Gilded Age Necessary Introductions

If a gentleman asks to be presented to a lady, she should signify her assent in a pleasant way, and pay her hostess, through whom the request comes, the compliment of at least seeming to be gratified at the introduction. Our American ladies are sometimes a little lacking in cordiality of manner, often receiving a new acquaintance with that part of their conformation which is known as the “cold shoulder.” A brusque discourtesy is bad, a very effusive courtesy and a too low bow are worse. The proper salutation lies just between the two extremes.

NECESSITY OF INTRODUCING

A WOMAN in her own home can, in America, do pretty much as she pleases, but there is at least one exception - she must not introduce two ladies who reside in the same town. This is many times an awkward and embarrassing restriction, particularly as the other - the Englislı rule - renders it easy enough, that the “roof is an introduction” and that visitors can converse without further notice.

So awkward, however, are Americans about this, that even in very good houses one lady has spoken to another, possibly to a young girl, and has received no reply “because she had not been introduced,” but this mistaken idea is, fortunately, not very common.

Let every lady remember, whether she is from the country or from the most fashionable city house, that no such casual conversation can hurt her. It does not involve a further acquaintance of these two persons: They may cease to know each other when they leave the house; and it would be kinder if they would both relieve the hostess of their joint entertainment by joining in the conversation.

No one of heart or mind need feel afraid to talk and be agreeable, whether introduced or not, at a friend's house; even if she meets with the rebuff of a deaf-and-dumb neighbor, she need not feel heart broken: she is right, and her stiff acquaintance is wrong.

If a gentleman asks to be presented to a lady, she should signify her assent in a pleasant way, and pay her hostess, through whom the request comes, the compliment of at least seeming to be gratified at the introduction. Our American ladies are sometimes a little lacking in cordiality of manner, often receiving a new acquaintance with that part of their conformation which is known as the “cold shoulder.” A brusque discourtesy is bad, a very effusive courtesy and a too low bow are worse. The proper salutation lies just between the two extremes.

In seeking introductions for ourselves, while we need not be shy of making a first visit or asking for an introduction, we must still beware of intrusion. There are instincts in the humblest understanding which will tell us where to draw the line. If a person is socially more prominent than ourselves, or more distinguished in any way, we should not be violently anxious to take the first step; we should wait until some happy chance brings us together, for we must be as firm in our self-respect as our neighbor is secure in her exalted position. 

Wealth has heretofore had very little power to give a person an exclusively fashionable position. Character, breeding, culture, good connections - all must help. An aristocrat who is such by virtue of an old and honored name which has never been tarnished is a power in the newest society as in the oldest; but it is a shadowy power, felt rather than described. Edu- cation is always a power.

To be sure, there is a tyranny in large cities of what is known as the “fashionable set,” formed of people willing to spend money; who make a sort of alliance, offensive and defensive; who can give balls and parties and keep certain people out; who have the place which many covet; who are too much feared and dreaded. If those who desire an introduction to this set strive for it too much, they will be sure to be snubbed; for this circle lives by snubbing. If such an aspirant will wait patiently, either the whole autocratic set of ladies will disband - for such sets disentangle easily or else they in their turn will come knocking at the door and ask to be received.

It takes many years for a new and an uninstructed set to surmount all the little awkwardnesses, the dubious points of etiquette, that come up in every new shuffle of the social cards; but a modest and serene courtesy, a civility which is not servile, will be a good introduction into any society.

The place given here to the ill-bred is only conceded to them that one may realize the great demands made upon the tact and the good feeling of a hostess. She must have a quick apprehension; she may and will remember, however, that it is very easily forgiven, this kind-heartedness - that it is better to sin against etiquette than to do an unkind thing.

Great pains should be taken by a hostess to introduce shy people. Young people are those whose pleasure must depend on introductions.

It is well for a lady in presenting two strangers to say something which may break the ice, and make the conversation easy and agreeable; as, for instance, “Mrs. Moon, allow me to present Mr. Star, who has just arrived from New England,” or, “Mrs. Rose, allow ine to present Mrs. Palmer, of Boston - or Chicago,” so that the two may naturally have a question and answer ready with which to step over the threshold of conversation without tripping.

In making an introduction, the gentleman is presented to the lady, with some such informal speech as this: “Mrs. C., allow me to present Mr. D.,” or, “Mrs. C., Mr. D. desires the honor of knowing you.” In introducing two women, present the younger to the older woman, the question of rank not holding good in our society where the position of the husband, be he judge, general, senator, or president even, does not give his wife fashionable position. She may be of far less importance in the great world of society than some Mrs. Jones, who, having nothing else, is set down as of the highest rank in that unpublished but well-known book of heraldry which is so thoroughly understood in America as a tradition.

It is the proper thing for a gentleman to ask a mutual friend or an acquaintance to introduce him to a lady, and there are few occasions when this request is refused. In our crowded ballrooms, chaperons often ask young men if they will be introduced to their charges. It is better before asking the young men of this present luxurious age, if they will not only be introduced, but if they propose to dance, with the young lady, else that young person may be mortified by a snub. — From “Polite Life and Etiquette or What is Right and the Social Arts,” by Georgene Corry Benham, 1891

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Gilded Age Introductions of Foreigners and Politicians

In introducing a foreigner, it is proper to present him as “Mr. Leslie, from England;” “Mr. La Rue from France.” 
Likewise when presenting an American who has recently returned after traveling in distant lands, make him known as “Mr. Dunlap, lately from France,” or “Mr. Meadows, recently from Italy.”

In introducing parties, be careful to pronounce each name distinctly, as there is nothing more awkward than to have one's name miscalled.

• In introducing a foreigner, it is proper to present him as “Mr. Leslie, from England;” “Mr. La Rue from France.” 
• Likewise when presenting an American who has recently returned after traveling in distant lands, make him known as “Mr. Dunlap, lately from France,” or “Mr. Meadows, recently from Italy.”

It is very easy to make these slight specifications, and they at once afford an opening for conversation between the two strangers, for nothing will be more natural than to ask “the recently arrived” something about his voyage, or the places he has seen during his travels.

• When presenting a governor, designate the State he governs as, “Governor Fenton of New York.” 
• In introducing a member of Congress, mention the State to which he belongs, as “Mr. Sherman of Ohio,” or “Mr. Banks of Massachusetts.” 
• Do not forget that Congress includes the two legislative bodies.— Martine’s Handbook, 1870 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Introduction Etiquette

Another bit of etiquette equally well defined is that a lady, after a gentleman has been introduced to her, should, on another meeting, recognize him first, it being her prerogative to drop the acquaintance if she sees fit. This bit of etiquette, however, is apt to be ignored, women instinctively falling into the habit of waiting for men to take the initiative in recognition, as everything else. Women frequently complain of the discourtesy of men in this matter, while the latter are merely observing the form of courtesy which etiquette has ordained.

Although it is an established rule of etiquette that persons meeting in society are at liberty to speak without an introduction when they know each other by sight, Americans are not very likely to do so; however familiar they may be with the rule. While it devolves on the host and hostess to introduce their guests, they cannot, of necessity, introduce more than a part of them; hence part of the duty falls upon the guest themselves. The awkwardness, even the anoyance of repeatedly meeting men and women with whose names and faces you are entirely familiar, but to whom you have not been introduced, is constantly observable in social circles. The presumption that members of the same calling, or of the same set, always know each other is entirely unwarranted. 

Even should they know each other, it can do no harm, if there be any doubt in the introducer’s mind, to represent them. It is easy to say: “ I suppose, Mrs. or Miss—, you are acquainted with Mr.—” or “No doubt, Mr.—, you have met Mr.—.” If the parties have been introduced, the offered courtesy will not be superfluous or embarrassing. If they have not been, the politeness is well-timed. The absence or neglect of this attention has a tendency to create a sort of antagonism between persons visually acquainted who have met again and again without recognition. Each is inclined to think: “He knows me very well, but he will not speak. If he feels so, I am sure I will not be the one to speak first.” 

We have known persons of prominence, men particularly; to encounter one another at parties and receptions through a whole season without an introduction. Having many friends in general, and being constantly thrown together, the mistake is naturally made that they are acquainted. Another bit of etiquette equally well defined is that a lady, after a gentleman has been introduced to her, should, on another meeting, recognize him first, it being her prerogative to drop the acquaintance if she sees fit. This bit of etiquette, however, is apt to be ignored, women instinctively falling into the habit of waiting for men to take the initiative in recognition, as everything else. Women frequently complain of the discourtesy of men in this matter, while the latter are merely observing the form of courtesy which etiquette has ordained. -Scribner's Monthly, 1875

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia