All About Sushi Etiquette

An expert Itamae chef will take 5 – 10 years to understand their trade to become a skilled sushi chef using traditional preparation methods. So, take time out to do that bit of scrolling to find the perfect restaurant with it's own Itamae.

Sushi is not just a meal; it's a food art that the Japanese have perfected over centuries. It has been said it was a fast food for a particular social class from the Edo period (1600 – 1800’s) onwards. While the focus often lies on the skill of the sushi chef or ‘Itamae’ and the quality of fresh ingredients, understanding the nuances of sushi etiquette is important. Let’s explore the finer points of how to eat sushi properly.

Choosing the Right Restaurant: You can start your sushi journey by selecting a reputable sushi restaurant. An expert Itamae chef will take 5 – 10 years to understand their trade to become a skilled sushi chef using traditional preparation methods. So, take time out to do that bit of scrolling to find the perfect restaurant with it's own Itamae.

Traditional Japanese Sushi vs. Western Sushi: Sushi menus can be diverse, ranging from offering Japanese-style sushi to nigiri using three to four fresh ingredients. Conversely, western style, from sashimi to hand rolls, uses ingredients, various creamy toppings and extra condiments.

Chopsticks or Fingers?: Many think that chopsticks are an ultimate tool for enjoying sushi. However that is not the case in Japan. The Japanese prefer to hold sushi with the fingers, avoiding touching the rice or protein and directly holding the seaweed. If you want to use chopsticks hold them towards the ‘top’ or thicker ends and not in the middle. When picking up a piece of sushi, do so gently and avoid stabbing it.

Rice: Rice is the hero of the sushi story, rather than fish. The rice that is used in sushi is Japanese short-grain rice. This rice is also used to make sake and rice vinegar. Sushi rice, known as "shari" or "sumeshi," is made by washing short-grain Japanese rice to remove excess starch. After draining, the rice is cooked with water and rice vinegar, sugar, and salt. The cooked rice is then cooled and seasoned, creating a slightly sweet, sticky consistency perfect for making sushi.

Soy Sauce - Shoyu: When dipping sushi into soy sauce, please do it carefully without soaking the rice making it soggy consequently falling apart and it going splat! The Japanese way is to pick up the sushi (rice and salmon only) on it's side then turning the chopsticks, dip the fish side of the sushi into the soy sauce. If you are holding a piece of sushi with nori wrapped around it, then dip only one side only for sushi. Never mix wasabi and soy sauce or ginger with the soy sauce and finally never shake the soy sauce off the item you are about to eat.

Wasabi and Ginger: Wasabi is a Japanese type-horseradish and ginger is known as shouga. These two ingredients are not optional side extras as they are in Western restaurants. Wasabi is served as a light topping or within the sushi roll itself. Pickled ginger is a siding to help cleanse the palate; remember never to place ginger on the sushi, a big no-no. Instead, pick up the ginger between bite of sushi with your fingers.

Nori: Nori is a dried edible seaweed made from species of the red algae. It has a distinctive and memorable flavour, used to wrap rolls of sushi. A good Japanese restaurant will use the highest grade nori which is the most tenderest of all the grading of nori.

Eating at the counter or table?: Typically, Japanese diners opt for the counter due to its impact on temperature. Temperature fluctuations can notably influence the flavour and quality of both the protein and rice, making even minor variations a crucial factor in the sushi experience.

Typical Traditional Japanese Sushi: There are many traditional dishes that restaurants can serve and specialise in. Here are a few items on the menu that you could find: chirashizushi - scattered sushi, oshizushi - pressed sushi, nigirizushi - hand-pressed sushi, narezushi - matured (fermented) sushi, makizushi - rolled sushi and inarizushi - fried tofu pouch filled with sushi rice.

Western Japanese Sushi: Hand rolls like California or lobster rolls are designed to be eaten quickly. Here you will find ingredients such as Kewpie mayonnaise, avocado, cucumber and crab, which Japanese sushi chef Ichiro Mashita invented in 1960s Los Angeles due to not finding the type of fatty tuna found in Japan, replacing it with an equally oily yet fresh ingredient of avocado. Another modern invention is the much-loved Kewpie mayonnaise was created by Toichiro Nakashima to improve the health of the Japanese population in 1925.

By understanding the nuances of sushi, you can enhance your dining experience and pay homage to the rich cultural heritage behind this iconic Japanese cuisine. Itadakimasu or bon appetite, as they say in Japan.

For many years, Etiquipedia contributor, Elizabeth Soos, has had a keen interest in cultural customs. With her European background and extensive travel, Soos developed an interest in the many forms of respect and cultural expectations in the countries she has visited. With her 20 years’ experience in customer service within private international companies based in Australia, and her lifetime interest in manners and research, she decided to branch out into the field of etiquette and deportment. Through her self-directed studies and by completing the Train-The-Trainer’s course offered by Emma Dupont’s School of Etiquette in London and by Guillaume Rue de Bernadac at Academie de Bernadac based in Paris and Shanghai, she founded Auersmont School of Etiquette.

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Commuting Etiquette in Mumbai

Navigating these trains during rush hour, when the city is at its busiest, can be a heart-pumping exercise if you are new to this! However, with a bit of preparation and insider knowledge, you can turn this chaotic experience into a smooth journey.

Mumbai, the bustling financial, call centre and movie-making (Bollywood) capital of India, is known for its vibrant culture, diverse melting-pot population, and iconic local trains. Navigating these trains during rush hour, when the city is at its busiest, can be a heart-pumping exercise if you are new to this! However, with a bit of preparation and insider knowledge, you can turn this chaotic experience into a smooth journey. Here's your comprehensive guide to using Mumbai's local trains during rush hour. 

1. Understand the Mumbai Train Network: Before you embark on your rush hour adventure, familiarise yourself with the Mumbai local train network. These trains serve a larger number of stations and have longer routes, connecting different parts of the city and extending into the outskirts and out to cities such as Bangalore, Delhi or Ahmadabad. Tickets are less expensive than the metro, and the cost will change if you choose first, second-class or air-conditioned carriages. The city is served by three main lines – Western, Central, and Harbour. Each line connects different parts of the city and has its own set of stations. See the Wikipedia Map

2. Navigate the Local Metro Train Network: Mumbai has two types of train networks (formally known as Bombay). Mumbai suburban trains operate on traditional rail technology, while metro trains use modern rapid transit technology with features like driverless trains, all carriages are air-conditioned, and bags are searched upon entering the station. Being a relatively newer system, Metro trains may experience less crowding, especially during non-peak hours and are slightly more expensive. Metro lines are designed to connect specific routes to reduce travel time within the city. See Metro Train Map

3. Identify Your Route: Determine your starting and ending stations and the line you need to take. Mumbai locals operate on a slow and fast train system, with slow trains stopping at every station and fast trains skipping some stations. Plan your route accordingly to minimise travel time. I recommend you do this the day before you actually travel.

4. Check the Train Schedule: Mumbai locals run on a tight schedule, and knowing the train timings is crucial. Numerous apps and websites provide real-time information on train schedules, helping you plan your journey more efficiently. The best app to use is m-Indicator, which I have seen numerous locals use (myself included) on their phones to check the progress of their train so they don't miss their stops while scrolling or watching the occasional Bollywood movie. m-Indicator will also direct you to the platform that you need to be on if you are changing trains as many of signs are written in Hindi and can be unclear even to locals.

5. Purchasing a Ticket: Yes, for those that are not local...you might have to line up at the ticket counter! I have found that the one dispensing tickets is very helpful and quick. Here are some tips to get you to and back from your desired destination. Have the station name on your mobile ready to show if they cannot understand the name of the station you want to get to, also, have ready cash to pay for the ticket. Locals will become anxious if you start to dig around your bag holding up the line and may push in. You will also need to indicate whether you will be going one way or want a return ticket, and do you want to be in first class or second carriage?

6. Arrive Early: Rush hour in Mumbai is no joke, and trains can get incredibly crowded. Arrive at the station well in advance to secure a good spot in the line and increase your chances of finding a seat on the train. Mumbai locals have a designated ladies' compartment, especially during rush hours. If you're a woman or travelling with female companions, take advantage of this facility for a more comfortable journey. There will be signs along the breadth of the station to indicate where the carriage will stop for you to alight.

7. Mind the Gap: Be prepared for the mad rush when the train arrives. Westerners are used to standing clear of the doors and letting passengers alight before boarding. In Mumbai, it happens very differently; you will be pushed to go inside as the train. Please make sure that you take a step up onto the train; otherwise, like me, you can get your foot caught under, only to fall on the person in front of you. The train only waits a minute for passengers to alight. Keep valuables close to you, such as placing your bag in front of your body, so you can keep a one on it. Stay alert for your stop. Mumbai locals have a quick turnaround time at each station. Keep a close ear on announcements or your live app so you're ready to disembark. Get prepared early before you arrive at your stop, pushing your way near the door, so you get off before the train starts to leave for the next station.

8. Embrace the Chaos Whilst Travelling: When entering the train, if you have got on the train in peak time, there is a chance there will be no seats. The best place to stand, without getting shoved or yelled at, is in the aisle or walkway; if that is blocked with people, then you will have to stand between where people are seated. Comfortably, you will be able to stand three people in seated rows! If you are travelling non-peak, then you will be seated on metal or hard foam chairs; you may see people sitting on the floor or sleeping across seats. You will also get sellers bringing a huge hanging stand of products such as socks, scarves, earrings and essential items that you may not find at your local supermarket or bizarre. I have done my best shopping with these types of sellers.

Again, when in India it’s best to embrace the chaos, strike up a conversation with fellow commuters, and enjoy the unique experience that defines Mumbai's rush hour. While Mumbai's rush hour can be overwhelming, mastering the art of using local trains during this time is a rite of passage for anyone visiting or living in the city. With the right knowledge and a bit of patience, you can transform your commute into an adventure and appreciate the vibrant spirit of Mumbai. Safe travels!

For many years, Etiquipedia contributor, Elizabeth Soos, has had a keen interest in cultural customs. With her European background and extensive travel, Soos developed an interest in the many forms of respect and cultural expectations in the countries she has visited. With her 20 years’ experience in customer service within private international companies based in Australia, and her lifetime interest in manners and research, she decided to branch out into the field of etiquette and deportment. Through her self-directed studies and by completing the Train-The-Trainer’s course offered by Emma Dupont’s School of Etiquette in London and by Guillaume Rue de Bernadac at Academie de Bernadac based in Paris and Shanghai, she founded Auersmont School of Etiquette. Elizabeth is currently traveling throughout India and brushing up on her Hindi.

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Winning Place Settings from 2023

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Presenting the Third Annual Etiquipedia International Place Setting Competition 

Favorites for 2023

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Etiquipedia and Auersmont School of Etiquette and Protocol are happy to announce the winners have been chosen for the 3rd Annual Etiquipedia International Place Setting Competition!  

In honor of the late, great, Queen Elizabeth II and the new King Charles III and Queen Camilla, we made it a very British competition.

We hope to be posting the individual stories of the winners from 2023 shortly, but until then we are posting these photos of our favorite entrants’ tables.

There were some beautiful, elegant, period correct and colorful tables to choose from, along with some truly inspired menus.

Check back with us in 2024 to read all about the winners and their beautiful tables!

Congratulations to all the entrants and winners! 

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Down Syndrome

10 Tips for Polite Communication with a Person with Down Syndrome

It's Me - It's Only Down Syndrome

1. Be sure you make no sudden movements while approaching, or during your introduction to, a person with Down Syndrome. They become startled and fearful.

2. Treat those with Down Syndrome with respect, just as you would anyone else. People with Down Syndrome are sensitive, have feelings and emotions, just as others do.

3. When introducing yourself, give them time to process their thoughts and words regarding who you are. If a Down Syndrome person has trouble communicating, a caregiver, advocate or parent-guardian will usually step in to explain to them with sign language, or another means of communication, as to who you are, etc…

4. Patience is important when communicating with a Down Syndrome person. It takes them a while to process information, to understand a question and determine the correct answer.

5. During the course of introducing yourself to them, they may walk away, shake their head, and say “No,” or they may give you a hug. You never know! Just start your introduction again.

For a female version of the book click here

6. Down Syndrome people love to be included in social interactions. When introducing them to others, they may express themselves by waving, blowing kisses, hugging, facial expressions, etc... redirect them and then model the correct behavior.

7. Consider surroundings when communicating, socializing with Down Syndrome people. Use a quiet area for social interactions. Places which are busy and/or noisy are quite distractive for them.

8. Be precise, and use short sentences, with enough volume to communicate.

9. Do not interfere when they are communicating. This can become an awkward situation. They are doing their best!

10. Most of all, avoid being judgmental or making assumptions that all Down Syndrome people are the same. They have great sensitivity to the world around them. Please be kind!

“It's Me - It's Only Down Syndrome” (in both male and female versions) is first time author, etiquette enthusiast and founder of the Graceful Manners Academy, Carla M. West’s way of paying loving tribute to her wonderful and son. He was a boy who was full of joy and curiosity, who loved his husky dog, “Cookie,” and  who just also happened to have Down Syndrome. Etiquette and Dance Instructor, West, wanted people to know that her son was just like any other kid who loved to laugh, play and explore the world around him. Like any other kid, his feelings could get hurt as well. Brandon and his mom want every kid to know that kids with Down Syndrome are just like you - they just want to be loved!

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Lessons and Down Syndrome

It's Me - It's Only Down Syndrome male version and female version books 

     10 Tips for Teaching Manners to Down Syndrome Students 

As a mother of a Down Syndrome son, and an etiquette teacher, I have found that one approach does not work for every student. Each student is totally unique from the rest. And one has to be especially flexible to teach a Down Syndrome student what with additional medical and visual limitations.

1. The very first step is to find out how much your child knows or doesn’t know. You can have him or her professionally assessed, or use your notes from IEP meeting, and make your own determination. According to Washington.edu.com, “An ‘Individualized Education Plan’ (or Program) is also known as an IEP. This is a plan or program developed to ensure that a child with an identified disability who is attending an elementary or secondary educational institution receives specialized instruction and related services.” 

2. Speak to your child’s physician, teacher, therapist, optometrist, etc… Their assistance and support is helpful in determining what adjustments are needed to help your Down Syndrome student succeed. For example: Perhaps your Down Syndrome student needs to read at a 45° angle and not with the paper flat on the desk, because the eyes of Down Syndrome students can focus differently.

3. Determine if your child is a visual, auditory, gross motor learner, or a combination learner, etc... This will let you help you decide how to begin your lessons.

4. How does the child take in information? Does he or she repeat the sentence? Does he or she use sign language to process what you’re telling them? Can he or she follow a 1 step or a 2 step command? For example: pick up your toys; put on your shoes. If the Down Syndrome student cannot follow more than 2 steps in a row, then you know you cannot ask any more than a two step command. If it is limited to one step at a time, readjust your expectations but do not give up!

5. Show excitement when teaching a Down Syndrome student. Set them up for success, and tell them how they can benefit by learning a lesson.

6. Use books, photographs, models helps Down Syndrome students to understand the lesson.

7. Have a dedicated time you want to teach them. Down Syndrome students do well with structure.

8. Use a step-by-step approach to learning. Repeat and remind them often.

9. Distractions are a big concern when trying to keep Down Syndrome students on task, so remove any item, situation, noise that would prevent them from learning.

10. Lastly, have fun! Down Syndrome students have a lot of joy, and like to be entertained, so make it fun, they will learn. Try it out. We can always improvise!

Etiquette and Dance Instructor, and founder of the Graceful Manners Academy, Carla M. West, wanted people to know that her son was just like any other kid who loved to laugh, play and explore the world around him. Like any other kid, his feelings could get hurt as well. Brandon and his mom want every kid to know that kids with Down Syndrome are just like you - they just want to be loved! You can check out her book on Amazon here!

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Dinner Napkin Etiquette

The Five Uses of Dinner Napkins

Napkins are used as signals as wells as tools during a meal. If you've ever assumed you didn't need one, perhaps knowing the five uses of a napkin might help you reconsider.

1. The Napkin Begins a Meal

Your napkin signals the start of a meal. If you are hosting, you should lead the way by first placing your napkin in your lap so that your guests will follow suit.

Your napkin is placed to the left of the forks, or decoratively on the place setting

Pick up the napkin at the bottom right edge with your left hand

Lift your napkin off the table as it unfolds

Place the napkin, folded in half, on your lap with open edges toward your waist

2. Catches Crumbs

We don't often stop to think about the true purpose of placing a napkin in our laps. Until we spill or drop something. 

How wonderful when there is an extra piece of fabric in our lap to catch those little mishaps!

3. Wipes Mouth Edges

Gently wipe the sides of your mouth as needed to remove crumbs or sauces. 

If you hold your napkin so the inside of the top layer is used to wipe, you can avoid having a visibly stained napkin in your lap and keep the stain from jumping onto you or the tablecloth.

4. Contains Coughs and Sneezes

Napkins come in handy when you need to cough or sneeze at the table. Cover your mouth and nose with your napkin to help keep germs contained. 

However, if you can't stop coughing, or if that sneeze was a bit much, quickly excuse yourself and leave the table to take care of the issue.

5. Napkins End the Meal

When the meal is done, loosely fold your napkin and place it on the left side of your place setting. 

This signals to fellow diners and the wait staff that it is time for you to leave.

What Not to Do with a Napkin

Place it anywhere on your body other than your lap

Lay it on the plate at any time

Place it anywhere on the table other than to the left of your place setting

Blow your nose or wipe your face

Pick it up off the floor if you drop it when you are at a restaurant. (At a restaurant, you would kick it under the table.) Simply ask your waiter or host for a new one

Just toss it anywhere on the table as you leave

In a variety of ways, proper use of napkins keeps your meals flowing in an efficient manner. Used as a signal, or a functional tool, your napkin is a most welcome helper.

 Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at  http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Christmas Gift Etiquette and More

When you have received a gift it is rude to wait for weeks to acknowledge receipt. You should never omit thanking a person simply because you have waited so long you are ashamed to write.

☆Merry Christmas and More American Manners of 1947

1.-DO YOU THINK is January 9th too late to write and thank someone for a Christmas gift?- M. J., El Monte.

When you have received a gift it is rude to wait for weeks to acknowledge receipt. You should never omit thanking a person simply because you have waited so long you are ashamed to write. If you have sent a gift to someone and have received no acknowledgment it is correct to write and inquire if the gift was received. 

2. -HOW DOES ONE go about breaking a dinner engagement? G. F., Glendale,

If you find that some unexpected occurrence prevents you from keeping your dinner engagement, write a cordial note to your hostess at once. If there is no time to write, call the hostess by telephone, or send the note by messenger. One must have a genuine excuse for canceling a dinner invitation.

3. –WHAT ARE SOME don'ts for pedestrians?-E. F. G., Alhambra.

Here are some of the most important DON'TS for pedestrians. 

• Don't cross in front of red light. 

• Don't cross street in middle of block. 

• Don't dart forward after hiding behind a parked car and imagine that an oncoming driver can see you. 

• Don't, as the light changes when you are in the middle of the street, run back to the side from which you came.– By Nell Drake, 1947

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Mid 20th C. American Etiquette Advice

All persons who receive wedding invitations know that it requires a gift ... whether it is brought to the reception or mailed to the bride.

☆American Manners of 1947

1. -SHOULD WE EXPECT guests to bring gifts to our wedding reception?-L. C., Los Angeles.

If a person receives a wedding invitation it requires a gift. If he receives an invitation to the reception alone, it requires a gift. All persons who receive wedding invitations know that it requires a gift ... whether it is brought to the reception or mailed to the bride.

2. -WHAT IS CONSIDERED the proper amount to tip if eating in deluxe restaurants?-E. E., Los Angeles.

*The smallest tip you can give is 35 cents if you lunch alone for a bill of two dollars or less; 45 cents for a bill of about three dollars; 50 cents on a total of four dollars and 10 per cent above this. For two persons: add about 15 cents to each of the above sums.

3. -HOW DOES ONE recall an invitation?-F, A., Glendale.

If for illness or any other valid reason invitations have to be recalled the following forms are correct. They are always printed instead of engraved. “Owing to the sudden illness of their daughter Mr. and Mrs. John Jones are obliged to recall their invitations for Tuesday, the Tenth of June.” When temporarily postponing the event the regret reads “Mr. and Mrs. John Jones regret exceedingly that owing to the illness of Mrs. Jones the dance is temporarily postponed.” – By Nell Drake, 1947

*Tipping has gone up in percentages, just as the price of everything else in the United States has gone higher. Tipping of 18% to 20% is the most common range in a restaurant.

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🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Fashion of Dinner Service

There are several types of soups, therefore there are several types of soup bowls and soup plates, with appropriate soup spoons to go with each. Above is a low, wide bowled, “soup plate.” It is not referred to as a “soup bowl.” - “When the host helps the soup, a small ladleful for each person is the proper quantity, a soup plate should not be filled with soup.”

The usual and fashionable mode of serving dinner is called Dîner à la Russe, although at small or friendly dinners the host sometimes prefers to carve the joint himself in the first course, and the birds in the second course. But dinner-tables, whether for dining à la Russe, or for dining en famille, are invariably arranged in the same style, the difference being merely the extent of the display made as regards flowers, plate and glass, which are the accessories of the dining-table.

When the host helps the soup, a small ladleful for each person is the proper quantity, a soup plate should not be filled with soup.

When the party is a small one, and the joint or birds are carved by the host, the helps should be handed to the guests in the order in which they are seated, although occasionally the ladies are helped before the gentlemen.

The rule at all dinner-parties is for the servant to commence serving by handing the dishes to the lady seated at the host's right hand, then to the lady seated at the host's left hand, and from thence the length of the table to each guest in the order seated, irrespective of sex.

Double entrées should be provided at large dinner-parties, and the servants should commence handing the dishes at both sides of the table simultaneously.— From “Manners and Rules of Good Society or Solecisms to be Avoided,” 1898

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Dinner Table Etiquette

“Fish should be eaten with a silver fish-knife and fork.” – Not only were there special fish forks and knives for dining in the gilded age (to the far right and far left of the setting), there were special fish motif plate sets, as well.

Soup should be eaten with a table-spoon and not with a dessert-spoon, it would be out of place to use a dessert-spoon for that purpose. Dessert-spoons, as their name implies, are intended for other purposes, such as for eating fruit tarts, custard-puddings, etc..., or any sweet that is not sufficiently substantial to be eaten with a fork; but whenever a fork can be used it is best to use it.

Fish should be eaten with a silver fish-knife and fork.

All made dishes, such as quenelles, rissoles, patties, etc..., should be eaten with a fork only, and not with a knife and fork.

For sweetbreads and cutlets, etc..., a knife and fork are requisite; and, as a matter of course, for poultry, game, etc…

In eating asparagus, a knife and fork should be used, and the points should be cut off and eaten with a fork as is sea-kale, etc…

Salad should be eaten with a knife and fork, it is served on salad plates, which are placed beside the dinner-plates.

Cucumber is eaten off the dinner-plate, and not off a separate plate.

Peas should be eaten with a fork. 

Dîner à la Russe, is the Russian fashion introduced into society many years ago. The whole of the dinner is served from a side-table, no dishes whatever being placed on the table save dishes of fruit.— From “Manners and Rules of Good Society or Solecisms to be Avoided,” 1898

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Dinner Table Decorations

The Duke of Buckingham on HBO’s “The Gilded Age” appears to be flummoxed by the nut pick set above the dinner plate. Normally, the nut pick would be brought out with the fruit knife and finger bowl on the dessert plate. 

As regards the most correct style of dinner-table decorations they offer great diversity of arrangement.

High centre pieces, and low centre pieces. Low specimen glasses placed the length of the table and trails of creepers and flowers laid on the table-cloth itself are some of the prevailing features of the day, but table decorations are essentially a matter of taste rather than of etiquette, and the extent of these decorations depends very much upon the size of the plate chest, and the length of the purse of the dinner giver.

The fruit for dessert is usually arranged down the centre of the table, amidst the flowers and plate. Some dinner-tables are also adorned with a variety of French conceits besides fruit and flowers ; other dinner-tables are decorated with flowers and plate only, the dessert not being placed on the table at all; but this latter mode can only be adopted by those who can make a lavish display of flowers and plate in the place of fruit.

For the purposes of lighting, lamps or silver candelabra with wax candles are used, according to the wealth of the dinner giver. Both lamps and candles are usually shaded with coloured shades, as they produce a pretty effect, and prevent the guests being incommoded by too close a proximity to the glare occasioned by some dozens of candles or by brilliant lamps, therefore shades are considered indispensable.

Electric light and electric lamps are now greatly the fashion, and offer many advantages.

The term “cover” signifies the place laid at table for each person, and the menu cards are elaborate or simple, accord- ing to individual taste, and are purchased printed for the purpose, having a space for the names of the dishes to be filled in, which is usually done by the mistress of the house, unless the establishment is on a large scale, it being usual to write them out in French.

Fanciful menu holders are much in use.

The use of menu would be pretentious at a small dinner- party when there is but little choice of dishes; but when there is a choice of dishes a menu is indispensable. — From “Manners and Rules of Good Society or Solecisms to be Avoided,” 1898

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Young Folks, 1905

 

When school is over, go directly home. Do not linger in the school-yard to play.

Do not borrow anything if you can possibly avoid it. If you must borrow a book, paper or pencil, remember that you are making use of another person's property. Be careful not to injure the borrowed article, and return it at the earliest possible moment. Never forget to return anything you have borrowed. Remember that to keep what does not belong to you is dishonest.

When you have candy, share it with those about you. If you have an apple to eat at recess, give at least one bite to the girl or boy standing beside you. Be sure that you eat the apple during recess, and not in school hours.

Do not ask questions about what does not concern you. Never ask any personal question unless you are sure the person addressed will be perfectly willing to answer it. Do not ask what was paid for anything, especially an article of dress.

What about the school-yard? School begins at nine o'clock in the morning. You are not expected to be there until that time. You are not wanted in or about the school building an hour beforehand. If the teachers are there, they are busy, and have no time to look after you. Never get to school before half-past eight; really thoughtful pupils will stay away until a quarter before nine.

When school is over, go directly home. Do not linger in the school-yard to play.

The schoolroom is no place for rough or noisy manners of any kind. The bell rings for recess or the close of school, and out you go. You may go quickly, but this does not mean that you should rush out boisterously, push- ing those about you, and shouting. You could not imagine your fathers and mothers leaving church that way. They are gentlemen and gentlewomen such as you wish to become. —From “The Young Folks' Book of Etiquette,” 1905

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Card-Leaving Etiquette

A late 19th C. receipt from Montgomery Bros. (once known as “the Tiffany’s of LosAngeles”) for a steel plate for engraving calling or visiting cards, for a Mary Anne Martin, aka Mrs. William Martin of San Dimas California.

Between ladies the etiquette of card-leaving is very strictly followed and punctiliously observed in all its laws. Some ladies labour under the mistake of supposing that on their arrival in town or elsewhere, their acquaintances should first call on them, but common sense would alone point to the contrary, even if there were no etiquette in the matter; as friends cannot be supposed to guess at this fact, they require to be informed of it by means of visiting cards. 

Visiting cards should be left in person, and should not be sent by post, unless the distance is considerable, when it is permissible to do so. Under certain circumstances a servant might be allowed to leave them for his mistress, delicate health, distance, or unfavourable weather would be perhaps sufficient and good reasons for sending cards by a servant: but, as a rule, ladies invariably leave their cards themselves. 

It was formerly the custom, on arriving in town for ladies having a large acquaintance to send their visiting cards to their various friends and acquaintances by a man-servant, but this practice is now more unusual than usual, it being found more satisfactory for ladies to leave cards themselves. Ladies arriving in town or country should leave cards on their acquaintances and friends to intimate that they have arrived, or returned home, as the case may be. –From Manners and Rules of Good Society or Solecisms to. Be Avoided, 1898

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Early 20th C. Etiquette for Children

Crossness at the table is the height of bad manners.

A gentleman or gentlewoman is always clean, and neatly dressed. This rule applies equally to the boy and girl. Neatness in dress is necessary to self-respect. If a girl owns but one hair ribbon and a single bit of lace, she can launder these herself, so that she may look neat. Work is perfectly respectable; untidiness is a disgrace. Any boy can own a ten-cent box of shoe-blacking. He can use it, too, blacking the heels of his shoes as well as the toes.

Before leaving your room after you are dressed, see that everything is in nice order. Spread the bedclothes over the foot of the bed. Shake up the pillows and place them on a chair. Then throw the window open wide. In winter, be sure that the register is closed or the steam turned off, so that no heat may be wasted while the room is being aired.

Give a cheery “Good-morning,” to every one you meet. Never mind whether there is sunshine or rain out- of-doors; carry sunshine with you wherever you go.

Be pleasant at the breakfast table. If you do not care for oatmeal and mother insists that it is good for you, eat it sensibly, without grumbling. If you do not like what is provided, either eat it or go without. In any case, be good-natured about it. Crossness at the table is the height of bad manners. —From “The Young Folks' Book of Etiquette,” 1905

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

The British Pudding Course

From the book, “What have we here?”

A British silver-plate, “double decker” pudding set, with 6 pudding spoons, 6 pudding forks, a serving spoon and a serving fork. - The “pudding course” is the British equivalent of the American “dessert course” or “French sweets” course.

The two meanings of "pudding":

"Pudding" can refer generically to the sweet, final course of a meal, what Americans know as "dessert." (Because it's the UK, this has class implications. Nancy Mitford, in a famous essay comparing the speech of upper-class Britons with everyone else, categorized "pudding" as used by the elite and "sweet" as used by the proletariat)

But a pudding can also be a specific dish and a British pudding still isn't the same as an American one. American puddings are closer to what the Brits would call "custard."

A British pudding is a dish, savory or sweet, that's cooked by being boiled or steamed in something: a dish, a piece of cloth, or even animal intestine. The earliest puddings, in this sense of the word, were sausages; black pudding, a type of sausage made with pig's blood, is sometimes included in a traditional English breakfast.

Other puddings are sweet, such as "spotted dick" - a sort of steamed cake with currants that's barely sweet and, like many puddings, flavored with suet, or beef fat, rather than butterJam roly- poly, or roly-poly pudding, is traditionally steamed; it consists of a pastry made with suet, spread with jam, and rolled up.

And just to make things a bit more confusing, some dishes are referred to as "puddings" that are sometimes baked but formerly were boiled or steamed. The best example is sticky toffee pudding, a date cake with caramel sauce that's traditionally steamed but is now often baked. (It also might originally be Canadian, not British) - From Libby Nelson on Vox

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Wedding Traditions and Superstitions

From the “Gilded Age,” which truly was the golden age of flatware design, comes and 1895 advertisement for Pairpoint Manufacturing Company, placed in Harper’s Bazaar Magazine. It was touting the etiquette correctness of using the proper serving accoutrements for “Luxurious Fruits” and the “Garden’s Tempting Dainties.” These gilded age utensils are some of the most popular antique flatware pieces and sets sold on sites like Ruby Lane, eBay and Etsy. Their diminutive size and uniqueness make them an ideal wedding gift and they were so plentiful, it’s often easy to find some which match, or mix and match, with a pattern they have registered for or already own.

With all of the variables involved in planning and executing the picture perfect wedding, (i.e. Will it be raining or will the sun shine? Will certain family members call a ‘cease-fire’ for the day? Will more guests than those who “r.s.v.p.’d” actually show up? Will I make a fool of myself and trip down the aisle?) it’s no wonder that brides have for so long, maintained that time honored tradition of calling for good luck on their big days, with the use of one easily recited poem. 

All together now; “Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue”. Yes, it is very easy to remember, even easier to recite, and for some strange reason that I can’t understand, reserved just for the wedding day itself. With that in mind, I have a truly novel idea for today’s bride to be. Why just reserve the call for good luck for your big day? Why not also spread your wishes for good luck, all throughout the planning and partying stages of your impending nuptials? 

Incorporating the Victorian Era’s superstition-based prose of those somethings old, new, borrowed and blue, in your plans, certainly couldn’t hurt anything. It might even bring you more luck, by sparking a sudden burst of creativity that can carry you smoothly, from the start of the engagement to all the way down that aisle. Just think of the possibilities. Why, I can think of four already. Here’s just one:

“Something old” is actually one of the fastest growing trends of bridal registry in recent years. Old silver patterns are hot, especially among the couples who have already made one or two trips down the aisle before. According to those who track retail trends, registering for Continental sized flatware and previously archaic sounding or obsolete serving pieces, have made a big comeback in the last few years. Big enough that silver sales online are booming on sites like Ruby Land, eBay and Etsy, and silver manufacturers are dusting off some of those patterns that were previously discontinued for numerous years, and are producing them once again. 

Ornate and showy pieces from the era of opulence, the Gilded Age, are gracing the dining tables of newlyweds at a head-spinning pace. Who are the couples that are selecting styles like the elaborate, art nouveau period designed “Love Disarmed”, or more masculine appealing “Lion” pattern, for their wedding gift registry? Those who already have the toaster, not to mention the entire kitchen, and who possibly didn’t get the good stuff the first time around. They are the couples who are registering for sets of individual salt spoons, asparagus tongs, orange spoons, and ice cream forks. For entertaining in style as newlyweds, they would like pâté servers, aspic servers, jelly roll cake servers, and fish slices. 

These brides and their grooms making such tasteful selections for their new lives together, are more settled financially, as are their friends, who are obligingly snapping up the pricey gifts for the lovebirds. The trend is so hot, even wedding fashion designer to the A-list celebrity crowd, Vera Wang weighed in with her own line of flatware. However it just doesn’t hold a candle to the splendor and luster of the grand designs of yesteryear that have found a whole new legion of followers. 

So when you are doing your registering, keep in mind this century old missive from one silver manufacturer’s advertisement promoting sales of its petite silver berry forks, “Luxurious fruits and the garden’s tempting dainties are made more appetizing if correctly served”. 

If you remain superstitious however, the original Victorian poem does have one oft forgotten line at the end you might want to heed. The actual wording was; “Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue, and a silver sixpence in her shoe”. The last line is one which many brides aren’t even aware of, and it’s no wonder to me. I’m guessing that over the years, brides have happily ignored it, even if they did know of it. After all, what bride really wants to push her luck, hobbling around in brand new designer shoes for an entire day with a coin stuck in one of them? — From an article by Etiquipedia Site Editor, Maura J. Graber, for Inland Empire. Magazine, 2007

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia