Summer Attire Etiquette

On Summer Dressing: 

Don’t do that. Do this instead...

This article is part of Polished Professioals, “Don’t do that. Do this instead” series.

“Summertime, and the livin’ is easy…” 

Early 20th C. Beach Attire

The rest of this lyric is “Fish are jumpin’, and the cotton is high”**.  And no where is cotton (rayon, spandex, denim…you name it) higher than in summertime.

Before I begin, I would like to make a few things clear:

This is NOT a post about: how you dress for a picnic or a night out.
This IS a post about: our work lives and the perception of professionalism.

Strip down to the ‘bare’ essentials: 

DON’T DO THAT

When the temperatures and humidity start to soar the temptation to rid ourselves of all (or almost all) our clothes is understandable. The mere idea of being constrained in long sleeves, closed shoes or trousers is enough to make us hot and bothered.  However tempting it is to don your shorts and flip-flops and head to the office, don’t.

DO THIS INSTEAD: Find a balance

I know it can be tricky to find a balance between keeping cool and looking professional but trust me, it’s worth it.

Comfort vs. Credibility

I notice, every year, that many people use the excuse of summer, and hot weather, not just to wear fewer and/or cooler clothes but to abandon dress-sense entirely.   I know it’s hot, and I know that much of our more professional clothing can be restrictive. However, are you prepared to gain comfort at the risk of losing credibility?

The impact that our clothing has, both on those around us and ourselves, is something I find fascinating. What I find even more fascinating is that some people think it’s inconsequential; either that it doesn’t really matter or that they should just be allowed to ‘be who they are/wear what they want’, no matter what. It’s a fair point in some ways, we should be allowed to be who we are, but there’s a but. There’s always a but. In this case the but is that what we wear matters, and does have an impact on how others see us.

How we dress affects not just how others see us but how we view ourselves. When we dress down we not only project a lack of professionalism outwardly but we also suffer from it internally.

Even your subconscious notices the difference between your shorts/flip-flops combo and your best suit: have you ever noticed that you stand up a little straighter, behave a little better, and try harder not to spill on yourself when you’re wearing your ‘good’ clothes?  …and if your subconscious is paying attention then you better believe the person (boss, colleague, client) standing in front of you is.

Given that it always pays to look professional – even in hot, summer months – think about using some of these tips:

• Choose lighter weight, breathable fabrics such as linen or cotton
• Have a few pieces with a slightly looser fit; this helps in humid weather particularly
• Opt to keep your jacket and tie off until you need to wear them
• Pair a sleeveless dress or top with a light jacket or cardigan
• Keep your ‘work’ shoes at the office and change when you get there (this goes for both men and women)

Trust me when I say it’s worth making the effort. Sure, you might have to suffer a little along the way but the payoff – being the person who gets noticed for staying polished and professional at all times – will be worth it.

If you’d like to read more about the psychology behind dressing and appearance, take a look these articles:

• ‘What your clothes might be saying about you’ from Psychology Today
• ‘When clothing style influences cognitive style’ from The Association for Psychological Science

Hilary Robinson is the Senior Trainer and Owner of Polished Professionals in Toronto, Canada. With her background, spent running events for Prime Ministers, CEOs and academics (in the UK and Canada), one might think that she’s all about following the rules. However, she prefers to train people to understand their parameters, what it means to follow them, what advantages there are in knowing how and when to bend them, and the value in using good manners to put others at ease. With 20 years working worldwide in events and communications, Hilary believes manners and courtesy are not only powerful communication tools but the foundations on which self-confidence and success grow.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Politely Accepting Compliments

 Don’t do that. Do this instead.

While most of us like hearing compliments, not many of us feel comfortable receiving them... This article is part of Hilary Robinson’s “Don’t do that. Do this instead series.”

Compliments are lovely. We all like to hear nice things about ourselves, don’t we?

While most of us like hearing compliments, not many of us feel comfortable receiving them.

Justify a compliment: DON’T DO THAT

Instead of being left with a sense of accomplishment when someone pays us a compliment we find ourselves slightly embarrassed; we stumble for words, look at our feet and probably mutter something self-deprecating.

Often the conversations go something like this:

‘Job well done!’ …‘Oh, I was just doing my job.’

‘You look gorgeous!’ …‘Oh, I, um…in this old thing?’

‘Great presentation.’ …‘Oh, anyone could have done that.’

Not only does this leave us feeling slightly embarrassed but it also leaves the person giving the compliment feeling awkward and takes away from their good intentions. When we make excuses and try to rationalize the compliment we run the risk of turning it into a much bigger ‘event’ than the other person intended.

DO THIS INSTEAD: Say ‘thank you’

There is, however, a lovely, simple and gracious way to deal with the situation: say ‘thank you’. That’s all you have to do. You don’t have to expound, you don’t have to justify why, you just need to say thank you.

‘Job well done!’ …‘Thank you.’

‘You look gorgeous!’ …‘Thank you.’

‘Great presentation.’ …‘Thank you.’

Keep in mind that people don’t have to say anything; so when they pay you a compliment, pay them the compliment of accepting it graciously.

Skeptical?

You’re now asking yourself if it’s really that easy, aren’t you? Well, I gave this advice to my lovely friend Karen, and here’s what she told someone else about our conversation…and in doing so, she paid me a compliment (thank you, Karen):

“I once mentioned to Hilary that I found it very difficult to accept compliments. Every time anyone said something positive to me, about me I found myself denying it, justifying myself or making a joke. Which inevitably ruined the intent of the comment and sometimes made things awkward. Hilary looked at me and said, ‘All you have to do is say thank you’. Simple, obvious, brilliant. I trusted Hilary and tried it out, it works. In one sentence she solved what was becoming a regular stumbling block in my professional and personal interactions.”

An especially big thank you to my mum, who taught it to me in the first place.

Use these two simple words and you will be thought of as gracious, polished and professional.

Hilary Robinson is the Senior Trainer and Owner of Polished Professionals in Toronto, Polished Professionals Canada. With her background, spent running events for Prime Ministers, CEOs and academics (in the UK and Canada), one might think that she’s all about following the rules. However, she prefers to train people to understand their parameters, what it means to follow them, what advantages there are in knowing how and when to bend them, and the value in using good manners to put others at ease. With 20 years working worldwide in events and communications, Hilary believes manners and courtesy are not only powerful communication tools but the foundations on which self-confidence and success grow.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Remembrance Day Etiquette

After the First World War, the poppy was adopted as a symbol of Remembrance. Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae was inspired by the sight of poppies growing in battle-scarred fields to write a now famous poem called 'In Flanders Fields', in the spring of 1915, shortly after losing a friend, a Canadian doctor, in Ypres, Belgium. 

The Eleventh Hour

By Hilary Robinson

"For me, the phrase ‘the eleventh hour, of the eleventh day, of the eleventh month’ has always held great power and significance. It represents not only history – the end of the Great War, the First World War, the ‘war to end all wars’ – but also the moment in modern life when we are meant to stop, reflect and remember.

However, I have noticed that in my lifetime (and I’m not that old) many people have ‘stopped stopping’ for those two minutes, that they don’t always take the time for this small observance; instead they plough through, ignoring it or simply forgetting to pause. Not only are they themselves missing an opportunity to stop and reflect, but they are often actively intruding on those who do want to mark that time with silence.

In our constant modern rush we very rarely stop, let alone in silence and stillness. I truly believe that we owe it not only to history but to the future, to pause and reflect for those two minutes – perhaps more now than ever.

The power of the two-minute silence is that it is based in humanity. It is time to reflect on what we owe all the men and women, past and present, who have helped shape our country both in times of war and times of peace. They lived through experiences we can never imagine; recognizing this and showing our gratitude is the least we can do.

Here are a few things that you can do, not only to help you stop for those few minutes but also encourage others to do the same.

A Reminder to Remember

Set an alarm/reminder on your mobile or computer. When we get busy, time can rush past. Setting the reminder will ensure you know to stop what you’re doing.

In the Office

Set the tone and expectations: send out a communication, first thing tomorrow morning, reminding everyone to stop for those few minutes at 11:00am, and encourage everyone to participate.

During Meetings

Start late: If you have a meeting set for 11:00, change the start time to 11:05 and let attendees know why.
Start early: Set the start time for 10:50 so that everyone is in the room and can observe together; there is enormous power in the silence of a group.

If your meeting runs over 11:00am, then put that two-minute observation in the agenda; let everyone know at the start that this will happen, set a reminder on your telephone and make sure to stop.

At Home

Many of us work from home. Even if you are on your own I encourage you to stop for those two minutes. No just being silent but actually stopping, being still and reflecting.
If you are home with children this is not only a good opportunity to instill the importance of stopping, reflecting and respecting, but also to talk about what has happened in our collective past and what we want for the future.

Remembrance Day Ceremonies

If you have the opportunity, I encourage you to attend a local Remembrance Day ceremony. There is nothing more powerful than observing this day together.

I encourage you to find a way to stop, if possible, but however you chose to spend those two minutes, please keep in mind others around you.

Now, more than ever, these words ring out to me: Lest We Forget."

Hilary Robinson is the Senior Trainer and Owner of Polished Professionals in Toronto, Canada. With her background, spent running events for Prime Ministers, CEOs and academics (in the UK and Canada), one might think that she’s all about following the rules. However, she prefers to train people to understand their parameters, what it means to follow them, what advantages there are in knowing how and when to bend them, and the value in using good manners to put others at ease. With 20 years working worldwide in events and communications, Hilary believes manners and courtesy are not only powerful communication tools but the foundations on which self-confidence and success grow.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Hilary Robinson on Etiquette and Grief

How to Help Friends in Grief

Early 20th C. Black mourning attire for a woman– 

Give some thought to the way in which one deals with having friends who are in mourning.

“I wrote this several years ago (although have little memory of doing so) but because the subject is too often part of our lives, and advice about it is often wanted but not sought out, I thought it was worth re-posting.”– Hilary Robinson

I’ve recently been on the receiving end of condolences and it has caused me to give some thought to the way in which we deal with having friends who are in mourning.

The conclusion of a life is a strange time for all those involved, not just immediate family but friends, acquaintances, work colleagues and even people we see casually or sparingly throughout life – the friendly dry-cleaner, the nice woman at the deli. No one really knows what to say, what to do or how to act, including the person doing the grieving.

I had this pointed out to me afresh the other day. Someone I haven’t seen or spoken to since all this happened sent me an instant message saying “how are you? how’s the family?”.

I, in my still slightly foggy state, couldn’t remember when we’d last spoken and couldn’t actually remember if he knew my news. What to do? It seemed blunt to just come out with it and stupid to beat around the bush so I took a half-way approach and said that I was fine but mourning was a tiring business. He, because he knew of the underlying situation, understood immediately and sent his condolences but, poor thing, was then completely stymied about what to say next. He felt badly because to his mind he didn’t have the ‘right’ words. He felt like he should say something profound.

Should I call?

Telephone calls can be difficult so unless you are very close to the person grieving stick to writing a note. Aside from the fact that there are many arrangements that need to be made in the first few weeks (all by telephone) it is also a much more wearisome thing for the person having to say “I’m fine thank you” or “We’re about as you’d expect” and so on.

When they are ready for calls, they will let you know.

Should I write?

I think many people are put off writing letters of condolence because they don’t know what to say. Somehow they think they need to be profound and have the ‘right’ words, or they think they’ll sound stupid, overly-sentimental or that the person they are writing to won’t want to be reminded of the situation.

I can only speak to my own experience, but I feel sure it’s not unique: it was lovely to get notes, letters and emails; it was lovely to know that the person I loved, respected, admired and missed so much, was loved and missed by others and that friends had me in their thoughts.

If you find yourself in a situation where someone you care about has lost someone they care about, write to them. They will, eventually, be glad to have it; it may even be passed to other generations – we still have all the letters written to my grandmother after my grandfather died and they give me an insight into someone who exists only on the edges of my memory.

If you think you would struggle with what to say in your letter, card or email (in these cases hand-written is so much nicer, but email works too), here are some places to start – it’s not necessarily easy, but it’s not necessarily meant to be:

If you were well acquainted with the person who died and spent time with them:

Include a few of your memories of them, such as: “I remember when we…” or “I still laugh when I think of…”

Talk about their character or personality “I always admired the way he…”

Don’t be afraid to say that you too will miss them: “I’ll miss the way she brightened up a room”.

If you really only know the person or people left behind simply speak to their sense of loss and/or use things that you know about the person who has died:

You can use phrases such as, “I know you will miss his tenacity and strength of character” or simply, “I know how much you will miss her.”

There are a few things that it’s best to steer clear of, at least for the first while:

Talking about it being a release; best for the person who has gone; that they have been relieved of their suffering. All this may be true but it doesn’t take away from the reality that a much loved person was taken “too soon”, for whatever reason – keeping in mind that too soon can be from 0 to 102 – and that this pill is a bitter one to swallow.

Be careful about religious references unless you know the strength and depth of the person’s faith; grieving can test these things, so tread lightly.

What do I say?

Often times running into someone in mourning is the most difficult thing of all. Grief is the elephant in the room. Should you ask them how they are? Give them your condolences? Give them a hug? Tell them it will be get better with time?

The best thing to do is judge the situation carefully – the better you know someone the easier that is. These few tips might help no matter how well you know the person:

By all means, give your condolences but keep the encounter short, not ‘rude short’ just not prolonged. There are only so many ways for someone to say they are fine when they don’t mean it.

Be careful about asking how they are, sometimes the mere question is enough to provoke upset (usually unexpectedly for all concerned). You can get around this (if you feel you need to ask the question) by asking about other family members and working your way back to the person in front of you.

Hugs are great if you are somewhere out of the way and if you know the person well, otherwise, steer clear. Someone gave me a hug at the office – quite unexpectedly – and it really threw me.

The thing that should be avoided is telling someone things will get better with time. Things will, but no one in that situation believes it and all it means is that they have to summon up the strength to agree with you.
Should I bake a pie, make a casserole, send food?

One of the loveliest things that someone did for us was send a grocery order. An old and cherished friend went online and ordered all the things we had loved and shared in my parents’ kitchen over the years. It made us all cry but it also made us laugh as we unpacked and commented on her choices.

Others made food or brought over good coffee or dropped things off on the front porch. It was all welcome – we certainly weren’t going to be cooking, even eating was touch-and-go; having the food in the fridge ensured that if we were hungry we could eat.
Kindness is the key

As I said at the beginning, the conclusion of a life is a strange time for all those involved. The key thing to remember is to be kind.

To the person in mourning: Be kind to yourself. Don’t put pressure on yourself to be happy (or sad), to go out or stay home – you get a pass, pretty much, to do what you need to do for yourself.

To the friends, family and others who surround the person grieving: Be kind. Mourning doesn’t finish at a funeral, it merely begins. It is a very strange time and no one ever knows how it will affect them; some days are good, some are less so. Give the person the space they need, or the company they crave but feel they can’t ask for. Keep in touch but don’t force; call but don’t bombard.

Make sure they know they are loved and supported and you will be doing your job as a friend.

Hilary Robinson is the Senior Trainer and Owner of Polished Professionals in Toronto, Canada. With her background, spent running events for Prime Ministers, CEOs and academics (in the UK and Canada), one might think that she’s all about following the rules. However, she prefers to train people to understand their parameters, what it means to follow them, what advantages there are in knowing how and when to bend them, and the value in using good manners to put others at ease. With 20 years working worldwide in events and communications, Hilary believes manners and courtesy are not only powerful communication tools but the foundations on which self-confidence and success grow.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette is Much More Than Rules

"Protocol is not there to dictate to you. It is there to help you." Barbara Bush 

Seeing Etiquette Through a Different Lens ... It’s Not Always About Which Fork to Use!

 by Hilary Robinson

There are occasions, when telling people that I provide training on the subject of Etiquette and Protocol, that they look at me like I have an extra head. Every now and then I can even see their internal dialogue written on their face: ‘that’s so old-fashioned’, ‘she’s clearly living in the past’, ‘oh no, she’s going to critique everything I say and do’. This last one is the most common; at a recent event the host of my table looked up as I approached and exclaimed, more-or-less in jest, ‘great, I’ve got the etiquette expert!’ (I don’t by the way, unless asked.)

I put these responses down to the fact that many people equate etiquette with ‘rules’ – rules that govern our every move, and get us into trouble if we don’t follow them.

Yes, there are rules when it comes to etiquette and protocol but though they can seem frivolous, they are actually very helpful. Many stem from common sense and are in place to help us navigate business and social settings; some are driven by interacting with other cultures; others, leftovers of bygone eras, fading into the past.

However, I believe, firmly, that etiquette is so much more than simply a set of rules. You can take your pick of words and phrases: etiquette, courtesy, civility, polite behaviour, consideration for others – but when it comes down to it, all of these ensure that we carry out our daily interactions – be they business meetings, hosting an event, or passing someone on the street – in a thoughtful, kind manner, which, in turn, shows others that we value their time and attention.

I don’t view the ‘rules’ as being stiff, old-fashioned directives. I see them, instead, as the tools we use to give us the confidence and freedom to interact with others under any, and all, circumstances. Sometimes it is about which fork to use – and if you know which fork to use you can ignore your place setting and pay attention to your guests.

And, the great thing about knowing the rules is knowing how, when and where you can break them.

Meet our newest contributor, Hilary Robinson, the Senior Trainer and Owner of Polished Professionals in Toronto, Canada. With her background, spent running events for Prime Ministers, CEOs and academics (in the UK and Canada), one might think that she’s all about following the rules. However, she prefers to train people to understand their parameters, what it means to follow them, what advantages there are in knowing how and when to bend them, and the value in using good manners to put others at ease. With 20 years working worldwide in events and communications, Hilary believes manners and courtesy are not only powerful communication tools but the foundations on which self-confidence and success grow. It's understanding that not all social or business situations are created equal, and knowing how to deal with those differences, that gives us our ability to be our best and to succeed. (Oh, and she’s completely passionate (and nerdy) about all this… if you have any questions feel free to ask!)

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia