Letitia Baldrige on Executive Manners

On TV, you'll see a woman 65 years old married for the third time tossing her bouquet. It's so ridiculous... SO many travesties of taste go on the air.

On Zed Diamond and Jenny Markham’s wedding day, fate threw a curve separating them for three years. She had amnesia; he thought she was dead.

Then one day they rediscovered each other and decided to reaffirm their wedding vows. What's the proper protocol for such an event?

If you are a couple from the daytime soap opera “Capitol,” you call upon Letitia Baldrige for the answers.

Baldrige, former Social Secretary to U.S. ambassadors, and Jackie Kennedy's White House Chief of Staff, is without contention the foremost expert on personal and business etiquette in the United States.

For “Capitol’s” renewal-of-vows ceremony, Baldrige said the bride should walk in from the side, not up the aisle. She should wear a pastel shade, not white. The cake, too, should be decorated with color. No flower children should toss rose petals nor friends throw rice.

Those rites are reserved for the first wedding.

When it comes to the marriage ceremony, Baldrige is a traditionalist.

“You can only get married for the first time once,” she insisted in a recent interview.

Baldrige, who rewrote “Amy Vanderbilt's Book of Etiquette” in 1978 and has gained even more renown for her “Complete Guide To Executive Manners,” published in 1985, was asked to advise “Capitol” on the correct wedding form for a couple who previously married.

That meant Jenny could not toss her bouquet, could not wear a train or a long veil (only a short one) and she needed to generally “play it cool on the white stuff.” Baldrige was delighted that “Capitol” asked for her assistance.

“On TV, you'll see a woman 65 years old married for the third time tossing her bouquet. It's so ridiculous,” she said.

“Television has such tremendous influence, but so many travesties of taste go on the air. You'll see tables improperly set, with the fork and knife and spoon juxtaposed.

“Or on one nighttime soap opera, they showed a poolside luncheon with everyone dressed in tennis shorts and bathing suits, and the butler was serving lunch. That’s only with white gloves for the most formal dinner with everyone in evening clothes.”

As Baldrige knows well, traditions and correct manners are enjoying a hearty resurgence in the ‘80s.

“It's part of the sociological shift,” says Baldrige. “From 1965 to 1978, traditions were out. People got married in the fields, with Hindu zithers playing and cows in the background instead of organ around in music. People walked around patches of poison ivy instead of the church. It was all a caricature of weddings when the youth rebelled in the '60s.

“Then, of course, those same kids put on three-piece suits and wanted to work in corporations, and suddenly attitudes changed. Now, people want to be in the mainstream. They want to do the formal things properly again.”

The growing deference to tradition is not limited to social occasions, Baldrige discovered after she rewrote the Vanderbilt book.

“There was one small chapter in there on business etiquette. And it was reprinted in airline magazines and company publications all over the world,” she said.

“Then, I started getting calls from businesses and corporations around the country asking for help on how they worded their invitations, and about protocol at meetings. I realized there was a real market there.”

So in 1980 Baldrige added an executive branch to the New York public relations and marketing firm she has run since 1964.

“But I knew I needed a textbook on business etiquette. So I wrote the ‘Complete Guide To Executive Manners.’” Actually, the book is, as Baldrige called it, “the first, big, sort of encyclopedia on behavior in the office.”

Yes, the book covers the proper form of address for officials in government, military and business. Yes, it discusses how far in advance business invitations should be mailed.

But it also delineates the qualities of good managers: Never expect others to follow rules you do not. Never repeat a rumor that would hurt someone's reputation. Keep promises, both large and small.

Baldrige learned the rules of good business behavior by her proximity to people of power and class.

“Since I was 20 years old. I had role models like Clare Boothe Luce. I had all those years in the White House, all these years in business. I worked with David Bruce, who was the greatest senior diplomat we had in this century, in the American Embassy in Paris.”

Baldrige said the basis of executive good manners is twofold: “It’s 75 percent common sense and 25 percent consideration of others. By common sense, I mean making decisions that are efficient and work well. By consideration, I mean decisions that are unselfish and care about someone else's feelings.” – By Divina Infusino for Copley News Service, 1986

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Kid’s Etiquette in the 1980’s

You don't sleep in tents and cook hotdogs on a grill at these camps; you take dance classes and learn “the right way to do things.”

Courtesy Camps

What comes to mind when you think of summer camp? Daddy Long Leg spiders? The time you short-sheeted your counselor's bed? Whatever you think of, it probably deals with lots of dirt, and lots of fun.

But what would you do if you found out you were spending the summer at a "manners" camp? You don't sleep in tents and cook hotdogs on a grill at these camps; you take dance classes and learn "the right way to do things."

One of these camps, The Emily Post Summer Camp, meets at the Breakers Hotel in Palm Beach, Florida. The session lasts for four days. Kids take dance classes to learn both old-fashioned and modern dancing. They learn telephone manners, how to write thank you notes, and how to behave properly at the table. They even have time left over to swim and play games!

But not all the kids who go there are happy about it. Barbara Smart, who handles public relations for the camp, says "It would be fibbing to say that they're all delighted to be here. None of them are kicking and screaming. but it may be the step just before that." Smart says the kids end up enjoying the camp, though: "They have two hours of class and the rest of the afternoon free they may not have been to a place like the Breakers before. and they make lots of friends here."

Christopher Brett, a thirteen year old from Palm Beach, went to the camp last year. He liked it so much, he's going back this year. "It was really fun, but at the same time you got to learn all this stuff. I think it was funner than other camps, especially at the place it was."

Another camp, the L'Ecole des Ingenues, in Atlanta, Georgia, takes manners even more seriously. The camp director. Anne Oliver, calls it "more than just an etiquette camp." It's more like an old-fashioned finishing school for teenage girls. They learn how to act when they go to the ballet, which fork to use during a meal, the proper way to behave at tea time and other social events.

Oliver says there is an "etiquette epidemic" right now. When the camp started in 1976, fewer people were interested in manners. "When I opened, parents were sending their daughters. Now, almost ten years later, the girls are asking to be sent." – By Julie Langsdorf for Gannett News Service, 1985

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Most Mannered Cities of 1989

Stewart, author of "Can My Bridesmaids Wear Black?" and 14 other books on etiquette, released her list of the 10 best mannered cities in America on Nov. 15. Council Bluffs, which Stewart called the "courtesy capital of the world," ranked second behind.

Etiquette expert says Portland is most mannered city in U.S.

Etiquette authority Marjabelle Young Stewart has selected Portland, Ore., as the most mannered city in the country. Council Bluffs and the Quad Cities in Iowa and Illinois are in the top ten. It was followed by San Diego; Chicago; Washington D.C.; Charleston, S.C.; Seattle, Wash.; the Twin Cities in Minnesota; the Quad Cities; and Los Angeles.

Stewart, author of "Can My Bridesmaids Wear Black?" and 14 other books on etiquette, released her list of the 10 best mannered cities in America on Nov. 15. Council Bluffs, which Stewart called the "courtesy capital of the world," ranked second behind.

Stewart said nominations for the most-mannered cities come from graduates of classes she teaches for business executives. She said she delivers etiquette seminars for major corporations that realize "polish will bring profit."

“Manners will take you anywhere," said Stewart, who now lives in Kewanee, Ill, – Des Moines, Iowa (AP) - 1989

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Good Manners Required

“When eating stewed prunes in public, your pit should be first dropped into your a) plate, b) hand, c) spoon or d) napkin? Answer: c, your spoon. Then deposited on the edge of your plate.”
— Photo, Etiquipedia’s private library

.... to Get Ahead in This New Board Game

Suddenly manners are in. The manners market runneth over with books, newspaper columns, lectures and corporate seminars.

And now “The Official Game of Etiquette: For the Young, For the Upwardly Mobile and Those Who Are Tired of Faking It.” Invented by Frank Scott, a former child actor (Disney’s “The Seeing Eye Dog”) turned stockbroker and now owner of Interstate Security, a San Diego burglar-alarm company.

It’s a Monopoly derivative. It tests your etiquette I.Q. with such questions as:

• At a clam bar, is it acceptable to suck the clam right off the shell? Yes.

• Because of history and the Pilgrims, is corn on the cob, although messy, still acceptable at a formal dinner? No. Not unless you’re eating with a Pilgrim.

• Is the most important servant in the household the a) oldest, b)chambermaid, c) butler, d) gardener or e) valet? Answer: e, the butler.

• A masseur at a private club should be tipped what percentage of the massage: 10, 15 or 20? Answer: 20.

• When eating stewed prunes in public, your pit should be first dropped into your a) plate, b) hand, c) spoon or d) napkin? Answer: c, your spoon. Then deposited on the edge of your plate.

Scott, 37, researched his 400 questions with standard reference works on etiquette and with a consultant who preaches etiquette to the corporate elite.

The game sells for $24 (manners ain’t cheap, bud). Scott invested $40,000 getting the game produced and marketed.

“All those latchkey kids from the 1960s and 1970s are the yuppies of today, and they realize they don’t know how to act in most social and business situations,” Scott said. “They need this game, even if they don’t know it yet.”— By Anthony Perry, Los Angeles Times, 1989

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and 1980’s “Polite Society”

A 1983 ‘Polite Room’ in warm tones from House Beautiful Magazine – “Warm colors compliment guests; sunny shades make people happy. Peaches, pinks and reds are the nicest colors for flattering guests. A yellow room always picks up the spirits...” 

All of a sudden it’s nice to be nice. After a long spell of putting “No. 1” first, thinking of others seems to have a novel attraction. What’s the tipoff? Everyone’s emerging interest in etiquette. 

All across the country, ex-“me generation” mothers are sending their toddlers to manners classes. Harvard Business School students are attending seminars on gracious entertaining. Updated etiquette books are selling like crazy. And, in the White House, propriety is politic. Welcome the polite society.

Sociologists say it’s a reaction to the “take me as I am” 196o’s and the “me-ism” of the 1970s. But, whatever the cause, the aim is definitely to please. The same gracious mood is guiding a new trend in home decorating. Friendly rooms which extend polite welcomes are replacing the self-centered environs of the high-tech age. 

“Warm colors, a relaxed mix of furnishings, intimate scale and lots of cushy, comfortable upholstery are the hallmarks of the new decorating etiquette,” says one interior design consultant. “These polite rooms are the essence of all-American graciousness. And, unlike the so-called civilized rooms of yesteryear, these ‘polite rooms’ put people at ease, engage their interest and emanate warmth.” 

Although decorating dogmas went out with engraved calling cards, today’s new courteous decors do share a standard code of behavior. Here are just some of the dictates: 

• An intimate scale creates a relaxed atmosphere. 
• An 8-by-10-foot area is a good size for conversation groupings. 
• In a larger room, designing a small library of music nook to create a cozy ambiance is recommended. 
• Warm colors compliment guests; sunny shades make people happy. Peaches, pinks and reds are the nicest colors for flattering guests. A yellow room always picks up the spirits. 
• Interesting accessories break the ice. Aside from making a room truly personal, handmade accessories, collections, flowers, books and art give people something to talk about. They are the niceties of decorating... the ‘white gloves and pearls.’ 
• A mix of styles and patterns sets a friendly tone. There’s nothing stiff about these polite rooms. 
• On the contrary, a warm blend of old and new and an artful combination of patterns and prints helps keep rooms from being too rigid, too formal, too cold. – The Sun, 1983

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia