Gilded Age Polite Society

Life brings a discipline to all; a discipline which bears directly upon every human being, making it his duty to be acceptable to his fellow-creatures. And unless certain tenets of good behavior are acknowledged and endorsed by society, how is the novice to know when he has trespassed upon good manners?

A subject which has been handled in many ways, and by many minds, always presents difficulties to one who attempts to set it forth in a new light. And yet the theme of our book is susceptible of many new thoughts, and many changes of old thoughts which are of value to the reader. The etiquette of polite society changes so materially in some phases, and with such marked contrast among different peoples and periods, that it is almost a hopeless task to formulate rules that shall absolutely govern with the same unchangeability that stamped the laws of the Medes and the Persians.

The nearest approach to such a task is to give to the inquirer those usages and forms which prevail in good society, and which, with slight modifications, are adapted to any part of the habitable globe. And while these rules are, in their general contour, applicable to any position in life, the good sense and knowledge of fitness of things, will help to a comprehension of those exceptional occasions, when even the etiquette which obtains everywhere, can be changed in a slight degree, without marring the force of the custom as usually accepted. 

The fact that the rules of good behavior are current everywhere, is based on their being the outgrowth of something more substantial than mere forms. They are grounded in that kindness of heart, that unselfish desire to make one'self agreeable and attractive, which must have a place with all, ere they can lay claim to being truly polite.

Life brings a discipline to all; a discipline which bears directly upon every human being, making it his duty to be acceptable to his fellow-creatures. And unless certain tenets of good behavior are acknowledged and endorsed by society, how is the novice to know when he has trespassed upon good manners?

The deepest thinkers all unite in pronouncing human nature essentially selfish. But, by studying the rules laid down by good society for guidance, and practicing them continually, they become second nature, and selfishness is kept in the background. Politeness becomes easy, if habitual, and performs its mission in bringing its followers up from the plane of self-love to a higher moral one, where thoughtless self-gratification is subdued, and time and attention are devoted to looking after the comfort and welfare of others.

Much remains to be said upon the value of good manners. They should be the outgrowth of character; a character built up in youth. Character is more than reputation. The young should learn its value, and early acquire it. The world may misunderstand - it generally does misconstrue human actions. But a clear conscience, a kindly nature, and fine manners, can conquer all things.

But even though certain customs may change, the principles which underlie social laws ever remain the same. Regarding etiquette then, from a higher standpoint than the mere following of certain set forms, we have added to those forms truths that lie deeper than outward observances. Mere politeness, unaccompanied by a desire to make it a nature of daily life, is very empty and unsatisfying. The moral nature must be developed at the same time, and the innate tendency to prefer self, must be kept in abeyance.

The life will then grow beautiful, the expressions of good will to all become spontaneous, and a broader culture, which is an aid to success in the world, will result. Good manners are pivots upon which a man's fortunes may be said to turn. Who is so unwelcome as the person destitute of them? No one likes to transact business with such a one, no pleasure is afforded by his society.

It is the aim of this work to impress upon all the importance of acquiring them; not alone for the pleasure which they afford, but because they are links in the chain which binds human beings to each other, and to a Higher Power.

Indifference to the comfort of others betokens a selfish, coarse nature, and repels those whose sympathies are active, and to whom civility is the natural expression of gentle def- erence, ever seeking to confer pleasure upon others. To all our readers is this volume especially addressed, with the sincere desire that profit and instruction may be gathered from its pages. And we feel certain that it will help the novice or the timid one, to know just what to do under all circumstances, assisting all to avoid those mortifying mistakes which are so distressing to a proud and sensitive nature. 

Every line has been penned with the hope that our treatment of the important subject of etiquette will make the duties of social life more clear, and awaken a desire for that culture which raises the soul to a more lofty ideal of the life we live here. –THE AUTHOR. 

From Polite Society at Home and Abroad, by Annie Randall White, 1895

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette, Honesty and Integrity

In a world full of old and new etiquette books, we highly recommend the late-Amy Vanderbilt’s books. They can hold many treasures, not the least of which is terrific etiquette advice!

The Proper Etiquette? 

Return the Money

DENVER (AP) - A garage sale buff who found $475 inside a copy of Amy Vanderbilt's book on “Everyday Etiquette” didn't need the late Ms. Vanderbilt to advise her on the proper thing to do. 

Robin A. located the book's former owner, Francis T., 14 years after Mrs. T. hid it there in an old Easter card, and returned the money.

Ms. A. was flipping through books at the garage sale sponsored by the Arthritis Foundation on Aug. 17 when she came upon the Vanderbilt guide to proper everyday behavior.

As she thumbed through the book the card fell out, with the cash stuffed inside. Ms. A. noted the name and address on the card, bought the book and contacted Mrs. T., who lives in northwest Denver.

Mrs. T. said she had hidden the money inside the card 14 years ago, put it in the book and forgot all about it. She gave Ms. A. a $75 reward. – The Desert Sun, 1985

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and All That Jazz

TORRANCE, May 15.-All dances planned at Torrance high school have been called off indefinitely by Principal Herbert Wood because of an impending struggle between two factions in the community over the subject of the school dances. The anti-dance faction is led by the Rev. R. A. Young of the Methodist church, contending that the school is not the proper place for a dance and that the dances act as a stimulant rather than as a repression to jazz.— California, 1929

Jig Club Fights Jazz and its Accompanying Bad Manners

ROUEN, France, (UP) Feb. 2— A Norman Jig club has been organized here to combat jazz and ragtime dancing and “the bad manners which accompany them.”

Members must be 33 or over. The club will revive Norman folk dances and popularize old fashioned dance manners.—Madeira Tribune, 1931

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

The History of Etiquette

As the civilized race now stands, either man or woman can be refined, regardless of shape of hat he or she wears. This was true in any century, but 200 years ago and back of that period a gentleman and lady could, according to approved etiquette, gobble food with their hands from a common dish...

Morality, Ethics and Table Manners 

All Tie in Together to Guide Us 

Etiquette is a form of fashion more important than style in dress, for the reason that the varying codes of manners have influenced morals, something changing the cut of a coat cannot be said to have done. When etiquette demanded that a gentleman accept a challenge or acknowledge himself a coward in the minds of his fellow citizens, it encroached sharply upon ethics. Now that it has gone out of fashion to kill, gentlemen find small difficulty in keeping the sixth commandment. The less formal etiquette becomes, the less wanton taking of life there is among those who consider good breeding of consequence. 

As the civilized race now stands, either man or woman can be refined, regardless of shape of hat he or she wears. This was true in any century, but 200 years ago and back of that period a gentleman and lady could, according to approved etiquette, gobble food with their hands from a common dish set in the center of the dining table and filled with the entire fashionable bill of fare, prepared for the occasion. Gratefully, we now acknowledge such proceedings to be “bad form” and in so doing, pronounce ourselves two centuries removed from the table manners of swine and one point away from that brute, no matter how similar to him our turn of mind may remain in some other respects. — National Magazine, 1901

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia©️ Etiquette of Encyclopedia

Idleness Corrupts Manners

Next to selfishness, idleness is the greatest corrupter of manners, as well as, of morals. Half the sins of the world may be laid at the door of idleness. If you would keep your boys from becoming gamblers, hangers-on at saloons or political parasites, keep them employed actively.

Next to selfishness, idleness is the greatest corrupter of manners, as well as, of morals. The mother who would see her daughter a happy and contented wife, should implant a love of industry. She should teach her to feel an interest in something good and useful. Gardening, needle-work housekeeping, anything but that paralysis of the faculties that results from idleness. There are women who would not object to doing kindnesses if no effort were required of them. It is too much trouble to go out into the garden and cut a few flowers for a friend who lives in a flat, or a sick child longing for the beauty and odor from which it is shut. Idleness has hung chains of greater weight than iron on the hands that ought to rejoice in doing deeds of kindness. Good intentions and good manners,  struggle to see the light but die still-born, benumbed by idleness. Half the sins of the world may be laid at the door of idleness. If you would keep your boys from becoming gamblers, hangers-on at saloons or political parasites, keep them employed actively. If you would keep your girls sweet, uncorrupted, happy, fill their lives with suitable employment and they can bid the demons of melancholy and despair defiance.— San Jose Mercury, 1896 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia©️ Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Fortunes Told

“What if you see indications in a palm that the owner of the hand will die or incur some other awful misfortune at an early date?” The lady answered that in such a case she always dissembled, and she led me to understand that it was a, matter of professional etiquette among really conscientious palmists not to make known the truth when it was of such a nature that to impart it might be dangerous.  – Reading palms, tea leaves, cards and consulting one’s planets through astrology, enjoyed great popularity as social pastimes in the last few decades of the 19th century and early decades of the 20th century. These pseudosciences, along with Tarot cards and other forms of divination, were promoted in most etiquette books from the late 1800’s. Sadly, the art of tactfully giving one’s social circle any of one’s terrible predictions of “doom and gloom” seen in the palm, a crystal ball or cards, was never mentioned.

Philosophy of Palmistry - Logic Wasted on Those Who Consult Fortune-Tellers

Last week a poor egotistical creature, who had been employed as a barmaid, drowned herself, chiefly, as would seem from her letters, on account of the sinister predictions which she read in her palm, combined with her ‘‘planets.” No doubt this girl was weak-minded, if not actually insane, but there is a good deal in her case worth thinking about, says a writer in London Truth. Some years ago, when I conducted some researches into palmistry with the assistance of a lady who claimed to be an expert in that craft, I put the question to her: “What if you see indications in a palm that the owner of the hand will die or incur some other awful misfortune at an early date?” The lady answered that in such a case she always dissembled, and she led me to understand that it was a, matter of professional etiquette among really conscientious palmists not to make known the truth when it was of such a nature that to impart it might be dangerous. 

This is all very well but no one can prevent people who dabble in palmistry or astrology or other occult means of reading the future from discovering their own fate for themselves. Those who discover by such means that the outlook for them is very black may not all commit suicide, like the unfortunate barmaid, but such knowledge is bound to have an injurious effect on all but persons of the toughest moral fibre, and persons of the toughest moral fibre, I may remark, are not in the habit of dabbling in the occult sciences. As a rule, fortune-telling in its various shapes, is chiefly denounced as a swindle and a means of obtaining money under false pretenses, but I question whether the moral mischief which may result from efforts to ascertain what the future has in store for us may not be far worse than any trifling financial loss. 

Nothing is more certain than it is to the advantage of mankind on the whole act to know the future. In saying this, I do not lose sight of the fact that it would be a profitable thing to many to know, for instance, who is going to win the next year's Derby, or the price at which any particular stock will stand at the end, of the next account. That knowledge, however, can only be profitable so long as it is in the exclusive possession of one or two individuals. If it were made accessible to all, the knowledge of the future would cease to have any more value than the knowledge of the past. On the other hand, the knowledge of the coming misfortune —if it is so preordained that it can be predicted—can only have a demoralizing effect, and on the whole, life has generally as much of the unpleasant as of the pleasant in store, for the majority of humankind. – San Diego Union News, 1899

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Moral Teaching

Eating food from his knife... “It is horrid and vulgar and all that, of course, to put one's knife between one's lips, but put it there and keep it there, say I, to nil eternity, rather than give room to scornful words and bits of scandal.”

A Victorian Argument for Teaching Morality as Equally as Manners

Did you ever stop to think that if one-half the anxiety expended in teaching a child not to eat with its knife were directed toward teaching it to be charitable and pure, truthful and sweet hearted the world would be a better inn to tarry at? It is horrid and vulgar and all that, of course, to put one's knife between one's lips, but put it there and keep it there, say I, to nil eternity, rather than give room to scornful words and bits of scandal. As for me, I shall grow gray headed perhaps, and decrepit if the Lord spares me; my children's children shall rise up and call me grandmother, the friends of my youth shall wane also as wanes the harvest moon, but even down to and through the palsy of life's decline I shall protect my right to take up a bit of elusive potato with whatever utensil it seemeth easiest to avail myself of. 

I do not think the angel who guards the celestial gate will stop to ask no much whether we used our knives in eating as whether we slashed and stabbed at each other with weapons of scandal and indiscriminating hate. There will be worse things charged against us, I am thinking, than the breach of social amenities or the failure in conventional usages. The question propounded will take hold of deeper matters, and our entrance into the great company of the elect shall depend on graver issues. So let us spend less time in polishing the externals; let us look to it that not only the fabric of the character we weave grows glistening and white, but also that the texture is firm and there are no dropped stitches and shoddy warp for the light of eternity to reveal.—Chicago Herald, 1893

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

The Value of Manners and Morals

These young ladies from Los Angeles High of 1913, have maintained high standards of etiquette and excellent deportment.

Pupils to Be Taught Morals and Manners

Morals and manners are among the most necessary things to be learned in the High and Intermediate schools of Los Angeles, and a course has been outlined. Here are the subjects: Politeness on the streets and in crowds; quietness in conversation and laughter; industry; obedience; sympathy; simplicity in dress, speech and action; loyalty; and, above all, honesty, truthfulness, sincerity. The value of good manners will be discussed. –Los Angeles Herald, 1913

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

An Agony Aunt's Etiquette

In the spring of 1898, Marie Manning was sitting in the "hen coop" (slang for 'women's department') of the New York Evening Journal when her editor walked in with three letters from readers seeking personal advice. Would Ms. Manning have any use for such letters on the women's page? Ms. Manning would, and she started an advice column, under the nom de plume, " Miss Fairfax." 

The Girl Who Drinks And Smokes? "This Question Is Not One of Propriety," Says Miss Fairfax, but "One of Common Sense"

LIZETTE writes me: "Do you think it is proper or if it displays courtesy and kindness on the part of a young lady to light a gentleman's cigarette and pour out beer from a bottle into his glass at a public place?" 

It is not a matter of propriety, my dear Lizette. Like many young girls, you do not observe the different shade in the meaning of a word. If this is a question of propriety, then suicide becomes solely a matter of etiquette, and a query if it is "good form" for a girl to pour kerosene over her clothes and set them on fire is not a misuse of the English language. 

Neither will you find in any authority on the origin, derivation and meaning of words sanction for the words "courtesy" and "kindness" as you use them. They are gentle, well bred words and to apply them to such acts as lighting a man's cigarette and pouring out his beer in public places is like planting a violet in a bed of poison ivy. Neither would a "lady" show such attention to a "gentleman" in any place, public or private. But these words have been so universally abused that they have sunk to a low rank, and your use of them is not a misuse. 

Let me write your question as it should be written: "Do you think it is vulgar or if it displays recklessness and a spirit of indecency on the part of a woman to light a man's cigarette and pour out beer from a bottle Into his glass when at a public place?" I certainly do! I think she lights more than a cigarette and she pours out more than beer. She applies a match to her good name. She is starting a fire that will consume her future, leave little of the past which should have spoken well for her and that will die with nothing to show for her life but the cold ashes of shame and regret. She is pouring out humiliation, despair, sin, poverty, loneliness, grief, isolation from all that respectability holds dear, and a bitterness that will eat out her heart and soul. She is committing moral suicide, a crime too serious to be guised as "courtesy" and "kindness." 

My dear Lizette, any young woman who drinks intoxicating liquors with a man at public places demeans herself, and this is just as true if the drink is taken in a public place reeking with wealth or a cheap corner saloon reeking with the ill odors of tobacco and filth. The costly champagne glass has no higher moral tone than the poorest beer glass. 

There is no aristocracy of place that will sanction such an act. No man with brains in his head smokes cigarettes, for if he has the brains and smokes cigarettes, he will not have the brains long. No man with respect for a young woman will drink beer and smoke cigarettes at a public table in her presence. It may be the custom in some countries, but it will never be a custom here with those who reverence the decencies.

A woman who will do that which you ask, is "proper" encourages a man to be disrespectful of all women, a disrespect that will grow in a very short time into contempt for the woman who inspired it. She sanctions his ill breeding, and slips down into something worse In doing it. 

Such a situation as you picture will never be the experience of the girl who respects herself. For never, under any circumstances, would she sit at a table in a public place with a man who drinks beer and smokes cigarettes, and consequently she never would meet the problem in "etiquette" that you submit for solution. – San Francisco Call, 1913

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia