The Thermometer of Character

      

The oft quoted, Lord Chesterfield, was Philip Dormer Stanhope, the 4th Earl of Chesterfield. An acclaimed wit and admired man of his day, the British statesman was a diplomat and a scholar.

The Manners of a People

ARE the American people impolite? This is a question often asked by travelers, who, coming in contact with the people of other and older nations, are tempted to draw comparisons not always favorable to the American people. Doubtless the older section of the world are better behaved than the newer communities. This is true in our own country, but it does not follow that where men are better behaved they are more virtuous. 

It is a rule, but not without its exceptions, that manners indicate the man. They are the thermometer of character, the outward expression of the moral nature, but sometimes, as Emerson says, “they form at last a rich varnish with which the routine of life is washed, and its details adorned.” 

The strongest type of American has the poorest manners. He is not your well-dressed New Yorker, nor your pretty Philadelphian, but the robust man of the Western plains, uncultivated but rugged; not refined as to expression in social life, but with a big, warm, manly heart. He is as manly as the swift pony he rides. However, it is well to hold to the general rule that the manners of a people reflect the spirit and character of that people. 

A scholar may or may not be refined. Some scholarship is like raw sugar — it has never gone through the refining process. Once I took tea with one of the great men of the world. Fancy my surprise when he poured his tea into the saucer and supped it up like a child. That little act illustrated his character and gave me entrance into a strangely mixed personality. 

The basis of good manners is character which has been touched with culture. Chesterfield somewhere writes: “As learning honor, virtue is absolutely necessary to gain you the esteem and admiration of mankind, politeness and good breeding are equally necessary to make you welcome and agreeable in conversation and common life.” 

Politeness to the English people is a custom. Because it is a custom, it sometimes loses its influence. The barber furnishes his shave and the waitress her service with a conventional but certainly effective, “Thank you.” If you were to strike a cockney on the nose he would probably reply with a, “Thank you.” 

Naturally it was an Englishman Who said of Christ: “He was the first true gentleman that ever lived.” Politeness is kindness of manner; it is art and religion in one. It was Goldsmith who said of Johnson that he had nothing of the bear about him but his skin. To be a gentleman is to be a Christian, for manners are simply the character turned inside out. 

The manners of a people may be seen in the individual, in the toothpick man, the spitting man, the streetcar monopolist, the table pig, the man who never behaves in public places, whether in a hotel or a church. It may be seen in the fellow who easily loses his temper and “sasses back” in the many painful evidences of a lack of self-reliance and self-control. It may be seen in the ill breeding of women who are ignorant of taste in dress and in the social expressions of real intelligence.  

“Ladyhood is an emanation from the heart subtilized by nature.” To hear a pretty girl laugh and talk with painful loudness, to see the evidences of vulgarity in dress and manner, is to lead to the conviction that training in behavior was neglected in the home, or the school, or the social circle. Behavior has to do not only with society, but with life. It is just as necessary to be polite in business as it is in society. Many a man is a bear in the one and a Chesterfield in the other. 

Quoting Emerson again: “The highest compact we can make with our fellow is, ‘Let there be truth between us two forevermore. Our culture will be open to the charge of superficiality until it permeates behavior in the drawing-room, the streetcar, the theater, the funeral, the wedding and business.’”

Worship itself is behavior. It is being polite to God. It is a proper behavior in the presence of the Eternal. The first school of politeness is the home; It is a question whether children who are impolite at home will ever be trained in grace of courtesy outside of the home. 

I plead, then, for the cultivation of a courtesy which smoothes down the wrinkles of business turmoil, oils the machinery of trade and helps men to live together as brethren, not as beasts. I plead for the old, simple virtues of the lady and gentleman, not for elaborate adornment and superficial culture, but for the genuine cultivation of the true, moral nature expressed in manners, both gracious and good. Such a culture is not like the polish on the shoe, but like the gleam of a precious stone struck through and through with an arrow of silver light. – By Reverend William Rader for the San Francisco Call, 1904

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More Solutions to Social Problems, 1910

A young man, aged 21, who is attending college, sends a girl a letter, asking her to reply, and the girl's father doesn't want her to correspond with the young man while he is at college. Should the father or the girl answer his letter? 

Rude Behavior

Dear Mrs. Adams: Is a man who persists in hugging and kissing a young lady already engaged to be married, when calling on her sister, a gentleman? Would you deem him a man worthy of the companionship of respectable people!?– T. B. W.

No; he cannot be called a gentleman, because he has not conducted himself in a respectable and well-behaved manner, and is not worthy of the society of well-bred persons.

Not Out of Place

Dear Mrs. Adams: 1. Please inform me if it is out place for a girl of 17 years to go with boy of the same age? 

2. A young man, aged 21, who is attending college, sends a girl a letter, asking her to reply, and the girl's father doesn't want her to correspond with the young man while he is at college. Should the father or the girl answer his letter? 

3. If a girl of 18 has a liking for a young man of 24, who has called on her but once, and is now going to a small town, would it be improper for her to telephone him and congratulate him on his new position? 

4. When writing to a friend, how should a girl begin her letters, Dear Friend, or Dearest Friend, and how should she sign her name? –Unsigned

1. While a boy and girl of such an age should not monopolize each other's time, it would not be out of place for them to be good friends and occasionally go out together. 

2. The girl may write the young man a letter telling him what her father wishes her to do.
3. It would hardly be becoming for the girl to take such a personal interest in a man with whom she is not very well acquainted.
4. The form of salutation used in a letter depends upon the relation between the writer and the recipient. Both of the forms you mention are quite informal. The same rule holds good in the closing of the letter as in the opening. The forms with "sincerely" are always good.— San Francisco Call, 1910

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Gentlemanly Behavior in Public

The gentleman never smokes, or spits upon the walk, to the exceeding annoyance of those who are always disgusted with tobacco in any shape.

Good behavior upon the street, or public promenade, marks the gentleman most effectually; rudeness, incivility, disregard of “what the world says,” marks the person of low breeding. We always know, in walking a square with a man, if he is a gentleman or not. A real gentility never does the following things on the street, in presence of observers:—

• Never picks the teeth, nor scratches the head.
• Never swears or talks uproariously.
• Never picks the nose with the finger.
• Never smokes, or spits upon the walk, to the exceeding annoyance of those who are always disgusted with tobacco in any shape.
• Never stares at any one, man or woman, in a marked manner.
• Never scans a lady's dress impertinently, and makes no rude remarks about her.
• Never crowds before promenaders in a rough or hurried way.
• Never jostles a lady or gentleman without an “excuse me.”
• Never treads upon a lady's dress without begging pardon.
• Never loses temper, nor attracts attention by excited conversation.
• Never dresses in an odd or singular manner, so as to create remark.
• Never fails to raise his hat politely to a lady acquaintance; nor to a male friend who may be walking with a lady—it is a courtesy to the lady.– Beadle’s Dime Book of Practical Etiquette, 1859

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Men’s 1911 Etiquette Do’s and Don’ts

“I know that women’s hats often annoy you more than yours possibly can them. I have been informed of these and all other arguments on the subject before. But you see, I didn't establish the custom. Convention did that and she still favors it.” – Ruth Cameron, 1911

A Few Etiquette “Do’s and Dont’s” for the Masculine Sex

• Never smoke when on the street with a woman. 
• Never smoke when in the room with women, no matter how well you know them, without asking their permission. 
• When you are smoking, never talk with your pipe between your teeth. Always remove it before speaking. 
• Always remove your hat in an elevator where there are women. Yes, I know that an elevator is not so very different from a street car, and men keep their hats on there, and I know that women’s hats often annoy you more than yours possibly can them. I have been informed of these and all other arguments on the subject before. But you see, I didn't establish the custom. Convention did that and she still favors it. 
• Never just touch your hat. The true gentleman always lifts it well off his head. 
• Never take a woman's arm in the street. If you wish to assist her you should offer her your arm, but that is not customary except at night or if she is aged or infirm. 
• When you are with a woman, always get off a car before her, so that you may help her off. 
• Never clean your nails or pick your teeth in the presence of your intimate friends any more than you would in public. It is just as unpleasant to them to have to see you as to the general public, and surely you owe them as much consideration. (Will the people who think that warning is not needed, anyway please watch and see how many really decent looking men they see offending that way?)
• Always rise when a woman enters the room where you are calling and remain standing until she is seated. 
• In the theater, if an usher helps you find the seat, let the lady precede you. Otherwise you precede her. 
• Don't sit in a street car with your feet stretched out in front of you where people will be apt to tumble over them. That is selfish and dangerous, as well as ill bred. 
• At the table, always remain standing behind your chair until your hostess is seated. I think it is a charming bit of domestic ceremony when this custom is carried out in the home circle and the father and children remain standing until the mother is seated.  – by Ruth Cameron, in The Morning Chat-Chat, 1911

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A Street Car Etiquette Fail

“Street Car etiquette is developing in so many directions just now, that one must be prepared for anything... It occurred to me that this was probably the very latest development.” 1899 – (Above) A horse drawn street car, from 20 years earlier than this article. By 1899, most street cars were motorized in the US, but few had any heat in them during cold weather, so hay or carpets were put down on the floors to make riders more comfortable, but the drivers continued to have no protection from the elements.

Before Chivalry Died, It Was Obviously Ailing

“An Unexpected Courtesy”

“I was returning home with a small traveling bag in my hands,” says the woman, “and as it chanced to be just at the rush hours and the cars crowded, of course, I did not have a seat. But I was standing beside a gentlemanly young man who had a seat, and who, I soon saw, was also possessed of a kind heart.” ‘Can’t I hold your bag for you?’ he asked, politely, raising his hat. “I own I was a little surprised at first, but Street Car etiquette is developing in so many directions just now, that one must be prepared for anything. For a moment, I hardly knew what to say, and then, as it occurred to me that this was probably the very latest development, and it would not be well to check any one’s courteous inclinations, I thanked the young man, handed him my bag, which he held and sat until I reached my destination, while I stood in front of him.”—New York Times, 1899

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Regional "Optional" Etiquette

"In New York, which is too cosmopolitan a city to be cited as an example, street car etiquette is decidedly variable, and whether or not it is necessary to vacate a seat in a lady's favor is a much mooted question." — Etti~Katt was from a mid-20th Century, New York Transit Etiquette campaign.

Optional Courtesies? It Depends...

Among "optional" courtesies may be enumerated those which govern the conduct of persons on crowded public conveyances:

South of the Mason and Dixon line, no man would brave public opinion by remaining seated when a woman maintained a standing position, even were she the humblest of her sex. A foreigner would argue in such a case that he had paid for his seat, and that there could be no more reason for his rising in a street car than if he were occupying a seat at the opera or at a hotel table. 

In New York, which is too cosmopolitan a city to be cited as an example, street car etiquette is decidedly variable, and whether or not it is necessary to vacate a seat in a lady's favor is a much mooted question. One thing is certain, and that is, that youth and beauty appeal to both and low, even the most boorish individual being willing to relinquish his rights in favor of a woman with a pair of bright eyes and a stylish figure. 

The poor wage worker, in her faded cotton gown and with fingers showing evidences of toil, is rarely the recipient of such courtesy. The man in broadcloth, who has been seated in his luxurious office most of the day, keeps his seat without a qualm of conscience, and holds his paper before his face to obstruct the view of the appealing eyes and worn figure. 

Women in public vehicles often exhibit a remarkable selfishness and a total disregard for the comfort of others. Many of them accept a seat to which they have no legal right with a saucy toss of the head and without recognizing the courtesy by as much as a bow or a "thank you." An audible expression of thanks is the least a lady should offer in exchange for the sacrifice of a place, and this should be tendered as freely to the threadbare clerk as to the dude in fine raiment. —Jenness-Miller Magazine, 1891

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Entering a Carriage

“The gentleman should alight, quiet the horses and hold the reins in his right hand as a guard against accident.”

When Great, Great Grandma Was A Girl

Graceful ceremony marked the assisting of a lady into a carriage years ago— but it’s all changed now. The old etiquette book of over a century ago advised that “the gentleman should alight, quiet the horses and hold the reins in his right hand as a guard against accident. The lady then should place her hands on her escort’s shoulders and enter the carriage in a dignified manner.” Today the driver usually sits at the wheel, snaps the automobile door open, calls ‘alley oop’—and they’re off. — Madera Tribune, 1928

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Victorian Etiquette of Tobacco Use

You have the same right to smoke, take snuff, and chew that you have to indulge in the luxuries of a filthy skin and soiled garments, but you have no right, in either case, to do violence to the senses and sensibilities of other people by their exhibition in society. 

Victorian Etiquette Advice on Tobacco

If you use tobacco, in any forth, allow us to whisper a useful hint or two in your ear...

Smoking, snuff-taking, and especially chewing, are bad habits at best, and in their coarser forms highly disgusting to pure and refined people, and especially to ladies. You have the same right to smoke, take snuff, and chew that you have to indulge in the luxuries of a filthy skin and soiled garments, but you have no right, in either case, to do violence to the senses and sensibilities of other people by their exhibition in society. 

Smoke if you will, chew, take snuff (against our earnest advice, however), make yourself generally and particularly disagreeable, but you must suffer the consequences — the social outlawry which must result.

Shall we convert our parlors into tobacco shops, risk the ruin of our carpets and furniture from the random shots of your disgusting saliva, and fill the whole atmosphere of our house with a pungent stench, to the discomfort and disgust of everybody else, merely for the pleasure of your company? We have rights as well as you, one of which is to exclude from our circle all persons whose manners or habits are distasteful to us. You talk of rights. You can not blame others for exercising theirs.

There are degrees here as everywhere else. One may chew a little, smoke an occasional cigar, and take a pinch of snuff now and then, and if he never indulges in these habits in the presence of others, and is very careful to purify his person before going into company, he may confine the bad effects, which he can not escape, mostly to his own person. But he must not smoke in any parlor, or sitting-room, or dining room, or sleeping chamber, or in the street, and particularly not in the presence of ladies, anywhere. – From 1887's "How to Behave"

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Victorian Plea for Civic Etiquette

Never did Egyptian war chariot rush upon the foe more desperately than these fellows upon their victims; and the suave qui peut (every man for himself) is the constant alarm.

It would be pleasant to have a few questions of civic etiquette settled definitely; and when settled, sanctioned by some legal means to make them obligatory. Thus the side of the pavé to which the pedestrian is entitled and is currently understood to be at his right hand. Gentlemen – by which for the nonce we mean men of ordinary tact and manners – conform to this understanding, and give the pas to the passer. But boors and brutes, whether in broadcloth or satinet, are recusants; and they unfortunately are the very men, to avoid whom such regulations more especially exist. Is there no way of giving a prescriptive right a legal form? 

If a quiet, inoffensive personage, pursuing his ideas and his solitary path dinnerwards at the extreme right of the walk, and confiding in that fact to save him from concussion, is deliberately rundown and prostrated buy some overgrown scoundrel, is he to have no other amend than the – ‘D**n your eyes! Why don't you mind how you go!’ of the trespasser? Might not the ability to call a policeman – supposing, (and we admit the violence of the assumption,) such a character to be within vocal range – help to prevent these frequent acts of rudeness? Grievous, indeed, it is to see, as we are at times obliged to, delicate women run down and half annihilated by some wanton wanderer from ‘his own side.’

It strikes us that a treaty should once be entered into between equestrian and pedestrian to prevent these contre-temps.

Then again at the crossings. Upon what principal did the decisions upon cases arising thereabouts hinge? It is, perhaps, natural and just that the tide of unmounted mortals should be dammed, while a tide of vehicles is passing the street. It is no more than a reasonable act of forbearance. The unrestricted freedom of trade, and a desire to encourage commerce, would oblige us to yield where a train of loaded carts is fairly under weigh. But we have no right to demand some trifling consideration in return? Why is it that drivers of car and hack and milk-wagon charge relentlessly upon the “unprotected female,” the confused crowd, or the abstracted philosopher, creating, at each street corner, daily astounding miracles in the way of escapes? Never did Egyptian war chariot rush upon the foe more desperately than these fellows upon their victims; and the suave qui peut is the constant alarm. 

It is all very well for agile people, lithe man and brisk young folk, to be thus stirred up to unwonted exercise; but who can look on tender women or tottering sires fearfully frightened, and well-nigh ground into the cobble-stones, by these knights of the lash, without experiencing a glow of virtuous indignation? It strikes us that a treaty should once be entered into between equestrian and pedestrian to prevent these contre-temps. The law of etiquette should be solemnly determined, and a penalty should be annexed to violation, with competent authority in the hands of somebody to enforce it. The right of might is the present rule, and requires modification. – 1852, New York Times

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19th C. Etiquette and Chivalry on the Rails

"Railroad Etiquette and Chivalry"

"One of those occasions which now and then permits the sterling temper of chivalry to display itself, happened the other night on the railroad between New York City and Philadelphia. At New Brunswick, where passengers are apt to slip out in search of a cup of coffee, or a glass of more stirring stimulus, Mr. Fayette McMullen, of Virginia, left his seat in charge of an umbrella, while he refreshed himself at the counter. A Mr. Titsworth, of Plainfield, entered with his lady during his absence, and occupied the seat. Mr. McMullen requested Mr. Titsworth to give up the seat, which the latter, yielding to the entreaty of his companion, finally consented to do; but not without informing the Virginian of what might seem an obvious fact, that he (McMullen,) was no gentleman. Mr. McMullen, after the passengers had taken the boat at Tacony, encountered Mr. Titsworth again, and smarting under the imputation of ungentlemanly behavior, demanded an apology from the Jerseyman. It was not only refused, but the charge was distinctly repeated; whereupon chivalry applied his cane to the offender's shoulders, and would unquestionably have received an active return-fire but for the interference of the spectators. Mr. McMullen, who is a member of Congress, has been bound over in the sum of $1000 to answer for the assault.

Politeness consists of a good nature that cannot be ruffled, and a cheerful forgetfulness of self, that throws petty annoyances to one side, as the spray is flung off by the ship.

The rules of etiquette that should govern in travel are too indefinite to admit of dictation on the part of any individual. Of the right a traveler may have to reclaim an abandoned seat, views are undetermined. A through passenger, who leaves his seat, and marks of ownership upon it, would certainly seem to have a right paramount to that of an interloping way-traveler. So far had the affair of been simply between one gentleman and another, Mr. McMullen would perhaps have been perfectly correct. But it was not. There was a lady interested; and every rule of gentlemanly propriety requires that rights, however unimpeachable, should in such case, be relinquished. The presence of a lady ought to have shielded her escort from insult; and the blow, which might have deprived her of escort, can hardly be excused. Under ordinary social rules, therefore, we think Mr. McMullen is clearly condemned.
   

To show what he should have done to rid himself of Mr. Titsworth epithet, we have only to imagine the behavior of the gentleman under the circumstances. Finding his seat so occupied by a gentleman and a lady, apparently traveling together, he should have politely and blandly withdrawn, submitting to any self-negation rather than enter into a violent controversy in a public place, and upon such premises. No inducement could have persuaded a gentleman to take the exacting course he thought proper to pursue and his subsequent conduct places him out of the reach of excuse. Mr. Titsworth, it may be added, would have been in a better position to call Mr. McMullen in question, had he vacated the seat at the first intimation of the latter's proprietorship.


There never need be any casuistry about the duty of a gentleman in a railway car or anywhere else, so long as we remember that politeness consists of a good nature that cannot be ruffled, and a cheerful forgetfulness of self, that throws petty annoyances to one side, as the spray is flung off by the ship.

From the NY Times, 1852

Opera and Theatre Etiquette for Ladies and Gentlemen

It is correct for the young man to inquire if the young woman prefers a box, or, if not, he should state in what part of the house he proposes to secure seats. This will enable her to determine how to dress. 

Theatre

A young man may invite a young woman to the theatre or opera, even if he has but a slight acquaintance with her, but of course he should secure the permission of her parents or chaperone.

It is correct for the young man to inquire if the young woman prefers a box, or, if not, he should state in what part of the house he proposes to secure seats. This will enable her to determine how to dress.

If the young woman wears street toilette, her escort may take her in any public conveyance but if she wears evening dress, he should provide a carriage. At the theatre he should precede the woman down the aisle to the seat or box; but if it is the latter, he should open the door and wait for her to pass.

A man may use his judgment as to the aisle seat. If a better view can be had, or seemingly objectionable people are next the inside seat, it is perfectly proper to give the woman the aisle seat.

A man should never leave his companion
between the acts. The custom of both men and women going into the foyer at that time is a growing one, and is a relief to the audience.

Refreshments at some fashionable place may follow after the entertainment.

For a man to call on an acquaintance in an opera box does not relieve one of the duty of
making a formal call in return for social favors.

Bonnets

A woman of any consideration will either wear no bonnet at all or remove it as soon as the curtain is raised.

It would be in place for a man or woman whose view is hampered by a bonnet to politely ask the wearer to remove it, and when it is done, to thank her.

Men —Leaving Cards

After a theatre party given by a man, he should call within three days on the woman he escorted or leave his card.

Precedence

In entering a theatre a man precedes the women of his party, but after he has handed his coupons to the ushers he gives the women precedence, and follows them to their seats.

Talking

Conversation during the progress of the play or the opera should be avoided, and confined to the intermissions.

The theatre goer should avoid all noise, gestures or actions tending to annoy others or to render himself conspicuous.

A man would be justified, when annoyed by a person talking loud near him, in asking him politely to speak lower.

Conversation during the progress of the play or the opera should be avoided, and confined to the intermissions. 

Conversation during the progress of the play or the opera should be avoided, and confined to the intermissions.

Theatre and Opera Parties Given by Men

A man giving a theatre or opera party should secure one or more chaperones if women are to be present.

Calls

The host should call upon his guests within three days or a week after the event.

Carriages

The host may, if he choose, send carriages or a stage to collect all the guests. This is a formal and agreeable way to begin the evening's pleasure. 

The chaperone should be called for first. A more informal way is quite popular. The invitations having been given and accepted, the host informs each of his guests as to the others, and leaves a ticket with each one. All then meet
informally at the place of amusement. If a dinner is given before the entertainment,
carriages are provided to convey the guests to the theatre.

Chaperone

A chaperone should always be present if women are to be members of the party. And if a stage or carriage calls for the guests, it should call first for the chaperone.

The chaperone who acts as hostess should decide the hour to close the festivities.

Dinners

If a dinner is given before the performance, it is generally given at six o'clock, the usual customs being followed. If preferred, the dinner may follow the performance, and may be given at any fashionable restaurant or hotel.

If it is given before the play, at its termination the guests are conveyed in carriages or stage to the theatre at the expense of the host.

After the entertainment it is a good plan for the party to return to the banqueting-room to partake of slight refreshments.

A woman should avoid conspicuous manners, loud conversation, laughing, or acting in any way to attract attention. 

A woman should avoid conspicuous manners, loud conversation, laughing, or acting in any way to attract attention.

Dress

Men wear evening dress. Women wear full evening dress.

Invitations

He may invite his guests in person or by note. In either case he should secure the parents' permission to allow the young women to attend, and should be ready to supply all information regarding the men who will be present, and also the chaperones.

Men 

The escorts should see the women home unless they are called for by the male members of their families, in which case they may be accompanied to their conveyances. If a young woman is called for by her maid in a carriage, her escort may take her home.

Intimacy of the parties largely regulates the etiquette of such occasions. They can decide whether evening or street dress shall be worn, and seat themselves accordingly. A carriage should be provided.

When entering an opera or theatre box for a short call, a man should stand and bow, making some pleasant remark to the chaperone.

If there is an empty chair, he may sit and talk a few minutes and retire as others enter.

Women

Between the acts it is perfectly proper to go into the foyer with the escort, who should carry the woman's wraps and see that all her wants are attended to. Should she desire anything, she should call on him first.

The hat or bonnet should be removed.

In a box the women occupy the front row while the men sit or stand in the rear.

A woman should avoid conspicuous manners, loud conversation, laughing, or acting in any way to attract attention.

Given by Women 

This is a popular form of entertainment during the season. They are given by married women, and the guests are invited by note.

A dinner is given at the house or at a restaurant before the departure for the opera or play.

Refreshments may also be given after the
entertainment at either the house or restaurant.

At the dinner the same ceremonies are followed as to arrangements of guests and escorts as at any formal dinner.

After the entertainment it is a good plan for the party to return to the banqueting-room to partake of slight refreshments. —From “The Book of Good Manners”

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia