Poise and Politeness at Home

A man of poise, Harry Gordon Selfridge, played winningly by Jeremy Piven in the series “Mr. Selfridge”  – H.G. Selfridge changed the way Americans, and then the British, shopped. Charismatic, innovative and flawed, the department store he built in 1909 on Oxford Street in London, still stands proudly today as his prominent and popular legacy.

Do You Show Your Own Family the Deference You Pay to the Merest Stranger? Politeness Is Rooted in Kindness, You Know! - Says Fern Howard

Most people are able to cope with circumstances under ordinary conditions, but few of us are capable of saving poise in the case of an emergency.

Several years ago, Mr. H. G. Selfridge was showing the late Elbert Hubbard thru the various departments of Marshall Field & Company. They were passing thru the cut glass department, when there was a terrific crash. Turning about, they observed that a clerk had fallen from a step ladder and, in falling, had destroyed hundreds of dollars worth of cut glass. 

Mr. Selfridge made but one remark: “Are you hurt, young man?” On receiving word that the man was uninjured. Mr. Selfridge joined his guest and passed on as though nothing had happened. It was an admirable example of what poise will do for a man.

Recently, while seated in a certain church where I had gone to listen to a minister whose only son had been killed while fighting in France, a women who was a spiritualist entered and took the seat directly in front of me. 

After the services were over she remarked to the pastor. “I wanted to take the front seat but your son was sitting there.” With the most perfect poise in the world, the minister replied, “My son is a gentleman and would be glad to give his seat to a lady.” The minister was not a spiritualist and I'd not believe that the astral body of his son was seated there, hut as he had perfect poise, he was able to make a sane and balanced reply,

But perhaps the most perfect example of poise I have ever heard of. was that of a young mother whose six-year-old child upset a glass of milk on a fresh table cloth. There were no guests at her table - stranger to hear, and marvel at, her poise-but that splendid young mother merely said, softly, to the child: “Table cloths will wash. Never mind, dear.”

This mother showed to her child the same politeness she would have shown to a guest. How many mothers, in a case of this sort, would have spoken as she did? Very few. She was a mother in a hundred.

All social forms and laws of etiquette are based in kindness, so when we observe the rules of politeness in our family circle, we are in reality, only showing them the same kindness we show strangers. Our poise is often a means of saving others from embarrassment. Why should we not exert poise in our own homes and show our dear ones the consideration we pay to the merest stranger?

“You get on my nerves!” I once heard a mother exclaim - a mother of a type very different from the one Just mentioned and, as I passed on, I thought to myself: “That child hears rasping ejaculations of that sort all her childhood; consequently, when she grows up and marries, she will talk in that fashion to her own children; and when her children’s children marry, they will perpetuate the custom - the lack of poise in dealing with young children.”

So, the time to stop this endless chain of rudeness to our loved ones is now. And the place to stop it is in our own homes. Let us start to day! – By Fern Howard, for Long Beach Telegram, 1916

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An Agony Aunt on Etiquette

Amy is acquiring her vocabulary somewhere! From you? School? Playmates? Check around and I suggest you begin in your own home. Blasphemy and vulgarity are habit forming and perhaps such words slip from your own lips unconsciously.

Dear Mrs. Tobin:

Our 9-year-old daughter's language would stop the devil in his tracks. Punishing her doesn't make a bit of difference. We are often embarrassed by her mouth. Any suggestions? —Amy's Parents

Dear Parents:

Amy is acquiring her vocabulary somewhere! From you? School? Playmates? Check around and I suggest you begin in your own home. Blasphemy and vulgarity are habit forming and perhaps such words slip from your own lips unconsciously.

Dear Mrs. Tobin:

We called friends last Monday night and invited them for dessert and bridge. They turned us down because of the stupid baseball game. We think they were rude. Do you? —No Fan

Dear No Fan:

You think the Monday night baseball game is stupid. They think the same about Monday night dessert and bridge. Pick one of the six remaining nights in the week to get together.

Dear Mrs. Tobin:

The doctors just told me my husband has a terminal illness. While we don't expect a miracle we haven't given up, nor am I ready to tell our friends just how ill he is. What should I say when friends bore in for an answer? I'm sure they mean well. —Claire D.

Dear Claire D.:

Say, “The doctors are treating him and we all hope for a steady improvement.” Then ask about THEM! —By Riv Tobin, Copley News Service, 1975

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Rude Boy Worries Adults

Miss Bailey didn't nag or harass him about his rude conduct. She remembered to be courteous to him at all times. It was Chuck's responsibility to correct his conduct and not his teacher's. I commend Miss Bailey's method as constructive child guidance.

MOTHER is disturbed because her James is rude and discourteous. Mother thinks that at age 10 a boy should have better manners than to interrupt adult conversation. “I have scolded him time and again, but it seems to do no good.”

And scolding will never achieve your purpose, mother. Today I saw a new boy in our school behaving in the same way.

A child protested: “Chuck is getting mouthy again, Miss Bailey. I can't study when he starts that.” Chuck hastened to defend him- self. “Well, what if I did? What's so terrible about that? I don't talk any more than the others.”


PUPILS ASKED TO HELP
Miss Bailey saw that if Chuck conformed to the desires of his group, they would have to stimulate the desire for him to do so. She stopped, and asked how many children were willing to take time from their work to help Chuck come to an understanding with the group. “Why shouldn't Chuck talk when he likes?” she asked her class. “He says he doesn't see anything terrible about it. Why do you object, Fred?”

ATTITUDE OF CHILDREN
“It isn't terrible,” replied Fred, “but it's impolite because he talks when it disturbs us to listen.” “What do you think, Jane? You sit close to Chuck.”

“I think if we leave him alone that he ought to be fair with us. We don't talk when he reads or recites.”

Chuck wanted to argue about it, but group opinion proved too much for him. Finally the teacher asked him to write in his citizenship book the rule which the class adopted: “Talking out of turn is disrespectful and rude. It shows lack of consideration for the rights of others.”

BOY REACHES DECISION
Then she asked him to think it over and below the class rule write what he was going to do about it. He didn't write anything until near- ly recess time when he wrote delib- erately just two words: "Keep still." But in those two words Chuck committed himself to conform to his group, and his group will remind him if he errs. With wise guidance he will learn to refrain from annoying others and he will learn self-respect through group approval.

TEACHER SHOWS COURTESY Miss Bailey didn't nag or harass him about his rude conduct. She remembered to be courteous to him at all times. It was Chuck's responsibility to correct his conduct and not his teacher's. I commend Miss Bailey's method as constructive child guidance. – By James Samuel Lacy, 1933

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Etiquette, Parenting and a Pick-Pocket

                                                                                         

It just isn’t possible to be Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde parents. We can’t make one code for ourselves and another for our children. They will insist upon sharing our code. Mother can never hope to teach her child honesty and openly practice dishonesty in her presence. 

Little Lady Pick-Pocket

I know a mother who severely chastised her child for taking money from her purse without permission, and expending it to suit her childish fancy. She punished her, berated her act, and named it theft. And then discoursed on the terrible disgrace of being a thief. She asked the teacher to keep an eye on her to see that she did not appear in school with the fruits of petit larceny about her. How do you suppose this child evolved the notion of appropriating another’s property? I could not but wonder, since she came from a home where funds were ample and the opportunities of a generous allowance were provided her. 

X encouraged the child to make a confidant of me and sought to have her elucidate the problem we were to help her overcome. She explained that she didn't think she was stealing at all since mother took money from father’s pocket-book when he didn’t know it. “And mother,” she suggested, “gets a lot more allowance than I do.” I tried to explain that mother was father’s partner, and that they probably had an understanding regarding the family funds, but the child remained firm and finally said, “Well, just the same they have lots of fights about it, but mother doesn’t stop it.” 

The father confirmed the truth of the child’s statement. This mother was objecting to her own pattern. Where do you suppose she expected her child to get her notion of respect for the property of others? She not only failed to play the game squarely financially herself but subjected the child to the sordid discussions that followed when she picked father’s pockets. It just isn’t possible to be Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde parents. We can’t make one code for ourselves and another for our children. They will insist upon sharing our code. Mother can never hope to teach her child honesty and openly practice dishonesty in her presence. 

Better begin now, mother, to set your child an honest example or you will be shocked in a few years to hear your young daughter say or infer by her attitude that her mother is a hypocrite whose advice she can't afford to take seriously. There is a cure for little lady pick-pocket, mother, and I think it consists in a frank explanation on your part that it is unfair and unwise to take or appropriate the property of another. It doesn’t matter if that person is a member of your own family, and responsible for your care. Why not agree that you will both refrain from a habit that you know leads to unfairness and dishonesty. There’s no disgrace in admitting you were wrong. I think your daughter will respect you all the more if you are sincere and live up to your agreement. – James Samuel Lacy, 1929

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Instill Manners Early at Home

Children usually do not intend to be rude, but the very novelty of a situation sometimes embarrasses and so surprises them that they do not know what to do. Consequently “acting smart” is their refuge, and too often it appears at the table. A little home practice would save all this humiliation for both mother and child.

“Making Manners”

“Mary, Betty has such nice manners. I wish my children would behave like her when we go out to dine!” How often we hear a mother comment thus on some little girl who is “conspicuous” for her ladylike ways. Indeed, manners are to be valued as much in children as in grown people. These very little ones are later to be the grown people, and if their manners are to become a part of their everyday life, these graces and little courtesies must be encouraged to grow up with them, so they will reach perfection in later years. 

I have in mind a mother who has made a special point of good manners in bringing up her six-year-old daughter. This does not mean that she wants the little one to have an affected society suavity, but that she wants her to reflect the charm and refinement of the household. The mother demands company manners every day in the week. She serves the dinner each night in the dining room rather than amid the informality of the breakfast room or kitchen nook, although she does her own work and it means extra household tasks. 

This may seem a trivial step in manner making, but children respond more quickly to example and surroundings than they do to preaching and instructions. Dinner in the dining room, in this case, means that extra pains are taken to have the meal pleasant and attractive, and everyone is expected to help maintain this atmosphere. The mother may still wear her house dress, but it is sure to be spick and span and the little six-year-old is dressed late in the afternoon after her nap, ready for the evening meal. Her manners are practiced with the rest of the family, and she learns that politeness is not to be put on when going out to dine or having company, but is to be worn on all occasions.

Children usually do not intend to be rude, but the very novelty of a situation sometimes embarrasses and so surprises them that they do not know what to do. Consequently “acting smart” is their refuge, and too often it appears at the table. A little home practice would save all this humiliation for both mother and child. Eating in the dining room is just one means of teaching children that certain conventions help to make things pleasantly and that good breeding makes people welcome. As mothers train their children, so will they reflect that training as they go out into the world, and when they meet praise because of their conduct and manners, they will be grateful to her for the trouble she has taken. —Mill Valley Record, 1926

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Jekyll and Hyde Manners

Please, no crooked or extended pinky fingers! – One mark of the unpolished man is his obvious eagerness to appear polished. Never is it more noticeable than at a formal dinner. Hoisting a teacup, he crooks his little finger. Instead of wiping his mouth with a napkin, he purses his lips and “pat-pats” them.

  Exposing the Unpolished Man

One mark of the polished man is that he doesn’t knock himself out being polished. He may have committed a dozen etiquette books to memory but doesn’t flaunt the fact. He’s casual and unaffected. His good manners seem to flow spontaneously from innate good taste, breeding and a flair for the appropriate. He doesn't wear his savoir-faire on his sleeve. 

One mark of the unpolished man is his obvious eagerness to appear polished. Never is it more noticeable than at a formal dinner. Hoisting a teacup, he crooks his little finger. Instead of wiping his mouth with a napkin, he purses his lips and “pat-pats” them. He makes a big fuss over which fork to use and finally, when told to copy his hostess, bugs this lady by scrutinizing her every move. Determined to please, he dislpleases his hostess. Before embarrassing his hostess by reporting a smudge on his spoon, he –charitably and conspicuously – cleans it with his napkin. He makes a great to-do about transferring his fork from left to right hand after cutting his meat, unaware that Europeans have been eating with their left hands for centuries and disdain the American's clumsy crisscross method. 

The unpolished man frequently has two sets of table manners – dowdy ones for home, and “Sunday-go-to-meeting ones” for company. This is doubly unfortunate. First, schizophrenic table manners fool no one. Secondly, the owner slights his taste buds. Frequently, he is practicing an etiquette that went out years ago, if it ever existed. He will risk ptomaine, for example, rather than remove suspect food from his mouth. He will eat cold filet rather than begin eating before all 40 guests are served. And finally, before reaching a few inches for a vegetable, he will inconvenience his neighbor to pass it or forego a second serving. 

But endeavoring to be Mr. Hyde at one’s own table and Dr. Jekyll at everyone else’s, may have even cruder consequences. They involve a man’s family. His wife, seeing him in both roles, silently, or perhaps not so silently, deplores the hypocrisy of it all. And his children, rarely privileged to see his good company manners, have no alternative but to copy his bad at-home ones.

Q and A on P’s and Q’s 
(Q) "Is it wrong to cut salad with a knife?" N.R. 
(A) It used to be, but expediency and the advent of the head-lettuce salad have made a fossil of this particular taboo. If you don't need a knife, naturally don't use one. But if you need one and a salad knife isn't provided, don't hesitate to use your table knife. – By Don Goodwin, 1963

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Teacher Fired Over Table Manners

Ate with His Knife — Picked Teeth with a Fork — Charge is Made

Proprietor of School Declares Table Manners of Teacher Confounded Etiquette

LOS ANGELES, June 15.—Because it is claimed he ate with a knife and picked teeth with a fork and was disloyal to the school, it was alleged by T. O. Adams, proprietor of the Yale English and Classical School, that Homer Scott, an Instructor in the school, should not collect $150.00 due him on a contract as teacher. The case was heard by Justice Reeves yesterday. 

Many boys were brought into court as witnesses to prove that Mr. Scott was not properly qualified as an Instructor. Scott alleged he was discharged before the end of the term and under the terms of his contract, the money for his services for the entire term of school was due. The case was taken under advisement. — Chico Record, June 1912

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Etiquette and Parenting

There are none so ready as young children to assume airs of equality; and if they are allowed to treat one class of superiors in age and character disrespectfully, they will soon use the privilege universally.

If parents allow their children to talk to them, and to the grown persons in the family, in the same style in which they address each other, it will be in vain to hope for the courtesy of manner and tone which good breeding demands in the general intercourse of society. In a large family, where the elder children are grown up, and the younger are small, it is important to require the latter to treat the elder in some sense as superiors. 

There are none so ready as young children to assume airs of equality; and if they are allowed to treat one class of superiors in age and character disrespectfully, they will soon use the privilege universally. This is the reason, why the youngest children of a family are most apt to be pert, forward, and unmannerly. — From American Woman's Home, by Catherine E. Beecher and Harriet Beecher Stowe

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Neglected Etiquette in Homes

When the children are small they take father and mother as the example to follow, and what they see in the impressionable age is what they will copy as the correct line of conduct in later years

A Woman's Viewpoint in 1913, 
of  
What to Do and How 

Perhaps the most neglected feature in the whole curriculm of etiquette is the courtesy due our own home folks. The saying that “familiarity breeds contempt” is exemplified in too many American homes by the manners of the inmates —one toward another. The parents are largely responsible. 

When the children are small they take father and mother as the example to follow, and what they see in the impressionable age is what they will copy as the correct line of conduct in later years. It therefore behooves father and mother to exert toward each other the same gracious courtesy and consideration that marked their honeymoon days. 

When the growing son sees his father retain his seat when mother enters the room, he will follow suit and never think of rising and offering a chair to mother or sisters. If father permits his wife to wait on him at table, seeing that he is served first and letting her own meal grow cold in order that the appetite of the head of the family may be quickly appeased, the boy will feel that he, too, being a male animal, should be accorded the same deference. 

On the other hand, the wife who fails in graciously acknowledging, by a word or a smile, the little courtesies of her husband, is setting an example of bad manners and selfishness to the daughter, who will feel that it is only her due to be waited on by the opposite sex. A good plan is to keep the same set of manners for the home as prevail outside of it.— From "The Hostess," in the Sacramento Union, 1913

 Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia