Etiquette and Entertaining Parties

Round tables are best for conversation. That's just a fact. Even with twelve people you can have a group conversation with a round table. This does not mean that you have to have a round table to have a successful party. In fact I don't have a round table in my dining room in Washington. I do, however, have a rectangular table that is almost like a round table, where I can have a cozy group of four or ten. 

Assuming you're not having a buffet supper, the table becomes the most important thing about your party, after the guests. This is where it happens. This is where hosts’ and hostesses’ reputations are made or broken.

Relax, I'm only joking. But... if it doesn’t work at the table, it’s over.

Round tables are best for conversation. That's just a fact. Even with twelve people you can have a group conversation with a round table. This does not mean that you have to have a round table to have a successful party. In fact, I don't have a round table in my dining room in Washington. I do, however, have a rectangular table that is almost like a round table, where I can have a cozy group of four or ten. My problem is that when I put a leaf or two in the table, it suddenly becomes too long for a group conversation and doesn’t really work. I can see my way around this problem. I don't like round tables for fourteen— I think they’re awkward— so I make the best of the situation when I have more than ten. 

Usually, if I’m having more than sixteen to eighteen for dinner, I take the dining room table out and bring in several old round fold-up caterer’s tables, put skirts on them, and that always seems to work better. The worst tables, and I've fallen for this in a country house once, are those long narrow antique wooden refectory tables. For some reason they are conversation killers. At least those at the end of the table have a little threesome, but those stuck in the center always seem to get left out. I think of those tables as lean and mean. The rounder and more generous a table, the better time guests generally have.

You don’t have to have down-filled armchairs at the table, but chairs should be relatively comfortable. Forget backless benches. They may be quaint and look good in the decorating magazines, but you simply cannot have a good time for a whole evening if you can’t lean back and relax. Those bamboo upright caterer’s chairs don't look it, but they are surprisingly comfortable, especially with cushions, and they don’t take up a lot of space, so you can squeeze more people in if you have to. 

I much prefer to have too many people at the table than too few. It is deadly to have great, huge spaces between seats at a party. A five-foot round table is a good size because you can put four people or twelve at it. Twelve is a little tight, but I find people have a good time when they're jammed in together. The caterers will tell you you can’t possibly fit twelve at a five-foot round. They are wrong, but ten is best for that size table. A four-and-a-half-foot round will seat ten, and a four-foot round will do eight. So if you’re hard up for space, squeeze ‘em in. — From Sally Quinn’s 1997 book, “The Party: A Guide to Adventurous Entertaining”

🍽 Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Giving One’s First Dinner in 1878

“In many families, the master and mistress sit opposite at the middle of the table, so that they can attend more especially to all their guests; and this is an excellent plan...” — This was a popular French method of seating for spouses, that was adopted by many in the U.S. at the time. Sitting across from one another, a host and hostess could signal one another silently, without guests being aware.

To young housekeepers, the first dinner given to their friends is fraught with terror. Yet, by observing a few rules, the matter can be made easy enough. First of all, do not crowd your dining-room. If possible, you should invite an equal number of gentlemen and ladies, unless the party is given wholly to gentlemen, when the lady of the house does not appear, but nearest gentleman friend of the family take her place. 

In many families, the master and mistress sit opposite at the middle of the table, so that they can attend more especially to all their guests; and this is an excellent plan. When the guests are seated, the soup is served by the servants, or if the dinner is an informal one, the tureen is placed in front of the hostess, and she sends the plates by the servants, first to the right, and then the left, until all at the table are served. No one asks for soup or fish twice, and the hostess does not offer to replenish your plate, because by so doing, part of the company are usually kept waiting for the next coure. 

Sometimes the plates of soup are put upon the table before the guests are seated and when only one servant is employed this is a good plan to adopt. Oysters and clams in the shells are served before the soup, if at all, and they can also be put in place before the guests are summoned. Beside the napkin should be placed a tiny braided roll, or a square of three inches of bread, a tumbler, and glasses. 

Two large knives and forks are needed, knives at the right and forks at the left of the plate, also a soup spoon, and when the dessert is served, a silver knife, fork, and spoon are placed upon the dessert plate, with a glass finger-bowl and doily. On taking this, the guest places the knife and spoon at the right side, and the fork at the left, and spreads the doily at the left, placing the finger-bowl upon it, and when the repast is finished he dips his fingers quietly into the bowl and dries them upon his napkin. 

At some dinners, the meats are not handed around until they have been carved, and the servants will pass them to the left of each person. The vegetables are then served in a similar manner, and the various sauces and pickles then follow.— The Placer Herald, 1878

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia