Etiquette of the Sultan’s Punch

Neither the Sultan nor any of the officials present had a drop of wine. None was on the table, nor was any handed round except to unbelievers. The claret, however, was so good that my husband could not resist asking the Grand Master of Ceremonies, ‘Who tasted and chose the wine for the Imperial table?’…” — Image source of a beautiful Art Nouveau claret jug, Twitter

In Max Muller’s honor the Sultan gave him a dinner. Of course,  Max Muller was not invited, but the lady, in her ‘‘Letters From Constantinople,” describes it, and the little incident how the Sultan drew the line between wine and punch is amusing: “Nobody spoke except the Sultan, whose conversation with the ambassador was most animated, though carried on entirely by an interpreter. My husband, not knowing the Turkish etiquette, began to talk French to his neighbor, but received such very short answers that he, too, relapsed into silence. The Sultan, who had evidently seen this, beckoned to Munir Pasha, who whispered something to the ministers of war and marine and began to talk very pleasantly, encouraged by a look from the Sultan not to mind such a breach of etiquette. 

“Neither the Sultan nor any of the officials present had a drop of wine. None was on the table, nor was any handed round except to unbelievers. The claret, however, was so good that my husband could not resist asking the Grand Master of Ceremonies, ‘Who tasted and chose the wine for the Imperial table?’ He shrugged his shoulders, as though he would say, ‘You can guess. ’ One of the items of the menu was punch. It was iced punch, smelling so strongly that everyone could perceive the alcohol in it, but neither the Sultan nor any of his guests were afraid of it. It was called punch, and punch is not forbidden in the Koran.” — San Diego Union and Daily Bee, 1897

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Troops Learned Cultural Differences

Adopt his table manners and —always with your right hand —dip into the tasty, fluffy green dish called couscous, leaving something in the bowl for the women and children who will be served later. Accept three cups of mint-flavored tea, but never a fourth.Be generous with your cigarettes, it will be much appreciated.

U.S. Troops, When Entering a Yard, Must Call to Women to Put On Their Veils — Told Table Etiquette— 

Should Dip Into Dish of Couscous With Right Hand When Eating With Arabs

WASHINGTON, Dec. 18 — The strict rules of etiquette governing social relations in Africa, particularly as regards the conduct of men toward women, were compressed into a forty-two-page booklet issued to our soldiers in Morocco and Algiers, which was summarized today in a description issued by the War Department. (A dispatch from North Africa last month told of the issuance of the booklet.)

The book emphatically warns soldiers about the necessity of showing complete respect for the religion of Islam and cautioned them against arguments about religion. As for standard etiquette, the book contains the following advice:
“Serious injury, if not death at the hands of Muslim men, may result if these few rules in regard to their women folk are not obeyed: 

• Never stare at one. 
• Never jostle her in a crowd. 
• Never speak to her in public. 
• Never try to remove the veil.

“When dining with a Muslim host: 

• Adopt his table manners and —always with your right hand —dip into the tasty, fluffy green dish called couscous, leaving something in the bowl for the women and children who will be served later. 
• Accept three cups of mint-flavored tea, but never a fourth.
• Be generous with your cigarettes, it will be much appreciated.

“When you shop:

• Bargain for all you're worth, but politely. 
• Try to learn to talk to the North Africans in Arabic; they will like you for it, no matter how poorly you pronounce it. 
• When you are about to enter a house or yard, call out to the women ‘Taghattu,’ which means ‘Cover up!’

“Watch out for:

• Lice, scorpions, cobras, asps and too much sunburn.
• Shake hands gently with North Africans. 
• Never strike one; while no bruisers, they're handy with knives. 
• Never give Muslims alcoholic drinks or pork. 
• Don't bring a dog into the house. 

“Remember that people whose customs and conduct differ from your own, are not to be regarded as queer.” — The New York times, 1942

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of Different Faiths

Depiction of a traditional Jewish marriage ceremony, by R. Taylor. —“People of all cultures are coming into contact more frequently, and that includes at one another’s religious ceremonies,” says book publisher, Stuart Matlin. “We all have relatives of different faiths. It is increasingly common for people we know, and people we work with, to invite us to their life cycle events. We all want to do what is expected of us.”

What Miss Manners Didn’t Tell You

The things Miss Manners forgot to tell us about religion are enough to fill a book.

But despair not. Much of what’s missing can be found in “How to Be a Perfect Stranger” (Jewish Lights), a new guide to religious etiquette that helps guests avoid the ecclesiastical equivalent of eating a blintz with a berry spoon.

Picture it: You go to the graveside service of a Quaker funeral and discover you’re not invited. It’s for family only.

You fail to attend the internment ceremony of a Mormon funeral. Later you learn that the family expected you.

“People of all cultures are coming into contact more frequently, and that includes at one another’s religious ceremonies,” says the book’s publisher, Stuart Matlin. “We all have relatives of different faiths. It is increasingly common for people we know, and people we work with, to invite us to their life cycle events. We all want to do what is expected of us.”

The book focuses on special-occasion rituals rather than weekly services. Along with a brief description of the rituals and the beliefs behind them, the guide explains appropriate behavior for guests, including proper attire, gift giving, the correct time to arrive and leave, and whether to sit, stand or kneel.

For the most meticulous, the guide provides a list of suggested reading. For others, there is information about which denominations do and do not allow picture taking during services. (Greek Orthodox churches say it’s OK; most others say it’s not.) Every category is included under each of the 20 faith traditions in the book, which makes interfaith comparisons easy.

As expected, America’s largest denominations are included (Catholic, Baptist, Muslim). So are the mainline churches (Episcopalian, Presbyterian). But what qualifies as good behavior for smaller religious traditions is also described.

“We didn’t find that most people in this country have a lot of contact with Quakers and Hindus,” Matlin says. “But there was so much interest, we decided to include them.” Correct form at a Hindu cremation ceremony includes proper attire. Black clothing is not right; most Hindus wear white.

Quakers have special requirements for guests at their traditional Quaker meetings, where members give spoken testimony of their religious experiences. No one is allowed to leave the meeting house during a meeting--especially when someone is speaking.

Some of the most useful advice relates the correct way to greet clergy at a religious service. For example, a Muslim leader is addressed by the title, imam. Ministers and preachers in the Church of Christ do not use any titles; they simply use their proper names.

Some questions the book answers were not easy to get.

“There were some things no one we interviewed wanted to talk about,” says Matlin, who explains that all facts and figures were gathered through questionnaires filled out by a religious leader from each tradition.

“People felt awkward talking about the appropriate amount of money to put in the collection plate,” Matlin says. Still, they did talk. The usual amount is $1 to $5.

There is also the delicate matter of which parts of a service are not open to guests. At some Christian services, church members share bread and wine, or juice, as a communion meal. One tradition considers the meal sacred while another sees it as a symbol of sharing. This affects whether communion is offered to everyone, or only to Christians, or only to members of one particular denomination. Lutherans invite only Lutherans to take part in their communion. Presbyterians invite all. The United Church of Christ varies from parish to parish.

The most sensitive topic in the book has to do with grieving, Matlin says. “There are enormous subtleties in the ways different religious traditions pay respects. In Orthodox Judaism, for example, sending flowers would be a terrible mistake. The custom is to personally come and express condolences.”

A resident of rural Woodstock, Vt., Matlin was a management consultant before he founded Jewish Lights publishing five years ago. His frequent invitations to Catholic and Protestant ceremonies, his wish to say the right thing to his Christian in-laws on their holy holidays, and his travel experiences encouraged him to publish “Perfect Strangers,” which was edited by Arthur J. Magida.

“In the past, this country was less open to outsiders,” Matlin says. “My parents had no friends who were not Jews. There was seldom a non-Jew in our home, and certainly not at our table.” If there had been, they might have consulted the book’s section on proper greetings. At Friday night supper, the Shabbat, visitors to the house greet their hosts with, “Shabbat shalom.” It means “peaceful Sabbath,” in Hebrew.

For his next interfaith project, Matlin plans a sequel. This one will highlight faith traditions with a small membership but a high fascination factor.

The idea came to him when he was visiting relatives in New Mexico. “In Santa Fe, Native Americans are having a problem because visitors don’t know how to behave at their religious ceremonies,” he says. They bring video cameras, walk around when they’re not supposed to, and make a lot of noise, he explains. “Tribal leaders are talking about closing their ceremonies to visitors from now on.”

Maybe not, if perfect stranger II gets there first. — Los Angeles Times, 1996

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia