’t: ‘Oh, that’s pretentious,’ ” he said. “It’s: ‘Oh, that’s considerate.’ Someone is providing information to you in a way that makes it easy to take in and utilize — and in a way that’s memorable.”

The sour economy and mounting unemployment actually buttress the case for having a professional-looking, nonbusiness business card. But take note: Whether you’re negotiating a play group or suddenly find yourself unshackled from the font and corporate logo of the man, there’s no excuse for going all Comic Sans typeface in periwinkle ink on the front, with a glossy clown photo on the back — unless you make balloon animals for a living.

At least, that’s what the experts tell us. We polled etiquette gurus, printers and a few card-carrying card carriers for some general guidelines on condensing your personality onto a few square inches of card stock.

Don’t try DIY

“The Japanese believe your card is a reflection of who you are,” says Judith Bowman, author of “Don’t Take the Last Donut: New Rules of Business Etiquette.” “If your business card is cheap, flimsy and laminated, that’s the impression you’ll make.” She says that perception applies to calling cards as well. “The idea is, if you’re cutting corners here, where else are you cutting corners?” So step away from the office laser printer.

Go for an easy reader

In choosing paper and ink colors, let a concern for legibility temper your desire to express your fun-time persona: Use white or ecru paper and black ink. If you decide to deviate, “Make sure the colors share the message you’re trying to portray,” advises Bowman. “Jackie Kennedy was known for her powder-blue stationery — a powder blue, a Tiffany or robin’s-egg blue is fun for a social calling card.”

Keep it simple

A social calling card should contain the bearer’s name and one line of contact information. Post and Bowman both caution against including a home address— for safety reasons and because, as Bowman notes, given that information, with just a few clicks around the Internet people can say: “So that’s how much he paid for his house.”

Be one-sided

Although you might be tempted to print information on both sides of the card, etiquette professionals recommend keeping all the information on a single side. Not only is it less expensive, but, as Post points out, the bearer can use the back space to personalize the card. “That’s where you can write down an additional e-mail address or phone number or a note that says: ‘Let’s talk further about rock climbing,’ in a way that makes it so much more memorable.”

Size matters

Stick to the 3 1/2-by-2-inch format of the standard business card. “Different-sized business cards are a little obnoxious,” Bowman says. Post agrees. “Most of the things we have to carry cards in are a standard size, and different-size cards just make things awkward.”

Special delivery

No matter what kind of card you get, its impact doesn’t end with the printing. “With a business card, you hand them to everyone at the table or when you first meet someone,” Post notes. “In a social environment, like a cocktail party, I wouldn’t do that. Wait until you’ve met someone, 20 minutes or half an hour into the conversation. If you want to follow up with them later or make sure they remember you, then give them your card.”

Bowman suggests asking first. “The No. 1 rule is never assume I want your calling card. It’s about earning the right to advance and, like any relationship, it’s about building a trust.” — By Adam Tschorn, Los Angeles Times, 2008

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia