Table for One: A Hostess Sat Alone

As one of the guests said, “it was too deliciously funny to resent, and the smile which I could not repress I saw reflected from most of the other faces of the company about me.”

At a pretty dinner given recently, the guests, numbering forty, were seated, eight each, at five round tables. Each table was decorated with one variety of flower, and on arriving each guest was presented with a small bouquet of the flowers corresponding to those on the table at which he was to find his place. The table where the host and hostess were seated was placed at such an angle as to command a view of the company by one or the other of them.

This keeping in touch with the guests is a difficulty encountered by all givers of large dinners. In this regard, a New-York woman not long ago quite overreached herself. So puzzled was she at which table to sit herself, that she finally cut the Gordian knot by dining alone at a small table placed in the centre of her guests. As one of the guests said, “it was too deliciously funny to resent, and the smile which I could not repress I saw reflected from most of the other faces of the company about me.”– The New York Times, 1892

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Dinners, Dress and More

Those white gloves on the footman or butler are incorrect! –“Everything in a well-ordered household is supposed to be clean, including the hands of the domestics, and the use of white gloves is not permissible. First-class butlers and footmen do not wear mustaches.”

 

Dress– A woman’s dinner dress should be décolleté, and for a man evening dress is always de rigueur.

The butler wears a dress suit with white tie. The footman, or second man, wears the livery of the family, or, in default of that, a coat of dark color, with brass buttons, and a bright-colored striped waistcoat.

The dining-room maid wears a plain black dress, a white apron that covers completely the front of her skirt, a linen collar and deep cuffs, and a small white cap, with or without strings, but no crown. Everything in a well-ordered household is supposed to be clean, including the hands of the domestics, and the use of white gloves is not permissible. First-class butlers and footmen do not wear mustaches.

Arrival– Guests are expected at the hour mentioned in the invitation, and should be as near that time as possible. In large cities, where distances are great and exact time difficult to calculate, a little grace is allowed, but the hostess is not expected to wait longer than fifteen minutes for a tardy guest. It is considered a breach of etiquette to be late, and the assumption is, when this occurs, that the delay is unavoidable and will be indefinite, and so the other guests should not be inconvenienced.

At large dinners a gentleman finds in the dressing-room, or a servant passes to him before he enters the drawing-room, a tray holding small addressed envelops. He selects the one bearing his own name, and finds on an inclosed card the name of the lady he is to take to the table. The letter R or L in the corner of the card denotes whether he will find his place on the right or left of the table from the entrance. If he does not know the lady, he should tell the hostess, so that he may be presented to her. 

The hostess stands near the door to receive her guests, and such introductions follow as can conveniently be made. If general introductions are omitted, guests are expected to act as though acquainted, and speak to whomever they may be near. This rule holds good for all entertainments in some countries, but Americans continue a reserve except at dinners, where barriers to ease and pleasure must not exist. 

The hostess does not knowingly bring together people who object to meet one another, but in such an event the acquaintanceship need not extend beyond the evening, and good breeding requires a courteous recognition of the friends of the hostess while under her roof.

The butler keeps count of the arrival of expected guests, and announces dinner shortly after all are in the drawing-room. In case of a tardy guest, he waits for the hostess to order the dinner served. 

Announcement–He then enters the room, and, looking at the host or hostess, says, “Dinner is served,” or “Madam is served,” or simply bows to the hostess.

The host then offers his right arm to the lady who is to sit at his right, and leads the way into the dining-room; the other couples follow in any order that is convenient. 

Precedence– The hostess, with the gentleman she honors with the seat at her right, are the last to leave the drawing-room. If a distinguished man is present, it is to him this courtesy is shown. Except in official and diplomatic circles, there is no other rule of precedence. If the President of the United States or a royal personage were being entertained, the hostess with this dignitary would then precede the others.

At each cover is laid a card on which is distinctly written the name of the person who is to occupy that place. Confusion is thus avoided in seating the guests. It has been a fashion to have these cards artistic and elaborate in design, but at present plain gilt-edged cards stamped with the family crest or monogram are more generally used.

Departure– When the dinner is finished, the gentlemen return to the drawing-room with the ladies, and then withdraw to the smoking-room for half an hour. Shortly after their return to the drawing-room the guests take their leave. If guests of honor are present, they are the first to go. – Century Cook Book, 1895

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Etiquette of Seating at Table

“Society as I have found it,” the 1890 book by social arbiter, Ward McAllister, detailing the doings of Post Civil War society and Gilded Age society, in the United States and abroad.

The Boston fashion adopted here for years, of one’s finding, on entering the house in which he was to dine, a small envelope on a silver salver in which was enclosed a card bearing on it the name of the lady assigned to him to take him to dinner, though still in use, is, however, going out of fashion. We are returning to the old habit of assigning the guests in the drawing-room.

In going to dinner, there is but one rule to be observed. The lady of the house in almost every case goes in last, all her guests proceeding her, with this exception, that if the President of the United States dines with you, or Royalty, he takes in the lady of the house, preceding all of the guests. When no ladies are present, the house should ask the most distinguished guest, or the person to whom the dinner is given, to lead the way into dinner, and he should follow all the guests. The cards on the plates indicate his place to each one. By gesture alone, the host directs his guests to the dining room, saying aloud to the most distinguished guest, “Will you kindly take the seat on my right?”

The placing of your guests at table requires an intimate knowledge of society. It is only by constant association that you can know who are congenial. If you were assigned one you are indifferent to, your only hope lies in your next neighbor; and with this hope and fear you enter the dining room, not knowing who that will be. At the table conversation should be crisp; it is in bad taste to absorb it all. Macauley, at a dinner, would so monopolize it, that the great wit, Sydney Smith, said he did not distinguish between monologue and dialogue.— Ward McAllister, 1890

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia