Gilded Age Bachelors Dining Out

“Dinner invitations are sent out at least a fortnight in advance. In the New York season sometimes they are issued a full month before the event. They must, under all circumstances, be answered within twenty-four hours, and cards left on your prospective host and hostess within a week. The fashionable hours for dining are between half past seven and eight o'clock. Dinners being formal evening functions, formal evening dress is essential.”

ETIQUETTE AND THE ‘DINER-OUT’

When I speak of the “diner-out,” I include under this title the bachelor guest not only at dinners, but also at luncheons and at suppers. The formal breakfast is a festivity of the past, and the first meal in a household is purely a family affair. However, luncheons on Sunday at one or two o'clock are in New York frequently called breakfasts, because I believe many fashionable people do not want the impression to go abroad that even once a week they dine in the middle of the day. The luncheon after a day wedding ceremony is also called a breakfast, but this, like the Sunday meal, is simply a title by courtesy.

Luncheons, where men are guests, are popular entertainments at all the large summer resorts, such as Newport, Long Branch, Bar Harbor, as well as at the more celebrated of the Western and Pacific watering places and the winter cities of the South. In New York and other great centers, where there exists a number of gentlemen of leisure, these entertainments are greatly in vogue, and in Washington they sometimes assume the color of diplomatic functions.

The hour for a luncheon is half past one o'clock, and sometimes it is advanced to two. All guests are expected to be punctual to the minute and to take advantage even of the quarter of an hour latitude is bad form. Better a little too early than too late. However, do not make yourself ridiculous by appearing on the scene too soon. Bear in mind that the reputation of being the “late Mr. Smith” is not enviable. A tardy guest only accentuates his own insignificance. This rule applies to dinners and suppers and to all entertainments where you are a guest, with only one exception—dances, where you have an hour's grace.

Luncheons, as a rule, are informal affairs. Men have attended them in lounge suits, but it is more courteous to your hostess to appear in afternoon dress. Overcoats, hats, and sticks are left in the hall. Your gloves are removed in the drawing room. When luncheon is announced, unless it is a very formal affair, your hostess leads the way to the dining room, and she is followed by her guests, women and men, not in procession. The men, of course, must allow the fairer sex to pass before them through the drawing-room door and into the dining room. Luncheon menus consist of oysters, clams, or grape fruit with crushed ice and saturated with maraschino for the first course. This is followed by bouillon, an entrée, a roast or chops with peas, or broiled chicken, salad with birds, ices and fruits, coffee and liqueurs. Sherry and claret are the wines, and sometimes champagne is served.

A luncheon lasts three hours at most, and the men are left to smoke at dessert. However, sometimes this formality is waived.

Dinner invitations are sent out at least a fortnight in advance. In the New York season sometimes they are issued a full month before the event. They must, under all circumstances, be answered within twenty-four hours, and cards left on your prospective host and hostess within a week.

The fashionable hours for dining are between half past seven and eight o'clock. Dinners being formal evening functions, formal evening dress is essential.

Except at very small houses and apartments, two rooms are reserved—one for the men and the other for the ladies—as dressing rooms. Your hat, coat, and outdoor attire are removed, and a servant will assist you in arranging your toilet. A nefarious practice of feeing these attendants, even at private houses, has been somewhat in vogue in a very "smart" and wealthy set in New York. It is not good form, and I would advise you against it.

The servant who announces you, hands you a small envelope on which is written your name. This incloses a card on which is the name of the lady whom you are to take in to dinner. After exchanging greetings with your hostess and removing your gloves, you should endeavor to find your partner and engage in some preliminary conversation. Should you not have been presented to her, inform your hostess of this fact, and you will be at once introduced. Dinner is announced by the butler entering the drawing room and saying, "Dinner is served." The host leads the way with the woman guest of honor, and you are assigned your place in the procession by the hostess, who comes last with the man guest of honor. Each man offers his right arm to his fair partner. In the dining room, cards are placed at each cover with the names of the guests inscribed thereon. Even should there be a retinue of servants, pull back the chair of your partner and assist her to seat herself. In some old-fashioned houses grace is said, and it is always the rule when a clergyman is one of the guests. This blessing is asked after the company is seated.

During dinner you must devote yourself to the comfort and entertainment of the woman whom you have taken in. She must be your first care, although there may be some one on your other side, or opposite, who is more congenial to you. Talking across the table is very bad form. Let your conversation be pleasant and general, but avoid politics, religion, and personal criticisms.

There is no form for refusing wine, if it is against your scruples to drink it. Do not thus force your personal prejudices on your host by making any demonstration, such as putting your finger over the glass or shaking your head at the butler. Let him fill your glasses, but do not drink the contents. The question of waste is not to be considered; and if you are a man with firm principles regarding total abstinence, in your heart you should rejoice that at least a quota of the fluid will do no harm.

The hostess gives the signal at dessert for the ladies to retire to the drawing room. Everybody rises, and the ladies leave the table in solemn procession, the man nearest the door opening it for them. A prettier custom, and one much in vogue in New York, is the escorting of the ladies by the men to the drawing room, the host leading the way. When the drawing-room door is reached the men bow and retire again to the dining room, where coffee, liqueurs, and cigars are served. At the end of a half hour they return to the drawing room. Another half hour of conversation, during which sometimes there is dancing, and the guests make their adieus to their hostess and host and leave. On bidding good-night, always assure your hostess of the pleasant evening which you have enjoyed.

Progressive dinners are sometimes given, although now almost obsolete. Small tables are arranged for these with parties of four or six at each table. The guests change places at each course, the signal for this being given by the hostess ringing a bell. The ladies remain in their seats. As there will not be a fresh napkin provided at each course, a man brings his with him from his first table.

Public dinners, except when given by certain church, debating, or literary societies, are stag affairs. The guests assemble at the restaurant, hotel, or hall where the banquet is to be held, and deposit their hats, coats, and walking paraphernalia in the cloakroom. A ticket is given with the number of your rack upon it, and a small fee—usually twenty-five cents—is expected. The guests assemble in one of the smaller drawing rooms, and each one is handed a plan of the tables with the location of his cover designated by his name upon it. A procession is formed, the guests of honor and reception committee leading, to the banquet hall. After dessert, speeches are in order.

Dinner dances are a form of entertainment where dinner is followed by a dance, other guests coming in from other dinner parties and meeting at one house which has been agreed upon as the place where the dance is to take place. A short time after dinner, at each of the other houses, the guests are conveyed therefrom in carriages, or, better yet, in stages, to the general rendezvous. Calls are due within the week at the house where you have dined as well as at the one at which you have danced.

Supper etiquette differs but little from that observed at dinners. The occasion is a bit more informal and the menu not so elaborate. The etiquette of ball suppers is treated in the chapter on The Dance, and suppers after the play, at restaurants and clubs, being favorite bachelor entertainments, will be explained in that part of this book reserved for the Bachelor as Host. — The Complete Bachelor, by Walter Germain, 1896

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More Etiquette for Bachelor Travel

The subject of foreign travel also needs a few words as well as a bit of general advice. English customs and our own are so much alike that it would be strange, indeed, if an American could not get along in the land where his own tongue is spoken. One of the first difficulties which once beset traveling Americans in London was the regulation in theaters that the audience, or that part of it occupying the best stalls, should be in evening dress. 

When traveling with a lady, always carry her bag and assist her in and out of the trains. Your behavior is on its mettle under these circumstances, and traveling is very apt to be like a mustard plaster, bringing out both the good and evil attributes of a man.

The subject of foreign travel also needs a few words as well as a bit of general advice. English customs and our own are so much alike that it would be strange, indeed, if an American could not get along in the land where his own tongue is spoken. One of the first difficulties which once beset traveling Americans in London was the regulation in theaters that the audience, or that part of it occupying the best stalls, should be in evening dress. As evening dress is now also the rule in New York, this quandary is a thing of the past. Programmes at many of the English theaters are now free, where some years ago it was customary to sell bills of the play for sixpence.

The feeing of servants at hotels, however, continues, and we yet have the charge on hotel bills for service. You are expected to give something to the hall porter, to your waiter, to the boots, and to the chambermaid. The amount of these fees differs according to the length of your stay. I should say a half crown to the porter and less sums to the others.

In London a shilling a mile is the accepted price for cabs within a certain metropolitan radius called the "circle." "Thrupence" or sixpence extra is the tip "to drink your health."

Afternoon dress is the correct attire for the park after midday, and cabs and hansoms are not seen on the Row during riding and driving hours.

In Paris you may wear a blue blouse and make the turn of the Bois in a fiacre. The tariff there is two francs an hour, or two francs fifty per course, from one place to another. The pourboire is fifty centimes.

In France the pourboire is a veritable tax, as it is in Italy and in the Latin countries. In Germany the mark is equal to about twenty-five cents of our money, and it will go a long way. Ten marks will fee a houseful of servants.

At the station in Paris fifty centimes is given to the porter. The "commissionnaire" at the hotel expects fifty centimes. Waiters' pourboires are eighty-five centimes at breakfast, and at dinner a franc. In a café they are twenty-five centimes.

The woman at the theater who puts a footstool under your feet expects one franc, and at many of the playhouses she must be feed for a reserved seat.

In Paris the orchestra stalls are occupied only by men. At the opera during the season evening dress in the boxes and stalls is, of course, de rigueur. At the Comédie Française on Tuesdays and at the Odéon on Thursdays you must be in evening dress in order to gain admittance.

Chairs are sold in Paris at the Catholic churches, and in both the London and Paris parks seats can be hired for a few pennies or sous.

In Paris omnibuses only the seating capacity is allowed. When the omnibus is full, a sign, "Complet," is fastened on the outside.

At the gates of each small town in France the octroi, or impost, levies on articles of food brought in, and the customhouse in England seizes all American reprints of English books. There, as well as in France, spirits and tobacco are dutiable.

It is only civil to bow when passing the Prince of Wales or members of the royal family. In Paris every hat is removed when a hearse passes, as also in Italy. In Germany the hat is removed when the emperor passes.

Passports are necessary for Russian and Eastern travel.

All large functions on the Continent, no matter what time of the day they occur, demand evening dress. In Paris the bridegroom at a wedding in the afternoon wears evening dress, as well as the chief male mourner at a funeral, but the others present do not. This does not apply to groomsmen and honorary pallbearers, who are in evening dress. In Germany, Austria, and Italy, wherever royalty appears, evening dress is necessary. At the audiences granted by the Pope all men must be in evening dress, and the women in dark gowns and veils.

The Queen of England, the Princess of Wales, and all other female members of the royal family are addressed as "Ma'am"; the Prince of Wales and the male members as "Sir," and never, except by tradesmen, as "Your Royal Highness."

The English dukes are addressed simply as "Duke" and not as "Your Grace"; a marquis is "Lord" and a marchioness "Lady." Younger sons of dukes should be spoken of as lord. A French duke and duchess are addressed as "Monsieur" and "Madame." In Germany one drops the Von when addressing a nobleman who has that title, but when you write to him you must give him his full credentials.

A foreign bishop is always addressed as "My Lord" and a cardinal as "Your Eminence."

The etiquette at a house where the Prince of Wales or a member of the royal family in England visits is rigorous, and on the Continent, when royalty is present, it is even more severe. The prince is never addressed unless he speaks to you. He alone has the privilege of changing the subject of conversation, and all plans for the day's recreation are submitted to him.

These observations are, of course, very general, but the average American to-day is at home in Europe. He should only remember the old adage to do in Rome as the Romans do, and he will not be much embarrassed by foreign customs and habits. — From “The Complete Bachelor: Manners for Men, by Walter Germain, 1896

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for the Traveling Bachelor

It is customary on leaving a ship to give gratuities to servants. To the cabin steward on English ships, ten shillings, the head steward ten shillings, and your waiter ten shillings. On others, for a six days' voyage, a fee equal to two dollars should be given to your waiter and your cabin steward and to the head steward.

A BACHELOR'S TRAVELS ONBOARD and ABROAD

To seem entirely at one's ease is the best maxim I can give for traveling. You can not actually pretend to experience that which may be totally lacking, but by making yourself comfortable you will increase the pleasure of others. There is, in these days of luxurious traveling, but little occasion to be flurried, and no excuse whatever for not being as well dressed as you are calm and self-possessed. Dress means a great deal, and if you have not a servant with you it will simply require a little care at the commencement to insure your entire freedom from all annoyance.

As I have already observed in a previous chapter, in a long journey it would be better to take more than one trunk, but even if you have but the one you should carry also a bag with your toilet articles. A dressing bag is most requisite, and if you can not afford this you could have an ordinary bag, or even a "dress suit" case, fitted up with the necessary appliances of the toilet. These, it is almost absurd to state, consist of your razors, tooth and nail brushes, combs and hairbrushes, individual soap, and a few small vials of very useful physic, such as Jamaica ginger, Pond's extract, liver pills, cologne, and, if you do not carry it in your pocket, a brandy flask. There are times when this is absolutely necessary. 

In my dressing bag, if possible, I would take my pyjamas, so as to be perfectly equipped for the night, in case, at the end of my journey, I could not get at my trunk. Overcoats, waterproof coat, umbrellas, walking sticks, etc., should be carried in a shawl strap, where you could also have a novel or so, or a budget of interesting newspapers or magazines. For short railway or steamer journeys, the best dress is the ordinary lounge or morning sack suit, with a soft felt or Hombourg hat. 

Gloves are necessary. Tan or gray suede is the most correct. In winter an ulster should be worn. Select for sea or for ocean voyages the warmest lounge suit you have, or, if you feel more disposed, a warm tweed knickerbocker suit, such as you wear for golf. I think it is a good principle to put on your old clothes at sea. Only very vulgar people dress for this occasion. For late dinner on the ship I would have a black cutaway coat and a light tie. I believe men must change their clothes before dinner at all places and under all circumstances. Russet shoes are worn.

Do not hurry. Have your tickets purchased in time, and arrive at a train so that you will have fully five minutes in which to check your luggage.

On an ocean voyage, if the ship is going to leave at an early hour in the morning, go on board the night before. Farewell suppers are like greetings in tugboats and other vulgar celebrations, the meed of the second-class politician. Arrange with your banker for letters of credit, and take with you just sufficient small change to carry you comfortably and pay your little expenses, with one note of a larger denomination in case of accident. Do not get your money changed on the ship. It is effected at a very high rate of discount. Thus on English ships—the Cunard, White Star, Anchor, and Allan lines—English currency is used. The Hamburg and the North German Lloyd employ German, and the Transatlantique, French. 

Your steamer trunk and your bag and shawl strap should be placed in the cabin with you. Steamer chairs, in these days, can be hired. Do not carry one around with you. It is a nuisance. On the ocean steamers the steward will attend to your little wants, and prepare your bath for you in the morning, for which there is a fee, I think, of twenty-five cents a day. It is customary on leaving a ship to give gratuities to servants. To the cabin steward on English ships, ten shillings, the head steward ten shillings, and your waiter ten shillings. On others, for a six days' voyage, a fee equal to two dollars should be given to your waiter and your cabin steward and to the head steward. Servants abroad are feed on a regular tariff, which you will find in the guidebooks. In this country the drawing-car fiend expects twenty-five cents for a day's journey; fifty cents to a dollar for longer and more extended service. At American hotels the waiters are tipped when you leave, and a small gratuity given to chambermaids.

Courtesy, especially to women, is the one thing expected from every gentleman who travels, and if you can assist any one in distress by advice or by help of any kind do so, particularly if it is an unprotected woman. But be very guarded in making new acquaintances. Such as are picked up on the steamer, for instance, can be dropped as soon as you land. Beware of the cardroom and the poker sharps who travel on the great liners. Make it a rule, if you will play for money, never to do so with strangers.

When traveling with a lady, always carry her bag and assist her in and out of the trains. Your behavior is on its mettle under these circumstances, and traveling is very apt to be like a mustard plaster, bringing out both the good and evil attributes of a man.— From “The Complete Bachelor: Manners for Men, by Walter Germain, 1896

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Gilded Age Bachelors’ Household Staffs

Many bachelors hire some middle-aged woman who not only does the cooking, but takes care of the apartment, valets him, and waits at table when he has guests to dinner. Others employ a man to look after them, who is valet and general factotum, and others again, with larger establishments, a man and wife. The former does the valeting, the waiting, and is steward and butler, while the woman attends to the cooking and laundry. 

A BACHELOR'S SERVANTS

Particular servants hired by a bachelor:

The groom is, with the exception of the general servant, the first domestic likely to be in the employ of an unmarried man of moderate means. When a bachelor becomes a horse owner he can never be too particular about his turnouts and his liveries. The groom in the city or at a fashionable watering place should have two liveries—one for dress occasions and the other for what is known as a "stable suit." The latter, which is a simple English tweed or whipcord, made with a cutaway coat of the same material, will answer perfectly well for the country, where it is ridiculous to have elaborate liveries. A square brown Derby is worn with this suit, brown English driving gloves, and a white plastron or coachman's scarf. This flat scarf is the badge of distinction between the house and stable servant. No tie pin nor trinkets of any description should be allowed servants. 

The best dress livery is a frock coat, single-breasted, of kersey, the color of your livery; white buckskin riding breeches, top boots, top hat, white plastron, standing collar, and brown driving gloves. One distinctive color should be used, not only for your liveries but also for your traps, as well as one kind of harness. The cockade on the hat is the privilege abroad of ambassadors; it is bad form. Besides the care of your horse or horses, your groom must be a species of outside general servant, ready to go on errands or attend to the numerous duties of a manservant about a country place. By no means can he be substituted for a valet, a butler, or an indoor servant. When he brings your trap to the door he holds the animals' heads until you are seated, when he touches his hat and lets go the reins. If he is to sit behind in the trap he must hold himself upright with folded arms. He alights immediately the trap is stopped, running all errands, and holding the horses until the drive is resumed. 

He sometimes accompanies his master when the latter rides. He brings his horse to the door and holds it until the mount. He follows, occasionally, on another horse at a respectful distance. Should you be wealthy enough to have also a coachman, your groom can act as second man on the box. A coachman's dress livery consists of a double-breasted long coachman's coat, top boots, and buckskin breeches, white flat plastron, high collar and top hat, and brown driving gloves. When both servants are employed the groom is under the orders of the coachman as regards the stable work.

The Valet.—Of course a valet is a luxury. A man can valet himself very easily, and if the instructions given in the chapters on the Care of Clothes and The Toilet are followed carefully, I hardly think that you would need such a personage. A woman can be perfectly trained to valet a man. Your general servant can also, and is required to fill this position. If you live at a club the club valet will attend to your clothes, and perform the duties of a private servant. There are "valeting companies" organized in many large cities, which take entire charge of your wardrobe, and again there are valets who are hired by several men clubbing together, and who are very capable servants. The individual valet, however, is a very valuable aid to a young bachelor of wealth, especially if he is a man of leisure, or if he goes out a great deal in society. A valet's duties are first and principally the entire charge of his master's wardrobe and toilet, the details of which have been given in previous chapters. They begin an hour or so before the master rises, when clothes are to be pressed and put in order, boots and shoes to be polished and placed on their trees, and the costume of the day to be made ready. If possible, a small room is provided for him as his workshop.

At the hour for rising, the valet enters his master's room very quietly, and, if he is awake, pulls up the shades and lets in the daylight. The bath is then prepared, and while that is being taken the newspapers, mail, and breakfast tray are brought in, and the valet waits for orders. Some men require their valets to shave them, but the majority simply intrust the care of their razors to them, preferring to perform that operation themselves. The valet assists his master in dressing, and, when the toilet is finished, ties or buttons the boots, arranges the spats, and gives a final brush to the clothes. He then fetches the stick, gloves, and hat. During the day he may be employed on errands, in answering tradespeople, in paying bills, or in any minor occupations of that kind. A first-class servant of this character should not only be steward but secretary. When writing letters for his master he should write them in the third person, and also sign them "Respectfully yours, John Smith, valet."

A valet is told of the engagements of the day, and has the clothes arranged accordingly, and he must be at his post. In the evening the dress suit is laid out, with choice of ties and two coats, the formal and informal, or Tuxedo. A valet must be at the rooms when his master retires. In traveling he takes care of the luggage, tickets, and all the little annoying details. He travels second class abroad, and in this country he should never be allowed to be a passenger in a drawing-room car with his master. The valet wears no livery. He dresses quietly in a plain sack suit of dark material, and wears a Derby hat. Should he be required to wait on table, he dresses in semi-livery if the affair is a luncheon, and in evening dress if it is a dinner.

The butler is a very rare functionary in a bachelor's establishment, only the wealthiest being able to afford him. The valet or general servant acts as butler, and when in this position he should always have a black coat on when answering the bell.

I have used the terms throughout this chapter of "master" and "servant." Employer and employee are correct only when the relations between the two persons are not of a domestic character.

The most fashionable and efficient menservants are of English, Scotch, or Irish birth or descent. Japanese make excellent valets. Colored coachmen and grooms are not the vogue in New York or vicinity, but they are seen in the South. Very wealthy bachelors have introduced a fad for East Indian servants, but at present only a few of these have been employed, and those at Newport. — From “The Complete Bachelor: Manners for Men, by Walter Germain, 1896

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Manners for Men from 1897

The book, authored by a writer for Vogue, held etiquette truths that both men and women needed to read. On the last page we are told that one of the marks of a gentleman is his complete mastery of himself under the most trying and aggravating circumstances, and furthermore this: “Under great provocation the expletive ‘damn’ is tolerated in society, but it should be whispered and not pronounced aloud.”

But helpful manners, wisely suited to bachelors, filled the 1987 tome: “The public restaurant or dining room is the place for a bachelor supper when ladies are guests. A private room is not proper, and your guests want to see and be seen... All meals in a restaurant, unless organized on the spur of a moment, are ordered beforehand and everything, including the waiter's tip, arranged and settled for. If you have not an account at the restaurant, pay the bill at the time you arrange the menu and reserve the table.” And: “The average man is judged by his appearance and his deportment in public. His dress, his bearing, his conduct toward women and his fellow-men, are telling characteristics. In the street, when walking with a woman—the term ‘lady’ being objectionable, except in case of distinction—every man should be on his mettle. Common sense, which is the basis of all etiquette, teaches him that he should be her protector. Therefore, under general circumstances, his place is on the street or outer side. Should there be a crowd on the inner side, should the walking be muddy or rough, or should there be a building in process of repair, or one or the other of the inconveniences of city life, then the man should take the side which will enable him to shield his fair companion from all annoyance. At night a man offers his arm to a woman. In the daytime etiquette allows this only when the sidewalk is very rough, when there are steps to climb, a crowd to be piloted through, or a street crossing to effect. In any one of these emergencies suggest, ‘I think you will find it better to take my arm.’ A man never walks bodkin—that is, sandwiched between two women.” – from Walter Germain’s, The Complete Bachelor: Manners for Men

Review of “The Complete Bachelor”, By the author of the “As Seen by Him Papers.” D. Appleton & Co., New York, Price $1.25

The author gives as a reason for this little book, that while he was conducting the query department in Vogue, he received letters from all parts of the United States asking for information on certain details of etiquette which seem to have been overlooked by the writers of etiquette manuals, and these correspondents wanted the questions answered from the New York standpoint. 

Herein the bachelor is warned against the faults which will make him “impossible” in society. On the last page we are told that one of the marks of a gentleman is his complete mastery of himself under the most trying and aggravating circumstances, and furthermore this: “Under great provocation the expletive ‘damn’ is tolerated in society, but it should be whispered and not pronounced aloud.” – San Francisco Call, 1897

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia