Gilded Age “Welcome Guests”

“There is a difference between acting as though one had never seen a sugar sifter before, and acting as though one thought this particular sugar sifter a very pretty one.” – A gilded and silver sugar sifter to the right of a cherry fork and to the left of the fruit and berry servers, from the Etiquipedia private library.

 

The Welcome Guest:

Let the Woman Who Aspires to Be One Do All These Things

The ancient law that one must not remark either in praise or blame upon one’s hostess’s belongings, ought to be cut out of every book of etiquette. It may be extremely “good form” for a guest to act as though the loveliest things a woman could place before her are everyday affairs to her, as though the most daintily prepared food was a diurnal happening with her, but it is not good heart. 

There is a difference between acting as though one had never seen a sugar sifter before, and acting as though one thought this particular sugar sifter a very pretty one. There is a happy medium between displaying round-eyed astonishment at pate de foie gras and showing a polite appreciation of it.

As a usual thing, the mere fact that one is a guest means that one’s entertainers have brought forth their prettiest linen and china, their daintiest silver and their clearest glass, to do one honor. It is only courteous to show an appreciation of it all by an admiring word. It is a compliment to the hostess’s culinary skill to ask her for a recipe or to testify in some other way to a liking for her viands.

Of course, every woman of good breeding will be extremely careful to observe the family rules about meals and the like. She will not demand services from the maid which the other members of the household do not have. She will never be late to breakfast, unless it is the rule of the establishment that each one shall breakfast when he or she pleases. She will endeavor to be “one of the family” in her interest in those things which interest the others, and her assumption for the time of all the family ways. 

But she will conscientiously avoid being one of the family, if that means being drawn into family disputes, hearing family quarrels or being treated to a view of the family skeleton. And having once been a guest in a house, no well-bred woman will ever allow herself afterwards to indulge in unfriendly criticism of those in it. – New York World, 1894

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Basic Holiday Party Manners

Always try to be a happy conversationalist. (If you're not good at small talk, be an enthusiastic listener!) - Photo source, Pinterest

Q. This is my first big holiday season and the list of parties is almost endless. I am terrified that I may commit some social error and not even know it. Are there any definite party going rules one could learn for insurance ?  

A. There probably are as many rules as there are parties, but here are three tips which provide a general rule of thumb: 

• Always try to be helpful, cooperative about any special party plans, and a happy conversationalist. (If you're not good at small talk, be an enthusiastic listener!)  
• Be as thoughtful about the family and their home as you would want people to be about your own. 
• Express your thanks for a good time and leave promptly when the party is over. These guideposts should make you the most popular guest of the season. – Junior Miss Etiquette Advice by Miss Deb, November 1964

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Failing Graden Party Etiquette

Some of the guests at the tea remembered the duty they owed their hostesses. They knew enough to step up at the end of the party and express their appreciation of the afternoon. Some guests were so rude that they just walked away with never a “thank you” nor “good-bye.” 

The trustees and the school board were giving a garden party for the graduating class. On the lawn in the school yard a large umbrella had been erected and under it was placed the tea table. It held the punch bowl and the urn with the hot tea. Most of the faculty wives took tea, but the graduating class all gravitated to the punch bowl. 

On another table were plates of sandwiches. Little pennants, painted in the class colors, were put on skewers and inserted in a pile of sandwiches and bore the name of the sandwich on the plate. It was easy to choose the minced ham or the cool green cucumber or the orange marmalade, because the name was right there. In addition there were salted nuts and small hard candies, no bonbons and no cakes.

Some of the guests at the tea remembered the duty they owed their hostesses. They knew enough to step up at the end of the party and express their appreciation of the afternoon. Some guests were so rude that they just walked away with never a “thank you” nor “good-bye.” The faculty decided that a course in etiquette would be a most desirable one to have in the curriculum next year. 

There was no entertainment planned for this garden party. The guests strolled here and there saying those usual nothings which parting classmates find to say one to another. Had it rained the faculty were prepared to set up the tea tables in the gymnasium. If that were necessary they planned to have the orchestra play for dancing. But the weather was with them and the party was a great success. – “Nancy Page” for San Pedro Pilot, 1929

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Holiday Etiquette and Privacy

When visiting this holiday season, remember some basic rules of etiquette. Respect closed doors, and don’t eavesdrop or pry into the personal belongings of others.

Privacy Vital To Everyone

“The world is too much with us,” grumbled Wordsworth 150 years ago. You can imagine how the poet would feel today, with Science bringing outer space into our very living rooms. Today's world, in fact, is more ‘with us’ in every respect. People are more with us. They have more ways to be with us. They can “drop in” by land sea or air – and pay later. They have more time to drop in – the 40-hour week provides loads of it. They have more incentive to drop in – “Togetherness” is extolled from every quarter. The result is an invasion of privacy on a monumental scale. 

While many people invite and enjoy the invasion, respect for privacy is still a cornerstone of etiquette. So don't just walk into a person's house. Knock. Better still, call first. This permits your victims to vamoose gracefully or at least tidy up the place before you arrive. If you walk into a family squabble or find they have guests already, explain you “can't stay but a second” and avoid being a nosy guest. Keep your paws out of desk drawers, medicine cabinets, record collections. Avoid asking the cost of anything. The man with the diamond stickpin may have $30 in the bank, so don't pry into finances. Beware of stirring up conversations with strangers on train, plane or bus. Some people read while traveling, others think long thoughts; neither relishes intrusions. 

Privacy is like love and freedom – it’s unimportant only when you have it. Any man who has lived in an army barracks can vouch for this fact. So will members of large families. As houses become smaller and families bigger (both are present trends), a respect for privacy becomes increasingly important. So don’t read Sister’s love letters. Don’t snoop in Dad’s den. Let Junior retire to his cubicle and mope in peace. Respect closed doors. Don’t eavesdrop or pry in personal belongings. It takes a heap of manners to make a house a home.  –Don Goodwin’s Male Polish, December, 1958

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette for Calling the Detectives

“New times, new customs—and new developments, must be met and settled once and for all. What the books of etiquette might find a ‘best seller’ feature just now, is the final word as to who is the one to engage the private detective.” Adding in some etiquette for being a thoughtful guest and not stealing items from other guests, is also an excellent subject to address!

Who Calls the Detective When Someone Steals from a Member of the Smart Set?

Need, crying need, exists for definite rulings as to points of good form in our richest and smartest circles. Strange, indeed, that there should be hesitation as to what is quite the correct thing under any and all conditions among the socially elect. But, new times, new customs—and new developments, must be met and settled once and for all. What the books of etiquette might find a “best seller” feature just now, is the final word as to who is the one to engage the private detective. 

Now, don't be alarmed, don't be misled. This is nothing scandalous. Jealousy plays no part in this little meditation on the smart set. But when there is a house party. When things—things of value —disappear. When the others of the house party are all friends tried and true. When the servants are all of the family variety. Who, oh, who, should engage the detectives? Those detectives who ask such questions—my dear, you would hardly believe me if I told you the way those men pry into one’s finer affairs. But the consolation is that you sometimes get the things back that are lost. 

Of course, it was easy to arrange matters when the Crocker pearls and the De Sabla diamonds disappeared. Those were both in hotels, and no one felt any sort of bread and salt scruples. In fact, it was a sort of a contest as to which could get the detectives first. But at the home of a girl you went to school with—or whose husband used to be one of your very best friends—what then? Within the 50 mile circle around the city, not so very long ago, a diamond brooch disappeared. They were very gorgeous diamonds and they disappeared very thoroughly over night. It was a small and intimate house party.

When the loss was realized, the hostess said, “Send down detectives at once.” Only what she did say was “private detectives.” That seems to take the curse off the dreadful publicity of such things. The one-time owner of the diamonds said: “I didn't send down a detective. I don't like to do such a thing in any one’s house. It seems such a liberty. Of course, if she had had one herself, I would not have objected, but I couldn't suggest that.” The hostess said: “So strange she wouldn't send down a detective, but if she didn't do it herself, I felt she had some reason, and I couldn't do anything. I would have been more comfortable if it had been thoroughly sifted.” Then again, a sable muff mysteriously evaded its owner at one of these house parties.

It might have been in San Rafael, or perhaps it was Woodside. Anyway, the muff was gone, and it was of Russian sables, that made the heart of womankind like unto water just to gaze upon it. Again, the hesitation as to the sleuths supplied by an agency or the police department. Again, the hostess and the bereaved guest bowed and urged each other. Some one suggested that it be left to the men of the two families involved. Then there would be no hesitation in the matter. Not so, however. In matters of social form American men are prone to let their womenfolk take the initiative. Neither husband would do anything more definite than say, “I leave it to you, my dear.” Will some social authority step forward and settle the matter? It can't be left to the police. They are concerned merely with the transgressions of social observances, and to decide upon the reverse, would be out of their line of action. But who should engage the detectives? – The San Francisco Call, 1913

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Mega-Yacht Etiquette

From a guest column by Irena Medavoy for The Hollywood Reporter - Irena Medavoy, a Cannes fest regular with producer husband Mike, shares the secret of life aboard the world's most lux (and largest - but really, size doesn't matter) boats.

1. Never Invite Yourself - or Anyone Else 

Boat people are casting a movie — they know who they want on board. After all, cruising waters 24 hours a day, you'd better enjoy the people. Tight quarters make for tighter relationships. And if it doesn't work, you won't be back. On my very first boat trip, there was an Oscar-winning actor who brought his friends - Mike and I went to the side and said to each other, "Oh my God, how could you?" Luckily there was an extra cabin. There are no rules for A-list stars. What's amazing is they turn out to be the most gracious, kind and generous — and grateful.


2. Go with the Flow

Your hosts are the captains of your stay — where you go, what you eat and what you do — so you need to follow the program. Some want to go to Capri and disco and eat at the best restaurants, like Fontanel, which you can only get to by boat. Others want to see nature —places like the Porquerolles in France, where you can swim on deserted beaches and eat lunch served by a crew more beautiful than anyone in Sports Illustrated.


3. Bring Something to the Party — and oh,    Behave! 

Tell stories, be present and suggest interesting people they might like to meet on land. Jet ski, swim, explore, snooze, dance. Be yourself... Just a better-mannered self. I once saw a major singer get his laptop ruined by a drunk club-goer coming to visit the boat and hitting on him. You do not want to walk the plank and be escorted off by security in your black-tie dress and heels.


4. Tip the Crew 

The right amount for you and your family is about $10,000 for a week. You take care of everybody who took care of you. (And by the way, don't take the masseuse or the manicurist away from the owner's time.)


5. Know the Social Media Policy 

The most beautiful boats I have been on, I'll never talk about - the owners are that private. So you don't post it. You don't write about it. And you never say the name of the yacht or your hosts. 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site

Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Road Trip Etiquette

"There seems to be no etiquette for motoring, but surely there is nothing that needs laws of good form more than this..."

WHY MOTORISTS BUY ROADSTERS

H.O. Harrison Discusses Etiquette of Motor Car and Points Out Mistakes

The owning of a touring car at times is a serious problem to the man of moderate means. Many an owner takes pleasure in entertaining his friends with his motor car, but has found that holiday trips and extended outings are expensive. The expense has not been so much that of the motor car, but the money that has been paid out for entertaining guests at luncheons, refreshments, and on the more pretentions trips to the hotels. 

A man who takes his family on a day's outing generally provides himself with a luncheon which is enjoyed by his household underneath the shade of some wayside tree. On the other hand, when there are guests aboard, it is generally a much more hurried trip, covering as much ground as possible for the benefit of those being entertained. This means a stop at some of the larger hotels. 

H. O. Harrison of the H. O. Harrison Company, in speaking of the existing conditions, says that if guests would appreciate these facts and act accordingly, invitations for motor trips would be much more frequently given. He said: "There seems to be no etiquette for motoring, but surely there is nothing that needs laws of good form more than this. I have found from personal experience and from data gathered from owners, that the owner, when he furnished the car, pays for gasoline, oil and tires, is bearing his share of tha expense and that the money spent for luncheon, hotels and so forth, should be borne by the guests."

"Then there is the person who always takes the front seat with the driver. This is always the desirable seat in a motor car for riding, and for the view, yet how often do you see a person start out in this seat at the beginning of a trip and never give it up until home is reached again? Not once do such persons ever offer or insist upon exchanging with some one in the tonneau." 

"These are but two points that come to mind. There are many other niceties of life, which, if overlooked in the daily social intercourse, would stamp one as a bore and a cad. The phenomenal development of the motor car has been so rapid that through the rush of enjoying it, owners and guests have, through thoughtlessness, overlooked little things which would greatly enhance the pleasures of motoring." 

"Now that the automobile has become an accepted mode of conveyance it is up to the dictators of good form to lay down rules which will clearly define the position of the owner and guest to one another, just as it has been done in yachting." 

"When this is done, those deserving of an invitation will find that their presence will be welcomed in their friends' motor cars. It is for this reason that the roadster has become so popular." — San Francisco Call, May 8, 1910

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia