Stuffing One’s Mouth When Dining

Only the cute cheeks of chipmunks, squirrels, hamsters and such are allowed to be stuffed! — Etiquipedia is no “Dear Abby,” but after having taught etiquette since 1990, I can confidently say that this mother missed a great teaching opportunity in this instance. It’s never allowable to comment on someone’s poor manners in their home unless you’ve been asked for a critique by the ‘cheek stuffers’ themselves. Based on the ages of her parents in 1982, I’d guess they grew up during the Great Depression, when food and money were in scare supply for many. It’s possible their rushed and stuffed mouths were the result of those days. With a little understanding, a history lesson, and a dose of good manners on her part, Heavyhearted could have taught her children the fine art of ignoring the poor manners of her parents while a guest in their home and offering up their behavior as great examples of “what not to do” at the dining table, before their arrival, and again, after their departure. 

Full Mouth Causes Table Tantrum

DEAR ABBY; My parents are loving, kindhearted people in their 60s, but they have the worst table manners I have ever seen. Other family members have hinted to them over the years with no success. Now we either exclude them from dinner or surround them with people who know what to expect. 

My husband and I and our two small children drive 300 miles a couple of times a year to visit them. We were there for Thanksgiving dinner, and my father once again filled his mouth so full his cheeks were bulging, then he started to talk. Abby, I couldn’t understand a word he was saying, so I asked him to please not talk with food in his mouth. He got so angry he refused to speak to me the rest of the visit. 

When we left there was a lot of tension. It spoiled the whole trip for me. I feel so bad. I wasn’t mean or disrespectful. Abby, I just told him not to talk with his mouth full. Was I wrong to say anything? Should adult children never correct their parents no matter what? We try to teach our youngsters proper table manners, and parents like mine really make it rough. —Heavyhearted 

DEAR HEAVY: Some parents accept criticism gracefully, and some do not. Unfortunately yours do not, so if you want to keep the peace, grit your teeth and hold your tongue. — From Dear Abby, in The Desert Sun, 1982

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Teaching Respect and Courtesy

Children should be helped to discover that loveliness toward others gets for them what they want. In other words they get what they give. They make the discovery that more pleasures and satisfactions accrue to them if they give pleasure and satisfaction to others. We may cultivate in the hearts of our children this feeling or desire, this urge to please others. It is a spiritual asset, caught as well as taught. 

Tuning in with Our Children

YESTERDAY – I had no desire to preach a sermon on the desirability of parents practicing courtesy toward each other because of the effect on their children. It isn’t necessary to sermonize because everyone appreciates the charm and beauty and desirability of such behavior. Courtesy and respect for each other reflect a fine sweet spirit; they are the product of harmony and love. How to produce this inner harmony is the problem for parents and teachers. That inner desire, that feeling of harmony and love and desire to be courteous to the other fellow is a product of stimulation. The discovery that courtesy pays big dividends stimulates one to feel that way.

CHILDREN PAID IN KIND – Children should be helped to discover that loveliness toward others gets for them what they want. In other words they get what they give. They make the discovery that more pleasures and satisfactions accrue to them if they give pleasure and satisfaction to others. We may cultivate in the hearts of our children this feeling or desire, this urge to please others. It is a spiritual asset, caught as well as taught. 

RESERVE OF LOVELINESS – Our children may catch loveliness by exposure to others who practice it. And they build up a great reserve of loveliness by continually practicing thoughtfulness for others. Every parent and teacher should know that it is not enough merely to create a desire in the heart of a child to practice courtesy. Many a child finds it extremely difficult to act the way he should act, or the way he would like to act. The child tries and fails. Becomes discouraged. Our turn is to stand-by and see that his efforts to practice courtesy are crowned with success.

UNDERSTANDING NEEDED – We must help the child to a definite understanding of his problem. He must be aware of the habit he wishes to break and the new habit he wishes to form. We must help the child define these habits in terms of specific behavior situations. We must help him to determine exactly what to do and what not to do. And keep the following admonitions in mind at all times: Treat the child with the same courtesy and respect that you desire from him.

PRAISE FOR COURTESY – When the child does an especially courteous act, remember to make him happy about it. Give him a thrill. Make the good popular; give it a good reputation. In other words advertise goodness in an attractive way. – By James Samuel Lacy, 1933

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

More Table Etiquette Explained

“A visitor, who was sitting on the right of the host was seemingly very fond of the entree (mushroom timbales) and remarked that she preferred these lighter dishes to the more heavy roasts, whereupon the host asked the waitress to serve her with another timbale. The waitress, knowing there were no more in reserve, endeavored to appear as though she had forgotten the order. The man of the house, however, did not let the matter rest, but in rather a pompous fashion, again ordered the extra serving. He was much embarrassed when told that there were no more. The rule is a pretty safe one to follow, that as long as the mistress orders the meals and knows what is in the house, it is her prerogative to take the lead in such matters.” – Photo of a Mushroom Timbale from Pinterest

If the waitress is well trained, it is but rarely that she need be spoken to, as it is her affair to watch out if the water or butter or anything else is needed by anyone at the table. It is a pretty definite rule that no guest should ask the waitress for anything, but should address any such request to her hostess. An exception might be made to this rule in case such request would cause embarrassment; for instance, the waitress might have forgotten to place an extra knife or to pour any water; In this case it would then be all right to just whisper to the waitress as she passed near by rather than to call attention to the fact before the whole table. It is conceded that the mistress, not the man, of the house must give all commands and orders to the maid; otherwise, it might cause embarrassment, and misunderstanding. 

As an example, I recall an experience at a dinner at which X was a guest: A visitor, who was sitting on the right of the host was seemingly very fond of the entree (mushroom timbales) and remarked that she preferred these lighter dishes to the more heavy roasts, whereupon the host asked the waitress to serve her with another timbale. The waitress, knowing there were no more in reserve, endeavored to appear as though she had forgotten the order. The man of the house, however, did not let the matter rest, but in rather a pompous fashion, again ordered the extra serving. He was much embarrassed when told that there were no more. The rule is a pretty safe one to follow, that as long as the mistress orders the meals and knows what is in the house, it is her prerogative to take the lead in such matters. 

In houses where napkin rings are used, for family and house guests, napkins should be kept neat and folded and rolled into the ring at the end of the meal. It is usual for the guest at only one meal to place the napkin on the table without folding it. It is a nice custom for the waitress to stand back of and pull out the chair of the mistress of the house, but in some families where there are young sons it is well for them to be trained in this act of courtesy. If there is a woman guest, it is optional whether the waitress should do this or the host. I have been a frequent visitor in a charming home where there are five sons, and have been so interested in watching their little imitations of father’s table manners and small courtesies. Each son, in turn, was taught to pull out the chair for mother and render other small courtesies such as are the hall-mark of good home training. 

The boys and girls returning from boarding school are very apt to bring back with them table manners that are apparently necessary in dealing with a large group, one of them being the habit of holding the sugar bowl or salt-cellar in the hand while serving themselves. This should never be permitted in a private home, and this applies to any dish of any kind. Children away at school are very apt to be critical of the food they receive, and the habit often returns home with them. Any unfavorable comment on food at the table is, of course, not good form. Dinner table conversation should be interesting, avoiding any but the lightest discussion of serious subjects. If children are taught correct dinner table conversation and the simplest rules of table etiquette they, and their parents, will be saved many embarrassing moments. – By Florence Austin Chase, 1929

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Importance of Manners in News

Children should learn to mind by loving word, as well as a harsh word. I don't think they always need to be spoken to harshly. 

School Assignment Makes the News: This 12 Year Old Feels That Manners Are Important

Dear Aunt Laurie: 

From the time children are old enough to understand things they should be taught morals and manners. The children should learn to mind by loving word, as well as a harsh word. I don't think they always need to be spoken to harshly. I have known children to come into the room where their mother was entertaining company and ask her what she was saying. That, I think, is very bad manners.  

When the children are old enough to do work, I think they should be taught to love their mother and father. My mother taught Hazel and me to bake and do housework. Now when she is sick and cannot do the work, it is easy and a pleasure for us to do it. I think a great thing along with manners is to keep your temper. — BEULAH M. FOUST, Seventh grade, Orange Avenue School, 12 years old. — Los Angeles Herald, 1909

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Etiquette and Parenting

There are none so ready as young children to assume airs of equality; and if they are allowed to treat one class of superiors in age and character disrespectfully, they will soon use the privilege universally.

If parents allow their children to talk to them, and to the grown persons in the family, in the same style in which they address each other, it will be in vain to hope for the courtesy of manner and tone which good breeding demands in the general intercourse of society. In a large family, where the elder children are grown up, and the younger are small, it is important to require the latter to treat the elder in some sense as superiors. 

There are none so ready as young children to assume airs of equality; and if they are allowed to treat one class of superiors in age and character disrespectfully, they will soon use the privilege universally. This is the reason, why the youngest children of a family are most apt to be pert, forward, and unmannerly. — From American Woman's Home, by Catherine E. Beecher and Harriet Beecher Stowe

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Education

Good manners should be taught to very young children, and the inculcation of the principles and practice of polite society should be continued throughout the whole period of adolescence.

Child, Where Did You Learn Your Good Manners?

WRITING from New York, where the rush and bustle of crowded city life make incivilities the rule and courtesy the exception, Margery Rex declares that the public school authorities of that city contemplate including the teaching of politeness in the educational curriculum.

Good manners should be taught to very young children, and the inculcation of the principles and practice of polite society should be continued throughout the whole period of adolescence; indeed it should not stop with the adult, but become a habit to follow one through life. 

Good manners ought to be taught at home, and are the more easily inculcated by force of example. But when parents are ignorant of, or indifferent to, the courtesies of domestic life—deference to one’s elders, chivalrous attention of the masculine to the feminine, the helping hand to smaller and weaker ones, repression of one’s own selfishness and tender of kindly offices at table and in the daily goings and comings—when these courtesies are quite disregarded by the elders it cannot be expected that children will show the gentlemanly and ladylike traits of good breeding. 

So that if normal courtesies and conventions of etiquette are not taught at home it becomes doubly necessary that the school strive to make amends. Else it will happen that in the crucible of the schoolroom and playground the mixture of good manners and bad will result in lowering the average rather than raising it. Children somehow learn evil from each other more readily than good. But that is because no child is ideal to another child. 

Juvenile ideals are the grownups. The father and mother first have most influence over the growing child, the school teachers next, and thereafter other elder persons of distinction and accomplishments. Politeness is not natural to children, because every child is a little savage and a bigger barbarian before it can be civilized. 

In a land of independence and of struggle to attain the high prizes, the amenities of self-denial in little things are an efflorescence of later life. Good manners should be the accompaniment of learning. They deserve to be incorporated as a course of study from kindergarten to university. — 1921 Los Angeles Herald

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Neglected Etiquette in Homes

When the children are small they take father and mother as the example to follow, and what they see in the impressionable age is what they will copy as the correct line of conduct in later years

A Woman's Viewpoint in 1913, 
of  
What to Do and How 

Perhaps the most neglected feature in the whole curriculm of etiquette is the courtesy due our own home folks. The saying that “familiarity breeds contempt” is exemplified in too many American homes by the manners of the inmates —one toward another. The parents are largely responsible. 

When the children are small they take father and mother as the example to follow, and what they see in the impressionable age is what they will copy as the correct line of conduct in later years. It therefore behooves father and mother to exert toward each other the same gracious courtesy and consideration that marked their honeymoon days. 

When the growing son sees his father retain his seat when mother enters the room, he will follow suit and never think of rising and offering a chair to mother or sisters. If father permits his wife to wait on him at table, seeing that he is served first and letting her own meal grow cold in order that the appetite of the head of the family may be quickly appeased, the boy will feel that he, too, being a male animal, should be accorded the same deference. 

On the other hand, the wife who fails in graciously acknowledging, by a word or a smile, the little courtesies of her husband, is setting an example of bad manners and selfishness to the daughter, who will feel that it is only her due to be waited on by the opposite sex. A good plan is to keep the same set of manners for the home as prevail outside of it.— From "The Hostess," in the Sacramento Union, 1913

 Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia