Etiquette and Leaning on the Table

  

This is not “good form,” nor hardly necessary, since every one can hear without leaning forward, but even careful and well-mannered people may occasionally relax from “form” when in intimate circles, thus becoming “informal.”

It is not correct to lean the arms or elbows on the table, and one should never allow himself this lax, if pleasant, habit unless it is at a most informal and intimate dinner where, after the main courses are finished, three or four persons draw near together over the cloth for earnest or pleasant talk. This is not “good form,” nor hardly necessary, since every one can hear without leaning forward, but even careful and well-mannered people may occasionally relax from “form” when in intimate circles, thus becoming “informal.” 

This allowable laxity does not, however, relate to such manners as would become offensive, obnoxious, or disgusting to others. To instance: it is exceedingly bad form to use a toothpick, or otherwise fuss with the teeth at a formal dinner, but it is exactly as bad form to do the same thing if there is but one other person present and that person should be a child. To see another person pick his teeth, or to hear him make sucking noises through them is disgusting, and if one does it he justly earns the censure and contumely of whoever is next.

When you sit at table, sit squarely on your chair, not on the extreme edge or at the side. Sit so you will be comfortable and then sit quietly. Do not put your feet on the rungs of the chair, or kick the table legs. – Della Thompson Lutes, 1923 

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Where’s a School of Table Etiquette?

Domestic Science schools lure the eye and tickle the palate... —“Not less necessary is it, perhaps, to refined tastes under reasonable and civilized cultivation, to know how to dispose of the food thus tastefully and tactfully prepared, in a manner inoffensive to the casual spectator. Pertinent is it, therefore, to inquire: “Where is our School of Table Etiquette?” Presumably, etiquette of the table is to the manor born. But we find it necessary to have our schools of parlor etiquette. Why, therefore, is it not expedient to have a course in table manners which shall teach us the disadvantage of trying to imbibe soup with a fork—and some other, graver things?”

In 1909 they asked, “Where is a School of Table Etiquette?”

Everywhere, schools of domestic science are bring installed with promising success in the effort to lure the eye and tickle the palate in gustatory function. By the side of these commendable educational efforts in the art of keeping ourselves alive for a normal period, are other schools devoted to the scientific study of the value of baled hay, beardless barley, flaked rye, withered cornhusks, little-necked clams, Edam cheese, bread fruit, egg-plant, vegetarian turkey, desiccated jelly-fish, and other delightful comestibles, too numerous to catalogue in this article. It is certainly desirable for the sake of joyful longevity to know how and what to prepare as food. Not less necessary is it, perhaps, to refined tastes under reasonable and civilized cultivation, to know how to dispose of the food thus tastefully and tactfully prepared, in a manner inoffensive to the casual spectator. Pertinent is it, therefore, to inquire: “Where is our School of Table Etiquette?”

Presumably, etiquette of the table is to the manor born. But we find it necessary to have our schools of parlor etiquette. Why, therefore, is it not expedient to have a course in table manners which shall teach us the disadvantage of trying to imbibe soup with a fork—and some other, graver things? To realize the necessity for such an educational enterprise, we need only partake of a few meals in a public dining-room to perceive the porcine proclivities of some of our “best” people. Men, perhaps, are the chief offenders. Women, as a rule, pay some attention to the semi-natural and common decencies. 

For instance, one seldom witnesses a lady, even of the most mediocre pretensions, sit at table picking her teeth, lolling over the board, licking the teaspoon and sticking it in the sugar, using the knife as a coal shovel, impaling morsels of meat and potato on the fork as if spearing fish in the Columbia River, straining the coffee through the mustache, bolting food by the bucket with a loud gurgling noise, lassoing dishes across the table which might easily be passed upon a simple neighborly request, and other delightful stunts in the gentle art of dining too unspeakable to be mentioned. Possibly a lady of high degree may be observed removing an unchewable morsel from the mouth on the tines of a fork or on the point of a spoon in full view, so that all assembled may enjoy the unappetizing spectacle. Possibly also, if she has attended a school of table etiquette, she will remove the offending bit of food under cover and in a way not to attract undue attention. 

Indeed, the possibility is that she will behave at table with a commendable degree of rectitude, even to the extent of refraining from proper chewing of her food lest the masticatory exercise will distort her cherubic mouth to such an extent, that the services of a beauty doctor must be summoned. But the men! Oh, horrors! Let us forthwith have a “Department of Table Etiquette” attached to every Grammar and High School to whose sessions women may and men must attend or suffer the penalties of starvation and ostracism from ordinarily polite society. The sooner man learns the use of the knife, fork and spoon, as well as modest quietude at table, the better for the reputation of our vaunted civilization. — San Jose Mercury News, 1909

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia©️ Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gentlemanly Behavior in Public

The gentleman never smokes, or spits upon the walk, to the exceeding annoyance of those who are always disgusted with tobacco in any shape.

Good behavior upon the street, or public promenade, marks the gentleman most effectually; rudeness, incivility, disregard of “what the world says,” marks the person of low breeding. We always know, in walking a square with a man, if he is a gentleman or not. A real gentility never does the following things on the street, in presence of observers:—

• Never picks the teeth, nor scratches the head.
• Never swears or talks uproariously.
• Never picks the nose with the finger.
• Never smokes, or spits upon the walk, to the exceeding annoyance of those who are always disgusted with tobacco in any shape.
• Never stares at any one, man or woman, in a marked manner.
• Never scans a lady's dress impertinently, and makes no rude remarks about her.
• Never crowds before promenaders in a rough or hurried way.
• Never jostles a lady or gentleman without an “excuse me.”
• Never treads upon a lady's dress without begging pardon.
• Never loses temper, nor attracts attention by excited conversation.
• Never dresses in an odd or singular manner, so as to create remark.
• Never fails to raise his hat politely to a lady acquaintance; nor to a male friend who may be walking with a lady—it is a courtesy to the lady.– Beadle’s Dime Book of Practical Etiquette, 1859

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

A Toothpick Etiquette Lesson

It is narrow and provincial to despise people for their disregard of certain small rules of etiquette. The things we despise them for, which may be glaring errors in Seattle or New York, may be again, as like as not, the correct thing in Paris and London

 A Visit to London and a Little Lesson In Etiquette

“I ran over for a short visit to London,” said a globe trotter. “On the boat was a pretty widow from Altona who disgusted and amused all hands one day by saying; 'I am surprised that a fast and expensive boat like this should fail to supply us with toothpicks."  She thought toothpicks indispensable, like napkins or forks. For thinking so, we set her down as a hecker. 

But wait. I dined during my visit in London at Prince's, in Piccadilly and at the Savoy, in the room that overlooks the embankment and the river, and at the Carlton, where I paid a dollar for a plate of soup, and at all of these restaurants, which are admittedly the finest, the smartest and the most fashionable in the world. At all of them there were toothpicks on the table, each toothpick done up in a sterilized envelope.' This taught me a lesson. It taught me that it is narrow and provincial to despise people for their disregard of certain small rules of etiquette. The things we despise them for, which may be glaring errors in Seattle or New York, may be again, as like as not, the correct thing in Paris and London.”— New York Press, 1906

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia