Gilded Age Girls Warned of “the Cars”

Young ladies in the gilded age were warned from falling prey to vulgar or vicious characters one might be exposed to while on “the Cars” of public transport.~ It was reported in the papers that one such young lady eloped with a man who turned out to be professional gambler!  “The girl was not to blame. It was the natural effect of her daily journeys without protection. But the dewy bloom was fast going from the peach…Their acquaintance, it was stated, ‘began on the cars.’” 

Acquaintance “Begun on the Cars”

“I live,” said a gentleman lately, “in a town near New York, and go to my business there and return on the same line of railway. The train in the morning and afternoon is filled with girls from ten to eighteen years on their way to and from schools in the city. They usually belong to families of the educated, influential class and at home are carefully guarded from vulgar or vicious companions. They are not so guarded on the cars, and the result is soon apparent.

“For example, I remember, about five years ago, that a blushing little girl of 15 was put one morning on the train by her father; her books were in an embroidered bag, and her ticket ready in her portemonnaie. It was evidently the first time she had made the journey alone. She sat timidly in one corner, her color coming and going when the conductor spoke to her. She was a picture of innocence and modesty.

“After that, she came down every day on the same train. In a day or two, I noticed that she was listening to the chatter of the other school girls, at first with a mixture of disgust and amazement on her shy face. Presently, as she became used to it, the disgust wore off, and she listened smiling, to their absurd gossip and jokes.

“In a week or two the conductor and brakeman recognized her as a familiar figure, and tipped their hats to her as she stepped on board. A little later they exchanged good-morning and remarks about the weather. She apparently felt that civility required some answer. When, as weeks passed, the conductor, a young, vulgar fellow stopped beside her seat to ask what was her school, and to make remarks on her textbooks, the girl, though frightened and annoyed, did not know how to dismiss him.

“Before the summer was over, she had lost much of her shyness and helplessness. She came alone to the train, jumped on board, and marched into the car like the others with an air of perfect sangfroid. The girl was not to blame. It was the natural effect of her daily journeys without protection. But the dewy bloom was fast going from the peach.

In a year that girl entered the car as if it belonged to her, laughing and joking loudly with the other girls and the train hands. She had lost all interest for me, and I ceased to notice her. One day, however, about a year afterward, the morning papers contained the account of the elopement of the daughter of Judge Blank with a man who turned out to be a professional gambler. “Their acquaintance, it was stated, ‘began on the cars.’

“It was the shy little girl. She might yet be shy and innocent and happy, if her mother had not subjected her to the risks of that unprotected journey. No education can atone for the price paid for it in such exposure.”-Youth's Companion, 1886

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Gilded Age Card-Leaving Etiquette

A late 19th C. receipt from Montgomery Bros. (once known as “the Tiffany’s of LosAngeles”) for a steel plate for engraving calling or visiting cards, for a Mary Anne Martin, aka Mrs. William Martin of San Dimas California.

Between ladies the etiquette of card-leaving is very strictly followed and punctiliously observed in all its laws. Some ladies labour under the mistake of supposing that on their arrival in town or elsewhere, their acquaintances should first call on them, but common sense would alone point to the contrary, even if there were no etiquette in the matter; as friends cannot be supposed to guess at this fact, they require to be informed of it by means of visiting cards. 

Visiting cards should be left in person, and should not be sent by post, unless the distance is considerable, when it is permissible to do so. Under certain circumstances a servant might be allowed to leave them for his mistress, delicate health, distance, or unfavourable weather would be perhaps sufficient and good reasons for sending cards by a servant: but, as a rule, ladies invariably leave their cards themselves. 

It was formerly the custom, on arriving in town for ladies having a large acquaintance to send their visiting cards to their various friends and acquaintances by a man-servant, but this practice is now more unusual than usual, it being found more satisfactory for ladies to leave cards themselves. Ladies arriving in town or country should leave cards on their acquaintances and friends to intimate that they have arrived, or returned home, as the case may be. –From Manners and Rules of Good Society or Solecisms to. Be Avoided, 1898

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Gilded Age Champagne Etiquette

“What!” said he, “drink a champagne of 1880. Why, it is too absurd!” I told him it was that or nothing, for we were far behind them in England, drinking new champagnes and having no old ones. The idea is prevalent that champagne will not keep in this climate. After a few years, one will always order his supply from abroad yearly, keeping his champagne at his London wine merchant’s or at the vineyard.

Brut Champagne – Another Revolution in treatment of this Wine – It must be Old to be good –‘74 Champagne worth $8 a bottle in Paris– How to frappé Champagne

THE fashionable world here have accepted the Brût champagne, and avoid all other kinds; ladies even more than men. But another revolution is to occur in this country in the next five years in the treat ment of this wine. We will soon follow the example of our English brethren and never drink it until it is from eight to ten years old.

A year or two ago one the most fashionable men in London asked me to assist him in ordering a dinner at Delmonico's. When we came to ordering the wines, he exclaimed against the champagne. “What!” said he, “drink a champagne of 1880. Why, it is too absurd!” I told him it was that or nothing, for we were far behind them in England, drinking new champagnes and having no old ones.

The idea is prevalent that champagne will not keep in this climate. After a few years, one will always order his supply from abroad yearly, keeping his champagne at his London wine merchant’s or at the vineyard. To evidence the improvement in champagne by age, I can only cite that the champagne of 1874 has sold in London at auction for $7 a bottle, and now in Paris and London you pay $8 a bottle for a '74 wine at a restaurant, and $6 for an 1880 wine; at the vineyard itself $45 a dozen, and hard to obtain at this price. If you once drink one of these old champagnes you will never again drink a fresh wine. In England, they now drink no Madeira; it is never served. At their dinners they pride themselves on giving 1874 champagne. If they can give this wine, with a Golden Sherry and a fine glass of Port, they are satisfied.

It will be well to remember that champagnes are now known to connoisseurs by their vintage. Wines of some vintages do not keep at all. In keeping champagnes, keep only, or order kept for you, the champagnes of the best vintages. Of course, there is much risk in keeping any champagne; but what all strive for, is to possess something that no one else has; that is not purchasable, I mean, in any quantity, and this now is 1874 champagne.

To properly frappé champagne, put in the pail small pieces of ice, then a layer of rock salt, alternating these layers until the tub is full. Put the bottle in the tub; be careful to keep the neck of the bottle free from the ice, for the quantity of wine in the neck of the bottle being small, it would be acted upon by the ice first. If possible, turn the bottle every five minutes. In twenty-five minutes from the time it is put in the tub, it should be in perfect condition, and should be served immediately. What I mean by perfect condition is, that when the wine is poured from the bottle, it should contain little flakes of ice; that is a real frappé. — From “Society As I Have Found It” by Ward McAllister

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

“Society As I Have Found It”- A Review

It is not that his book is given up to trivialities, but that his solemn way of dealing with them creates the impression that he imagines himself occupied in a kind of philosophical research. Darwin, in his evolution of his evolution theory, was not more impressed with the magnitude of his theme than Ward McAllister in establishing a rule of etiquette.

Oh! That Mine Enemy, Etc...

The enemies of Mr. Ward McAllister are indebted to that gentleman for a means of retaliation. Mr. McAllister’s book on “Society As I Have Found It” exposes him to merciless criticism. As a conductor of entertainments he was above reproach. He had studied one thing until he knew it well. No man in either hemisphere is more competent authority on such important matters as the month in the year in which salmon may be served at a swell dinner or the kind of sauce which may be served with it, he has given many, years’ study to intricate problems of this nature, and if he has not solved them satisfactorily, the man does not live who can prove that he has not. But a clever man with Mr. McAllister’s knowledge of society, in both Europe and America, ought to write an entertaining book. That is precisely what Mr. McAllister has failed to do. 

It is not that his book is given up to trivialities, but that his solemn way of dealing with them creates the impression that he imagines himself occupied in a kind of philosophical research. Darwin, in his evolution of his evolution theory, was not more impressed with the magnitude of his theme than Ward McAllister in establishing a rule of etiquette. In most pursuits, earnestness is an element of success. A writer impresses a public in proportion, as he is able to convince them that he believes his own theories and regards them as important. But with society as a theme, a man may be wise or witty, satirical or indulgent, a scoffer or a worshiper, but he must be bright. McAllister’s book is both trivial and dull. — San Francisco Call, 1890

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McAllister... Supreme on Social Matters

The son of Ward McAllister, the self-appointed “social arbiter of the Gilded Age,” was reportedly permanently removed without pay from his job as a District Court Judge for Alaska, due to “drunkenness, indolence and incompetency.”
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When asked about the court’s decision, McAllister said that in social matters, he recognized no authority except his own, but in matters legal, he took off his hat to the authority of the Supreme Court of the United States.
— Photo source, Pinterest

The “McAllister Decision”

New York, May 20.— Ward McAllister was interviewed by the World To-day on the Supreme Court decision that his son (the ex-Alaska Judge) was not entitled to a salary after his removal. McAllister says that in social matters, he recognizes no authority except his own, but in matters legal, he takes off his hat to the authority of the Supreme Court of the United States. Just like any other good citizen, he had nothing to say as to the propriety, etiquette and good taste of such decision. — San Francisco Call, 1891

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Properly Addressing a Prince

According to the self-appointed arbiter of Gilded-Age New York society, Ward McAllister, “Sir” and “Ma’am” were the preferred titles for the Prince of Wales and his wife. Above — Albert, Prince of Wales, who later became King George VII, after the death of his mother, Queen Victoria. 

Princely Etiquette

The Prince of Wales is always addressed, even by his intimate friends, as “Sir.” For example, on approaching him, the etiquette is to say, “Sir, Good morning.” This is followed by one’s continually addressing him as “Sir” on every and all other occasions. The Princess is always addressed as “Ma’am.” Ward McAllister tells us so.— Boston Herald, 1895

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Opera Hat Etiquette

“Newland, I’m so happy you left your ‘I have an opera-hat’ badge at home!” — Young men might spare themselves considerable trouble, and their friends some annoyance, by pinning on the lapel of their dress-coat a badge marked “opera-hat.” Then everybody will be aware that they have one, and that they have had intelligence enough to leave it with their other things upstairs. Thus, the soul aim they seem to have in view will be quietly and unostentatiously served.

— Photo from “The Age of Innocence” source, Pinterest

One of the follies of would-be fashion, of which, usually, only very young men are guilty, is carrying a crush or opera-hat into a drawing-room at a formal party or reception. It is strange that they do not know any better: that common sense does not tell them that to go into a cloak-room and leave their over shoes, cane, and overcoat, and then carry their hat into company is the essence of absurdity. The name of the hat they appear so anxious to display should give them the proper information as to its disposal. 

It is an opera-hat, and designed for the opera, where it is convenient to retain it after leaving a box to enter the lobby or foyer, as nobody would care to be bareheaded. But to go into a drawing-room with the hat under one's arm, and nurse it all evening, advertises ignorance of society and etiquette with unpleasant conspicuousness. A man might with equal fitness carry around his overshoes or his boot-jack or his toilet articles. The sole object he can have must be to let the company know that he has an opera-hat, not a very valuable or remarkable acquisition, since such a head-covering can be bought anywhere for $5 or $6.

Young men might spare themselves considerable trouble, and their friends some annoyance, by pinning on the lapel of their dress-coat a badge marked “opera-hat.” Then everybody will be aware that they have one, and that they have had intelligence enough to leave it with their other things upstairs. Thus, the soul aim they seem to have in view will be quietly and unostentatiously served. —The New York Times, 1880

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Etiquette of Gilded Age Hired Guests

To be sure, the hired guest is probably allowed his or her dinner or supper without any deduction from the stipulated rental, but the temptation to carry off the spoons or to “prig” a stray bit of jewelry should be guarded against. — This is delicious. None but “parties” of culture and refinement would possibly consent to hire out at the rate of ten dollars a night to make anybody’s “events” pleasant and enjoyable. And none but refined and cultured “parties” we may add, would be willing to call in the aid of an employment bureau to meet and entertain their guests. It would be sad indeed if the hired guests should chance to be more refined and cultured than those who hired them.

Above, a gilded age, 1888, Gotham ‘Versailles’ pattern spoon - Photo source, Etiquipedia private library

Not long since there was printed in one of the New-York newspapers, was an entertaining account of an establishment at which evening costumes for gentlemen and ladies were hired out by the night at a stipulated price. It was said there were several such “magazines” in the City from which young gentlemen and ladies were supplied with elegant attire of faultless fit and warranted to be made in the latest fashion. The only puzzling feature of this novel business was the precise character of the persons who could possibly be the patrons of depots of fashionable clothing kept for rent. 

It seemed incredible that, in even and so crowded and heterogenous a society as that of New-York, there could be found persons— men or women — who would have the audacity to venture into private houses wearing borrowed clothing. Of course, there are persons who walk about in dress coats or in WORTH'S gowns who are incapable of refinement, or feeling any stings of mortification under any propagation short of being ignominiously kicked down the stairs. But how many people are who are willing to go into society with borrowed garments, could possibly get into society was a puzzle. There, however, were the two facts: the clothes were hired out and there were mysterious persons who hired them.


The missing link has been supplied. An alleged newspaper of this City has gone into the business of supplying what may be called a long-felt want—ladies and gentlemen to attend parties, receptions, and other entertainments. It must be very vexatious for a lady, when she has been at the trouble and expense providing a dinner, supper, or music for dancing, to find her table half-filled or rooms empty. There was once a lady who came hither from a western city bent on getting into “first-class society right away.” She had (or her husband had) a great deal of money. So she set out to give a magnificent entertainment. The evening came and with it the supper, wines, flowers, lights, silver, and everything but the guests. The richly decorated lady and her husband received nobody but the hired servants, who stood around and giggled at the sight. This has not been an uncommon experience in New-York, it is said. But it need not occur again. 

The “Employment Bureau” of our society newspaper, addressing itself to families “who are about giving receptions, dinner parties, or other entertainments,” proposes to furnish “persons who will make these events pleasant and enjoyable.” It is further said in the delightful circular published by the Bureau that “these persons will not be professionals, but parties of culture and refinement.” This is delicious. None but “parties” of culture and refinement would possibly consent to hire out at the rate of ten dollars a night to make anybody’s “events” pleasant and enjoyable. And none but refined and cultured “parties” we may add, would be willing to call in the aid of an employment bureau to meet and entertain their guests. It would be sad indeed if the hired guests should chance to be more refined and cultured than those who hired them.


The novice in New-York society, who finds some difficulty in the way of securing the attendance of nice-looking and agreeable people and entertainment, will hail the Employment Bureau as a sweet boon. For it is stipulated that these social supers shall dress elegantly and mingle with the guests, while able and willing to play, sing, and converse fluently, tell a good story, give a recitation, or anything to help to make the evening pass quickly and pleasantly. And all this for ten dollars! From what mine of intellect and refined culture does the Employment Bureau draw its supplies? The late lamented BROWN, it is well known, used to keep lists of eligible young men for evening parties, for which he furnished animated lay figures for dancing and for wall-flower purposes. But the Employment Bureau goes beyond BROWN, and guarantees persons who can sing play and converse well, tell good stories, give recitations, and do anything tolerable and desirable and polite society. 

Moreover, these persons will be furnished to order “young or old, male or female,”  and all for the moderate price of ten dollars per evening each. The compensation is too low. To be sure, the hired guest is probably allowed his or her dinner or supper without any deduction from the stipulated rental, but the temptation to carry off the spoons or to “prig” a stray bit of jewelry should be guarded against. The Employment Bureau, however, guarantees its employed guests to be “strictly honest and desirable persons.” We have sufficiently indicated the class of persons, male and female, for whose benefit the magazines of second-hand fashionable costumes, to be let, are maintained. On the one side is society famishing for entertaining guests; on the other are impecunious persons of culture and refinement. The Employment Bureau and the second-hand clothing depot furnished the connecting link.


Of course, like other beneficent institutions, the scheme of hiring out guests is liable to abuse. Even though they may be persons of culture and refinement, they might possibly take a glass of wine too much, and, in a moment of natural enjoyment, “give the whole thing away.” Then, again, their frequent appearances and reappearances in New-York society, provided the Employment Bureau should be extensively patronized, would eventually arouse suspicion. A very great lady, who never wears less than fifty thousand dollars worth of diamonds when she goes a-visiting, is continually accompanied by two elegant and “stylish” young fellows who appear to be basking in the sunshine of her smiles, but who are only hired detectives guarding her ladyship’s gems. It would be dreadful if the Bureau’s young men and women should eventually be rated as mere detectives. 

The same journal that offers to furnish elegantly dressed, refined, and cultured guests for parties, also invites attention to its facilities for informing patrons of art where art-works “can be purchased at reasonable figures, thus avoiding the extortion and prices charged by dealers.” Surely, talents like these will be able to protect society from the exposure of sham guests, as well as from the possibility of somebody's asking: Are you one of the Employment Bureau's young men? — New York Times, 1882

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Idleness Corrupts Manners

Next to selfishness, idleness is the greatest corrupter of manners, as well as, of morals. Half the sins of the world may be laid at the door of idleness. If you would keep your boys from becoming gamblers, hangers-on at saloons or political parasites, keep them employed actively.

Next to selfishness, idleness is the greatest corrupter of manners, as well as, of morals. The mother who would see her daughter a happy and contented wife, should implant a love of industry. She should teach her to feel an interest in something good and useful. Gardening, needle-work housekeeping, anything but that paralysis of the faculties that results from idleness. There are women who would not object to doing kindnesses if no effort were required of them. It is too much trouble to go out into the garden and cut a few flowers for a friend who lives in a flat, or a sick child longing for the beauty and odor from which it is shut. Idleness has hung chains of greater weight than iron on the hands that ought to rejoice in doing deeds of kindness. Good intentions and good manners,  struggle to see the light but die still-born, benumbed by idleness. Half the sins of the world may be laid at the door of idleness. If you would keep your boys from becoming gamblers, hangers-on at saloons or political parasites, keep them employed actively. If you would keep your girls sweet, uncorrupted, happy, fill their lives with suitable employment and they can bid the demons of melancholy and despair defiance.— San Jose Mercury, 1896 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia©️ Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gilded Age Invitation Etiquette

IN SOCIAL LIFE – “Instead of answers to the social problems already set forth in this column, more questions continue to be sent in, which, being of themselves tacit acknowledgments that the suggestions for solving previous questions have been satisfactory, are a compliment that is appreciated since the position of social oracle is a greatness that has been thrust upon the department, rather than one with which it was born, or for which it has ever had the temerity to seek to achieve.”

Society Editor Herald – “A lady and gentleman, about to issue invitations for a society event, seeks information through your columns. As it is to be a joint invitation, by husband and wife, is it permissible to send invitations to the gentlemen friends of the host, and their wives,—all parties being of equal social standing—though the wife of the host may never, for many reasons, have called on the ladies? Would such action be just cause for unfavorable or invidious comment? Or, if it is not permissible, would it be “the proper caper” to invite the gentlemen and not their wives? Which action would show the spirit that should rule all society—true courtesy? You will, perhaps, say that the hostess should call on the ladies before the invitations are issued, but that may, under many circumstances, be impossible.”

Courtesy First—Regarding the “just invidious or unfavorable comment.” The class of persons who indulge in such witless little pleasantries are oftener actuated by a spirit of envy or narrow-minded ignorance, than with any sense of justice, unless tbe cause for such comment be a flagrant breach of etiquette; and, except in the latter case, such persons should be charitably commiserated on their unfortunate and unenviable point of view. But, in order to avoid committing a flagrant breach of etiquette, it is as well to first be sure you are right and then go ahead in social, as in other matters. And you most surely would not be right, if you invited a married man without his wife under circumstances above set forth; on the contrary, it would be little less than an open insult to both the man and his wife. 

Second—“All parties being of equal social standing” the circumstances which preclude a call before the issuance of invitations must be either ill-health on your part, or else that you have not lived here as long as the guests you would invite. Be that as it may, the wives should be invited if the husbands are to be; and since the calls have not and cannot be paid and the husbands are wanted for business or other reasons, the joint invitations should be sent to such gentlemen friends and their wives, with the visiting cards of both host and hostess enclosed. In such manner do you show not only the courtesy of an invitation, but that of a call as well from both your husband and yourself; and acceptance will follow if the guests know your reasons for not having actually paid the call; if not, and in the case of regrets, you have done all you could “under the circumstances” to show your courteous intentions. – Los Angeles Herald “Social Life”, 1895

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gilded Age Etiquette and Acceptance

Though incredibly wealthy, the famous Vanderbilt family had not truly been welcomed into New York’s Gilded Age society, and wouldn’t be welcomed unless they were accepted by the ultimate social “judge and jury” of the day, Mrs. Caroline Astor. The Mrs. Astor of the famous list of “400” socially acceptable people... a number based on the limitations of the Astor’s fabulous New York City ballroom, (which was actually a list of merely 319) But, without Astor’s social support, the Vanderbilts were merely the wealthiest “nobodies” in New York society. Soon after the announcement of a forthcoming Vanderbilt ball, but before the formal invitations had been issued, Miss Carrie Astor, took it for granted that, as leaders of society, the Astors would, of course, be invited. Mrs. Vanderbilt heard of this, and told friends that she could not invite Miss Astor to her ball, as her mother “had never called upon her” socially. This reached Mrs. Astor’s ears, and soon after she called upon Mrs. Vanderbilt. She and her daughter were thus invited to the Vanderbilt ball, “making” the Vanderbilts in the process. 

Ball  “Made” Vanderbilts

—————————————————

Magnificent Entertainment Gained Family Formal Recognition by Recognized New York “Society.”

The Vanderbilts obtained their first secure foothold in New York’s leading society by a great fancy-dress ball given by Mrs. William K. Vanderbilt In her beautiful Fifth Avenue house on the evening of March 26, 1883. It surpassed in splendor, in beauty, in brilliancy, and in luxurious and lavish expense any scene before witnessed in New York. But two or three of the leaders of New York society, notably Mrs. William Astor, had never called upon any of the ladies of the Vanderbilt family. 

According to the generally accepted story, soon after the announcement of the forthcoming ball, but before the formal invitations had been issued, Miss Carrie Astor, the only unmarried daughter of Mrs. William Astor, organized a fancy dress quadrille to be danced at the ball by several young ladies and gentlemen, it being taken for granted by the Astors that, as leaders of society, they would, of course, be invited. Mrs. Vanderbilt heard of this, and stated in the hearing of some friends that she could not invite Miss Astor to her ball, as her mother had never called upon her. 

This reached Mrs. Astor’s ears, and soon after she called upon Mrs. Vanderbilt. She and her daughter were invited to the Vanderbilt ball. Thus did the ball break the last barrier down and the Vanderbilt family was firmly established among New York’s social leaders. –Healdsburg Enterprise, 1923

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette of Gilded Age Dance Parties

A man gives the first and last dances to his partner of the evening.

In selecting a company for a dancing party the hostess will naturally choose only those who dance, and she should see, as far as possible, that all the women are provided with partners.

It is better to dance first with one acquaintance and then with another, rather than to make one’s self conspicuous by giving a great number of dances to one man.

A man gives the first and last dances to his partner of the evening.

No man should invite a young woman to attend a dress affair without providing a carriage for her. When the party is small and informal, it is allowable to go on the street-cars.

At the end of the dance, the man should offer his arm to his partner, and take at least one turn around the room before consigning her to her seat.

A man who can dance, and will not, ought to remain away from a ball.

If for any reason a girl should refuse to dance with one man, she should not accept another invitation for the same dance.

An invitation to a ball may be asked for a friend who is a stranger in town, and has had no opportunity of making the acquaintance of the one who gives the ball.

A man should not ask a girl, to whom he has been introduced for the purpose of dancing with her, for more than two dances the same evening.– From Cora C. Klein's, "Practical Etiquette," 1899

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Gilded Age Dinner Etiquette "Extras"

Fruit-knives are required, and ice-spoons, orange spoons, and other unique conceits in silver utensils may be provided with the dessert, if one happens to own them...

Miscellaneous Points of the Gilded Age Dinner

Extra knives and forks are brought in with any course that requires them. The preliminary lay-out is usually meant to provide all that the scheme of the dinner will call for; but one must have a goodly supply of silver and cutlery to avoid altogether the necessity for having some of it washed and returned to the table during the progress of the dinner. It is very desirable to be amply equipped, as it facilitates the prompt and orderly serving of the courses.

Fruit-knives are required, and ice-spoons, orange spoons, and other unique conceits in silver utensils may be provided with the dessert, if one happens to own them; otherwise, plain forks and spoons do duty as required. The fork bears the chief burden of responsibility, being used for everything solid or semi-solid, leaving the spoon to the limited realm of soft custards and fruits that are so juicy as to elude the tines of the fork.

The knife is held in hand as little as possible, being used only when cutting is actually necessary, the fork easily separating most vegetables, etc. In the fish course, however, the knife is used to assist in removing the troublesome small bones.

In holding the knife the fingers should not touch the blade, except that the forefinger rests upon the upper edge not far below the shank when the cutting requires some firmness of pressure. The dinner knife should be sharp enough to perform its office without too much muscular effort, or the possible accident of a duck's wing flying unexpectedly " from cover" under the ill-directed stress of a despairing carver's hand. I have seen the component parts of a fricasseed chicken leave the table, not untouched— oh! no; every one had been sawing at it for a half an hour—but uneaten it certainly was, for obvious reasons. The cutlery was pretty, but practically unequal to even spring chicken.                               

The fork bears the chief burden of responsibility, being used for everything solid or semi-solid, leaving the spoon to the limited realm of soft custards and fruits that are so juicy as to elude the tines of the fork.

The fork is held with the tines curving downward, that position giving greater security to the morsel, and is raised laterally, the points being turned, as it reaches the mouth, just enough to deposit the morsel between the slightly-parted lips. During this easy movement the elbow scarcely moves from its position at the side, a fact gratefully appreciated by one's next neighbor. What is more awkward than the arm projected, holding the fork pointing backward at a right angle to the lips, the mouth opening wide like an automatic railway gate to an approaching locomotive—the labored and ostentatious way in which food is sometimes transported to its destination? Nor, once in the mouth, is it lost to sight forever. Other people, seated opposite, are compelled to witness it in successive stages of the grinding process, as exhibited by the constant opening and shutting of the mouth during mastication, or laughing and talking with the mouth full—faults of heedless people of energetic but not refined manners.

Liquids are sipped from the side of the spoon, without noise or suction. In serving vegetables the tablespoon is inserted laterally, not " point first."

Celery is held in the fingers, asparagus also, unless the stalks are too tender. Green corn may be eaten from the cob, a good set of natural teeth being the prime requisite. It may be a perfectly graceful performance if daintily managed.

The management of fruits in the dessert is another test of dainty skill. Oranges may be eaten in different ways; they may be cut in half across the sections, and the cells scooped out with a spoon; or they may be peeled and separated. The pegs of a large Florida orange can be skinned with the point of a sharp fruit-knife, and the seeds removed, leaving only the juicy pulp to be conveyed to the mouth. Practice enables one easily to "make way with" an orange. Bananas are peeled and held in the fingers, or, if very mealy, they may be cut into "bites" and eaten with a fork. Juicy pears and peaches may be managed in the same way, at discretion, the rule being that the fingers should touch as little as possible fruits that are decidedly mushy.

The finger-bowl stands ready to repair all damages of the nature suggested. The fingers are dipped in the water and gently rinsed, and then passed lightly over the lips, and both mouth and fingers are wiped upon the napkin.

At a signal from the hostess, the ladies rise and return to the drawing-room. The gentlemen follow immediately, or remain a short time for another glass of wine, when such is the provision of the host. – From "Etiquette: An Answer to the Riddle When? Where? How??" By Agnes H. Morton

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Victorian Snobs

The London Spectator Explains Bad Manners:

Snobbishness the Cause of Society's Rudeness— The Steady Improvement 

                                                 

“Did you hear? The smart people gave up being formally polite and making bows and ‘graceful inclinations of assent’ when the middle class grew polite and shopboys and shopgirls adopted the etiquette of the old regime?”

No doubt manners just now appear to be growing uglier and ruder. It is, however, merely a conventional, and not a real roughness and rudeness. And the reason for it is plain. The manners of the upper classes in England are putting on a veneer of roughness, and adopting the use of "rustication," to employ the architectural phrase, for the same reason that society is always changing or tending to change its place of meeting in the park. That reason is the desire to get away, to keep separate from the herd.

The smart people gave up being formally polite and making bows and "graceful inclinations of assent" when the middle class grew polite and shop-boys and shop-girls adopted the etiquette of the old regime. When the manners of those below them in the social scale became thoroughly polite, the only way of escape was the adoption of a self conscious roughness. It became the right thing to say, "May I have a dance" in Mayfair, because at middle class balls a beautiful bow and a formal demand have become the fashion.

Haven't you heard? It's for the same reason that we're always changing, or tending to change, our place of meeting in the park? We need to get away, to "keep separate from the herd." 

Society is only apparently unmannerly because it is trying to dodge its humbler followers and arrange a set of conventions which will not be pirated. As soon, however, as its retreat is discovered, it will have to find a new device. Then, in all probability, we shall see a reaction in favor of formality and our young men and maidens will bow and simper and pass formal compliments after the manner of the eighteenth century. But, after all, these things are only externals, and really matter very little. The main fact is that our manners in essentials are growing less, not more, rough.

If we take the wider view of the social situation, we shall see that men are less, not more, disagreeable than they used to be. Let any one who doubts this compare the way men treat each other when alone to the way in which they acted 40 years ago. Tho old ideas of what was fair in the way of "roosting" a fool or a boor or a nervous man have completely changed, and few now can be found to defend the old fashioned style of practical joke. Theodore Hook was not counted a specially rude or discourteous man by his contemporaries. If he tried to practice his form of wit now he would not be tolerated for an hour in the society of well bred people, and no doubt if even in the stables, his ways would be counted possible. Instead of our manners decaying they are steadily improving.—The London Spectator, 1896 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and RSVPs

      

“Good breeding demands that an answer always be given to a question, unless the question be impertinent.” 

On Social Life and RSVPs

This week the question comes, “Is it necessary to send acceptance or regret to an invitation for a come and go reception?” Up to the present writing no definite answer to that particular question has been found in any books of etiquette that were accessible. However, perhaps a suggestion will be acceptable in lieu of a mere incontrovertible reply; and the suggestion is —“put yourself in her place.”


You have sent, out four hundred invitations bidding your friends come to you on a certain day or evening, you receive regrets from one hundred. Does that mean that three hundred are coming, or one-hundred-and-fifty, or in other words how many gallons of ice cream are you going to order; how much chocolate, or coffee or both shall you have made, and how many chickens, or lobsters, etc..., etc..., etc... ?


Mrs. J. Sherwood and various other authorities on the subject of social etiquette refer to the manner and style of wording acceptances or regrets to functions of one kind and another, as if the fact of answering in some way went without saying—it probably does. A matter of two minutes, a sheet of paper, envelope and postage stamp and the mailing is done. Why question it? Good breeding demands that an answer always be given to a question, unless the question be impertinent: why not then a reply to an invitation which is almost the least civility that can be paid to an invitation which is usually meant to be a courtesy?

Long before a stamped envelope and a reply card were added to wedding invitations, it was good manners to send a handwritten reply– “A matter of two minutes, a sheet of paper, envelope and postage stamp and the mailing is done. Why question it?” 

Mrs. Sherwood says: "In our new country the relations of men and women are necessarily simple. The whole business of etiquette is, of course, reduced to each one's sense of propriety, and the standard must be changed as the circumstances demand." Notwithstanding which, if you meet a friend in the street and she says: “I want you to meet some friends in my home such and such a time,'” you don't stand and stare at her, nor turn on your heel and leave her. Should not written invitations, even to a “come and go reception,” have as much attention as one given by word of mouth?
— Los Angeles Herald, 1895



Whether an answer's requested or not by the letters R.S.V.P. (repondez, sil vous plait—" answer, if you please"), it must be sent in a day or two, and written in the same formal style as the invitation, the acceptance of which may be thus expressed: "Mr. T. accepts with pleasure the polite invitation of Mrs. A. for the evening of _______ ."
A refusal should be written as follows: "Mr. T. regrets that he can not accept the polite invitation of Mrs. A. for the evening of ________."When an invitation is accepted, it must be, if possible, faithfully complied with. It is not seldom that an invited person takes an uninvited friend to a ball or evening dancing-party, but he ought not to do so without first asking permission of the giver of it. As he is not likely to be refused, he must hold himself entirely responsible for the character and conduct of his companion, who, previous to and after the party, should send a card. From “Bazar Book of Decorum” 1870

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Etiquette of Evening Parties

“Versailles” was a Gilded Age flatware pattern. This pattern was a “multi-motif, figural pattern” which made it very popular. The Gilded Age unofficially is believed to be the period between 1870-1900, though many people count the period all the way up to the U.S. involvement in WWI. “Gilding” is to cover, or coat, with gold, as many silver items were at the time. The period also got its name from the title of a book. “The Gilded Age: A Tale of Today” was an 1873 novel by Mark Twain and Charles Dudley Warner.

EVENING PARTIES
Evening parties are of various kinds, and more or less ceremonious, as they are more or less fashionable. Their object is or should be social enjoyment, and the manners of the company ought to be such as will best promote it. A few hints, therefore, in addition to the general maxims of good behavior already laid down, will suffice.                  

A married man should never accept an invitation from a lady in which his wife is not included. 

1. Invitations
Having accepted an invitation to a party, never fail to keep your promise, and especially do not allow bad weather, of any ordinary character, to prevent your attendance. A married man should never accept an invitation from a lady in which his wife is not included.

2. Salutations
When you enter a drawing-room where there is a party, you salute the lady of the house before speaking to any one else. Even your most intimate friends are enveloped in an opake (sic) atmosphere until you have made your bow to your entertainer. You then mix with the company, salute your acquaintances, and join in the conversation. You may converse freely with any person you meet on such an occasion, without the formality of an introduction.

The Vanderbilts at a Gilded Age, fancy dress, costume ball. The Vanderbilts were one of the richest American families at the time. 

3. Conversation 

When conversation is not general, nor the subject sufficiently interesting to occupy the whole company, they break up into different groups. Each one converses with one or more of his neighbors on his right and left. We should, if we wish to speak to any one, avoid leaning upon the person who happens to be between. A gentleman ought not to lean upon the arm of a lady’s chair, but he may, if standing, support himself by the back of it, in order to converse with the lady partly turned toward him. The members of an invited family should never be seen conversing one with another at a party. 

French leave is a leave of absence, without announcing one’s departure. This includes leaving a party without bidding farewell to the host. With food and entertainment like that of the Gilded Age, would one really want to leave early? An not thank the host and hostess?!?

4. French Leave 

If you desire to withdraw before the party breaks up, take “French leave” — that is, go quietly out without disturbing any one, and without saluting even the mistress of the house, unless you can do so without attracting attention. The contrary course would interrupt the rest of the company, and call for otherwise unnecessary explanations and ceremony. 

5. Sports and Games 

Among young people, and particularly in the country, a variety of sports or plays, as they are called, are in vogue. Some of them are fitting only for children; but others are more intellectual, and may be made sources of improvement as well as of amusement. Entering into the spirit of these sports, we throw off some of the restraints of a more formal intercourse; but they furnish no excuse for rudeness.  

You must not forget your politeness in your hilarity, or allow yourself to “take liberties,” or lose your sense of delicacy and propriety. The selection of the games or sports belongs to the ladies, though any person may modestly  propose any amusement, and ask the opinion of others in reference to it. The person who gives the party will exercise her prerogative to vary the play, that the interest may be kept up.   

If this were the proper place, we should enter an earnest protest against the promiscuous kissing which sometimes forms part of the performances in some of these games, but it is not our office to proscribe or introduce observances, but to regulate them. No true gentleman will abuse the freedom which the laws of the game allows; but if required, will delicately kiss the hand, the forehead, or, at most, the cheek of the lady. A lady will offer her lips to be kissed only to a lover or a husband, and not to him in company. 

A lady will offer her lips to be kissed only to a lover or a husband, and not to him in company. 

 

The French code is a good one: “Give your hand to a gentleman to kiss, your cheek to a friend, but keep your lips for your lover.” Never prescribe any forfeiture which can wound the feelings of any of the company, and “pay” those which may be adjudged to you with cheerful promptness. — From “How to Behave,” 1887

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Gilded Age Etiquette Primer

Ice Cream Fork in the Love Disarmed Pattern. The silver pattern is the most ornate of the Art Nouveau period: The Gilded Age unofficially is believed to be the period between 1870-1900, though many people count the period up to the U.S. involvement in WWI. Others say the era continued on until 1929 and the start of the Great Depression. “Gilding” is to cover, or coat, with gold, as many silver items were at the time. The period also got its name from the title of a book. “The Gilded Age: A Tale of Today” was an 1873 novel by Mark Twain and Charles Dudley Warner 

You may, as a general rule, decline invitations to dinner parties without any breach of good manners, and without giving offense, if you think that neither your enjoyment nor your interests will be promoted by accepting; or you may not go into what is technically called “society” at all, and yet you are liable, at a hotel, on board a steamer, or on some extraordinary occasion, to be placed in a position in which ignorance of dinner etiquette will be very mortifying and the information contained in this section be worth a hundred times the cost of the book.

We now proceed to note the common routine of a fashionable dinner, as laid down in books and practiced in polite society. On some points usage is not uniform, but varies in different countries, and even in different cities in the same country, as well as in different circles in the same place. For this reason you must not rely wholly upon this or any other manners book, but, keeping your eyes open and your wits about you, wait and see what others do, and follow the prevailing mode.

You must go to a dinner party in “full dress.” Just what this is, is a question of time and place. Strictly interpreted, it allows gentlemen but little choice. 

1. Invitations
Invitations to a dinner are usually issued several days before the appointed time—the length of time being proportioned to the grandeur of the occasion. On receiving one, you should answer at once, addressing the lady of the house. You should either accept or decline unconditionally, as they will wish to know whom to expect, and make their preparations accordingly.

2. Dress
You must go to a dinner party in "full dress." Just what this is, is a question of time and place. Strictly interpreted, it allows gentlemen but little choice. A black dress coat and trowsers (sic), a black or white vest and cravat, white gloves, and pumps and silk stockings were formerly rigorously insisted upon. But the freedom-loving "spirit of the age" has already made its influence felt even in the realms of fashion, and a little more latitude is now allowed in most circles.

The “American Gentleman's Guide” enumerates the essentials of a gentleman's dress for occasions of ceremony in general, as follows: “A stylish, well-fitting cloth coat, of some dark color and of unexceptionable quality, nether garments to correspond, or in warm weather, or under other suitable circumstances, white pants of a fashionable material and make, the finest and purest linen, embroidered in white, if at all; a cravat and vest of some dark or neutral tint, according to the physiognomical peculiarities of the wearer and the prevailing mode; an entirely fresh-looking, fashionable black hat, and carefully-fitted modish boots, white gloves, and a soft, thin, white handkerchief.” 

A lady's “full dress” is not easily defined, and fashion allows her greater scope for the exercise of her taste in the selection of materials, the choice of colors, and the style of making. Still, she must “be in the fashion.”

3. Punctuality
Never allow yourself to be a minute behind the time. The dinner can not be served till all the guests have arrived. If it is spoiled through your tardiness, you are responsible not only to your inviter (sic), but to his outraged guests. Better be too late for the steamer or the railway train than for a dinner!

4. Going to the Table
When dinner is announced, the host rises and requests all to walk to the dining-room, to which he leads the way, having given his arm to the lady who, from age or any other consideration, is entitled to precedence. Each gentleman offers his arm to a lady, and all follow in order. If you are not the principal guest, you must be careful not to offer your arm to the handsomest or most distinguished lady.

5. Arrangement of Guests
Where rank or social position are regarded (and where are they not to some extent?), the two most distinguished gentlemen are placed next the mistress of the house, and the two most distinguished ladies next the master of the house. The right hand is especially the place of honor. If it is offered to you, you should not refuse it. It is one of the first and most difficult things properly to arrange the guests, and to place them in such a manner that the conversation may always be general during the entertainment. If the number of gentlemen is nearly equal to that of the ladies, we should take care to intermingle them. We should separate husbands from their wives, and remove near relations as far from one another as possible, because being always together they ought not to converse among themselves in a general party.

The Vanderbilt's grand residence on Fifth Avenue in New York, taken on Easter Sunday, when everyone was strolling on “parade.” 

6. Duties of the Host
To perform faultlessly the honors of the table is one of the most difficult things in society; it might indeed be asserted, without much fear of contradiction, that no man has as yet ever reached exact propriety in his office as host. When he receives others, he must be content to forget himself; he must relinquish all desire to shine, and even all attempts to please his guests by conversation, and rather do all in his power to let them please one another. Help ladies with a due appreciation of their delicacy, moderation, and fastidiousness of their appetites; and do not overload the plate of any person you serve. 

Never pour gravy on a plate without permission. It spoils the meat for some persons. Do not insist upon your guests partaking of particular dishes; never ask persons more than once, and never put anything by force upon their plates. It is extremely ill-bred, though extremely common, to press one to eat of anything. 

The host should never recommend or eulogize any particular dish; his guests will take it for granted that anything found at his table is excellent. The most important maxim in hospitality is to leave every one to his own choice and enjoyment, and to free him from an ever-present sense of being entertained. You should never send away your own plate until all your guests have finished.

The second course is fish, which is to be eaten with a fork, and without vegetables. Obviously, these are for the fish course, however they would have only been used by the parvenus or those with “new money.” 

7. Duties of the Guests
Gentlemen must be assiduous but not officious in their attentions to the ladies. See that they lack nothing, but do not seem to watch them. If a “grace” is to be asked, treat the observance with respect. Good manners require this, even if veneration fails to suggest it. 

Soup will come first. You must not decline it; because nothing else can be served till the first course is finished, and to sit with nothing before you would be awkward. But you may eat as little of it as you choose. The host serves his left-hand neighbor first, then his right hand, and so on till all are served. Take whatever is given you, and do not offer it to your neighbor; and begin at once to eat. You must not suck soup into your month, blow it, or send for a second plate.

The second course is fish, which is to be eaten with a fork, and without vegetables. The last part of this injunction does not, of course, apply to informal dinners, where fish is the principal dish. Fish, like soup, is served but once. When you have eaten what you wish, you lay your fork on your plate, and the waiter removes it. 

The third course brings the principal dishes—roast and boiled meats, fowl, etc., which are followed by game. There are also side dishes of various kinds. At dessert, help the ladies near you to whatever they may require. Serve strawberries with a spoon, but pass cherries, grapes, or peaches for each to help himself with his fingers. You need not volunteer to pare an apple or a peach for a lady, but should do so, of course, at her request, using her fork or some other than your own to hold it.

We have said in our remarks on table manners in general, in a previous chapter, that in sending your plate for anything, you should leave your knife and fork upon it. For this injunction we have the authority of most of the books on etiquette, as well as of general usage. There seems also to be a reason for the custom in the fact, that to hold them in your hand would be awkward, and to lay them on the table-cloth might soil it; but the author of the "American Gentleman's Guide," whose acquaintance with the best usage is not to be questioned, says that they should be retained, and either kept together in the hand, or rested upon your bread, to avoid soiling the cloth. 

Eat deliberately and decorously (there can be no harm in repeating this precept), masticate your food thoroughly, and beware of drinking too much ice-water. If your host is not a “temperance man,” that is, one pledged to total abstinence, wine will probably be drunk. You can of course decline, but you must do so courteously, and without any reflection upon those who drink. You are not invited to deliver a temperance lecture. Where finger-glasses are used, dip the tips of your fingers in the water and wipe them on your napkin; and wet a corner of the napkin and wipe your mouth. Snobs sometimes wear gloves at table. It is not necessary that you should imitate them. 

The French fashion of having the principal dishes carved on a side-table, and served by attendants, is now very generally adopted at ceremonious dinners in this country, but few gentlemen who go into company at all can safely count upon never being called upon to carve, and the art is well worth acquiring. 

Ignorance of it sometimes places one in an awkward position. You will find directions on this subject in almost any cook-book; you will learn more, however, by watching an accomplished carver than in any other way. Do not allow yourself to be too much engrossed in attending to the wants of the stomach, to join in the cheerful interchange of civilities and thoughts with those near you. 

We must leave a hundred little things connected with a dinner party unmentioned; but what we have said here, together with the general canons of eating laid down in Chapter VI, (Section 7, “Table Manners”), and a little observation, will soon make you a proficient in the etiquette of these occasions, in which, if you will take our advice, you will not participate very frequently. An informal dinner, at which you meet two or three friends, and find more cheer and less ceremony, is much to be preferred. — From “How to Behave,” 1887

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia