Etiquette and Civil Conversation

          How to Maintain a Civil Conversation

“What did I do wrong?” wrote a former student who’d had an unfortunate encounter.  In the parking lot of a local bar, he noticed a young woman getting out of her car and made eye contact.  They were both heading inside the establishment and began to chat.

Once inside, he met up with a guy friend and they asked the woman to sit with them.  They all chatted comfortably on many subjects.  After quite a while, the woman mentioned a political candidate and one of the men said he actually liked him.  The woman suddenly became irate and “blew up” at both young men.  She then jumped topics immediately and accused them of being racist.  

My friend reported that nothing at all in the previous conversation would have led either of the men to believe this event could have even happened.  He asked how he might avoid finding himself in polarized conversations in the future.

Fortunately, there are etiquette rules of engagement that can help keep a civil conversation from going awry.

Aiming for Peaceful Interactions

Finding yourself in the company of someone who can't simply disagree and let go creates an uncomfortable situation.  Unfortunately, there are people who believe that others who don’t hold their particular political or religious/irreligious beliefs are not just misguided, but that they are also bad people.  (This is probably what happened in the bar conversation above.)  

Fearing these type situations creates a sense of dread when it comes to having conversations with friends, family members, or even strangers.  It's a proverbial roll of the dice whether someone will share your viewpoint, or how they might react upon discovering they do not share your viewpoint.

Being etiquette-ful implies that you are willing to soften the rough edges of conversation by "not going there with strong feelings."  Etiquette is aimed at peaceable interactions, even when there may be an underlying disagreement.

However, etiquette rules are engaged in the moment, at the margin, and only by individuals.  You have no control over what someone's opinion or reaction will be, but you do have control over your own words and reactions.  

An Open Mind Leads to Civil Conversation

Once a conversational explosion happens, it’s too late to do anything about it.  Practicing these five skills of civil conversation can help you be ready for, or help diffuse, a potential explosive situation.   

1. Listen to understand.  Be able to summarize it back.  “So, help me clarify, are you saying…”  You are clarifying for yourself.  This differs from listening and summarizing to formulate a response or rebuttal.  
2. Encourage yourself to be curious about what the other person is saying.  Curiosity carries no judgement and encourages an open mind.
   
3. Use “I” statements when talking about your view on a particular subject.  Using “you” statements can come across as blaming.  "But you just said . . ." or "You seriously believe that . . ."
   
4. Look for common ground in any conversation.  Seek it out.  Having conversation starters in mind before you engage prevents bringing up topics that might trigger negativity.  “John, I hear that you really love this country.  I’m like you.  I appreciate living here so much.”
5. Back off when needed.  Etiquette asks that we employ pause -- short or otherwise.  It may be that you find yourself trapped with nowhere to go on a subject the other person is reactive about. “Cory, I see your point and feel your concern.  I also know we differ a lot on this subject.  Should we stop our conversation about it and move on to another topic?”
   

The ultimate goal of employing these rules of engagement is to maintain a civil conversation.  Aiming for civility in your life is an excellent reason to approach interactions with others in a respectful and courteous manner.  

This does not imply that you must always agree with the people you interact with.  But it does mean that you can agree to disagree and still like and respect another person.

It also means that you can encourage civility by being a living example of it.  When you can find common ground, show understanding, and be authentic enough to stand your ground as you change the subject, you will automatically earn the respect of others who wish to follow your example.

Contributor Candace Smith, teaches university students and professionals, the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Prepare to Talk and Feast

Lord Ribblesdale held his friend up to ridicule, laughed at his stores of neatly assorted anecdotes, pooh-poohed at his collection of old magazine articles, and in general scoffed at the thought of preparation for conversation.
 —Public domain image of Lord Ribblesdale

Why Shouldn't People Prepare Themselves to Talk as Well as to Feast?

We remember reading in the Nineteenth Century an article by Lord Ribblesdale on “The Art of Conversation.” Just what was in the article we do not altogether clearly remember. That there was some description therein of the methods of a certain friend of the writer who had attained to some distinction in London drawing-rooms as a conversationalist, we remember very well. 

This gentleman, it seemed, prepared himself for “tea fights” and “muffin-scrambles,” as we have heard them called in England, and for other social functions where tea, women, and conversation were the staple, much as an undergraduate prepares himself by “cramming” for an examination. Lord Ribblesdale held his friend up to ridicule, laughed at his stores of neatly assorted anecdotes, pooh-poohed at his collection of old magazine articles, and in general scoffed at the thought of preparation for conversation.

To those, however, who are much dined and tead, and drawn into the social labyrinths where conversation obtains as the main relaxation, the thought of preparation for conversation— on the part of other people— comes as a very welcome suggestion. When a man goes to another man's house as his guest he usually prepares himself as to everything except his mind. But he goes ofttimes as a whited intellectual sepulcher, cleansed and shining without; dull, tired, eaten up with worries within. Nor is he usually in the least conscience-stricken to go thus mentally naked into the presence of his friends. Just why one should not take fifteen minutes or a half hour in a easy chair to collect one’s self and to prepare one's self to drop honey here and salt there, and thus do his share at feast or function, we know not.

If men and women were so constructed that the business of life could go on interminably and thus be the staple product of conversation wherever they met together, it were well enough to trust to “shop” for all one’s needs. But this is not so. It is not merely agreeable to have change and rest, it is a necessity of human existence, and wherever and whenever man or woman lifts the curtain upon a new scene, or provides a new picture of life, or leads one beside the still waters or into pastures fresh and green, there is a new impetus given to life; and of the innumerable ways in which such inspiration may spend itself for the good of humanity, no one can calculate or determine. 

It may or may not be a heroic part to play, but wielding a sword is not so efficacious in a case of fainting as waving a fan. Just to give a little freshness to the social air is often enough to do a very good deed in a tired world. No one need be ashamed, therefore, we should think, to give himself a little private coaching with this end in view. The beasts rush at their meals and rend and tear and chew and swallow, but this is neither wholesome nor proper for men and women. And yet in some households the gathering together about the table is a sullen, silent affair, where no one feels responsible for cheerfulness, and where, in consequence, the clouds and thick darkness of dyspepsia settle down, without a flash of social lightning or a roar of conversational thunder to break the dull dripping of the monotonous shower. 

We remember very distinctly, on the other hand, an establishment where from ten to fifteen members of a large family gathered daily at the table and where it was a mark of infamy almost upon each one who did not make an effort to add to the general fund of conversation. They were busy people, too— the men busy with affair sometimes of large dimensions, the women busy with the care of a large establishment and the demands of a widely varied social life. They all had cares and disappointments, and some of them very real sorrows but when they met together they gave in, each one, something to the store of general happiness.—Boston Gazette, 1891

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette, Teens and Communication

A partial list of summer work examples could include: Babysitting, Coffee shop, Volunteer at a camp, Dog walking, Helping seniors at retirement homes with their computers

The end of the school term is quickly approaching in some regions while other places already have had children and youth home for the past month. This time of year can be angst-filled especially if you have teens who would prefer not to rise before 1:00 pm every day. Yet you know sleeping away the summer probably won’t be formative towards their maturing into adulthood. Heck, you’d even just like them to be reasonably sociable with the family during daylight hours!! Have you considered encouraging them to volunteer or even to sport an entrepreneurial idea of service in the neighborhood?

Some key benefits for the youth will pay in spades for their future. With the increase of screen time, there is a serious concern that young people won’t be able to communicate effectively face to face. In the not so distant past, teens would come to the house and greet the parents. Then hang out with friends in the backyard or play ball at the school playground. Nowadays, most of the time is actually spent being “sociable” on social media platforms or constant texting with virtual friends. There’s very little honest to goodness face to face anymore. It’s really quite frightening!!

An antidote to this challenging situation are summer jobs including volunteering!! In the 1980s, 70% of teens (age 16 to 19) had summer jobs. This number has declined yearly and in 2010 it reached 43% and has stayed about the same since (Bureau of Labor Statistics). Summer employment means that youth and adults are interacting together. These early working experiences prepare youth for being adept at communicating with people of all ages. This is a key skill that many hiring managers see very little of in the under 30 yr old set of new hires.

A partial list of summer work examples could include:

• Babysitting
• Coffee shop
• Volunteer at a camp
• Dog walking
• Helping seniors at retirement homes with their computers

Granted, this age group of 13-15 yrs old may have more difficulty in finding paid employment. With a little ingenuity, they could find odd jobs at home or for family friends and relatives.

Now that some time will be set aside for these activities each day, it’s a good idea to role-play through the basic pointers of meeting new people that is getting lost because of those pesky gadgets.

Master the handshake…

• Stand up
• Eye contact
• Smile
• Shake hands by reaching for the web of the other person’s hand, gently squeeze
• Say “Hello, my name is Susan” the respond with “Very nice to meet you, Kyle”

Art of conversation

This can be difficult because of a natural shyness. Teach them to realize that every conversation that they have with someone (especially an adult) is a connection with another human being. This is very enriching.

• Have a list of conversation starters according to the age of the person – for instance, movies; books; summer holiday plans;
• “Who; What; Where; When; How” questions are good standbys
• Eye contact is crucial
• Develop those listening skills – lean in; nod; smile…be interested in what the other person is saying

Polite Cellphone Manners

The cell phone should be out of sight when talking to an adult especially if that adult is a parent of the child(ren) one is babysitting.

• Obey the 10 foot rule – refrain from talking on the phone if there is another person within earshot
• Silent at the library; movies; live theatre; religious services
• Never answer a text when talking to another person in front of you
• Be master of the phone instead of the other way round. Try not touching the phone for 20 minutes, then one hour…maybe even the whole day

By Canadian Contributor and Civility Coach, Maria Doll ~ An etiquette authority, Maria has been conducting personal consultations, workshops, camps and seminars for children, teens and young adults since 2009. Her etiquette program and company Leadership Matters has been featured in print, radio & television media including articles in Entrepreneur Mom Now and in Culinaire Magazine. Her civility program has been featured in the Calgary Herald, Calgary Sun, Metro – Calgary, CBC – Radio & Television, CTV and Global TV.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia